LiW The Renter's Dilemma--need your advice

[SweetPea-<3]

BF asked me to move in with him back in March. We both rent apartments in NYC. I said that I'd LOVE to, but that I really would want to be engaged first. (If I lived with him before we were engaged, I was afraid I'd become resentful about the situation.) He said he understood and respects that, and everything has been great ever since then. To give us more flexibility, when his lease ended in April, he negotiated a month-to-month lease, so he can leave whenever he wants. My lease ends at the end of October. BF knows this, although we haven't discussed it since March. I expect that my landlord will ask for my answer to stay/leave any day now, but definitely will need an answer by the end of September. So, that brings me to my questions:

(1) When should I bring it up again?
(2) How should I put it, without seeming like I'm putting pressure on him or making him feel guilty for not proposing yet?

To complicate things, we're leaving for a wonderful, romantic vacation on Friday. We'll be gone for 10 days. I'm 99% sure I'll be able to keep my mouth shut about the issue until we get back. If he proposes while we're away, it will be a non-issue, of course! But if he doesn't, I don't know what to say. I was thinking about something nonchalant like, "Hey sweetie, I got my lease renewal in the mail. I was thinking about asking if I could extend it for another couple of months. What do you think?"

Would love some advice about the issue and/or some DUST for the trip. Thanks ladies!

 

[TooPatient]

Sounds like a good plan.

If you've got the option to wait until after your vacation to say anything, I think you're best waiting (don't want to spoil a nice surprise ). The "this just cam in the mail... what do you think?" doesn't sound accusing/confrontational/etc so that is good.



Lots of DUST for a great vacation!

 

[missydebby]

That sounds perfect...

good luck and dust!

 

[peach_tea_for_me]

Agree with the post above about waiting to discuss till after the vacation. I also like how you plan to phrase it- very neutral. Are you still opposed to moving in before you're engaged?
Dust!

 

[slg47]

ditto, I would wait until after the vacation and then ask him (I like the suggestion...hey...just got this in the mail...) or something...

hope you have a great vacation!!!!

 

[SweetPea-<3]

Agree with the post above about waiting to discuss till after the vacation. I also like how you plan to phrase it- very neutral. Are you still opposed to moving in before you're engaged?
Dust!

Thanks ladies for the reassurance and the dust!

Good question about whether my feelings have changed. Yes and no. I feel like it's less of a risk to move in together now, since I know he is totally committed to me, and it's only a matter of time. But, on the other hand, I feel like if I put a stake in the ground, I should stick with it, even if it's inconvenient for me. I feel like this angst I'm feeling is just another test of my patience on my LIW journey.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

Have you discussed which apartment you might move into together after the engagment? Or would it be a brand new one? If it could be your apartment then that would solve the issue

 

[JulieN]

Why don't you make your lease m-t-m after October, as well? That way, you don't have to bring it up.

 

[Pushin40]

Agree with the post above about waiting to discuss till after the vacation. I also like how you plan to phrase it- very neutral. Are you still opposed to moving in before you're engaged?
Dust!

Thanks ladies for the reassurance and the dust!

Good question about whether my feelings have changed. Yes and no. I feel like it's less of a risk to move in together now, since I know he is totally committed to me, and it's only a matter of time. But, on the other hand, I feel like if I put a stake in the ground, I should stick with it, even if it's inconvenient for me. I feel like this angst I'm feeling is just another test of my patience on my LIW journey.

I recommend you rethink your position and not think of it as a "stake in the ground" type of situation.
Just talk to him adult to adult and make your decisons with eachother.
What is the general timeline for your engagement? Is it coming pretty soon? Would you really not live with him if you were getting engaged in 3-6 months, for example?

I mean, you don't wnat this to look like a "hidden" ultimatum. That's pressure right there.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Why don't you make your lease m-t-m after October, as well? That way, you don't have to bring it up.

I thought the same thing. In fact, Sweetpea, when you mentioned that your boyfriend went to a month-to-month, I thought that's where the post was heading--that you were going to go to a month-to-month as well. I would enjoy your vacation and then if you are still not engaged by the end of September, negotiate a month-to-month lease with your landlord (if possible). If for some reason your landlord doesn't go for it, then you bring it up with your boyfriend.

Have a great time on your trip!!

 

[SweetPea-<3]

Thanks again for the advice and well wishes

Sparkly Blonde -- Unfortunately, neither of our apartments is big enough for 2 people, so it would have to be a new one. I appreciate the creative suggestion though!

JulieN & NewEngland Lady -- Re: the month-to-month, it's definitely worth asking! I don't know why I wasn't considering that (probably because I was subconsciously hoping for some sort of resolution), but it's a nice solution, and I will definitely look into it. Thanks!

Pushin40 -- I really appreciate the candor in your post. Ultimatums are childish, and depending on how I handle this, it could come off that way. I think that the engagement is coming very soon (anytime between next week and December). What I'm really worried about is my motivation. If I decide to move in with him without being engaged, how much of it would it be because I love him and we're going to make a home together (good reason), and how much of it would be because I'm tired of him waiting to ask and don't want to deal with "complicated" lease negotiations (bad reason). I need to think about that more...

I'll let you know how it works out. Thanks!

 

[amc80]

I say stick to your guns. You obviously have person reasons for not wanting to move in before engagement. Those reasons are independent of your lease situation. I would see if you could go month-to-month, and if that doesn't work, perhaps you could resign for a shorter period (3-6 months). But don't rationalize doing doing something that you wouldn't ideally do because it's convenient (don't want to negotiate lease) or because you know it will happen anyway. Put it this way- if you still had 5 months on your lease and got engaged tomorrow, wouldn't you just continue living in your place until your lease is up?

 

[SweetPea-<3]

I say stick to your guns. You obviously have person reasons for not wanting to move in before engagement. Those reasons are independent of your lease situation. I would see if you could go month-to-month, and if that doesn't work, perhaps you could resign for a shorter period (3-6 months). But don't rationalize doing doing something that you wouldn't ideally do because it's convenient (don't want to negotiate lease) or because you know it will happen anyway. Put it this way- if you still had 5 months on your lease and got engaged tomorrow, wouldn't you just continue living in your place until your lease is up?

More great food for thought. Thanks! The answer is "yes"--if I still had 5 months on my lease and got engaged tomorrow, I'd still stay until my lease was up. It's just the timing that's throwing my off, so hopefully, I'll find a way to take that out of the equation.