The other F-Word

[kenny]

Family.

Am I the only one here who dislikes his/her family?

Talk to me . . .

 

[AGBF]

Family.

Am I the only one here who dislikes his/her family?

Probably not, but I love mine. I got very lucky in the family department. I just miss some of the members I have lost.

Deb/AGBF

 

[MonkeyPie]

Doubtful Kenny, but I actually really love my familia

 

[onvacation]

OMG Kenny you just struck a raw nerve there!

I love my family and am really close to my parents. I usually get along with my one and only brother (thank God I only have one sibling, one is more than enough for me), but things have been really strained since my brother got engaged with my SIL last fall. They just got married this summer and moved to my town a couple of days ago. Seriously, it's been less than 48 hours and in spite of my months of praying and preparing myself for this, he and his wife drove me up the wall and when I tried to talk to him about it in private about the elephant in the room because I just couldn't see myself keeping my cool anymore, he bolted out of the house yelling "I'm done here!" And that was during my ONE sentence of asking him to be a little more considerate because he and his wife had been ignoring me all day yesterday and today. I was the only person helping them move this morning and they were sitting on the couch being all lovey dovey while I was carrying their stuff in and out. Isn't that horribly rude to anyone, much less your sister/SIL? We were supposed to go out and go shopping for necessities but so much for that, huh. I refuse to be their chauffeur when they both jump into the back seat and make out while I drive. I get that they're totally in love, and I love that they are, but when there are three people, act like there are three! I don't even know if it's a good idea to try to keep in touch over the next few years, cuz I know this will probably be an ongoing problem.

So yeah, I'm not loving families right now. Boo.

 

[Steel]

I left home as a teenager with the clothes on my back and never looked back.

When my father (who also left the home many years ago) died this year I was shocked at how upset I felt/feel. I was not informed of his funeral (not that I would have gone anyway - I don't believe in them) so I don't even know where his remains are. I was most upset at the finality of it all. We never got on because of his refusal to believe that my mother is pure evil, but now there is a full stop. We never got on and now we never will (full stop). He died waiting for her to change. I will never do that.

Well, you asked!

 

[zhuzhu]

I love my family (not my in-laws though), but I often dislike what they do or say.

I believe you can still love and care about people deeply even if you do not agree with their "ways". That is what blood family is all about to me.

 

[elrohwen]

Yes. I love my parents, and I love my MIL and SIL and FBIL, but that's more or less it. I guess I do like my grandma and one aunt on my dad's side, but that's really it. I haven't spoken to anyone on my mom's side in years and haven't even met one of her two brothers (I've only met the other two or three times and my grandma about the same). They're just bad people - my grandma is in the region of borderline personality disorder and my mom hasn't spoken to her for most of my life. Even when we were communicating with grandma, she had no interest in talking to me (even though I'm the only grandchild, and she claimed to want a relationship with me, she would talk to me on the phone for literally 60 seconds), so that was that. My dad's side isn't nearly as bad or crazy, but they've shown no interest in communicating with our family, despite us sending presents and cards and things when their kids graduated, got married, etc and trying to get together with them when we've visited my grandma (the one uncle I actually invited to my wedding didn't even bother to rsvp). So yeah, doesn't seem worth trying to communicate with them at this point since they're unresponsive. I did see my cousins when I visited my grandma last and they were nice, but I've just never had a relationship with them and it seems weird to start now; especially since they live far away and are quite a bit older than me. After that visit the oldest cousin friended me on FB and I think it was a really sweet move - especially since she's from a family (and I mean her immediate family of my uncle and aunt) who has ignored us for years, I really appreciated it. I would like to get together with her and get to know her if she didn't live 15 hours away.

I also regret that my aunt that I love (dad's sister) lives in Sweden. I would love to visit her, but it really cuts down on interaction. I do love that I can go years without seeing her and then get along with her like we've had a close relationship forever.

So no, I don't really like the majority of my family, but I don't talk to the ones I don't like, so it's really just like they aren't there. The few I do have relationships with are wonderful. I'd rather have it this way than be forced to have relationships with people I couldn't stand.

 

[Cehrabehra]

My family - and this absolutely includes my inlaws (I've known them since I was 5) - doesn't have a single person who isn't screwed up in some way but I do love them all. Sometimes I don't *like* one of them or even two or three.... but it pretty much turns around. I'm not facing too much negativity though. I am not as close with an uncle and his children as I would like to be - but in that "like to be" they are different people that I WANT to like - not the aloof, distant strangers that they really are.

My step mother is a uberchallenge.... I love her and can't stand her at the same time.

 

[packrat]

I love my family, but I do not like some of them. There are whiners..the ones that like, nothing ever goes right for (so they say) so woe is me feel sorry for me and while you're at it pay my bills b/c I'm so horribly depressed I can't possibly lift a finger for myself and puh-leaze don't expect me to do anything about this depression. Then I have the money grubbers that have their hands out all the time and can only visit or say "I love you" to a well off relative on the expectation that the hand will be filled. And lastly I have the religious ones who use that as a means to get what they want from a like-minded relative.

JD's not close w/his side..my SIL can take a long walk off a short pier far as I'm concerned. MIL..there's issues there and have been from the beginning, so I'm beyond the point of caring or trying. The rest of his side I met at the wedding 9 years ago this November, and haven't seen but one Aunt/Uncle last year when MIL was in the hospital. Those relatives seem nice and I think I'd like them. I just don't feel like extending myself out to anyone else. Partly I don't want them to ask anything about SIL/MIL, like why is there tension, why don't you ever talk to them etc b/c I don't have a nice thing to say so, best to keep my trap shut.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

My family put the fun in dysfunctional. My father was a bipolar alcoholic and my mother was a southern belle deeply ashamed of how "down" society her life was. My father's problem was traced back to WWII, he spent two years in a prisoner of war camp and came home malnourished and with an awful case of PTSD which wasn't addressed in those days. Men were just supposed to suck it up and get on with it. He was shot down over Germany and captured and imprisoned so whenever he tied one on he would relive the attack and the imprisonment. My mother became very bitter about her circumstances and deflected my father's rages onto her three daughters. She couldn't stand it if she saw the three of us getting along, she would constantly tell one sister things the other two supposedly said about the other, fostering life-long distrust among the three of us. She did NOT protect her children from the brutality my father would periodically show.

The family was amess. I left when I was 19 and marriedf {naturally it was a disaster}. When I met my husband they pretended to be happy for me for about a month and when they realized I was going to marry and possibly beat the family curse of chronic misery they stopped talking to me. Both parents died without ever expressing any remorse about our relationship or any interest in their grandson. My sisters and I are all politely estranged. When I became seriously ill several years ago I had to call one of my sisters to check out the medical history of the family, but I couldn't bring myself to involve myself in the pattern of anger and blame my sister was, at the age of 60, was still playing.

I hope this does not sound angry. I like to believe I've left my anger behind. I have a great family life and get along well enough with my numerous inlaws. It was what is was. I somehow think it made me a better mother because whenever I was stumped about what to do I would think of what my parents would do and then DID THE OPPOSITE. I have a great relationship with my 24 year old son. My husband and I are doing fine. He watches out for any signs of the bi polar disorder I inherited from my father and has stood beside me thru two other serious illnesses.

 

[ChloeTheGreat]

My family is ok most of the time. The years I've spent with my BF's family have brought me to realize that mine provides a much better support system than others. There are not many people in life I cannot stand to be around, but there are a few in his family. (It's not just me...he feels the same.) My sisters and I get along, but I wouldn't say we're close. I am the youngest of three and they still treat me like I'm their 7-year-old little sister, even though we are all in our 20's with lives of their own. I'll have to stay tuned to see if they ever see me as an adult. And there have been times that I have not been able to stand my mother. For example, I moved out of her house when I was 16. We never fought; I just didn't like the way she lived her life and was running her household. So I left.

 

[AprilBaby]

I get you Kenny, not going into it, but don't have anything to do with my extended family, just my kids and my husband. Sad actually, but it needs to be.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I love my immediate family, my parents, my brother, my husband, and my kids. I can tolerate my cousins and other extended family. My in-laws on the other hand, are probably going to land on Jerry Springer one day...that's all I'll divulge.

 

[Nashville]

I love love love my family!!! It took years, many meltdowns and some therapy, but I love them so much now. When they met their first grandchild, my parents really changed a lot.

My MIL is a work in progress... not living with her anymore has helped tremendously.

 

[Indylady]

I love my family and I am eternally grateful for them. I'm only talking about my mom and dad though (I'm an only child)

I have one pretty snarky, gossipy cousin. I dislike her immensely. I have a few favorite aunts/cousins, but apart from that I'm not close to my extended family.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I have siblings who are 20+ years older than me. All of them have children older than I. My mom divorced my Dad when she found out
she was pregnant with me, and they have all acted like it was my fault my whole life. I don't have any contact with them or their
families unless I have to, which since everyone else is dead, is not really an issue.

I think everyone has some issues with members of their families at some time.

 

[Amethyste]

My parents died when I was young-ger
My mom was a raging and abusive alcoholic - while my father, i was not that close to him...
The only close one is my brother. And I do love him.
But I really appreciate my in-laws, there are some culture differences, but I am learning to love them the way they are...

 

[LGK]

I'm with you on this one Kenny!

 

[StonieGrl]

Ha, kenny, perfect title for this subject.

My parents are malignant narcissists. They have treated me badly my entire life. Until I was about 32, I thought that was the way everybody's parents dealt with their children. Then I moved 3000 miles away and they couldn't exert the kind of control they had done in the past and I started to really enjoy life and friends and work and it felt like a 10-ton weight had been lifted from me. I went into therapy with a really good LCSW who told me that my parents knew no boundaries when it came to me and getting what they wanted and that it was up to me to take back my own life.

So I did. EVentually my husband and I moved to the same state my parents live in and I will never forget the looks on their faces when I informed them that I no longer take my marching orders from anyone but myself. Then, about a week later when they put me to the test, priceless their reaction when I wasn't their willing victim any longer.

Their reaction to this sea change?

They respect me SO MUCH! They have always respected me SO MUCH! They LOVE ME! It's always been a wonderful relationship.

Yeah, right. I treat them nicely but they think its because I drank the above Kool Aid. They don't realize, of course, that I'm a very decent person and am seeing them through their old age allowing them dignity as long as they don't toss krap on me or my husband. If they go after my marriage or my self-esteem ever again, its rear view mirror time.

 

[movie zombie]

its not that i actively dislike them....but more that i generally just don't have much in common with them.

mz

 

[Burberrygirl]

I don’t dislike my family; I think I got pretty lucky for the most part. There are definitely things that bother me though.

Some PSers might remember me posting about an awful thing that happened between my father and I while on vacation in the ‘your posts aren’t going to live forever’ thread where people were really open and honest because they knew the thread would disappear with the change to PS 2.0. I really don’t want to get into all the details but what I learned from that experience is that I can’t change my father. I can’t fix him or make him a whole person--I just need to go on with my life and do what’s best for me. It still really upsets me but I think what hurts the most is the realization that my dad and I will never have the great healthy relationship I’ve always craved because of the person he is. We have lots of family issues but I don’t dislike any of my family members. I love my mother unconditionally and love my father in a very limited cautious way. (Mini update for those who read my post explaining what happened: he did stop drinking and I moved out and am doing much better).

Now my extended family… sometimes I dislike a few of them, lol. Actually, most of them are great.

 

[Arkteia]

First of all - Steal, Amber, Amethyste, StonieGirl, Luv2Sparkle BurberryGirl - hopefully you won't feel bad if I express my compassion. It seems that most people here have some bones to pick with their families, but you have problems with your parents, not extended families, which is difficult.
I have a Freaking good Family. My mom was absolutely wonderful and loving...maybe a little bit suffocating since I was the only child but absolutely selfless when it came to me. My father is still alive and I love and respect him. I do not think he has a mean bone in his body. My extended family is not very close - many of us are cold people, kind but distant. We share a sense of duty and respect, but not real affection, Most of my relatives, especially on Dad's side, are over-superachievers, although everyone is fighting his/her own battles.

 

[Burberrygirl]

Thanks, Crasru! You're always so sweet. Btw your avatar is super cute, it makes me smile every time I see it.

 

[mayerling]

I LOVE my family, both nuclear and extended, and miss them very much.

 

[StonieGrl]

Crasu, no worrires.

I 'love' my parents, I just realize that they only ever have their own interests at heart and are emotional and developmental cripples. I see them every week, I do tons of things for and with them. Perfect example: My mom turned 80, I had that JKT stunner of a necklace made up for her, and I took her to San Francisco for a long weekend. Her reaction: Is there anything else/more?

My father told me that if I didn't divorce my husband, he would disown me. If I went out on the night of my college graduation with some friends, I was no daughter of his. You get the picture.

I just stopped allowing them to order my life based on what they want and feel and I don't let them step on me or my husband any longer.

From the outside, it would appear that my parents and I have a close and loving relationship. In a way, we do, I have have forgiven them for their abysmal parenting while I was a child and young adult and I accept them for who they are.