The green eyed monster

[adhesive]

I''m not new to PS, but I''m new to LIW. I decided to have my name added to the list here because I need some serious support from others in the same boat as I am. And my first order of business is finding out how you guys ward off jealousy when other couples get engaged.

Two days ago, my cousin proposed to his girlfriend. She was sooooo happy (and rightfully so) and I was really happy for her. But hours later, thinking back on the situation, the green eyed monster set in, and it''s been killing me. I want what she has so very badly, but I don''t want that to get in the way of being able to be happy for and supportive of them.

For FF and I, it has been one couple after another after another starting to date, then getting engaged, then getting married (all close friends and family, too, to make it worse) while we have been together for 5 years and haven''t progressed much. I got a promise ring after one year, and a hope chest after 3 years. But it''s been 5 years now, and no e-ring. There may be hope, though, as I recently found out that he has been diamond shopping. But I won''t believe that until there''s a ring on my finger because he''s pretty unpredictable - one day he''s all about ring shopping, talking about houses, etc. and the next, I''m "pressuring him" if I even mention it. Nevertheless, it''s definitely happening within the next few years, and the closer it gets, the harder it becomes for me to be happy when other people get what I''ve wanted so badly for so long.

So, when jealousy sets in, how does everyone handle it?

Thanks,
Adhesive

 

[emeraldlover1]

I think its always hard when people get engaged before you when you are waiting for it because you want it so bad. To keep myself sane I would imagine what it would be like to be engaged to that other person''s fiance. That thought makes the jealosy disipate pretty quickly.

 

[Dreamgirl]

It''s hard to deal with sometimes. Just keep in mind that you love the guy and he loves you too. If it is meant to happen, it will.....

(not the best advice, I know...but honestly, what else can we do?!)

 

[tlh]

Oh it hit me, HARD. before i got engaged, I would hear about all these people''s happy stories and I''d be happy for them (heck, I wanted the same happieness!) but then I''d come home and pout. Seriously throw little girl temper tantrums... and roll around on the floor and what not.
My poor (nowDH) probably thought I was possessed by the devil.
I did it half in jest, but partly to show EXTERNALLY the EXTREME levels at which I was upset that it hadn''t happened yet. I dont think anyone thinks it really is that hard until they see you stomping your feet and what not. I would sing songs in the shower so loud that my (nowDH) could hear me... "He doesn''t love me, I am all alone. We share a place, but I''ve got no stone." Over and Over... I''d mix it up... add stories about other people... and it drove me nuts. It eventually drove him nuts, beacuse 3 months of that he had enough, and proposed. I had silently suffered for over TWO YEARS, and occassionaly asked, the polite questions... where do you see us? do you want to go look at rings? I''d like to be engaged within a year, blah blah blah, before I just resorted to full blown temper tantrums. I figured with that behavior I''d get a response, either a breakup, or a ring. I guess it worked in my favor... because it is pretty funny to see a grown woman wailing and rolling on the floor.

 

[Lauren8211]

When I get jealous, I take it out on FF. I just tell him that it''s his turn to clean the litterbox when it''s not.

He has such a bad memory he can never argue it.

 

[prettylnpink419]

Elle- Haha! You made me literally LOL at that one. That is good payback! I''ll have to bookmark that one!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I am going to give you the same advice I give every single LIW that has the same green eyed monster moment...

Becoming engaged isn''t a race. Yes, couples that start dating after you may become engaged before you...but thats life, and that''s love, and it doesn''t have to be fair or make sense...certain relationships "get there" faster than others...but that doesn''t make your relationship any less special.

Enjoy your courtship, life is going to catch up with you soon enough. I''m married, and have been for almost 2 years. I love my husband...he''s a wonderful man...and marriage is the best thing ever....but there are times when I *wish* for the simplicity of dating. Your relationship, as it stands right now, is full of special things--things you shouldn''t over look. Courting is a very important part...it''s laying the foundation...you''re essentially building the house your love will live in. Some foundations go in quicker than others.

 

[misskitty]

Date: 1/26/2009 3:35:37 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I am going to give you the same advice I give every single LIW that has the same green eyed monster moment...

Becoming engaged isn''t a race. Yes, couples that start dating after you may become engaged before you...but thats life, and that''s love, and it doesn''t have to be fair or make sense...certain relationships ''get there'' faster than others...but that doesn''t make your relationship any less special.

Enjoy your courtship, life is going to catch up with you soon enough. I''m married, and have been for almost 2 years. I love my husband...he''s a wonderful man...and marriage is the best thing ever....but there are times when I *wish* for the simplicity of dating. Your relationship, as it stands right now, is full of special things--things you shouldn''t over look. Courting is a very important part...it''s laying the foundation...you''re essentially building the house your love will live in. Some foundations go in quicker than others.

This is excellent advice. It''s not the easiest to follow, but it''s really the key to staying sane.

Another trick is to turn every negative thought into a positive one...sure, another couple might be getting engaged first, but some of the best things (like fine wines, and your relationship!) get better with time.

 

[janinegirly]

hi there- i love italianhaircolor''s advice, but when I was an LIW, it sure didn''t work for me!

I can relate to your post, I waited 3 years which for me was one year too long, so that last year was very difficult. Of course I was in my 30''s, so each year was valuable. Everyone says to be patient, get distracted, find hobbies--and those all are good ideas, but end of the day when you are "past due" in your waiting stage, you start to lose your mind a little and anxiety and jeolusy set in. It''s human nature. Yes, try to manage it (even if you ahve to avoid certain people), but also be open with your bf. Let him know waiting indefinitely is not an option and that it is affecting you in a way that you dont'' like (jelousy etc.). To me that''s valid--you''re not saying I want my ring and stomping around, but saying this is affecting your self esteem (ie creating jealousy) and general happiness. Some guys need more upfront talking than others. And some are more stubbornly slow--so this all depends on where in the scale your bf falls--mine was on the slower end!

But end of the day, the only real way of relief from the anxiety and frustration is the proposal itself. Good luck--it''s tough, but many of us have been there and survived it in the end! And the good news is a bf who is slow to propose doesn''t necessarily mean he will be like that with other decisions in life (house, kids, etc.). Keep us posted!

 

[Bia]

Date: 1/26/2009 3:23:35 PM
Author: elledizzy5
When I get jealous, I take it out on FF. I just tell him that it's his turn to clean the litterbox when it's not.

He has such a bad memory he can never argue it.

Ha! Why do you think like me?!!!


adhesive: what you're feeling is totally normal. Just remember, as others have said, it will happen when the time is right for the both of you. It's not a competition, even though when you get to a certain stage, it feels almost as if it were. Enjoy your relationship. When the time comes, it will be everything you could have hoped for...take it from me, I know from personal experience

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 1/26/2009 3:47:09 PM
Author: Bia

Ha! Why do you think like me?!!!


adhesive: what you''re feeling is totally normal. Just remember, as others have said, it will happen when the time is right for the both of you. It''s not a competition, even though when you get to a certain stage, it feels almost as if it were. Enjoy your relationship. When the time comes, it will be everything you could have hoped for...take it for me, I know from personal experience

I''m in your head, lady!!

Mwahahaha!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 1/26/2009 3:22:51 PM
Author: tlh
Oh it hit me, HARD. before i got engaged, I would hear about all these people''s happy stories and I''d be happy for them (heck, I wanted the same happieness!) but then I''d come home and pout. Seriously throw little girl temper tantrums... and roll around on the floor and what not.

My poor (nowDH) probably thought I was possessed by the devil.

I did it half in jest, but partly to show EXTERNALLY the EXTREME levels at which I was upset that it hadn''t happened yet. I dont think anyone thinks it really is that hard until they see you stomping your feet and what not. I would sing songs in the shower so loud that my (nowDH) could hear me... ''He doesn''t love me, I am all alone. We share a place, but I''ve got no stone.'' Over and Over... I''d mix it up... add stories about other people... and it drove me nuts. It eventually drove him nuts, beacuse 3 months of that he had enough, and proposed. I had silently suffered for over TWO YEARS, and occassionaly asked, the polite questions... where do you see us? do you want to go look at rings? I''d like to be engaged within a year, blah blah blah, before I just resorted to full blown temper tantrums. I figured with that behavior I''d get a response, either a breakup, or a ring. I guess it worked in my favor... because it is pretty funny to see a grown woman wailing and rolling on the floor.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!! That is the funniest thing I have ever heard! And you are lucky to have your DH, because I SOOOOO would have walked on you, lol!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I''ve never had the green eyed monster about engagements or babies... but it did set in when all my married friends with two incomes were decorating their big, new houses. Isn''t that strange?


I think it''s because, like a previous poster said, I never saw myself married to any of their husbands so they didn''t have what I wanted anyway! I was just really happy for them. I think I may have felt differently though if I hadn''t been single or dating my guy intercontinentally. I wasn''t in that "waiting to get engaged" stage when all my best friends were getting engaged.

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/26/2009 4:11:45 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 1/26/2009 3:22:51 PM
Author: tlh
Oh it hit me, HARD. before i got engaged, I would hear about all these people''s happy stories and I''d be happy for them (heck, I wanted the same happieness!) but then I''d come home and pout. Seriously throw little girl temper tantrums... and roll around on the floor and what not.

My poor (nowDH) probably thought I was possessed by the devil.

I did it half in jest, but partly to show EXTERNALLY the EXTREME levels at which I was upset that it hadn''t happened yet. I dont think anyone thinks it really is that hard until they see you stomping your feet and what not. I would sing songs in the shower so loud that my (nowDH) could hear me... ''He doesn''t love me, I am all alone. We share a place, but I''ve got no stone.'' Over and Over... I''d mix it up... add stories about other people... and it drove me nuts. It eventually drove him nuts, beacuse 3 months of that he had enough, and proposed. I had silently suffered for over TWO YEARS, and occassionaly asked, the polite questions... where do you see us? do you want to go look at rings? I''d like to be engaged within a year, blah blah blah, before I just resorted to full blown temper tantrums. I figured with that behavior I''d get a response, either a breakup, or a ring. I guess it worked in my favor... because it is pretty funny to see a grown woman wailing and rolling on the floor.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!! That is the funniest thing I have ever heard! And you are lucky to have your DH, because I SOOOOO would have walked on you, lol!

What can I say??? I''m a charmer!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 1/26/2009 4:22:06 PM
Author: tlh

Date: 1/26/2009 4:11:45 PM

Author: trillionaire

Date: 1/26/2009 3:22:51 PM

Author: tlh

Oh it hit me, HARD. before i got engaged, I would hear about all these people''s happy stories and I''d be happy for them (heck, I wanted the same happieness!) but then I''d come home and pout. Seriously throw little girl temper tantrums... and roll around on the floor and what not.


My poor (nowDH) probably thought I was possessed by the devil.


I did it half in jest, but partly to show EXTERNALLY the EXTREME levels at which I was upset that it hadn''t happened yet. I dont think anyone thinks it really is that hard until they see you stomping your feet and what not. I would sing songs in the shower so loud that my (nowDH) could hear me... ''He doesn''t love me, I am all alone. We share a place, but I''ve got no stone.'' Over and Over... I''d mix it up... add stories about other people... and it drove me nuts. It eventually drove him nuts, beacuse 3 months of that he had enough, and proposed. I had silently suffered for over TWO YEARS, and occassionaly asked, the polite questions... where do you see us? do you want to go look at rings? I''d like to be engaged within a year, blah blah blah, before I just resorted to full blown temper tantrums. I figured with that behavior I''d get a response, either a breakup, or a ring. I guess it worked in my favor... because it is pretty funny to see a grown woman wailing and rolling on the floor.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!! That is the funniest thing I have ever heard! And you are lucky to have your DH, because I SOOOOO would have walked on you, lol!

What can I say??? I''m a charmer!

LOL! I imagine that time period would have made a classic LIW movie! How are you at screenwriting?

 

[kittybean]

I had one situation where I felt the same way. My friend got engaged about three months before I did, and although I was so happy for her, I was so jealous, too. What helped me was telling my FI about it (in the calmest, least accusatory way possible). It just felt so good to tell him, "Honey, I''ve been kind of on edge lately because I''m a little jealous of Lindsey [not her real name]. I''m happy for her, but I really want us to be on the way to being married too." His response was very sweet. He told me that he loved me very much, and I didn''t need to worry; if he wasn''t positive he was going to marry me, he wouldn''t be with me. He also assured me that I wouldn''t have to wait too much longer.

I didn''t really have ulterior motives in talking to him about my feelings of envy; for me, sometimes I just need to spill my bad feelings before I can let them go. After we chatted about it, I was a lot more able to let go of the jealousy and keep waiting patiently for my own engagement.

Have you tried talking with your FF about your feelings? Maybe it could help you.

 

[adhesive]

EM1 - I cannot IMAGINE what that would be like. He might be able to pull off an incredibly romantic proposal, but at the end of the day he''s AWFUL (is that okay to say about family?

). I couldn''t imagine being engaged to him, so that thought definitely splashed some cold water on the fire of jealousy.

tlh - That''s hysterical! Sometimes I feel like resorting to those extremes would be the only way to get through to him - and the fact that it worked for you just confirms my suspicions! Men can be so incredibly stubborn - it''s really a shame we can''t all be women.

elle - That''ll show him! I don''t have a cat, but I can assure you, I''ll spend the rest of the day trying to think of ways to get him back. Too funny!

janine - That is seriously the most honest piece of advice I have ever heard. While I know that it is important to know that it will happen when the time is right and that I should focus on my relationship as it is now and the things that I love about FF, sometimes what I need most is just to be told that it probably won''t get any better until it actually happens.
I spend a lot of time beating myself up over being jealous, because I''m not a jealous person and I hate the way it feels - I wonder what it is that I''m doing wrong, why I''m so jealous and other people in the same situation can avoid feeling even an ounce of envy. My FF and I communicate extremely well, but for the first time a couple of days ago, I was shamefully admitted that I had been jealous. And he totally understood - didn''t judge me at all. I felt much better after telling him that, and I think it made him realize just how hard it can be for a woman to be in this stage in life (as compared to a man, who experiences the same struggles in this stage, just in a different way - the financial stress, the stress of having to soon provide for a family, etc.) So I know that you''re 100% right about that part.

I''m going to try to focus on honing the skills needed to make a good wife until my day finally comes. It is so close I can smell it ("within the next year" may seem like an eternity - but after waiting 5 years already, one more should be a breeze!)

 

[adhesive]

kitty - I have talked to him about it (reference my reply to janine) and it made be feel much better. Not 100%, but definitely an improvement. It always seems to help to vent my feelings. I can relate to you in that I just CANNOT let something go until I''ve talked about it and had someone else talk some sense into me (hence, this thread

)

 

[tlh]

trillionaire: You are right, that could have been funny... I''ll have to think about it! I mean, wow looking back, the stuff I did! HAHA!


adhesive: It is a tough boat to be in. I am a really playful girl, and I pretty much lay it all on the line. That is just who I am. I don''t embarrass easily, and well... that can be an advantage!

I think if you enjoy the courting stage, and be yourself- it will happen. I think we all have things we do... in our OWN way... my way was just a lot of playful drama.

 

[kittybean]

Date: 1/26/2009 4:41:04 PM
Author: adhesive
kitty - I have talked to him about it (reference my reply to janine) and it made be feel much better. Not 100%, but definitely an improvement. It always seems to help to vent my feelings. I can relate to you in that I just CANNOT let something go until I''ve talked about it and had someone else talk some sense into me (hence, this thread

)

Glad to hear you were able to talk to him about it. Venting is great. It''s amazing how talking about something can make you feel so much better.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 1/26/2009 3:22:51 PM
Author: tlh
I dont think anyone thinks it really is that hard until they see you stomping your feet and what not. I would sing songs in the shower so loud that my (nowDH) could hear me... 'He doesn't love me, I am all alone. We share a place, but I've got no stone.' Over and Over... I'd mix it up... add stories about other people...

LOFL!!!

ETA: I am so sorry -- it IS so, so hard to have everybody and their mother get engaged and nuthin for you...yet. No advice here, really -- just a whole lot of sympathy.

 

[JR320]

I also feel that little sting every time someone announces their engagement. Although, I was very PROUD of myself when a good friend of mine shared with me that she and her BF recently began discussing engagement, and all I felt was happy... no sting, no jealousy.

I agree with EmeraldLover... when it comes to jealously.. I wouldn''t trade places with any of those women! So I just remind myself of the faith that I have that my guy WILL follow through soon

 

[Amanda.Rx]

Ha Ha... put up a picture of the "happy new couple" and start throwing darts... j/k.

I dunno. In my ciricle of friends, there seems to be more turmoil going on than happiness. I haven''t really been grabbed by the green eyed monster yet, and of all my friends, I think I''m next.

I guess I don''t have much personal advice. Just know that your time is coming, slowly but surely!

 

[laughwithme]

Some things that make me feel better...

When you attend their wedding, you get to learn from all their planning mistakes, meet potential vendors, smirk inside about things you don''t like and would change, and this is all without the pressure of having to do it yourself...yet.

Also, their time will pass - the engagement, the wedding, the attention, the starting out their lives together - it will pass...and yours will be next, or soon after. If you''re in love and happy, there is NOTHING you''re missing out on. You have the best, and the rest will come in due time, and it will be all about you two and your love...and those people who''ve already gotten married, well, their time will be up!

 

[gryffindor]

What laughwithme wrote is similar to what my mom tells me to make me feel better. She''s a big believer in fate and karma so she''s always saying "It''s not your time yet.

 

[adhesive]

Thanks mscushion

JR320 - Good for you! I''m usually happy when people I don''t know personally get engaged, but a close friend or relative is a bit more difficult. Every now and then I''ll be able to be truly happy for a close friend or family member who gets engaged and it feels SO good. SO MUCH better than being jealous.

Amanda - Don''t give me any ideas! I looooovveee darts..

P.S. - love your signature

Laughwithtime - That''s really what I do most often when I''m assaulted by "big green" - I think about how, if FF takes forever to propose, the current "young, beautiful new bride" will be an old hag with 30 kids by the time we get married, and I''LL be the one other people are jealous OF. I''m just AWFUL, I know... shame on me!!!
But if we get married last in our circle of friends (which we will - everyone else is already married), our lovely wedding will be the freshest in everyone''s minds. We''ll be like "perpetual newlyweds," and I like the sound of that .

gryffindor - My mom is kind of like that. She''s a big believer in "God''s timing." She always reminds me that His timing is perfect in everything and that I should just trust in Him to know when the time is right. That always knocks me off of jealousy mountain.


I''ve read that if you are happy for others when they''re blessed with the things you want, you will get your blessings sooner. I''ve been repeating that to myself a lot lately. It helps - but not as much as PS does - you guys crack me up!

 

[sklingem]

My GF has NEVER really wanted to talk about getting engaged ... though we have talked about weddings indirectly and "our" (future) children directly. I am much more eager to talk about it, but am holding back and/or teasing her about it ... role-reversal I guess! Then again, I have never rolled on the floor kicking and screaming either ... lol. Hang in there! Unfortunately, pressuring, nagging and getting bitter will not help. Some covert punishment is probably the best way to go!!

 

[KatM]

It used to bother me, especially when bf was being so wishy washy in general. Now, not so much. We''ve been together long enough that we''ve seen people start dating, get married and get divorced. I was insanely jealous of my cousin, just because they seemed so perfect together. I thought everything came easily to her and she would just go on being as happy as she was. It was really difficult to hear of her divorce and it made me realize that I dont'' necessarily know the situations of others. Just because it seems like someone is getting something you want, it doesn''t necessarily mean that they are. I think it just made me realize that I need to do what is right for me, and not let the actions of others impact me.

 

[janinegirly]

These are good points (not to be jealous since other's situation may not be as ideal is it seems) but I also think it's important to validate your feelings--meaning if you're feeling really upset, sad, losing confidence because of an extended waiting period, it's to be expected! I'm not talking about situations where you've only been dating 1 year and wanted to be married 2 years ago--I mean if you have a healthy relationship that has hit all the milestones including talks about futures/wanting marriage/kids/finances...and are just waiting and waiting. Well then your feelings are valid and you don't have to always try to bury them or feel like they are wrong. If you resort to nagging and pressure--yes it's going to possibly make things worse, but on the other hand you also need to feel comfortalbe expressing how you are feeling. That for me was the toughest piece to balance!

Sorry for the slight tangent, but just a different view since in some cases (NOT this one, just in general), the guy IS waiting too long and hurting the relationship because too much stalling can lead to resentment which is not a healthy way to start things out. It'll creep up in other areas (jealousy, short temperdness, inability to enjoy the little moments/anniversaries,etc.), but it's often the same thing.

 

[WistfulAurora]

Date: 1/26/2009 3:35:37 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Becoming engaged isn''t a race. Yes, couples that start dating after you may become engaged before you...but thats life, and that''s love, and it doesn''t have to be fair or make sense...certain relationships ''get there'' faster than others...but that doesn''t make your relationship any less special.
[/i]

You have good advice! But what about feeling like there''s something wrong with you, when everyone else is engaged, married, or *gasp* having kids? I feel like I''ve dropped the ball or done something horribly wrong...