the excitement of engagement has gone for me?

[comfortably-numb]

I have been with my bf for almost 7 years now.

After about three years together I woke up one morning and it just hit me that i wanted to marry this guy. Later on I told him about it, and he said that he felt the same. We then talked about marriage briefly.

Since then we havent really made much progress lol. He knows my ring size, we do talk about marriage now and then, but thats really about it. when we fist started talking about it he said that he wanted to be married to me within the next two years (four years ago)other than that, nothing.

2 years ago his mother became quite ill, she was on holiday abroad at the time and had to be brought home, then went into hospital, she wasnt herself at all and everyone was thinking along the lines that she might not be with us much longer. it really effected my man, one night after being with her he got home and said "i told my mum that you were the girl i am going to marry, i need her to see us get married" then he trailed off, it was either a mixture of frustration on my part or just the heat of the moment but i said "just do it, just marry me" he then said he didnt have a ring and it didnt feel right to ask without it.

Now, if he brings marriage up i just say something along the lines of "the dinosaurs will walk the earth again before we get married" he will do the same, but in our serious moments we do both want to be married, i think that the recession has knocked us off course in a big way, we both have no money.

We are selling our house, buying a smaller one, and "the plan" is to just use some of the money to get married (his idea) after the "want to be married to you within two years" thing, i feel like its just a line, im not letting myself get excited about it at all, it feels like i am waiting around for nothing, and because i have waited so long the excitement has gone for me, is this normal?

 

[KittyGolightly]

Date: 4/30/2010 7:47:50 AM
Author:comfortably-numb

but in our serious moments we do both want to be married

Are you sure? Because from what you''ve written, he doesn''t want to get married.

I think you have a big decision ahead of you. I''m sorry - I know it isn''t easy.

 

[HopeDream]

Hi Comfortably-numb,

Maybe your BF thinks you don''t want to get married because of your dinosaurs comment. Have you told him all of the things you''ve told us? Have a heart to heart about your desire to get married and start making concrete plans and set dates. If you want to get married in the next year or two, how long do you want your engagement to be? 6 months?, a year?, 2 years? Making sure your boyfriend knows you hope to be proposed to in the next 3-6 months (or another specific timeline) will help make your dreams reality. Maybe you two should go try on some rings together to get a feel for what you''d like (and get over the sticker shock).

I think once it starts happening "for real" your hidden reserves of excitement will activate.

I think this book might help : a little bit married

Keep us posted, We''re here for you

 

[HappyNewLife]

wow, 7 years is a LONG time. and you''ve heard a lot of broken promises. I don''t blame you for being numb about it.

if you want to marry him-- why not do it? A wedding and ring don''t have to cost thousands of dollars. Make it about you and him and just do it!

 

[Indylady]

Author: HopeDream
Hi Comfortably-numb,


Maybe your BF thinks you don''t want to get married because of your dinosaurs comment. Have you told him all of the things you''ve told us? Have a heart to heart about your desire to get married and start making concrete plans and set dates. If you want to get married in the next year or two, how long do you want your engagement to be? 6 months?, a year?, 2 years? Making sure your boyfriend knows you hope to be proposed to in the next 3-6 months (or another specific timeline) will help make your dreams reality. Maybe you two should go try on some rings together to get a feel for what you''d like (and get over the sticker shock).


I think once it starts happening ''for real'' your hidden reserves of excitement will activate.


I think this book might help : a little bit married


Keep us posted, We''re here for you

+1. Also, rings don''t have to be expensive to be beautiful. Pricescopers can seriously work some magic when it comes to a ring on a budget. I know of a seriously beautiful half carat diamond that is about $500, and another $100 for a simple setting would make for a beautiful ring.

 

[Hest88]

I know this is PS, but if you''re talking about getting married leading to kids and bigger mortgages, etc. what does an expensive ring have to do with it? Plenty of people, even in the U.S., get married with only that wedding band. I also don''t know how much extra money you''ll have after you downsize the house, but if you''re worried about it there''s no reason to use it for an expensive wedding instead of saving it for your future. A City Hall wedding, or a smaller wedding with a backyard reception, makes you just as much married.

If he''s fixated on the idea that "getting married means I first have to get her a rock and then follow it with a nice wedding" and if you just want to get married, then disabuse him of that notion asap.

OTOH, if you feel it''s just an excuse on his part then that''s a whole different things altogether.

 

[CatLady]

Sounds like kind of lame excuses to me, but I''m bitter. How old are the two of you? Seven years is a long time to be together without being engaged or married. Maybe he is just comfortable with the living together situation and doesn''t want to rock the boat.

 

[beezygal]

you should really talk to him and tell him how you feel... maybe he doesn't think you wanna get married yet because of your dinosaur comment? 7 years is a very long time. My FF and I have been together for 6 years this July. I started to freak out when it was our 5 years anniversary last year.

no money? That's an excuse. I agree with Indylady and hest88. Ppl with no money can still get married... just have a smaller wedding (city hall)... get a cheaper ring... some years down the road, upgrade the ring if you guys are better off.

 

[merilenda]

I think that you should do some thinking about what you want and your priorities. It''s hard to say what he''s thinking without sitting down and having a serious conversation with him. He may be afraid of the commitment. But it could really be situational. I think that the others are right - that money shouldn''t be the only reason. HOWEVER, it may be for him. I know that the reason why my FF hasn''t proposed (we''ve been together for 3 years) is due to money. He has told me on numerous occasions that if I am willing to accept a small ring with the little money he has now, that he would go out and buy it tomorrow. I would be okay with this (and will be if our financial situation doesn''t improve soon-ish), but up until now, I''ve been okay with waiting for us to get out of school and be more stable.

I don''t know what his thinking is, but maybe he really does just think that he can''t propose without a nice ring or an expensive wedding. If that''s something you''re okay with, then I might make clear to him that you would be happy with a small ring and small ceremony. If he finds another reason to put off engagement after that, then I would be a lot more concerned that you''ve got someone who doesn''t actually want to get married.

 

[nkarma]

I am sorry. As someone who realized I wanted to marry my bf after 3-4 years and still wasn''t engaged after 7, I feel your pain. It sounds like you know he wants to get married. I agree there is a discussion that should be had about how to get married that won''t involve you spending too much money. I know some people don''t like the courthouse wedding but at least you will be getting married. Also, my back up plan for our wedding is a BBQ in a park...it actually sounds really nice to me. I have heard of people having potluck weddings too. You could say in lieu of gifts, please bring a dish. Also, many couples have foregone getting an engagement ring in hard times. I am sure you two will be able to get one down the road...that would be so romantic and a good story for the grandkids.

The good news is that once we did get engaged, I was/am as excited as can be and all of the LIW stress disappeared. I can tell he is so excited about it...we both are really.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

For what it is worth, my parents we the second spouse for each. They wore white sweats, got a judge and had the wedding on a friend''s lawn. Another friend made the cake and they all played beach volleyball afterwards. They were both sucessful lawyers as were most of the people they invited and everyone had a blast. That was 26 years ago and they are still the happiest couple I know. I think it took them 2 months to pull it together and my mom only got the ring about year 24.

I would have been happy with a nice dress, a photographer (prob my aunt who is the right price and very good) a judge and my DH. Afterwards, getting a room in a nice place and all having dinner would have been fine with me.

If this helps, I was amazed how much higher our tax refunds were once we married! It is a money saving technique.

 

[PumpkinPie]

We got married 5 days after deciding to - and those 5 days were spent on vacation. We arrived back in our city the day before the wedding and pulled it off for less than 500$. Money and time never need to be reasons.

 

[PumpkinPie]

- just realised that may have come across as judgmental or condescending. I didn''t meant it that way. I''m sorry that you''re feeling frustrated and like the magic of waiting for engagement is gone. I think you need to have a serious talk with your bf and find out if you two are on the page re: your future and your goals!

 

[motownmama]

IS your house on the market now? What''s the reality of the situation?

 

[comfortably-numb]

Thankyou all for the replies, i will try to answer a couple of your questions.

The dinosaurs comment is a joke on both our parts, a friend said it to us once and it stuck with us.

As for the money side of things i maybe should have gone into it more.. I lost my job last august and have been unable to find another as of yet. The house we live in is way too big for us and we both know we cannot afford to keep living here. The last year has been spent decorating, painting, gardening etc to put it on the market. We should be ready to get it valued in the next few weeks.

Plan is to move away, buy a smaller house that we can afford, and get married.

One thing i forgot to mention, his ex gf (they were together three years) hurt him a lot, in the end after she had already ripped his heart out she ended up leaving him for his best friend. After she left him he lived alone for four years. He was very slow to open up to me, he first told me he loved me after a year together. Now he says it a lot, and when he doesnt say it he shows it.

Im not sure at this point if i can figure out if we have just had a bit of bad luck along the way or if its a case of he doesnt want to marry me, i guess thats why im here, i think i need other peoples views.

I am 29, hes 34. I dont know if this will make sense but i feel like im too "old" to be dating somebody for 7 years?? I feel stupid saying he is my boyfriend at my age lol and plus he feels like much more to me.

 

[HaloBelle]

I just wanted to say good luck with all this, it sounds very stressful. My boyfriend and I started dating as sophomores in highschool. I always think omg, 7 years - that is forever (our anniversary is in a about a week) but then I think, we were 16...now we are 23. I JUST got ready to be that girl.

The hard part about your situation is it sounds like you have BOTH been ready for quite some time.

I agree with the other LIW, time for a heart to heart... be gentle, he might need it. But please, be careful with the ultimatums.

 

[redhead02]

I''m really sorry that you''re going through this. I have a good friend whose boyfriend just seems to show no signs of interest in getting married, and they''ve been together 4 years. She''s beyond frustrated but yet she can''t leave him.

Now you two seem like you''re at least having dialogue about it, and I found out recently that guys have a lot more money hangups about this than I ever realized. So that very well might be what''s going on. I discussed rolling way back on the ring idea with my boyfriend so that he could separate the idea of getting engaged with the cost of the ring, and I think the talk really helped. Maybe something similar would help your situation.

 

[Souled In]

For me the problem here is what happened in the two years after yall decided to get married before his mom got sick. Whatever reason he took 2 years to get a ring I think is a really important reason, and yes the mom sick is important, but sometimes with our subconscious we just kind of justify more deep reasons with the most obvious ones.

If yall think a ring is important, then wouldn''t it be better to just get something simple, and upgrade later if you want, than to put a strain on the relationship by not getting one at all?

Would you rather put money into a ring or a wedding? Would you consider getting married without using much money, and then having a reception later when you can afford it?

I''m just sayin, there might be a deeper reason. You have to communicate. Those little bouts of frusteration as you say, do not count as clear communication unless they actually are filled with words you can understand.

In my relationship, one of us pushes, and one of us tends to try and give up. We have also both found things to judge eachother about. Once we figured out that we are both as selfish as the other, then we could learn to trust eachother. *shrugs. I don''t know if you have that problem or not, but if there is a deeper reason he doesn''t feel the trust, or ability to completely open up, then as a guy i can understand. It just takes time, but he has to trust that whoever he is when he opens up to you completely will not be judged by you etc.. etc.. Maybe he feels guilty about something, maybe it''s fear of not knowing a purpose or career track, kids, guilty about thoughts. You have to talk.

If you are then you are, just tryin to help

 

[TheMisses]

Okay, my questiion is, are you SURE that is his plan? Does he want to move into a smaller house so that you have money to get married etc. or just because he wants to have a smaller mrtg payment? You may feel like it doesn''t need to be thoroughly discussed but it probably does. I would try the romantic, untraditional, gotta have you tactic and just ask him at the right moment to marry you. At this point, 7 years down the road, who cares who asks who?

The whole thing with his ex is so old that dinosaurs were probably walking the earth the at time they parted ways. He is a grown man and cannot allow that relationship to affect what is going on with you.

It would be good to wait until you guys are really getting along well for a few days and at some very special, intimate but CASUAL time, ask him to marry you. Kinda like it is no big deal but in a casual setting giving that feeling that ''this'' will be how marriage will be like. Not at some fancy restaurant or on vacation because you have been together so long.


It isn''t about the money and the wedding and the ring, it is about the commitment. AFtre 7 years, you deserve that commitment, so ask for it. Good luck!

 

[Souled In]

I disagree.

Instead of asking him to marry you.

Challenge him to a boxing match.

Tell him that if he wins you''ll do anything he wants.

Then tell him if you win, he has to marry you.

It''s not special, but it traps him, and it is sweet, to a man, and I am a man btw. You just wouldn''t understand, but talking to us on the level of battle and adventure.. well.. we can understand on a subconscious level something about instinct and choosing a mate. All this "commitment" stuff is great, but you can''t ignore the basic facts and instincs of a man, which if honed correctly, are to choose 1 mate, and only 1 mate.

That being said, make sure he has the gloves strapped on, and perhaps has others watching if you are really scared about him wimping out, (which after 7 years??), before you drop the line.

Make sure you look great, and have a great smile. Workout earlier, so your hormones are rushing and your skin is flush. Trick him in every way. He will appreciate, the "hunt." Hopefully you can understand something about that as a female, which you most definitely can.

And finally, if he beats you, and does not let you win.
Leave him.

And if you stay because it''s easy and you have money problems. That is not a good thing.

But if you do leave, tell him to remain faithful or you''ll cut off his nuts. (You always have to remain strong to some degree). It is a harsh thing to say, yes.

However, after saying this, if he goes to tell his friends that you are nuts, and does not defend for you, then he is not a man that is ready for you.

To make him ready for you, you have to go away for some time. He may be with other girls, but that is just his childishness. Or, you might both choose to find other mates. I disagree with this practice, but it might be a good option in your mind, and if you act upon it, and one of you gets married to another, it may just be meant to happen, I suppose.

GL

 

[TheMisses]

Date: 5/15/2010 11:45:18 PM
Author: Souled In
I disagree.

Instead of asking him to marry you.

Challenge him to a boxing match.

Tell him that if he wins you''ll do anything he wants.

Then tell him if you win, he has to marry you.

It''s not special, but it traps him, and it is sweet, to a man, and I am a man btw. You just wouldn''t understand, but talking to us on the level of battle and adventure.. well.. we can understand on a subconscious level something about instinct and choosing a mate. All this ''commitment'' stuff is great, but you can''t ignore the basic facts and instincs of a man, which if honed correctly, are to choose 1 mate, and only 1 mate.

That being said, make sure he has the gloves strapped on, and perhaps has others watching if you are really scared about him wimping out, (which after 7 years??), before you drop the line.

Make sure you look great, and have a great smile. Workout earlier, so your hormones are rushing and your skin is flush. Trick him in every way. He will appreciate, the ''hunt.'' Hopefully you can understand something about that as a female, which you most definitely can.

And finally, if he beats you, and does not let you win.
Leave him.

And if you stay because it''s easy and you have money problems. That is not a good thing.

But if you do leave, tell him to remain faithful or you''ll cut off his nuts. (You always have to remain strong to some degree). It is a harsh thing to say, yes.

However, after saying this, if he goes to tell his friends that you are nuts, and does not defend for you, then he is not a man that is ready for you.

To make him ready for you, you have to go away for some time. He may be with other girls, but that is just his childishness. Or, you might both choose to find other mates. I disagree with this practice, but it might be a good option in your mind, and if you act upon it, and one of you gets married to another, it may just be meant to happen, I suppose.

GL

To me, this is just asking him to marry you in a very childish way. I don''t know your personality, but I am a straightforward type of person. If you have to do "kid''s play" with him to get it to work out, he is not ready for marriage in my opinion. After 7 years he should be able to appreciate your sincerity and the fact that you really do love him and want to spend your life with him. Getting in front of people and getting flushed before hand and all this nonsense just sounds silly to me. I know the above advice is from a man, but I just spoke to my finance about it he does not think this is the way to go. Don''t play games, it has been too long. I agree with the above that you should move on if he is not ready by now, but putting on a charade is just too immature at your ages and at this point in a relationship, in my opinion.

Hope this helps.

*A.

 

[TheMisses]

Date: 5/14/2010 11:36:58 AM
Author: redhead02

I''m really sorry that you''re going through this. I have a good friend whose boyfriend just seems to show no signs of interest in getting married, and they''ve been together 4 years. She''s beyond frustrated but yet she can''t leave him.

Now you two seem like you''re at least having dialogue about it, and I found out recently that guys have a lot more money hangups about this than I ever realized. So that very well might be what''s going on. I discussed rolling way back on the ring idea with my boyfriend so that he could separate the idea of getting engaged with the cost of the ring, and I think the talk really helped. Maybe something similar would help your situation.

That is so true about men with the $. Before my fiance proposed we had gotten into a couple small fights about where we were going to live etc. Right now I live in L.A. and he lives in the Valley, which is about 30 minutes away. He purchased his condo last year and I rent with a roommate close to Bev Hills, Santa Monica and all the prime locations. He is the one who is obessed with staying in Cali and I said if we do, in about 5 years I would want purchase a home on the Westside of L.A. near where I live now.

The truth of the matter is that neither of us knows what the future holds and we could have to move out of Cali or even out of the country, but I think my ''westside'' goal put pressure on him and he is old-fashioned and wants to be the provider etc. and a home in that area would run about 1.5 million.

He finally realized that I just wanted to set a goal and I think we should set our goals high because we are capable of reaching them. Rather than me putting a demand on him I was just wanting to set a goal as a team and partnership and try to make it together.

Men can be very scared of marriage, not always because they are losing their freedom sexually, but because they feel they are responsible for you and the family that you rmake together and every single decision of the family. It is a lot of pressure when you think of it this way. The ring is just the first purchase of many many more to come, and it is also just the first decision of many more.

So my advice to COMFORTABLY_NUMB, besides the advice I''ve already given is to assure him that this is about joining forces and working together. This is about a partnership and he shouldn''t feel as though all the pressure is solely on him. To be honest also, if you think it is possible to stay in the home you are in for a couple more years, do it! Consider renting a room to someone to help with bills. It is a bad market for sellers and if you could stick it out for a little while, you may have made some money on the property!

 

[TheMisses]

Date: 5/1/2010 9:57:27 PM
Author: comfortably-numb
Thankyou all for the replies, i will try to answer a couple of your questions.

The dinosaurs comment is a joke on both our parts, a friend said it to us once and it stuck with us.

As for the money side of things i maybe should have gone into it more.. I lost my job last august and have been unable to find another as of yet. The house we live in is way too big for us and we both know we cannot afford to keep living here. The last year has been spent decorating, painting, gardening etc to put it on the market. We should be ready to get it valued in the next few weeks.

Plan is to move away, buy a smaller house that we can afford, and get married.

One thing i forgot to mention, his ex gf (they were together three years) hurt him a lot, in the end after she had already ripped his heart out she ended up leaving him for his best friend. After she left him he lived alone for four years. He was very slow to open up to me, he first told me he loved me after a year together. Now he says it a lot, and when he doesnt say it he shows it.

Im not sure at this point if i can figure out if we have just had a bit of bad luck along the way or if its a case of he doesnt want to marry me, i guess thats why im here, i think i need other peoples views.

I am 29, hes 34. I dont know if this will make sense but i feel like im too ''old'' to be dating somebody for 7 years?? I feel stupid saying he is my boyfriend at my age lol and plus he feels like much more to me.

Read the comment above. You may want to consider renting a room or even 2 to help with bills. That way if you can stick it out for a while you may end up making money on yoru home!

 

[Souled In]

hahaha

putting on a charade might be too much for some, yes, but showing you will spend a lot of energy in preparation, can be seen as very considerate, where as simply being direct can be seen as an easy way to unload your emotions on someone that is not prepared.. the charade simply just makes a game out of it, but I see your point. And if you can truly connect, and create a bond with a direct way of action that is heart felt, that that might surely be the best way.

Perhaps one must wait until thine opportunity does present its self, before choosing what is the best course of action.

fun stuff..

Oh, one more thing. If you do plan on trapping him, do it right with a smile on your face, so that he knows he will enjoy the the adventure of life with you for the rest of eternity, and give him no way out, if you know in your heart that you are good for him, then he will appreciate it later. So what if he is not ready for marriage, make him ready, and help him grow later. Fights? No shit, but keep trying.

In this context, you aren't asking him to marry you, you are telling him to. This to me seems much better than asking him. It is fun and cool, sure, but it also does hide the fact that the man is not ready to act, and it might be better to show him by example of how you will need to lead the relationship since he is not ready to do so, by telling him of marriage, rather than asking him, which he would have done were he more "mature" or "ready" or what ever.

Promise him everything in the world, just tell him he has to stay faithful. If he agrees to that, you can point out that staying faithful can mean anything you want later, like faithful to cleaning the dishes, etc...

Seriously, this is life, get creative with it, he's not just a shoulder to cry on right?

I shall be proposing soon, with the ring hidden in a sea shell, however, I would be just as joyed were my mate to simply demand it of me in a clever scheme that doesn't hurt anybody. I would be proud in her confidence and mind. Of course she is not that way, and I am the more confident one, and she has given me many hints, and therefore I will propose because she is the one. Simple. Finances, not so much, in fact, we are getting a Moissanite, which has a higher fire rating, and since it comes from a meteor, has super woman properties.

Just sayin.. what yall think?