The Bridesmaid Dress Dilemma: aka, to pay, or not to pay...

[absolut_blonde]

Okay, I know this one tends to vary regionally/culturally but what did or will you do? Did you cover the cost of the dress completely, some of the cost, or nothing at all?

It seems like most people around here do not cover any of the costs at all. But I feel bad not pitching in, especially because two of my BM really do not make much money. However: I really think it would be a stretch to pay for all 3 of my BMs dresses. I might be able to swing it if I found a dress at a regular non-bridal store, but I''m not convinced I will find a dress that I like somewhere like that (I have been looking, with zero luck).

Is it tacky to offer to pitch in for, say, half? The dresses I''ve found are in the $250-300 range.

 

[sonnyjane]

I have only stood in one wedding, and my dress was only $130, so we paid for ours individually. If it was more expensive, I don't think it would be tacky to offer to pay half. Honestly, being a bridesmaid, though an honor, is very, VERY financially trying. I know I spent about $1800 between the dress, shoes, hair, manicure, flight, and hotel. I love my friend to death, but that wedding really hurt my wallet. If you don't want to offer to pay half of the dress, maybe pick up the cost somewhere else, like manicures, hair, makeup, something else down the road.

 

[jcarlylew]

i''d say if the dress is above their do-able price range, then it would be a kind gesture to pay for part of it. that said, i''ve never experienced a bm dress being paid for by the bride.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

We paid for all the clothes/shoes/accessories everyone in our bridal party wore.

And even then, one of my sisters "forgot" her bridesmaids dress back home.

And my flower girl wore some hideous crocs

I say that you should do what you can if that is what you feel inclined to do, but you should understand that no one expects you to pay for it. Most people know that being in a wedding means that you agree to pay for your dress, hair/makeup, accessories, etc....

Good Luck!

 

[cleokizzy]

it would be very nice if you would offer to pay half - specially since you mentioned it is in the $250-300 price range which is, imo, on the expensive side.

this may sound stupid but in some cases, not everyone knows that they have to pay for the gowns. just wanted to share from my personal experience: from where i came from before migrating here in the US - the beautiful islands of the Philippines! - the couple pays for all of the bm's dresses/gowns. i've been a bm & flowergirl on several occasions and didn't have to pay a single cent except for the make-up/hairdo. a few years ago, when i was asked to be a bm (i'm already in US) by a friend (not really a close friend though) i said "YES" right away and THEN got the shock of my life when a few months before the wedding i was told i need to pay $120+alterations and make-up!!! i was just starting out during those times so you could just imagine what a financial setback that was for me. but i already said yes and the invites were out so i ended up spending a chunk of my savings.

from then on, i became choosy on accepting bm requests. ehehe.

 

[ts44]

I am buying my girls their dresses and jewelry as their bridesmaid gifts, I''m not requiring matching shoes. My dresses were in a middling price range at $130 apiece, not super expensive but not "cheap" either. Personally, no matter what I would have bought their dresses because I can''t wrap my head around the idea of making somebody pay for something they might think is completely hideous but have to wear anyway because I said so.

 

[FrekeChild]

I bought her dress (after Christmas sale last year, marked down to $30 from $160--thank goodness they had her size!), and because it was so cheap I bought her shoes too. My dad is paying for her hair and makeup, and so all she has to pay for are alterations to her dress (needs to be let out the tiniest bit around the hips) and whatever jewelry she wants.

Her BF and she are paying for their way out there and the hotel.

OMG its getting close! I can''t wait!

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 11/2/2009 1:28:01 PM
Author: ts44
I am buying my girls their dresses and jewelry as their bridesmaid gifts, I''m not requiring matching shoes. My dresses were in a middling price range at $130 apiece, not super expensive but not ''cheap'' either. Personally, no matter what I would have bought their dresses because I can''t wrap my head around the idea of making somebody pay for something they might think is completely hideous but have to wear anyway because I said so.

Ditto. haha! It''s just a weird tradition, IMHO

Bridesmaid dresses are just part of my wedding budget like flowers or music. If I couldn''t afford to pay for their dresses because they were too expensive, I certainly wouldn''t expect them to!

 

[janinegirly]

I think there is a wide range for what people do/don''t do. I guess you have to use your judgement. In general, I think BM''s pay for their own dresses assuming there isn''t financial hardship or the dresses aren''t too expensive. In my case I made sure to find a reasonable dress (and there was quite a range for the same dress)--in the end they were around 150 each. I found ways for BM''s to save money on alterations, free delivery etc. I did pay for hair/make up on the day...so I rationalized it that way. I did chip in for my sister''s dress--b/c she''s my little sister and quite young, so less $$ compared to my other bm''s.

Anyway, if I were you, I think I''d see if I could find the dress cheaper and yes, offer to chip in for those who might need it. Just be sure to word it in a way that doesn''t sound condescending,etc. Or consider chipping in somewhere else (hair, transport, hotel, say no gift..etc) is a good way to help without making it obvious that you think they can''t afford it,etc.

 

[Octavia]

If I had required my bridesmaids to get any particular dress, I would have paid for it, no questions asked. As it happened, I told them to wear whatever they wanted, and they decided together to get dresses in matching fabric but different styles. I actually had no clue what the dresses looked like until the day before the wedding...anyway, since they were basically able to get whatever they wanted to wear (I wouldn't have cared if they'd just worn something they already had) I didn't end up paying for the dresses but got them very nice bridesmaids gifts. I was happy to hear that they'd gotten them on sale at 50% off, though!

I do think that $250-$300 is very expensive for a bridesmaid dress, especially if alterations are on top of that. I have never bought any dress that pricey, with the exception of my wedding dress, and would be a little miffed if the bride didn't at least pitch in for them. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if dresses at that price point would put a lot of people on the verge of not being able to afford to be a bridesmaid, especially since you say some of your friends don't make much money. If you want to pay for half, I think that would be really nice of you and that your bridesmaids will certainly appreciate it. Can you place the order for all the dresses at the same time, pay half of the total, and have them pay the balances?

 

[MustangGal]

I ended up paying for all 4 BM dresses, but then I did find them all on clearence in the right sizes, for $20 each

. I also bought the shoes for my sisters (they were both teenagers), and got necklaces as gifts for all of them.

My SIL had 4 of her 5 BMs pay for their dresses, but for some reason bought mine for me

. They were $175, and she even paid for it in front of a few of the other girls. I could have affforded it, and she never explained why.

$250-$300 sounds on the high side, so maybe offer to pay half.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Dresses were $208. They paid for the dress & alterations, I paid tax & shipping. I checked w. my BMs multiple times, however, to make sure $208 was okay. I purchased sweet patent leather Coach clutches & pashminas for each of the girls, and I''m paying for their hairstyles.

I don''t want, nor do I expect, wedding presents from my bridesmaids. The cost of the dress + travel to the wedding was plenty. When I add up their gifts, hair, and ceremony/reception expenses, I more-or-less break even with them. Though the wedding is not about $$$ I didn''t want to rob their bank accounts. As much as they spend to stand up at the altar with me, I want to put towards them in some way, shape, or form.

 

[supergirl10]

I am paying for my two (bridesmaid and MOH)''s dress, makeup and hair, their gifts will be jewellery and they are paying for their own shoes.

I am doing this because we are getting the dresses customs made because each girls have unusal figures because of their unsually large bust size.

Also one of my bridesmaids likes to wear clothes that are a bit figure hugging for my liking so by getting custon made gowns they are not "a size" and we will not have any problems with her wanting to purchase dresses in a specific size.

I''m am a bit more specific with the look that I would like them to have and I don''t want to put them at financial hardship or them get upset because I would like hair and makeup done professionally and they have to pay for this.

 

[sba771]

My girls all said yes knowing they would be paying for the dress. I think that is assumed for the most part and is hopefully taken into consideration when they say yes. My girls were really generous and all said they would be ok spending up to $200. Desipte this I am aiming to $150 or less. I am also letting them pick their own dresses, shoes don''t matter and I''ll treat to hair and makeup. I am also leaning towards black dresses so they can wear them again and I will just get purple sashes for them.
I think if you could afford to treat, great! Frankly if I could afford it all my girls would be in Nicole Miller and I wish I could. I don''t think anyone would say no if you offer and its really nice.

 

[bee*]

I''m in Ireland and we pay for everything for the bridesmaids-dress, shoes, accessories, make-up, hair etc so that''s what I did.

 

[Pandora II]

I''m in the UK and I also paid for everything - it''s usual here as well.

 

[that_someone_special]

Their dresses were like... $125 I think??? I did not pay for them. I did buy them a clutch and their jewelry so far, and will be paying for hair and make-up. They will be buying their shoes too. I have never known anyone that buys the dress for the girls.

I know where you are coming from though- I just want to pay for everything, but I need to draw the line somewhere and maybe you should too? Pick a budget and say you''ll pitch in $150 each and they pay for the rest or something. I''m sure they would appreciate any bit of help.

 

[mayachel]

As a bridesmaid, it was definitely nice to not pay for the dress. Though when I think of it rationally in terms of other weddings I've gone to that I've bought a dress for...aren't we usually expected to pay for our own clothes? I think if you are worried about their finances, maybe help with costs in other ways. I'm not 100% on what I will do in terms of paying for dresses, but the rooms at the place the reception is are very expensive as far as I'm concerned ($250). I'm paying for their rooms the night of the wedding. They are all having to travel to attend.

 

[neatfreak]

Personally if someone asked me to buy a $300 dress without clearing it with me first I would probably bow out. I think that is a LOT of money for a bridesmaids dress.

I think you should discuss a reasonable budget with your BM's BEFORE the dresses are decided upon so that they don't feel put out by the expense after they agree to be a BM.

So yes, if the dresses are that expensive I do think you should chip in as much as you can. And make sure you get their approval first because for many people that is an expensive dress!

I didn't ask my MOH to buy a dress for my wedding at all-so maybe I am in the minority. But in the weddings I have been in the dresses were around the $100-150 range which I think is MUCH more reasonable personally.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I paid for all the BM dresses. For me it made sense because, like you, my BM''s didn''t make a ton of money and also had other responsibilities. I wanted their being in the wedding to be as stress-free as possible, and lets be honest--coming up with hundreds of dollars is stressful when you don''t have it. I think my BM"s really did appreciate it...although we never "chatted about it"...it was something they looked forward to instead of something they had to pinch pennies to afford. On the flip side, I loved paying for them. I could really get the exact dress I wanted them to wear and not have any guilt over the price because it was all on me. In the end, I really can''t think of a down side to paying or going halves on it. Really, none.

I think it''s wonderful that you want to pay...I anticipate they will be very thankful you did.

 

[purselover]

We''re not having a wedding party, but if we did we definitely would''ve paid for the dresses and tux rentals.

 

[meresal]

IMO, if you want them to pay for a $300 dress (not to mention alterations which will run at least $30)... and you KNOW that some of them can't afford it, then you need to fork over some money, if not all of it.

I was looking at a dress that was over $300, and after talking with some of the ladies here, I realized if I just put the time in, that I would find something else, for much less.
Like you, I thought there was no way to, but I spent hours upon hours looking, and finally found something that I loved. THEN, I oredered them thru RK Bridal in New York, and they were half the price of any bridal salon.

If you try, you can do it. I promise.

We did not pay for our BM dresses. They were long and black, so I asked each of them to wear a "fun" color heel, and then I paid for hair and make-up to be done the day of the wedding.

What are you looking for? Maybe we can help.

 

[janinegirly]

I 2nd RK Bridal and the fact that there is a wide range in prices of BM dresses (the same dress at different prices) Of course might not be the case if it''s an unusual dress/custom/high end designer in which case it would be nice to pitch in as it is such specific request.

 

[elrohwen]

I ended up picking dresses that were $250, which I thought was outrageous. So, I agreed to pay for half of the dress for each of my two girls (if I had more than 2 girls, I probably would've just picked cheaper dresses!). My MOH has a good job and thought it was silly that I would pay for any of it. She didn't want me to, but I got to fill out the order form and put both of our credit cards on it

For SIL, who was my other bridesmaid, we had a bit of an issue. She was a poor college student at the time, so I thought DH and I agreed to split the cost with MIL. When the time came, MIL swore I had agreed to pay for all of it and got really upset (like crying in her room upset). It was a pretty stupid thing to get upset about, IMO, because we would have been willing to pay for the whole thing if she would've just asked us. In the end, we did end up paying for all of SIL's dress to keep MIL from getting upset again.

ETA: We also paid for half of the guys' suits. I couldn't find any tux rentals that I liked, but we found decent suits on sale. By paying for half I made the cost less than what it would've cost them to rent, so I thought that was fair. Plus they got a suit to keep!

 

[absolut_blonde]

Thanks all. I wouldn't go with an expensive dress unless I pitched in at least half, just didn't know if only paying half was 'tacky' somehow. LOL.

I am trying to find a more reasonably priced option, but it's tough. Things are more expensive in general in Canada (exchange rate, hidden costs associated with getting things up here, lack of selection/competition and other factors. I don't live in a major centre like Toronto, either). And, there isn't a ton of choice here. I haven't found a single "bridesmaid" dress under $200 so far.

I'm totally open to getting dresses from a regular retail store, but I've not had much luck in that arena thus far. I do have lots of time to look, at least. But then I have to ensure that all of the girls dresses get purchased right away so the dress doesn't sell out (I have BMs in two different cities). I'm bad enough at figuring out my own size- stores way are too inconsistent- so I don't want to risk purchasing the dresses for them and having the fit be totally off. So the logistics of that one concern me a bit as ordering seems more straightforward, but it is cheaper for sure.

 

[joelly]

My bridesmaids and flower girls are my FI nieces and they offer to pay everything themselves. When I was a bridemaids for my friend''s wedding, I have to pay for the dress, shoes, hair and makeup by myself. Total costs was like $300. Even my bridemaids dress is more expensive than the bride gown.

Its her choice. I still have the dress.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 11/3/2009 9:50:34 AM
Author: Pandora II
I''m in the UK and I also paid for everything - it''s usual here as well.

Ditto - it''s not expected that bridesmaids would pay for dresses to be in someone else''s wedding. Having said that, i would have no objection to contributing if I were a bridesmaid or maid of honour

 

[meresal]

Date: 11/4/2009 1:08:58 PM
Author: absolut_blonde
Thanks all. I wouldn't go with an expensive dress unless I pitched in at least half, just didn't know if only paying half was 'tacky' somehow. LOL.

I am trying to find a more reasonably priced option, but it's tough. Things are more expensive in general in Canada (exchange rate, hidden costs associated with getting things up here, lack of selection/competition and other factors. I don't live in a major centre like Toronto, either). And, there isn't a ton of choice here. I haven't found a single 'bridesmaid' dress under $200 so far.

I'm totally open to getting dresses from a regular retail store, but I've not had much luck in that arena thus far. I do have lots of time to look, at least. But then I have to ensure that all of the girls dresses get purchased right away so the dress doesn't sell out (I have BMs in two different cities). I'm bad enough at figuring out my own size- stores way are too inconsistent- so I don't want to risk purchasing the dresses for them and having the fit be totally off. So the logistics of that one concern me a bit as ordering seems more straightforward, but it is cheaper for sure.

Are you only looking at bridal salons? do your BM's live in bigger cities? can they get to them easily?

Here is what I did. I found the dress I liked online and found a store in my area that carried that designer and made sure they had the right style, and went to see it in person. After I tried it on and liked it, I searched for stores in each city that carried that designer. Then I called each store to see if they had the style. I emailed each BM the store name, address, phone number, and dress size at each store if there was more than one in their particular area, so that they could go try it on, tell me what they thought, and what size they would need to order.
After they all went to see the dress in person and tried them on, I ordered ALL 9 online from RK Bridal (a place that will knock 5% off the lowest price you can find anywhere... which is online)... and then all the dresses were delivered directly to each BM's house for $7.

If you try, you can do it. I couldn't find a single dress for less than $200. Then I found the one I liked for $235 in the bridal salon, then searched online and found it for $169, and so RK Bridal let me buy them for $145. And each dress was $152 including shipping.

Like I said earlier. If you post the dress you like, we can probably help. MANY of us have been thru this already.

 

[Haven]

We didn''t pay for the bridesmaids'' dresses or the grooms'' rentals. I did let my bridesmaids choose whatever dress they liked, though, so they had control over the cost.

We did pay for my bridesmaids'' to have their hair and makeup done. I didn''t require they had either service, of course.

I don''t think it''s tacky to contribute half of the cost of the dresses, but I would urge you to try to find a more affordable dress. That is a lot of money for a bridesmaid dress.

Good luck!

 

[ladypirate]

Have you checked out j crew? They have some really cute bridesmaids dresses in lots of different colors and are pretty reasonable, especially if you can get them on sale.