The Agony Of Defeat!

[Gypsy]

My husband and I spent the better part of the last week discussing this at dinner every night.

once Ame said - several months ago - that she will never be pleased. Is not ABLE to be pleased. Has never once found any piece of jewelry satisfactory. (I'm paraphrasing.)
I think it's a VERY SERIOUS issue. But not one of workmanship or customer service -- but one of coping mechanisms & self care & lowering expectations & tendency toward fixation.

This ultimately, is the point. Deco is right, IMO.

 

[E B]

This may have been adressed in a previous thread, but if you're a perfectionist who frequently loupes her rings, I'd think choosing to wear something with tiny prongs holding tiny stones would be a constant exercise in frustration. Even if it's loupe-clean upon purchase/remake, what about after you grab doorknobs a few hundred times? Hit it against countertops on a daily basis?

 

[Laila619]

This may have been adressed in a previous thread, but if you're a perfectionist who frequently loupes her rings, I'd think choosing to wear something with tiny prongs holding tiny stones would be a constant exercise in frustration. Even if it's loupe-clean upon purchase/remake, what about after you grab doorknobs a few hundred times? Hit it against countertops on a daily basis?

I think pave is not really good for perfectionists.

The best rings would probably be just a plain band with a plain 4 prong solitaire (fewer prongs to mess up).

 

[Amys Bling]

Deco & Gypsy- just wanted to chime in and say that you both are soooo my husband! When I have a problem and I complain or whine about it- he doesn't coddle me or feed into it... he looks me in the eye and says, "What you are doing right now isn't going to solve it. So pick yourself up, and DO something about it- deal with it- and be done with it" I love him for it because he keeps me balanced on what is important on life- stops me from feeling sorry for myself- and fixating on the little things...while I am a detail oriented involved Type A person.


Sorry for the threadjack- just wanted to let you ladies know how much of him I see in your responses- and I totally get your perspective on it.

 

[Gypsy]

Deco & Gypsy- just wanted to chime in and say that you both are soooo my husband! When I have a problem and I complain or whine about it- he doesn't coddle me or feed into it... he looks me in the eye and says, "What you are doing right now isn't going to solve it. So pick yourself up, and DO something about it- deal with it- and be done with it" I love him for it because he keeps me balanced on what is important on life- stops me from feeling sorry for myself- and fixating on the little things...while I am a detail oriented involved Type A person.


Sorry for the threadjack- just wanted to let you ladies know how much of him I see in your responses- and I totally get your perspective on it.

Amy, I'm not always like that. I like a good wallow sometimes, and understand others indulging too. As long as it's just for a while and perspective is gained eventually. But when it's this extreme it's hard not to want to shake someone up a bit and hope they hear at least part of what you are saying (even if you know it won't do a bit of good). And on here... at least if Ame doesn't listen... maybe someone else might and if it helps them even a little bit, then it's worthwhile.

 

[Amys Bling]

Deco & Gypsy- just wanted to chime in and say that you both are soooo my husband! When I have a problem and I complain or whine about it- he doesn't coddle me or feed into it... he looks me in the eye and says, "What you are doing right now isn't going to solve it. So pick yourself up, and DO something about it- deal with it- and be done with it" I love him for it because he keeps me balanced on what is important on life- stops me from feeling sorry for myself- and fixating on the little things...while I am a detail oriented involved Type A person.


Sorry for the threadjack- just wanted to let you ladies know how much of him I see in your responses- and I totally get your perspective on it.

Amy, I'm not always like that. I like a good wallow sometimes, and understand others indulging too. As long as it's just for a while and perspective is gained eventually. But when it's this extreme it's hard not to want to shake someone up a bit and hope they hear at least part of what you are saying (even if you know it won't do a bit of good). And on here... at least if Ame doesn't listen... maybe someone else might and if it helps them even a little bit, then it's worthwhile.

Not knocking either of you- I do think that people need perspective at different times depending on the situation.

 

[Gypsy]

I never thought you were honey. I was just clarifying.

 

[ame]

This may have been adressed in a previous thread, but if you're a perfectionist who frequently loupes her rings, I'd think choosing to wear something with tiny prongs holding tiny stones would be a constant exercise in frustration. Even if it's loupe-clean upon purchase/remake, what about after you grab doorknobs a few hundred times? Hit it against countertops on a daily basis?

Aside from not being full eternity, I don't use my left hand to open doors if my rings are on, nor are they worn in a kitchen. Any kitchen. I don't use my left hand with rings on for any reason. It's just there for decoration at that time. That's just how I am. I often have them off at home, whether they are well made or not, because I am at home, doing laundry or sorting stuff or generally laying around listless, but esp during wedding season when I am assembling orders, and that's less about the rings, more about the paper/ink/etc. that I don't want any scratching or denting of since someone else paid for that and it's not mine to dent or scratch. No one on the assembly is allowed to wear rings, polish, have nails, touch their face, eat or drink or anything that could splash or leave any sort of damage or imprint on the paper. If it would work to use a cotton glove I would do it, but it just gets in the way. My anal retentiveness knows no bounds.

As for the rest of this...it is what it is. I don't argue with your assessments, because I know you're at least partly right. I know I am not easily pleased and a raging perfectionist. And I have made that abundantly clear, to everyone, everywhere. This band was fine aside from the chipped stones when I got it, so I know they can remake it and do it right. They just needed to do that in the beginning and not do this insane back and forth business that I tolerated for too long. And if not, then I get a refund and give up. *shrug*

As I am sure you are aware, and as you like to consistently point out, I obsess. I obsess over things that may even be in my control. It's not a flaw I am proud of, but that's how I am, it makes my husband insane, but he doesn't take care of his things, in the exact polar opposite way that I actually do care for my things. I had a panic attack over my health because it wasn't being properly treated, I am seeing other doctors that are taking it more seriously. But the rings didn't have any affect on that situation. That's completely separate and was not triggered at all by this situation. I mostly blame my desire to drink soda and eat yummy good foods that I should probably not eat, and my lack of desire to have self control in that area.

I do need to point out that in my daily life, only a few people know about this stuff. My jewelry loving friends and my husband. No one else. Its all internalized or posted on here, where in theory people can commiserate. No one in daily life would ever know what was going on with this if they didn't see it on here. They just think I don't wear my rings all that often.

Also, the agony of defeat as i named this thread is being seriously taken far too seriously. It was intended to be at least half funny.

 

[frankiextah]

Ame, this is a jewelry forum and no one here has the right to judge you or assess you in any way. i'm on your side in pursuing the perfect band. wishing you luck, tons of dust !!

p.s. if the flyer band doesn't work and if you get a refund, i wonder if VC can help out ?

 

[ame]

Ame, this is a jewelry forum and no one here has the right to judge you or assess you in any way. i'm on your side in pursuing the perfect band. wishing you luck, tons of dust !!

p.s. if the flyer band doesn't work and if you get a refund, i wonder if VC can help out ?

Thank you!

I have not really started in on finding a new craftsman for it. Right now I just want to find out if we're doing the refund or the remake, and if it's the refund then Ill start working on that. I am burned out on this stuff.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Ame, I said this earlier and I was serious...if you get a refund, you need to start over with bands that are already made, such as Tiffany. My Legacy band is pretty much loupe perfect. But let's say you went there (or anywhere that has stock bands) and weren't sure the one you liked was perfect enough, all you'd have to do is ask them to bring in a couple more so that you could choose the best one. If you got home with one and then saw problems, you'd have 30 days to return it with no questions asked. That is the kind of ring you need to buy.

It sounds like the whole problem with the Flyer band was that they had to mess with it because of the chipped stones. Victor Canera said recently in Yssie's thread that he learned from his experience making her ring to never go back and try to rework a finished ring. That was where Flyer made the mistake. They should have made you a new ring then as the ring was never the same again once they removed and replaced diamonds. I think we all learn things through the experiences of others, and now we all know it is best to request a remake or refund when a ring comes in less than expected.

 

[aljdewey]

Ame, I said this earlier and I was serious...if you get a refund, you need to start over with bands that are already made, such as Tiffany.

This really is the heart of the matter. By her own admission, Ame's never been able to achieve a single satisfactory outcome despite having worked with several jewelers. She is the common denominator here, and she freely owns her issues. Bravo.

But Ame, if you're really gonna own them, then you need to stop doing the same things expecting different results. I will say this bluntly.....you are not a good candidate for custom work. Full stop. No ifs, no ands, and no buts.

DS hit the nail precisely on the head. You need to go with your 100x mag loupe and find something already made.....off the shelf....that passes muster, and then buy it. And when you do, buy 10 of them, because the moment one incurs a scratch despite your careful efforts, you'll be fully unable to be at peace with it, so you need to have some in reserve.

If you can't reach a point of good enough, maybe it's best to go without a ring. It just seems pointless to worry about owning something for sentimental or symbolic sake when it typically only ends up symbolizing distress.

I"m not knocking you for your issues, but if you're self-aware enough to own them, then it's only a short step past that to finding a more creative way to work around them. Maybe consider an off the shelf wedding pendant that is fully unlikely to come into contact with anything that could inflict trauma. It just seems like a more sane approach.

 

[Laila619]

I want to know why Flyer sent a band with chipped stones in the first place. Who does that?!

 

[ame]

I have yet to find anything that I can just buy, Tiffany or otherwise, that is what I am actually looking for. They're either too wide, not narrow enough, too tall, only come in full eternity, or not in Platinum. I do not disagree, though, that custom is a problem for me. It always has been. I just need to go learn benchwork I think and then do it myself.

And that's exactly what did happen, they messed with the ring, and that was the beginning of the end for it. So, if this remake doesn't happen or doesn't work out as expected, then I will get a refund and I probably will just go find something off the rack. Ill probably be looking for a while though, since what I want does not really seem to exist without being made to order.

I want to know why Flyer sent a band with chipped stones in the first place. Who does that?!

That's EXACTLY what I said from the start. If they work at and inspect at 10x, which is what I "graded" it on after seeing them with my bare eyes, then this should have been GLARINGLY apparent immediately. Because you didn't need a loupe to see the chips with one exception. They were right in the table, in plain sight. I only got the 30x out to check out the stones as a whole. With the damage to those stones aside, the melee is fantastic. Very high clarity and very well cut.

But I do own my neuroses. I am my own worst critic.

 

[Laughinggravy0]

Ame dear, I hope you get the money back and do buy off the peg. You say that what you want isn't around, I for one haven't seen a photo or description of what you are looking for. Without wanting to start you on an explanation, can we help you find off the peg - thinking positive and thinking you'll get a refund. I'm sure it must be out there somewhere, no?

If you do see that you are driving both yourself and your husband bananas, that's half the battle. Like another poster said, please find a creative way to work around it. Also, before you get into a spiral again, think of something you can do physically to consciously recognise its happening again and when you feel your losing perspective, do that little act to try and jog yourself out of it. It is down to you to say 'this far and no further'. Like a key word to be used in an argument that both recognise means stop now. Or a hand thump on the floor in a judo lock. I think you need to try and work towards taking a step out of yourself when you feel yourself slipping into being 'obsessive'. I'm only using the word because you have about yourself. I'd not dream of describing you that way if you hadn't.

Good luck with it girl.

 

[ame]

Assuming I end up with a refund, which we'll have to wait and see, I want a 1.9mm or 2.0 mm band, platinum, micropave, either fishtail (BGD has a good example, as does SK) or similar to the Novo, half eternity. I like the 4prong per stone look of the Novo a lot. Which is similar to my current Flyer. Platinum is non negotiable, I cannot wear a gold ring. I don't really want "shared prong" or super open on the side. Ideal cut melee is also a non-negotiable.

The only "brands" we have here are Tiffany. We don't have anywhere else like that where you just walk in and buy it. It would be in a size 6 probably, just because it's easier that way. I can always add sizing balls later. But as I get older I think my knuckles are just gonna get worse. And I can get a 6 over for the most part and then it just flops.

But I am waiting to see what comes of this remake/refund before I make plans.

As for the obsessive thing...and the drawing the line...this is it. If the remake doesn't happen, and I get a refund great. If it DOES happen and it's NOT right or acceptable, then I do a refund. And that's that. That's the extent. But I have had so many custom things go ...not well...that I am done. I wish I had more options locally to check out in person and loupe maniacally. But we don't. We're too small market!

 

[Laila619]

Assuming I end up with a refund, which we'll have to wait and see, I want a 1.9mm or 2.0 mm band, platinum, micropave, either fishtail (BGD has a good example, as does SK) or similar to the Novo, half eternity. I like the 4prong per stone look of the Novo a lot. Which is similar to my current Flyer. Platinum is non negotiable, I cannot wear a gold ring. I don't really want "shared prong" or super open on the side. Ideal cut melee is also a non-negotiable.

The only "brands" we have here are Tiffany. We don't have anywhere else like that where you just walk in and buy it. It would be in a size 6 probably, just because it's easier that way. I can always add sizing balls later. But as I get older I think my knuckles are just gonna get worse. And I can get a 6 over for the most part and then it just flops.

But I am waiting to see what comes of this remake/refund before I make plans.

As for the obsessive thing...and the drawing the line...this is it. If the remake doesn't happen, and I get a refund great. If it DOES happen and it's NOT right or acceptable, then I do a refund. And that's that. That's the extent. But I have had so many custom things go ...not well...that I am done. I wish I had more options locally to check out in person and loupe maniacally. But we don't. We're too small market!

I'd try the BGD Novella.

 

[Rhea]

I have big mind clean issues with one of my rings. To the point where I obsessed, it caused problems in my relationship, and I was never happy when wearing it. So I got a new ring! It's a pretty thing and I love it. I do still wear my original engagement ring, but I stopped needing it to be perfect because I found perfect (for me, anyway - it's still a vintage piece with it's own flaws) elsewhere. When I wear my engagement ring now I just enjoy it for what it is. When DH or anyone else points out that it's pretty, I'm able to say thank, not rattle off the list of faults with it. This was a huge step for me and took me several years.

I agree with those in the start over camp. If you don't find it now, wear something plain in the meantime and buy it when you find it!

 

[ame]

Assuming I end up with a refund, which we'll have to wait and see, I want a 1.9mm or 2.0 mm band, platinum, micropave, either fishtail (BGD has a good example, as does SK) or similar to the Novo, half eternity. I like the 4prong per stone look of the Novo a lot. Which is similar to my current Flyer. Platinum is non negotiable, I cannot wear a gold ring. I don't really want "shared prong" or super open on the side. Ideal cut melee is also a non-negotiable.

The only "brands" we have here are Tiffany. We don't have anywhere else like that where you just walk in and buy it. It would be in a size 6 probably, just because it's easier that way. I can always add sizing balls later. But as I get older I think my knuckles are just gonna get worse. And I can get a 6 over for the most part and then it just flops.

But I am waiting to see what comes of this remake/refund before I make plans.

As for the obsessive thing...and the drawing the line...this is it. If the remake doesn't happen, and I get a refund great. If it DOES happen and it's NOT right or acceptable, then I do a refund. And that's that. That's the extent. But I have had so many custom things go ...not well...that I am done. I wish I had more options locally to check out in person and loupe maniacally. But we don't. We're too small market!

I'd try the BGD Novella.

Not an option. In part because it's custom, and in part because it's BGD and they and WF are not companies I am comfortable patronizing again.

 

[Gypsy]

Honestly Ame, I'm pretty sure that either of those companies would either refuse to work with you or quote you such a high PITA surcharge as to make it impractical for you to work with them. I wouldn't take you on as a customer.

I really think you need to be more flexible about 'off the peg'. Scott Kay has what you want. Try them.

 

[AllieLuv83]

Every time you say patronizing I know you mean you mean to "frequent" but I can't help to think that you mean the other patronizing!

 

[ame]

lol yea, patronize as in buy from, not well..uh patronize.

Honestly Ame, I'm pretty sure that either of those companies would either refuse to work with you or quote you such a high PITA surcharge as to make it impractical for you to work with them. I wouldn't take you on as a customer.

I really think you need to be more flexible about 'off the peg'. Scott Kay has what you want. Try them.

They are not off the peg, they're to order also. I called all the local dealers of most of the higher end lines about in stock merch and every one said they're made to order. Same with HoF, Ritani and Verragio. None of the shops that I tried (11 in total) has anything you can just walk in and buy. They told me that most of their higher end merch is also in the case as cz not diamonds, and they don't stock items like that. We're a smaller market here so it's not a huge array of higher end jewelers that would have stuff you can walk in and out with. I even called a Jared and a Shane Co. They told me they make to order unless you were a size 7. Which I am not.

But I have not heard back regarding remake or refund yet. So I am waiting on that.

 

[Gypsy]

Okay. So they are made to order. But you are a size six. Have you called GOG to speak to Jon? I'd see if there is anything he can do to order you something from one of the lines he carries, but with a return policy and an understanding that it needs to be loupe perfect and he personally needs to examine it for that when it arrives there to make sure it is before it is shipped to you.

 

[ame]

Okay. So they are made to order. But you are a size six. Have you called GOG to speak to Jon? I'd see if there is anything he can do to order you something from one of the lines he carries, but with a return policy and an understanding that it needs to be loupe perfect and he personally needs to examine it for that when it arrives there to make sure it is before it is shipped to you.

He is the first vendor I will call if it comes to a refund. I haven't discussed it with them, because I didn't want to start involving another vendor in this situation.

 

[Imdanny]

Assuming I end up with a refund, which we'll have to wait and see, I want a 1.9mm or 2.0 mm band, platinum, micropave, either fishtail (BGD has a good example, as does SK) or similar to the Novo, half eternity. I like the 4prong per stone look of the Novo a lot. Which is similar to my current Flyer. Platinum is non negotiable, I cannot wear a gold ring. I don't really want "shared prong" or super open on the side. Ideal cut melee is also a non-negotiable.

The only "brands" we have here are Tiffany. We don't have anywhere else like that where you just walk in and buy it. It would be in a size 6 probably, just because it's easier that way. I can always add sizing balls later. But as I get older I think my knuckles are just gonna get worse. And I can get a 6 over for the most part and then it just flops.

I'll keep an eye out for something of that description. A couple thoughts- you wouldn't have to loupe a Cartier ring (seriously, it's pretty much "perfection" in QC) and Tiffany has very high quality wedding bands. Whoever told you the Flyer was going to be (or lead you to believe?) Cartier uniformity and quality was way off. Correct me If I'm wrong but you just said nothing except chips (I too think that alone is serious) in the diamonds was the only problem with it at first but they messed it up and kept messing it up. I wouldn't agree to having it remade again if I were you.

 

[kennedy]

Okay. So they are made to order. But you are a size six. Have you called GOG to speak to Jon? I'd see if there is anything he can do to order you something from one of the lines he carries, but with a return policy and an understanding that it needs to be loupe perfect and he personally needs to examine it for that when it arrives there to make sure it is before it is shipped to you.

He is the first vendor I will call if it comes to a refund. I haven't discussed it with them, because I didn't want to start involving another vendor in this situation.

What about these?

http://www.ebay.com/itm/New-Platinu...s_Gemstones&hash=item35a5a5569d#ht_2071wt_942

http://www.ebay.com/itm/New-Platinu...s_Gemstones&hash=item43a0dd6df7#ht_2900wt_942

Or, if you're not comfortable with Ebay, I once had Pearlman's send me a Scott Kay pave band in my size (6) to try out for a few days. They didn't even make me pay for it (if you can believe it!). It didn't work out for me, so I sent it back, but it's definitely possible to buy one off the shelf. Just call around to different stores and I'm sure someone will have one in your size.

 

[Imdanny]

What about this?

http://www.tiffany.com/Shopping/Item.aspx?fromGrid=1&sku=GRP02155&mcat=148204&cid=287462&search_params=s+5-p+15-c+287462-r+-x+-n+6-ri+-ni+0-t+

 

[ame]

Im generally not big on Ebay but I do have those both bookmarked actually.

Danny:
The novo you linked is lovely, but its a 2.2 mm band which is just a hair too wide.

Regarding your earlier post, when I received the Flyer, it was pretty much immaculate with the exception of those damaged stones. Slight roughness in a few prongs. When they replaced them is when it lost the immaculateness. And the more they messed with it to get it right, the worse it got. As is generally the way it goes. We did ask for a remake before it got to its worst point, and they told us NO. Flatly. Unless of course I wanted to pay again for a new one, and essentially get one for the price of two. How generous.

So at that point I needed a break, I talked with the jeweler about it and decided to hold off til the holidays were over. We were getting into holiday proposals/valentines proposals, and I didn't want to get mixed into that, especially not in front of someone who was planning for a christmas proposal that could be ruined if my ring went in queue before them. So we waited til now to deal with it.

Anyway...I just got an email from the jeweler that Flyer really wants to resolve this and when he receives the ring tomorrow he can call my jeweler and they can discuss the solution.

Yes imperfection is something I obsess over and go nuts in my brain over, but Id feel a lot worse if I knew some kids whole plan was ruined because of me. If this was an antique, I would not be so obsessive, I'd expect a flaw or chips.

 

[Amys Bling]

I want to know why Flyer sent a band with chipped stones in the first place. Who does that?!

seriously?? Is there no quality control??

 

[Amys Bling]

I'm glad they want to make it right- so are they actually going to do that this time around????