Thank you notes to guests who didn't give gift?

[MagsyMay]

Well I know this was discussed in the past but since the new search function still seems useless (e.g. I type in the word thank, and it tells me no results because the word does not appear in any posts huh, there's one two below this!)... ANYWAYS.

What to do about guests you attended the wedding but did not give or send a gift? I want to send thank you notes to all who attended to thank them for being a part of our day, but do not want it to be taken as an implied "oh hint hint you didn't give a gift" type of thing. Specifically, several guests have said "oh the check is in the mail" (but I'm thinkin' it wasn't...) or that they plan to give us/send us a gift but have not yet (this was weeks ago), and I do not want to send out a TY prematurely saying thank you for coming, with them thinking it is a reminder to send something, and then have to send a second TY note if they do send something!

I just don't want to be rude by excluding those from the TY note list simply because they did not give a gift, but don't know what the rule is. Thanks!!

 

[slg47]

I have read that it is proper etiquette to not write thank you notes for attending-the guests are supposed to thank the host for the party. Thank you notes should only be written for guests who gave gifts, as otherwise it might seem like you are looking for a gift. If they send a gift, then send them the thank you

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I sent postcards from our honeymoon. Not a thank you, but more of a "nice to see you!" note. I did thank people who had participated in the wedding in the postcard too, though.

If anyone is interested in doing this, I actually bought the postcards ahead of time from a web site for way cheaper than if I had bought them in Greece.

 

[turboflgrl]

Personally speaking, I think of it more as a thank you for coming to the wedding as opposed to thanking them solely for a gift. Opinions on the matter surely differ but I do intend to send a thank you card to all guests (it will have a "thank you" picture of us on it as well.) For those that give gifts, I intend to write an extra little note on it thanking them for their generosity.

 

[swingirl]

Since formally thanking your guests for attending your wedding is not customary, I think it would sound like a "hint" to those who have not sent you a gift. You probably already thanked everyone for coming in person so what is the point of saying it again? Of course, if you added it to a "thank you for the gift" card it would be totally acceptable but to send out a "thank you for coming---but where's the gift" card you might be sending the wrong message.

Once I sent a gift really late. The couple asked for Home Depot gift cards because they were remodeling. I ordered the card from a school fundraiser far in advance of the wedding. It didn't come, there was some problem with the program and it took almost 6 months to get the card. I would have been mortified if I got a card saying, "Thanks for attending my wedding" before I sent the gift card. I would have interpreted it as, "How was that chicken dinner? And where's the gift?"

 

[dragonfly411]

I don't see something wrong with sending a simple thank you for being there card, something along the lines of :

"We just wanted to thank you again for sharing our special day with us, we were so glad you attended" or something similar?

 

[slg47]

Here is what Miss Manners has to say about the issue-although I think you should do what you are most comfortable with.

Dear Miss Manners,
Please resolve an etiquette question between me and my fiancé. My fiancé and I are getting married soon. I have purchased some pretty thank you cards so that I can quickly send off thank you notes as soon as the gifts arrive.

Recently it occurred to me that perhaps it is necessary to write thank you notes for all our guests attending the wedding even if it he/she has not given us a gift. If not for his/her presence alone, would it be required to write a thank you note if the guest has traveled to attend our wedding?

I feel as though the presence of all of our guests is a gift, and therefore everyone in attendance should receive a thank you card whether they give us a gift or not. My fiancé believes this way of thinking is excessive. Is he right?

Gentle Reader,
In the midst of a thank you letter famine, Miss Manners is loathe to label any such attempt as excessive. But yes, your fiancé is right.

Hosts do not write to thank guests for their attendance, even though they may respond to their parting thanks with thanks. It is guests who must write letters of thanks to those who entertain them, although this is not necessary for ceremonial occasions.

Of late, Miss Manners has had a number of inquiries from brides who have suggested doing this as a way of prompting guests whom they deem remiss to send presents. While not accusing you of any such motives, she warns you that the suspicion will arise.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I think a thank you letter is out of place, but a sincere hand written letter telling someone it was nice to see them is never inappropriate. If you want to write letters to people, then do so. Just don't use a "thank you" card

 

[MagsyMay]

Errr okay, I think I messed up then!! I did send one TY to a good friend who came but did not give a gift, because I really did want to thank her for coming. I really don't think this person is the type to care about this type of stuff, but now I feel bad. Gahhh! I thought it was fine to thank all guests for coming and being a part of your day because I really did appreciate it! I mean, yeah we are (well my parents are) the "hosts" but attending a wedding these days everyone knows is an obligation one doesn't have to undertake for whatever reason and for people to take time from their busy lives to attend a wedding, to get dressed up, possibly travel or even just travel within the same city, and spend 4-5 hours in "honor" of us seems like it is worth thanking.

 

[MagsyMay]

Oooh, follow up question. Below we said it is appropriate to thank someone for being in your wedding (i.e. a reader in my case). What if this person did not give a gift. I already gave a little thank you gift to her that she would have received at the wedding (it was there) but they ended up leaving before we could do the exchange in the hustle [read: chaos] of getting all our items/gifts out of the venue at closing. We sent her flowers about a week after the wedding because she also doubled as DOC in getting things set up and seriously we couldn't have done it without her and we were SO thankful for her help.

She happend to not have given a gift, which is of course fine especially considering all she did for us. Is another TY note for her participation as well as DOC "services" warranted? Or will that seem like I'm fishing for a gift?

 

[sillyberry]

With a gift plus flowers it sounds like you have given her plenty of thanks for all her hard work!

 

[MagsyMay]

Thanks Sillyberry I think part of me just wants to send out the super cute TY notes I had my Etsy seller make to match my invitations AND show everyone my super duper cute custom new address stamper, haha!

 

[elrohwen]

I struggled with this too, because I didn't want to make it seem like I was pushing for a gift, but I also didn't want to exclude anyone from TY notes. In the end, I just sent the non-gift givers notes that said something along the lines of "Thank you for coming so far to attend our wedding. We had such a great time with you ... blah blah blah". I just didn't feel comfortable *not* sending a TY note to the two guests who didn't give us gifts, even if it would seem like I was trying to remind them. Plus, both are a bit clueless about this kind of stuff, so I figured if they forgot to give a gift, either they would be happy for the reminder, or would still be clueless when I sent the TY - either way, no harm. lol It worked in my case because I knew them so well.

Also, I had a honeymoon registry and one person sent us a gift and did not include their name. I don't know if it was purposefully an anonymous gift, or if it was accidental, but if one of those two friends had sent it I didn't want to exclude them from the TY notes in case they didn't realize they had sent the gift anonymously.

 

[zoebartlett]

I don't see something wrong with sending a simple thank you for being there card, something along the lines of :

"We just wanted to thank you again for sharing our special day with us, we were so glad you attended" or something similar?

This is what we did.

 

[UnderBlue]

Are you glad and thankful that people attended your wedding? Then send them a thank you note with a photo from the wedding.

That's similar to what we're doing. My own brothers and best friends didn't even get me a card, but I am sending them thank you notes for making the trip out here, helping with things during the weekend, etc.

It won't seem like you're fishing for a gift unless you make it sound that way. Don't just say "thanks for coming" make it specific and I think especially with a photo it is just a nice after gift, screw "proper etiquette." When is it ever rude to express appreciation?

 

[turboflgrl]

Are you glad and thankful that people attended your wedding? Then send them a thank you note with a photo from the wedding.

That's similar to what we're doing. My own brothers and best friends didn't even get me a card, but I am sending them thank you notes for making the trip out here, helping with things during the weekend, etc.

It won't seem like you're fishing for a gift unless you make it sound that way. Don't just say "thanks for coming" make it specific and I think especially with a photo it is just a nice after gift, screw "proper etiquette." When is it ever rude to express appreciation?

Exactly!!!