Tasteful way to ask my mother about her wedding set?

[GirlyGirl]

My parents divorced after 25 years of marriage. My mother put her wedding set in the safe. My father has since died. She is remarrying a terrific man. I would like to know what will happen to her old set. I know it is hers and she can throw it into the ocean if she wants to. But its from my dad. If she doesn't want to keep it, I want it. I don't want to wear it. I just want it safely kept.

I have a fantasy of this set being passed on to future generations. Both my parents have amazing life stories and can be told and retold with that set.

Any suggestions for how to bring this subject up to her? I asked about it 5 or so years ago and she gave me the hand. At least then, I knew she still had it. I don't want her to toss it into the world of recycled diamonds and melted gold.

 

[decodelighted]

My opinion is that it ain't yo' biz until someone else makes it yo' biz. She's made her choice: to keep silent about it's whereabouts & future. It's hers & hers alone. You can express your sentimentality towards it & make your wishes known but I'd urge you not to pester her about it or project any kind of entitlement about it being from *your* Dad etc.

 

[Lulie]

Oh dear, please respect her hint.

 

[kenny]

Quote, " If she doesn't want to keep it, I want it. I don't want to wear it. I just want it safely kept."

Yeah, I have mixed feeling on this one.
It's hers! Period!
If she wants it sold for scrap out of negative feelings towards her Ex, that's her business.

People putting "dibs" on their parent's possessions before they pass away strikes me as in very poor taste, IMHO.
Any discussions on who will get what after a death must be initiated by the owner of the posessions, if ever, and their wishes honored without argument or negotiations.
An exception would be to graciously decline something you are offered; I think that is okay.
They may wish to keep their wishes private till they are gone and their will is read.
This may prevent the old gal from having to witness fighting within the family.

But, you can mention (not in any way referring to her ring) how you love the sentimental and romantic idea of passing personal heirlooms down from generation to generation.
If the subject of her ring comes up you could suggest it goes to one of her grandchildren, that way nobody could see you to be in the least way greedy.

 

[asscherisme]

My opinion is that it ain't yo' biz until someone else makes it yo' biz. She's made her choice: to keep silent about it's whereabouts & future. It's hers & hers alone. You can express your sentimentality towards it & make your wishes known but I'd urge you not to pester her about it or project any kind of entitlement about it being from *your* Dad etc.

I totally agree. I would not bring it up.

 

[movie zombie]

another vote for not bringing it up.
allow your mother to enjoy her engagement and pending marriage.
any mention of your father and/or your wanting the set would be very inappropriate at this time.
5 years ago you initiated a discussion, she stopped it: it would be presumptious of you to initiate the conversation once again. while she is marrying a wonderful man, your pursuing this could open up old wounds for her. again, let her enjoy this time in her life.

i do understand not wanting to see something of value...emotionally and/or economically...pass out of the family; however, it is hers to do with as she pleases and if she wants to have it melted down to pay for something else, so be it.

 

[GirlyGirl]

It's hers! Period!
If she wants it sold for scrap out of negative feelings towards her Ex, that's her business.

People putting "dibs" on their parent's possessions before they pass away strikes me as in very poor taste, IMHO.

But, you can mention (not in any way referring to her ring) how you love the sentimental and romantic idea of passing personal heirlooms down from generation to generation.
If the subject of her ring comes up you could suggest it goes to one of her grandchildren, that way nobody could see you to be in the least way greedy.

I agree that it is hers and she had the right to crush it with a steamroller. I'd respect whatever decision she makes without any anger, resentment, or entitlement. It belongs to her.

I'm curious what she is open to. She had wanted to turn it into a pendant, but I'm sure that idea was shot down given her upcoming marriage. She really loves her husband to be. I like him a lot and am glad they found each other. I haven't seen her so happy since she divorced my dad. Would it be bad juju for her to keep an old ring? I don't know. I'd like to find out how she feels.

This will be the second and last time I bring it up. I'll probably use your idea about talking about heirlooms in general, not about her rings.

 

[asscherisme]

People can be weird about this stuff and I agree with others to not bring it up, especiallly now.

My parents divorced when I was 2 and when I was around 15 My mom found her wedding ring from my dad (she was remarried at this point) and she had no need or want for the ring so she gave it to me. I did not want it, it felt like bad luck to me but I just put it away. I mentioned to my father a year or two later I had the ring and he asked me if he could have it. I thought it was strange, but gave it to him. Did not question. He died 8 years ago and I have no idea what happened to that ring, nor do I care.

I would not bring it up to her in any way. If she ever wants to give it to you she will. I would let it rest. Its HER ring and if she wants to throw it down a sewer its her right to do it.

 

[VRBeauty]

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to go with the majority here... as much as it pains me personally to do so. It is your mother's ring to do with as she wishes, and she's already let you know she doesn't want the subject brought up. I hope she chooses to give it to you - maybe now that she's getting married she'll be ready to do so. But if she doesn't, I think you're just out of luck.

It pains me because my parents have let us know that except for one or two pieces, they want their small collection of heirloom gemstone jewelry (my paternal grandfather collected jewelry) liquidated upon their death with the proceeds split among us kids. That's their way of preventing any sort of disputes amongst us kids as to who gets what. One of the rings to be sold has a large natural light blue star sapphire. It's probably not that valuable for resale but it's beautiful to me because my mother wore it as her engagement ring until I was in college. That's when my grandmother visited us and gave my mother the diamond that had been in her engagement ring, and my mother finally got a "proper" engagement ring. I can't complain, because I know I'll end up with that diamond, but I still hate the thought of the sapphire and other rings my parents wore when I was younger passing out of the family.

ETA bringing up the subject under the guise of casually talking about heirlooms is likely to come across as a ploy and chances are your mother would not be happy about it. If you're going to bring it up, I'd suggest you just be straight-forward about it and ask if there's anything you could do or say that might persuade her to part with the ring.

 

[JewelFreak]

VRB, why couldn't you buy the star sapphire from the estate for the appraised value when the time comes? Many people do that.

GG, I'm going to disagree just a little with previous posters -- but it depends greatly on how close you are with your mother. I would definitely NOT bring it up right now. Be happy for her new joy & share that with her. Give her time to settle into her new marriage, to find contentment & fulfillment in that, and it's possible your dad's ring will seem irrelevant to her; when we're content in life, often old resentments lose their power. You may have to wait a few years -- and then not ask her to give it to you then, but simply say you hope she will keep it safe so it can be passed on to grandchildren -- in the context of other heirlooms if there are any. What you wrote about their life stories (I'd emphasize only hers in the conversation, not your father's) being told & re-told with the gift of the ring is terrific & warm -- tell her that. If it comes from your heart with warmth, you will express yourself just right. But give her time right now.

--- Laurie

 

[movie zombie]

[quote="GirlyGirl|1342590458|3235950.......This will be the second and last time I bring it up. I'll probably use your idea about talking about heirlooms in general, not about her rings.[/quote]


i think you're making a mistake. this is your mother's time to be happy. please don't screw it up. this is not about you. this is about your mother. think about it a bit. is your need really that much more important than seeing your mother happy?

and if you really can't restrain yourself, please wait a few more years. this is NOT the time to intrude upon our mother's inner emotional life. you could appear to be insensitive at best. even approaching it as being about heirlooms right now just seems tacky to me.

 

[VRBeauty]

JF - good point, I could. At that point I probably would have to toss a coin with my sibs to see who would get to buy it though!

which brings me to another point, Girlygirl, I don't think you mentioned whether your mother has any other children or grandchildren, or whether your future step-father does. That's the only thing that had me hesitating with my original response. If you have siblings any - unless there's a very clear case to be made that you are the only possible keeper of the legend that can be trusted - I'd stay silent. Any mention of the ring would make it look like you're trying to ace your siblings out.

If your future step-father has children, it's a different story and under those circumstances I might bring it up to her - again some ways down the road.

As to how I would bring it up... down the road... I'd consider something like "Mom, I know your marriage to my dad has bad memories for you, but to me - it was my childhood and has many good memories. If you don't have other plans for it, I'd really like to have your ring wedding as it is a part of that memory. Is there any chance that I could persuade you to part with it and sell it to me?"

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Okay, I am a mother of a 26 year old daughter and a 16 year old daughter, and I would absolutely want them to come to me with ANYTHING that is on their minds! There might be something they ask about that I'd have to respond with "none of your business" but that is a rare occurence! I have never been divorced, but if my adult daughter came to me with that question, I would have one of two replies:

1) I am sorry but I want to (or already did) sell/trade it in for a different piece of jewelry for myself.

2) Sure, since it has sentimental meaning to you, I would be glad to give it to you.

Five years have passed and hopefully those emotions have calmed a little. I just think in a loving relationship a daughter should be free to ask her mother this question. I hope I could be a mother than would answer with #2.

It goes without saying, be sensitive of the timing of the conversation...like not while she is busy with work and wedding planning, if they are even having one.

 

[iheartscience]

Okay, I am a mother of a 26 year old daughter and a 16 year old daughter, and I would absolutely want them to come to me with ANYTHING that is on their minds! There might be something they ask about that I'd have to respond with "none of your business" but that is a rare occurence! I have never been divorced, but if my adult daughter came to me with that question, I would have one of two replies:

1) I am sorry but I want to (or already did) sell/trade it in for a different piece of jewelry for myself.

2) Sure, since it has sentimental meaning to you, I would be glad to give it to you.

Five years have passed and hopefully those emotions have calmed a little. I just think in a loving relationship a daughter should be free to ask her mother this question. I hope I could be a mother than would answer with #2.

It goes without saying, be sensitive of the timing of the conversation...like not while she is busy with work and wedding planning, if they are even having one.

Not a mom, but as a daughter I agree with this.

 

[lyra]

I agree with DS and Thing also. I have daughters in their 20's and they can ask me absolutely anything. They may not like my response, but nothing is off limits. You can ask her again, but be prepared for the same answer as last time.

 

[lovebug1031]

Okay, I am a mother of a 26 year old daughter and a 16 year old daughter, and I would absolutely want them to come to me with ANYTHING that is on their minds! There might be something they ask about that I'd have to respond with "none of your business" but that is a rare occurence! I have never been divorced, but if my adult daughter came to me with that question, I would have one of two replies:

1) I am sorry but I want to (or already did) sell/trade it in for a different piece of jewelry for myself.

2) Sure, since it has sentimental meaning to you, I would be glad to give it to you.

Five years have passed and hopefully those emotions have calmed a little. I just think in a loving relationship a daughter should be free to ask her mother this question. I hope I could be a mother than would answer with #2.

It goes without saying, be sensitive of the timing of the conversation...like not while she is busy with work and wedding planning, if they are even having one.

Not a mom, but as a daughter I agree with this.

Me three...my dad passed 4 years ago, if I knew my mom had an engagement ring from him still I'd ask for it! She hated that man after they divorced, but it doesn't change the fact he's MY DAD and TOGETHER they brought me into the world.

 

[Haven]

I think ideally it should be as DSeeker describes, that a daughter should be able to ask her mother anything. I hope I'm that kind of mother when my own children are grown.

However, as the adult child of parents who divorced four years ago, I have to say that some mothers aren't *quite* the same after divorcing--some of them go through a long period of needing to focus on themselves and they aren't emotionally capable of setting aside their own feelings and thinking like a mom in situations like this. I think this is totally understandable, as it's a healing period. Ideal? Maybe not. But understandable.

I think the "right" approach depends entirely on the individuals involved. I know if this were my mom, I would wait until her wedding was over, she was back from the honeymoon, I had clearly shown her that I support her new marriage and her new husband, and THEN maybe, if the time was right, I'd ask about the old wedding set.

 

[swingirl]

Just a thought...my friend's mother destroyed all her wedding photos (probably rings, too) when she got divorced. Years later she told my friend she greatly regretted it. At the time she didn't realize that although she was done with this man and her marriage, it still was the union that created her children and this man was her children's father no matter what. My friend's mother realized that her children and grandchildren would never have any mementos of that part of their life.

So maybe after things settle with you mother's wedding you could bring up how your parents' marriage created you and the ring has meaning to you for that reason. You don't need to ask her for it, just let her know your interest in an heirloom.

 

[Efe]

Honestly, since you two have discussed it once already, I don't think there is any tasteful way to bring it up again. She may well have made a provision in her will for the wedding set and doesn't wish to reveal her decision. If she wants to talk about it in the future, she will bring it up. I certainly understand the sentimentality of the set. If it was meant to come to you, it will.

 

[kenny]

A few posters have expressed chagrin about a piece being sold off and leaving the family.

May I suggest the possibility of offering to be the buyer?
If the reason for the sale is so proceeds could be equally distributed, and you can afford it, do this . . .

If today's appraised value is $5,000 and there are 5 heirs, you could offer to pay the owner $4,000 to be distributed to the other four heirs.
Of course you would forgo receiving your $1,000.

The result is the same to the heirs or the owner, and you got the heirloom you desired.

Is this tacky?
I don't think so.
I think this is a practical and sensible win win, if you have the funds and want the item enough.
You got the piece for $20% off and kept it in the family.

Girlygirl, after mom is happily married and situated, could you offer to buy the wedding set?

 

[LJL]

If she already said no..... then I guess she might not want you to have it

However, I will personally say that I asked my mother for hers (she has been divorced for ~10 years, and been engaged to another man for the last 3) and she gave it to me no problem. She seemingly has very little sentimentality toward it - but my sister and I want it so that we can put it in a pendant (which i have yet to do...oops!). She had it sitting in a box somewhere and just didnt know what to do with it. Maybe your mother has bad feelings about the set so she doesnt want to pass on the bad feelings - passing the ring down might mean passing down a failed marriage or something? I don't really understand necessarily why she didn't give it to you if shes done with it, but ultimately its her ring and her business why.

Sowwy

 

[GirlyGirl]

I haven't asked her yet. I'm getting married this week, which is why it is on my mind.

I have been planning to ask her about her veil. I would be surprised if she still has it, but just in case, I need a veil. She offered me her wedding dress for the material to make my prom dress. (I used to sew all my clothes.) My parents were married at the time and her actions seemed to say, "I keep nothing sentimental."

If I know my mother, her set is still in a safe. I bet she wants to turn it into a pendant or a RHR cuz that rock is, like, 3cts and she does love her rocks. But I think she is not going to do anything with it out of respect for her husband-to-be, who is not as wealthy as my father was. That is, if she still has it. His sister, his daughter, and his grandchildren live with them. My mom ... doesn't seems to trust them, and that worries me.

Again, my mom loves her blingies and wears them everywhere. She's a teacher and will wear a 4-5 ct sapphire diamond melee halo pendant to work. Oh, yes she does. Crazy? Yes. But it makes her happy. Has any of her jewelry been stolen from work? Definitely. But it is her life. Her life of uninsured jewelry and oh yes that drives me nuts.

Back on track, I just want to know what's become of her wedding set and if it still exists I'd like to know if she is keeping it safe.