Talk to me about suicide ...

[Circe]

C is out of the hospital now, but insisting "it all just got a bit much but everything is fine now". What do I say to her to make her realise she NEEDS to talk with the professional counsellor?

I'd keep gently emphasizing that if things are as variable as that - fine one minute, not fine the next - she should at the very least talk to a trained professional to figure out some healthy coping mechanisms, should the same circumstances arise again.

Here are the most common objections I've heard from people who don't want to go to therapy, for assessment or treatment:

1) I don't want it on my record - insurance, medical, or, in the case of situations with custody disputes, legal.

2) I can't afford it.

In the case of the former: better to have it on a record than on a headstone. I'm not sure if she realizes how lucky she is she got to a hospital in time, or if she's seriously considered what it would do to her kids to be orphaned. Depression, suicidal tendencies, and denial, can work in conjunction weirdly sometimes.

In the case of the latter, I'd normally suggest volunteering to chip in, but if the original fight with her dad was over money, that might not be an option. There are some wonderful free or reduced services out there: if you're in NYC or Philly, I can make some suggestions, but wherever you are, there should be some options.

Of course, what both of these objections really mean is "I don't want to go." Commonly, that's because acknowledging how serious things are is damned scary, and because a depressed person generally genuinely cannot imagine not being depressed: the prospect of being "cured" seems laughable. At best, a lot of people will say it's their circumstances, and if they can just get X under control, everything will be fine.

So, me? I'd keep pushing the fact that it just doesn't have to be this hard: that, no, most people do not get so brim-ful of rage and despair and grief that the only way they can think to vent it is to hurt themselves or to try to make themselves insensible; and that a good trained professional will be able to help them not feel like this. Say it as often as it needs to be said. It took my loved ones, oh, five years or so to convince me.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I just wanted to pop in and send you some hugs...how awful and sad and complicated life can be sometimes .

A few weeks ago my husband's friend killed himself. It wasn't pills, he set himself on fire in his car down the street from his home. His life was in shambles to some degree, big transitions probably contributed to his death, but no one can really say for sure what the final catalyst was. It's a horrible, tragic thing for the people who loved and respected him...and there were absolutely no answers to help anyone understand the why, which was--by miles--is hardest part.

But, I agree with the others...professional help needs to be priority number one.

One of their mutual friends spoke to the man who killed himself on the phone only hours before he took his life--to this day, he says the man sounded "normal"...excited about their upcoming hockey season, looking forward to "guys weekend"...whatever it was that was hurting him, he hid. You're in a place that is good...her cry for help was a warning--something many people don't have the opportunity to hear or recognize before it's too late. I know she is an adult, but adult sometimes need direction too. I would suggest finding and outreach program, like the one's you've been directed to and a local therapist who will see you ALL and her individually.

So sorry.

 

[lyra]

C is out of the hospital now, but insisting "it all just got a bit much but everything is fine now". What do I say to her to make her realise she NEEDS to talk with the professional counsellor?

This quote actually makes sense. She was taken out of her stressful environment for a period of time, and had a chance to have no responsibilities for a while. It's only natural that it would be a relief for the time being at least.

I don't think you personally can do much for her. Are her kids looked after though? What she should do and what she is willing to do for herself may be quite far apart right now. Definitely don't all gang up on her. Maybe designate one family member to talk to her and everyone else to just listen. Know what I mean? It has to come from her, the willingness to try therapy, or it won't work anyway. I hope she chooses to get treatment. It may all sound outrageous to you, her ideas, but her perception of life is different because of her mental illness that is not being treated. She has a reality of her own, and it's hard to convince her that she's not seeing straight when her mind is seeing things only one way. Take care.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

If you think she is still a threat to herself then you can involuntarily commit her. Every state has different laws regarding this. Like I said before risk for suicide goes dramatically up after a previous attempt. The stigma is gone. Sounds like she is in a lot of pain and doesn't know how to cope with life right now. Be there for her and encourage her to get help.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

C is out of the hospital now, but insisting "it all just got a bit much but everything is fine now". What do I say to her to make her realise she NEEDS to talk with the professional counsellor?

This quote actually makes sense. She was taken out of her stressful environment for a period of time, and had a chance to have no responsibilities for a while. It's only natural that it would be a relief for the time being at least.

I don't think you personally can do much for her. Are her kids looked after though? What she should do and what she is willing to do for herself may be quite far apart right now. Definitely don't all gang up on her. Maybe designate one family member to talk to her and everyone else to just listen. Know what I mean? It has to come from her, the willingness to try therapy, or it won't work anyway. I hope she chooses to get treatment. It may all sound outrageous to you, her ideas, but her perception of life is different because of her mental illness that is not being treated. She has a reality of her own, and it's hard to convince her that she's not seeing straight when her mind is seeing things only one way. Take care.

It was posted that the dad is taking care of the kids. I just wanted to mention that now that a suicide attempt has come up, there may be CPS/child services type-agencies getting involved. This is what happened with the person I know. It can make things worse for the parent who already feels down on herself.

 

[House Cat]

I've attempted twice. The first time, I was 12 and didn't know the gravity of what I was doing. I just thought that was what people did when they hurt too much. The second time, I was 18 and I almost died.

I've been hospitalized twice too. Each time, it was after I had been released from the hospital that I was was most vulnerable...most raw. It was as if my gushing wound had stopped bleeding, but it could be torn open at any moment by the smallest trigger. I needed love, protection, caring, family, community, help.

Both times, I walked out of the hospital, my meds weren't dialed in. So don't count on that for her. She needs ongoing care. I do hope they have her in a partial program/day hospitalization program.


I do agree with Kenny though, with all that he said. She has to want to help herself. She can blame her dad, and maybe dad has something to do with her pain, but that pain is hers now. She has to work on it herself. Dad can't fix it for her. Hopefully she learns that...for her children's sake.


Wishing you the best. Do take care of yourselves. The emotions of suicide and attempts are so heartbreaking. There are no words to fully describe what each member goes through when this happens.

 

[MAC-W]

Susimoo, SomethingShiny, MC, Circe, ItaliaHairColor, Lyra, Tacori Ering & HouseCat, thank you so much for your replies and insights. I'm sorry I've taken so long to reply but I've been processing what you've said plus I've been away on Business.

C is still refusing to talk with a therapist but has promised to call tomorrow - she is in London which makes it doubly difficult for her dad & I. We did say we would fly over but were told that given how she feels (felt?) about her dad it might cause more harm than good so we've backed off on that idea and just sent over messages of love and support.

Please cross all fingers toes and other body parts and send some dust that the conversation tomorrow goes well. I'm hopeful it will as C was the one that said she wanted to phone and talk, so I'm taking it as a good sign she is trying to re-establishing contact with her dad and hoping the fact she is committing to a time to talk rather than just acting on impulse of phoning is a sign of a more 'deliberate' thought process on her part. Not sure I've explained that well but C has always had low impulse control and normally just phones whenever she wants regardless of time differences and says the first things that pop into her mind, so this more planned approach might be a good sign? and we're definately going to push the therapy aspect with her.

I've had 2 sessions with a therapist here in Perth, which I thought might be helpful in assisting me to understand what C might be thinking, but to be honest the therapist basically said what you wise peeps on PS have been saying, so any more advice is much appreciated. (and given some of you have actually been though similar to what C seems to be going through, I think I trust you more for the practical vs theoretical if you know what I mean).

Mac