Surprise Pregnancy WWYD?

[Anon1234]

I am a semi regular poster, but have created an alias in order to maintain some privacy. About a week ago I found out that I am pregnant. I was on birth control, but obviously it failed. We are really struggling with whether we should keep this baby or not. I am married, but we are just starting out and have a very small, one bedroom condo that we are underwater on, so pretty much stuck here until the market turns. We have very little in savings ( 3 months expenses or so) that we were hoping to build upon in 2011. It is also very bad timing professionally. I also had a full set of dental X-Rays a few days before we found out.

If those were the only issues, I probably wouldn't even be writing this, however we are grappling with something else. My husband has a fairly serious genetic condition which causes an enlarged aorta and separation of the layers of the aorta, which can cause it to tear - usually resulting in death. It also causes enlarged heart valves that can/will need to be replaced at some point, severe nearsightedness, dislocated lenses in the eye, retinal detachment, which if not caught in time can lead to blindness. My husband grew up not being able to participate in sports, struggling mightily in school because of his very poor vision, and not being able to lift objects greater than 20 lbs. He also just lost his father to an aortic dissection at the age of 58. Overall, my husband feels like he has not been able to lead a life that he would have wanted and has always said that he doesn't want his children to have to struggle the way he has and we have always planned to do IVF with pre-implantation genetic diagnosis to ensure that we would have a child without this syndrome. What would you do?

 

[Porridge]

This is a tough situation Anon. Nobody here can tell you what to do, you know that. But it's good to discuss these things.

Take a deep breath. You have time. This is a big decision, but you don't have to decide right now.

Are there tests to tell whether your husbands condition has been passed on to this baby?
Have you two talked about having children? Did you have a general timeline or any plans?
Babies are expensive and time-consuming, sure. But people have them all the time and do just fine. It doesn't mean financial ruin and the the end of career progression. But it will have a serious impact, of course it will. Sit down with your husband and discuss this logically. With planning, the financial and professional impact of having a baby can be managed.

Talk it over, think about it, go to your doctor, bring your husband, talk to him, talk to us, talk to your parents and friends. And then ignore everything we say and do what you and your husband feel is right.

 

[megumic]

This is a tough position to be in, but with everything, life doesn't give us more than we can handle.

Throw reason to the wind and go with your gut. You can rationalize everything, but at the end of the day, go with your gut.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I want to give you a big virtual hug. I am sure you're feeling frightened, overwhelmed, underprepared and a bit thrown. Life has such a way of doing that to us when we just don't need it. You're not alone, and by far not the first to find yourself in this position.

I guess my first move (after I picked myself up off the floor) would be to go to the doctor. For your sake, your husband and the babies, get a professionals take on all of this and then make an informed decision based off that and what you know, in your personal life, to be true. There is probably nothing more taxing than having a baby you can't afford that may be born with complications...so weighing it all out, you need to really decide what you can handle and what you can't. There is NO shame in saying "this is beyond me." Maybe a doctor can do amniotic tests or something now to firm up or relieve your fears. I would suggest finding a OBGYN that specializing in "high risk" pregnancies, they will be more versed and better equipped to point you in the right direction.

I'm not a mother, so take this all with a grain of salt...but I think, universally, parents are charged with the tough decision of doing whats best for their child--before and after birth. I can't say what I would do in your situation but I hope you do what is best you as a whole.

((big hugs))

 

[Tuckins1]

Honey, no one can tell you what YOU should do. You know your life circumstances. You have choices. You can have an abortion. If that thought scares the daylights out of you, there is always adoption. You can keep it yourself. It has to be what's right for you. I can't speak for others, but I would never judge someone else's decision on such a matter. Whatever you choose will be what's right for you. Best of luck to you. Here's a great big supportive (((HUG))) for you!

 

[fieryred33143]

First, huge hugs to you

Having had a surprise pregnancy myself, what I can tell you is that while there are better financial positions to be in and better places in your career path, introducing a child doesn't have to be a huge detriment to your finances. We weren't prepared but were responsible enough to know that our lifestyles were going to have to change which included cutting back on certain expenses. And there are ways of spending smartly as far as baby gear and things go (getting the $80 stroller vs the $500 stroller, etc). I know I'm over simplifying things but I'm just giving my honest opinion on babies and money from our experience.

As for the bigger issue at hand, I know that there are tests you can take while pregnant to determine if there are any diseases and you can take them early enough in the pregnancy to make an informed decision. I don't know if any of the exams will detect what you described but I'm sure your OB can talk them through with you.

I feel for you. I've kept up with stories of women who have gone through pregnancies not knowing whether there is a genetic condition or knowing there is but waiting to see what happens with the baby. It has not been easy in any case. I think any decision you make will be the right one because it sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders.

I agree to go with your gut. ((Hugs))

 

[MonkeyPie]

Amniocentesis is usually performed between 14 and 20 weeks. Some medical facilities may perform amniocentesis as early as 11 weeks. I'm not sure how far along you are, but the time to make a decision is now. FWIW, I do believe that if the baby was healthy and you have insurance, then you can do it if you truly want this child and are willing to sacrifice. I had Micah when we were at our most dire financially, and it was terrible to think about, but we have done just fine. That isn't to say it was easy - it's hard! - but it is an option.

If you haven't already, make an appointment with a high-risk clinic in your area. They will understand the situation and let you know your odds and what your options are. If your DH's heart problem 100% genetically passed down? Is it more likely to happen to a certain gender? All those are things you can find out, if you don't already know.

Gah, my post is all over the place. I have no answers - only you and your DH do. I'll be thinking of you.

 

[drk]

I think I'd probably go see a genetic counsellor to find out about whether PGD can be used to be sure your DH doesn't pass on his disease to your children. If he doesn't have a mutation that they can test for, PGD wouldn't be useful. I'd also want to find out if it could be tested for by CVS or amnio in this pregnancy so that you could abort later on if the fetus is affected.
IVF and PGD aren't cheap or physically very pleasant, so you may want to put that into the equation too. Will you be able to afford them to have children at a better time for you?

Sorry you're struggling with this. Whatever feels right to your gut is probably what you should do. Babies, though wonderful, are a lot of work, and change your lifestyle dramatically.

 

[swingirl]

Consider all your options including terminating this pregnancy. You haven't said how far along you are but timing is very important if you take that route. People raise kids in tiny spaces, with used furniture and hand-me-downs. So it's doable. But passing down a genetic condition is another issue. No advice here. It's a tough decision to make. You just have to do what you can live with. Best of luck.

 

[Anon1234]

Thank you everyone for the replies. The gene mutation that causes his problems can be identified in an amnio, but DH has not yet had the bloodwork to ID there is only one lab (that our geneticist knows of) that performs the test. The turnaround is 4+ weeks for his bloodwork. I am not sure when the earliest an amnio can be done, but dr. google says the earliest is 10 weeks. The fluid then would need to be sent to the same lab, with the same turnaround time, which would put us, best case scenario at 14 weeks. We both believe that at that point we would both be uncomfortable terminating. I guess I know what the best answer is for us but, never in a million years did I expect to find myself in this situation.

 

[mayachel]

Anon, I wish you lots of light as you go through this stressful period. Should you choose not to terminate, it is worth speaking with the genetics counselor anyway with regards to doing the testing. Sometimes people have a tendency to think of amnios in black and white in terms of "we don't plan to terminate so what's the point". While the risks/benefits is hardly the same for everyone, sometimes knowing what you are working with can help you mentally and logistically prepare for what it is ahead, both during the pregnancy and years of raising a child with a medical issue ahead.

 

[Anon1234]

Amniocentesis is usually performed between 14 and 20 weeks. Some medical facilities may perform amniocentesis as early as 11 weeks. I'm not sure how far along you are, but the time to make a decision is now. FWIW, I do believe that if the baby was healthy and you have insurance, then you can do it if you truly want this child and are willing to sacrifice. I had Micah when we were at our most dire financially, and it was terrible to think about, but we have done just fine. That isn't to say it was easy - it's hard! - but it is an option.

If you haven't already, make an appointment with a high-risk clinic in your area. They will understand the situation and let you know your odds and what your options are. If your DH's heart problem 100% genetically passed down? Is it more likely to happen to a certain gender? All those are things you can find out, if you don't already know.

Gah, my post is all over the place. I have no answers - only you and your DH do. I'll be thinking of you.

I agree with you, if it were just because of money/space, I think it would be a non-decision, it is the medical/quality of life issue that complicates it. Because it is caused by a genetic mutation of a gene that DH has, the baby would have a 50/50 chance of having the same problems.

 

[fieryred33143]

Is there any way of expediting the test results?

 

[somethingshiny]

I conceived while I was on the pill and then miscarried. I was devastated. The loss of a child planned or unplanned is a very serious thing. It'll take some soul searching of your own if that's something you want to deal with.

Also, my daughter, who was also unplanned but wanted very much, was born with a heart condition. Blessedly she is very healthy otherwise and her condition is currently controlled by medications. While it is something she'll have to deal with in some form her whole life. We hope she'll be able to come off of her medication soon and her body will respond appropriately to the condition. It was absolutely devastating to us at first. I didn't think I could handle it and went into a severe depression. A few weeks and some Zoloft later and I couldn't have been more happy. My beautiful daughter is 6 months old and no matter what her medical condition, she is a great blessing to us all and I can't imagine life without her.

I'm sorry you're facing this difficult decision. I hope you're able to have peace with whatever you choose.


eta~ While I was pregnant I found out my daughter had some heart issues. Terminating was never something we even thought of. Personally, it just wouldn't cross my mind.

 

[ljmorgan]

Since this was posed as a WWYD question, I would embrace your new pregnancy. If i knew that I wanted to have children at some point with my husband, I would not terminate a pregnancy because it didn't feel like ideal timing. The genetic issue is a larger looming issue. If I felt that I wanted to terminate a child with that condition, I would request the amnio and make a decision when the results come in. Again since this is a WWYD I would not terminate a child on "what ifs", I would wait for the results. Terminating later might be harder on You mentally, but it does not end the life of a child who is potentially perfectly healthy.

 

[princesss]

*hug*

No idea what I'd do, so all I can offer are hugs and support. (For the record, both of those are plentiful.)

*hug*

 

[MonkeyPie]

Is there any way of expediting the test results?

Considering your situation, there should be a way to do this. I can't imagine why it would take 4 weeks, that just seems excessive.

 

[Pandora II]

To exactly answer your question: WWYD

I would opt for a termination. I personally would not want to bring a child with those potential problems into my life at a time where I couldn't offer them the kind of life I want to offer my child. What would happen if I had to give up work to care long-term for a sick child? Could we live off one income?

CVS can be done at 11 weeks, so allowing 4 weeks turn-around - and hoping that the sample taken is valid - if you then chose to terminate it will not be an easy surgical procedure but you would have to go through labour.

I got pregnant at 21 and booked a termination - I then miscarried the day after it was booked. I have never felt as relieved as I did that day.

My youngest sister found out she was pregnant in October - only she was SEVEN months pregnant not the 12 weeks max that her GP thought. She wanted a termination with no doubts whatsoever. Her son was born 2 weeks ago - she obviously likes him now he's here, but I watched her cry pretty much everyday over how much she didn't want to be in her situation. She's now living with my parents and wondering what she's going to do to try and support herself and the baby. The great relief was that the baby was healthy as she was on some seriously bad to be pregnant on meds.

Whatever you decide will be right for you and both choices have pros and cons. I will say that I know many, many people who have had terminations (at least 50) and to date I don't know anyone who had had regrets or felt guilty. I'm sure some people do, but it isn't a given.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Tons of hugs and support to you, Anon. I wish you peace and comfort no matter what you decide. I'm sure you and your DH will do what's right for your family, whatever it may be.

I had a 'surprise' and did not continue and still frequently reflect on that choice. We want kids eventually and I still have some regrets.... It's hard to feel fully confident in such situations. Personally, I know of no one who carried through with a "surprise" that regrets it (though I'm sure such people exist). Even so, I couldn't continue on. I kept thinking, "I didn't want this to happen. Just because my body 'made' this does not mean I have to nourish and parent it." This isn't a popular opinion and is certainly not right for everyone. And as I said, there are days I second guess the choice. Overall, however, I'm happy and my marriage is still great. I'm looking forward to starting a family on my own terms.

 

[soocool]

My DD is 18 yearsold and a few years ago a doctor suggested she see a pediatric cardiologist because DD has a slightly sunken chest. It was this pediatric cardiologist who when he looked at DD suspected a MARFANS related disorder called MASS Phenotype. According to her cardio there is no definitive way of knowing whether or not she has this disorder, but she has an echocardiogram and EKG every 2 years to monitor her heart (aorta and valves). There is no one in my or DH's family who has ever had this disorder. I even saw a genetic counselor before I became pregnant because I was over 35 years old at the time and wanted to make sure that everything would be ok.

DD leads a very normal life, but we are somewhat cautious about the sports in which she participates (she played soccer many years without any problems, but the doctor thought it would be a good idea to quit ).

So what I am saying is you never know even through genetic tests, etc. if there is ever going to be a problem. But if you know with a certain amount of accuracy that your child has the gene for your DH's condition (I assume that it is a connective tissue disorder) that is something that you can discuss now with a genetic counselor who speccializes in the disorder.

 

[charbie]

Oh, Anon, my heart goes out for you. While I can't know for sure how id react if I were in your shoes, here are some thoughts that come to my mind. Im not meaning for you to respond to these questions...just thinking "out loud" of questions id answer for myself.
How far in the future were you and your husband thinking of taking the steps to conceive through IVF? I ask because depending on your age and when you felt you would be able to have children through IVF...is that a feasible goal for yout timeline? You mentioned finances are tight...and that can be oh so expensive to go through as im sure you're aware. Its just one thing that came to mind. I don't know if my husband and I could afford IVF even without pre-selection without saving for a LONG time.

Im also victim to the failing housing market, and know that the chances of things turning around where you could sell a home and break even can be a number of years off still...depending on your area. How far in the future were you looking to sell your condo?

Does your husband not want to take the risk for having a child with the syndrome bc he would feel guilty for bringing them into this world with the mutation? Have you ever talked with his parents their thoughts and what went through their heads before having children? How did they do it?

Personally, it would come down to a matter of age for me. If I knew there was a small chance my husband and I were going to be able be in the position to selectively procreate, I would embrace the pregnancy, prepare for the future, and get to a doctor to discuss their professional opinion. I think once the shock wears off and you have made your decision, if you DO decide to proceed, instinct will take over and you'll discover exactly what it will take to welcome this baby with open arms. If you terminate, you'll be more driven to get into the postion necessary to bring a baby into the world under your terms.

 

[Blenheim]

Have you been able to speak with a genetics counselor to determine the chance that your baby would have this disease? Since you have discussed wanting children at some point, I'm inclined to agree with Lindsey as far as the WWYD that you posed. There are things about your situation that are less than ideal, that people still deal with all the time and get through. Especially in larger cities, families often deal with just one bedroom. We did for almost a year. A lot of couples start a family before they have 6 or 8 months in savings, or whatever goal you're aiming towards, and it usually works out okay. The genetics issue is the much bigger issue, and if I knew that I wanted kids, I would probably just wait until I had full info about this pregnancy if there was a decent chance that the baby would not have the disease, and then I would make a decision armed with all of the info possible.

I say that, but... A fetus is so much more baby-like at 14 weeks than at, say, 6 weeks. I know that it's the same genetic material and potential, but when it begins to look and act more like a baby and less like a gummy bear, it's harder for me at least to think of terminating. And that's a lot more time to get emotionally invested in the pregnancy, and to hope and to dream. Plus some women are showing at 14 weeks, and so you may be in a situation where all of your friends and coworkers know that you're pregnant. Is that something that you'd be able to handle, if it came down to it? (I don't know that I could, honestly.) Or would it be better for you to just go ahead and terminate earlier, and then try again later on your own terms? That's something that only you and your husband can answer, and I really don't think that there's a right or wrong answer here, just the one that's best for you.

Best of luck in whatever you decide.

 

[heb1976]

Oh Anon, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. A surprise pregnancy without the possible health condition is shocking enough. I found out I was pregnant 3 days before my wedding 12 years ago and my being shocked and overwhelmed would be an understatement. We were young, just starting out and without health insurance. It was hard but I wouldn't change one thing. Twelve years later and I wouldn't trade my 11 year old for anything. Some things are just meant to be.

As for the possible health problem, your husband has it. You love him and married him. You have a life together that is meaningful. Even with his condition. Even if not ideal he has happiness and quality in his life. Life does not always work out the way we plan but it has a way of working out the way it should. I pray for you to have strength, wisdom and peace during this difficult time. My heart goes out to you! Lots of hugs!

 

[cara]

Wow, the technology on genotyping in the academic world is changing so rapidly, it is a shame it hasn't quite trickled down to things like this yet. You can get your entire genome sequenced for something like $10,000 and in a month-like timeframe now, yet still in might take a month to get results back from a single-gene test.

The WWYD aspect of this is so hard because we each bring to the decision our own current emotional and practical readiness for bearing/raising a child and it is hard to really leave that behind and make a decision from your shoes only.

I personally would keep the pregnancy but I have a 4 mo old and am basking in baby-raising hormones! Oooh, yes says my heart, have a baby!

OK back to trying to sit in your shoes. With your situation I would be concerned about logistics both financial and emotional. On the financial front, sit down and figure out if you can afford at least the first few years of babyhood. Who will take care of the baby? Can you afford daycare, etc., and still break even? The one-bedroom apt is not that big of a deal initially as babies don't need a ton of space, but the long view is more of an issue. Do you have a plan for getting out of underwater with this place? Or for affording a bigger place at some point? Even bankruptcy might be a path out, if it is well-thought through and researched. Then the emotional issues: I think your husband needs to think through his own childhood experience and come to terms with bearing and raising a child that might be afflicted with his condition. This is one of the biggies, because if he is still harboring regrets and conflicts with his own condition it will be that much harder on him if your child has this condition. Of course you too need to research the condition and decide if continuing the pregnancy with this possible medical complication for your child is a choice *you* are comfortable with. If these barriers seem insurmountable or too too large, that might push you towards a decision.

On getting your fetus genotyped, I think CVS can be done at 10-11 weeks. Given your ambivalence, I personally would do it and send off the results for testing regardless of whether or not it would affect the termination decision. You might also consult another doctor (or two or three!) as it is possible that if you get to an expert in the field they may be able to conduct a test through a different pathway than the commercial lab or to lean on the commercial lab to expedite the results if it would affect your decision on carrying to term. Most women are showing somewhat by 14-15 weeks, and off course termination at that point is not so simple (for both emotional and physical reasons) but you would at least know what you are dealing with for the rest of the pregnancy even if you choose to continue. And frankly if you want children and yet have financial constraints at this time, PGD + IVF is really expensive. While this route might not be the route anyone would want to choose or advice (get pregnant, then screen for genetic condition) you are already pregnant.

Best of luck.

 

[Mara]

I would try to get whatever data you can right away and also opt for an amnio. An amnio instead of a CVS because the information you receive is more accurate because they take fluid from the sac the baby is in vs the placenta (CVS)... the placenta tissue is formed around 8 weeks and apparently things can change from then on so the sac fluid is most accurate. If you are really considering termination, I would want the most up to date information, so I'd get an amnio. You will have to wait ~3 weeks longer to get the amnio vs CVS, but to me the extra bit of accuracy in a situation like this would be important.

Also you can get genetic counseling done fairly early on. I am a very diagnostic person so I would (and did) want allll bits of information.

Though as others have said, amnio is done starting at 14 weeks and results can be 1-3 weeks depending on your hospital/clinic, so at that point you may get back data that is not favorable at 17 weeks...and the baby is much more formed. You might be a lot more attached to the baby/pregnancy at that point and it may be harder mentally to terminate.

Whatever you decide, best wishes...it's a difficult decision and position to be in, but I would want as much data as possible to make a truly informed and educated decision rather than guessing.

 

[sunkist]

Hi Anon,

I am just wondering, are you sure your husband would want to abort because of his disease? You just said that he "wouldn't want his children to suffer." But NO parent wants their children to suffer. It just seems that if a man REALLY, REALLY didn't want any offspring from his own genes, then he would get some more permanent birth control, aka. vasectomy. But since your husband has not (I'm assuming here) perhaps he still does want his own offspring and just HOPES that they do not also suffer.

ETA: Sorry, your word was "struggle" not "suffer". Still, same thing.

 

[Skippy123]

I would try to get whatever data you can right away and also opt for an amnio. An amnio instead of a CVS because the information you receive is more accurate because they take fluid from the sac the baby is in vs the placenta (CVS)... the placenta tissue is formed around 8 weeks and apparently things can change from then on so the sac fluid is most accurate. If you are really considering termination, I would want the most up to date information, so I'd get an amnio. You will have to wait ~3 weeks longer to get the amnio vs CVS, but to me the extra bit of accuracy in a situation like this would be important.

Also you can get genetic counseling done fairly early on. I am a very diagnostic person so I would (and did) want allll bits of information.

Though as others have said, amnio is done starting at 14 weeks and results can be 1-3 weeks depending on your hospital/clinic, so at that point you may get back data that is not favorable at 17 weeks...and the baby is much more formed. You might be a lot more attached to the baby/pregnancy at that point and it may be harder mentally to terminate.

Whatever you decide, best wishes...it's a difficult decision and position to be in, but I would want as much data as possible to make a truly informed and educated decision rather than guessing.

Ditto and kind of think like Lindsay but would want all the info I could get. This will give you your best decision. sending you a hug

 

[phoenixgirl]

I agree with Lindsey. I personally would not terminate because of timing or finances. The recommendation is to keep the baby in your room at night for the first 4 to 6 months, so that gives you over a year to figure out the condo thing, and lots of people around the world have a child in a one bedroom beyond that. I know several people who are renting out places they can't sell right now -- you could rent your place and rent or buy a cheaper place with two bedrooms. And I personally don't think I would terminate in the case of the baby turning out to have the genetic problems you described (but I am someone who has decided she would not terminate in the case of Downs Syndrome or anything where the child could have some quality and length of life, so maybe I am in the minority). I do realize that is really easy for me to say about a hypothetical that I don't have to actually live with. I guess I will ask this: what if your husband's parents had decided to terminate him . . . ?

This is a decision to be made together. What does he think? You will need to support each other a lot no matter what way you go. There is no easy answer, and I'm really sorry for that. I just want to say a lot of expletives at the thought that you were using protection and it just didn't work. That sucks. I have a good friend who planned never to have children, and then at 37, hello unplanned baby. She and her husband are great parents, and they've managed to fit her into their tiny condo with their two big dogs. But still, um, thanks life . . . thanks for having a laugh at our expense, right?

Do you feel worried that people will judge you if you terminate? I don't have an answer for that, but I acknowledge that that would be hard to bear on top of everything else. You have to do what is best for you with the information you do have. If you do decide that that's what you two need to do, then just remember that the people who are judging didn't have the choice that you had. It's easy to be all, "Oh, I'd never do that," when you're not in that position.

As far as what I would do, I would wait until the amnio to make my final decision.

 

[noelwr]

I would also terminate and wait for when the timing is right.

My youngest sister found out she was pregnant in October - only she was SEVEN months pregnant not the 12 weeks max that her GP thought.

I'm not trying to be mean... I am really interested. how come she didn't know she was 7 months pregnant? didn't she feel the baby move?

 

[MMMD]

Since you are posting this question I think you do not want to terminate. You and your DH have had a plan and now that is all shot to heck. Which is scary. But it seems to me that you two are trying to control the uncontrollable. Yes medical science may have been able to help you and your DH have a child that is free of DH's disease but that's not to say that your child would not lead a medically challenged life with some other affliction. That's just the risk you take when you become parents. Which, again, is scary but you can't be so afraid of something going wrong that you don't embrace life and it's challenges.

Good luck to you.