Suggestions on how to remember things?

[robbie3982]

DH is the most forgetful person I''ve ever met (not counting the elderly man with dementia I took care of when I was a caretaker). In the past week, he''s forgotten to pay the cable bill (we have a late charge now

) and nearly ruined the top layer of our wedding cake because he forgot to wrap it up before putting it in the fridge (we broke into it early

). Before this year, he hadn''t been to see a dentist in over a year and a half despite having dental coverage through work because he couldn''t remember to make an appointment. I finally just called and made it for him. When it was time for his car to be inspected earlier this year I reminded him and reminded him to make the appointment, he finally did at the last minute because I made him do it while I was standing there, but then he forgot to take the car in! I feel like I have to nag him in order for anything to get done otherwise he''ll forget. I hate nagging him and I''m sure he doesn''t enjoy it much either.

Short of doing everything myself, does anyone have any suggestions on how to help DH remember to do the things he''s responsible for doing?

 

[Eva17]

Oh Robbie, he has a wife now to help remind him....

LOL

sorry I don''t have any secrets to change the behavior.

 

[Efe]

I put post-it notes on the bathroom mirror so he sees them when he shaves. Doesn''t always work, but it helps. My husband is terribly forgetful and like an absent minded professor. Case in point, he once drove to work and then took public transportation home and freaked because his car wasn''t in the parking lot. I have been dealing with this for 15 years and I tell you it can really put a strain on your relationship. I resist the urge to just do everything because then he becomes forgetful, absent minded, and lazy. I have to force him to see it as a problem and then there is some hope of changing it. I think you will be wise to figure out some compromise/coping mechanisms while you are newly married.

 

[Sha]

Does he have an alarm on his cell phone/PDA? You can set some cell phones to alarm for something specific - like "dental appointment". Or maybe he can get a diary/planner/organizer and write down all the things he needs to do? Post-It notes work too.

 

[Independent Gal]

Bizoumom that is hilarious about leaving the car at work. It made me laugh out loud. But it''s the sort of thing I often do!

Robbie FI is like that too, so we''re starting this method: I have a list on a sticky on the fridge of stuff that needs to be done with columns for him and for me. Then we have designated ''get it done!'' sessions where he attacks his list and I attack mine. Then we do something fun when we''re done.

 

[nytemist]

Robbie, when you find the miracle answer to this, please let me know.

I used to remind, remind, remind and remind, but he would still find a way to forget. Rather than sound like a nag, or worse like a mom, I let it go. Usually him getting mad at himself for forgetting something important is enough for to do better. At least for a week or so. Then it starts all over again.

Once he left his phone on top of the car as we going out. I watched him do it. We got in, the car started and I asked, so Ian, where''s your phone? He''s been pretty good about that ever since.

 

[scarleta]

Robbie: the easiest way is to just doing what you have been doing (keep reminding him) Sorry I know its not the answer you expected, but its the way it has to be.He managed ok before he met you right?? If notes work that''''s great , just don''t count on it...

 

[Sha]

Is it that he forgets or he just doesnt'' think those things are important? Or he is just accustomed to people nagging him and so he never gets into the habit of remembering things himself? Does he think that you will always be there to remember things for him?

I know it''s frustrating, but maybe reverse psychology would work. Maybe if you let him bear the consequences of his ''forgetting'' he might straighten up. That''s tough though because I guess they''re some things that affect you too.

 

[Elmorton]

Oh goodness...I''m the "forgetful" one in my marriage... during the pre-wedding months though, I was going crazy trying to sort out moving, wedding, graduation/comprehensive exams for my MA - so much that I was getting really, really, really upset about not being able to keep track of everything. I bought a tiny moleskine notebook in the smallest size and keep it in my purse. I don''t know if your husband would be able to incorporate it into his routine (you know, since most men don''t carry purses), but having a little notebook with me that is filled with lists and ideas and errands and what not helps me soooo much.

 

[gailrmv]

hi Robbie,
DH keeps a to do list in his handheld and that helps somewhat. I keep a to do list on my calendar program on my computer and the more I use it, the more I come to rely on it! I also find having a routine helps too - although you can''t exactly do that for the 1 or 2 times a year things.
I hear you about not wanting to be a nag, but not wanting to do everything yourself either!

 

[sera]

When I need to remember something like make an appt. or bring something to work, I will draw an X on my hand with pen (it''s my string around the finger thing). I horrible at remembering stuff like that- I get soooo ADD... it''s like if I put popcorn in the micro, I can''t walk away cuz I''ll get distracted (until the nasty burnt popcorn smell reminds me). If it''s something I commit to remembering, I have an awesome memory... but everyday little things, ooooh not so much. Sooo anyway, I wouldn''t suggest pinning a note to his shirt like a teacher does for her students

but you could leave a post it somewhere... like on the fridge you could have put a post it to wrap it up first.

For other things, I schedule them into my smart phone. I can set things up daily or weekly or once... so you could set a reminder to remind him every day to make his appt. My grandma and aunt write theirs on their calendars.

 

[door knob solitaire]

I forgot...what was this conversation about?

DKS

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 10/16/2007 1:33:19 PM
Author: Eva17
Oh Robbie, he has a wife now to help remind him....

LOL

sorry I don''t have any secrets to change the behavior.

so true!!! LOL

Okay, I make my hubby''s doctors appts, dentist appts, call and leave him messages and email him if I don''t want him to forget things. My hubby is sweet and says he doesn''t know what he would do w/out me; I don''t know either!!! hehee

 

[Eva17]

I don''t know about the men, but for all of us forgetfull women,

maybe it''s our red lipstick!!!!!



Skippy, you are a good women. Even better, he is appreciative!

 

[Aloros]

I like to keep a large calendar on the door with the things that need to be done, so I can see it before going out the door! Then highlight or check off completed items. If it''s something that happens regularly (like bill-paying), I find it helps to establish a routine. Pay it on the same day every month, maybe even at the same set time.

That''s all I can think of for now! Hope this helps!

 

[Kaleigh]

Leave him notes in the kitchen, works for us. Just skip the exclamation points, they drive me insano. Last one to me was

Call the plumber, sink is slow!!!!!!

I''d rather he email me instead, hehe.

 

[Regular Guy]

I happen to note one of the lead articles today on MSN is on this...

 

[Miranda]

Pin important reminders to his shirt every morning.

 

[larussel03]

It sounds silly, but repeat it 3 times. That's what I do. I'm terrible at names or details (like what time my interview will be and where - I only registered the I have an interview part haha) so I often repeat and re-ask 3 times to verify. Then it's solid in my head.

I feel bad for people I first meet when I use their names over and over. They must think I'm loony.

For the other person (your DH) forgetting - tell him 3x. I know it's annoying but I swear, my grandfather used to say 3x is the charm b/c the first time the person's not really listening, the 2nd they're about half way there and the 3rd they got it!

 

[robbie3982]

Thanks for the suggestions everyone!

Ira, if video games improve memory, I don''t even want to know how bad DH would be if he stopped playing! (He currently plays his ps3 for at least a few hours a day

).

Scarleta, he was actually much worse before I started nagging him

. Before I moved in he once forgot to pay his rent...two months in a row! Even after they made a huge deal about it being late the first month! It wasn''t that he didn''t have the money, he just forgot to pay it. Twice. In a row. Agh! His forgetfulness drives me crazy!

Sha, it''s definitely that he forgets. It''s important to him to make sure his inspection on the car is current, his teeth are healthy and that the cable''s paid. He just can''t seem to remember to do any of these things!

Sweetpea, I''m horrible at names. I tend to remember important events and I don''t pay bills late because I pay them as soon as I get them, but remembering names is beyond me.

The way that we have bill payment set up right now is that he pays the cable, his car loan, his student loans, the rent and his cell phone. I pay my cell phone, the gas, the electricity and the credit cards. Basically he continued to be in charge of all the bills that he was in charge of before we moved in together and I took over the new bills (gas and electric were included in the old place). I''m definitely going to be paying cable now since I can pay it online and if I catch the other bills (they come in the mail instead of email) I''ll pay those immediately too. Late payment on bills is seriously one of the things that keeps me up at night worrying even though I''ve never actually paid a bill late. All of the money is "our" money, but we have 2 separate checking accounts. Both accounts are in both names, but he only uses "his" and I only use "mine" because he doesn''t balance his check book and I have to know where every cent from my account came from and went so that I don''t bounce checks/payments.

 

[KimberlyH]

Set up a shared calendar of sorts and list everything that needs to be done on it. That way it''s not you nagging, it''s both of you getting what needs to be done, done. Write his tasks in one color yours in another, check things off as you go along. Dental appt., write it down for 5 months out, car needs serviced, include it. Then it doesn''t need to be discussed so frequently. Once every two weeks or so review the calendar as a couple to make sure all that needs to be done is.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I agree to-do lists are really helpful. Get him a planner if he doesn''t have an electronic one. Also remember it takes about a month to create a habit so hopefully you only have to nag him for 30 more days to write and check his daily lists.

 

[somethingshiny]

I haven''t found the cure yet either. But, what helped DH was setting his cell phone alarm for times and dates when things need done. Also, to stop the "did you send the cable bill" fight, we put everything we could to "online bill pay." If he makes himself a note it helps sometimes.

I have a hard time not nagging too, so when I write notes for him, it''s something humorous on the fridge. Like "Something needs to be set on the curb. I don''t care if it''s you or the trash." Or "The grass is getting a complex; it''s three feet taller than the grass next door."

If it''s something REALLY important, like where are you putting the vacation cash, I ask him to tell me out loud as he''s putting it away. Then he''s more likely to remember.

I know it''s difficult with a forgetful husband, but try not to nag. He wants a wife, not a mother.

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 10/16/2007 6:30:40 PM
Author: door knob solitaire
I forgot...what was this conversation about?

DKS

LMAO!!!

My FI is really about getting things done...so much so that I feel like his personal secretary sometimes. However, I have resorted myself to the realization that I am NOT his mother, secretary, etc... However, we are not yet married, so his late cable bill does not effect me as of yet.

I tend to agree with Sha...I think FI does not see things in the same light I do, therefore he does not put the same amount of importance on them. ie, WEDDING PLANNING!!! (How do any couples manage to stay together during this process, I ask you???)

I feel like a nag quite a bit myself, but sometimes I think FI expects me to remind (nag) him about it until it''s done. When I stop nagging, he''ll say something stupid like, "Why didn''t you remind me about that???" My response is, "Well, last time I checked, you had it ''handled,'' so I assumed it would get done. That pretty much shuts him up when I DO remind him over and over about certain things.

Right now it''s about addresses and scheduling an appt. with his travel agent... I haven''t said a word about either in 3 days...I figure it''ll either be done by this Friday or I''ll get the damn things taken care of myself!

Since I am also a little scatterbrained, I carry a datebook/planner with me at all times (which I don''t always remember to look at, of course, but I''m much better than I used to be!)

I also set alarms on my phone AND on my computer at work. I have 7 students who are pulled out every single day, and I simply can''t keep track of it all, so I have a bell that goes off every time someone needs to be somewhere, and it worls like a charm!

So, can you hijack his computer calender and his cell phone''s date book to start setting alarms off all over the place for him???

 

[ccuheartnurse]

For a 2nd there I thought you were talking about my husband.

He''s good at paying bills, & often does so **immediately** or else he would forget. It drives me insane to remind him all the time about such simple things. This is bad, but sometimes I wonder, how can he be so successful at work? He''s a production manager of a very detailed & high profile company. Well..one day I went & got him a little digital recorder. LOL I am NOT kidding. I spent $100 on the smallest one because I didnt want to hear any mumbo jumbo excuses why he wouldnt use it. You know, it worked. I got him a simple calendar from Staples for the year, (shows one month at a time on each page), he recorded things as he remembered & then wrote them down in the calendar. LOL Wow, I''m killing myself laughing as I''m writing this. It worked & helped form some good habbits. Ok, he STILL tells me the SAME FREAKING stories OVER & OVER again, but he remembers occasionally that he might have told me "that one before". LOL It might work for your husband if he records stuff. My mom is starting to become more forgetful & developed a hangup about it cause she''s not remembering things. I marched out & bought her one too. She keeps it in her purse & on the window sill in her kitchen so if she needs to remember, she records it by voice, then transcribes it on her larger calendar. Gives her confidence that she wont forget important things.

Judy

 

[Steel]

Hi Robbie,

Belated congrats to you and DH.

I am sorry you may not like my answer: Do it yourself.

It is too complicated to half the bills and have some bills each. Either do it yourself all of the time or have an organised area with all of the details; numbers, addresses, bills, due dates etc and organise a rota as to who pays all the bills that weeks/month/6 months etc.

I see in the future if you do your bills and end up nagging him to do his, you will possibly suffer late fees or have to pay one of his bills yourself anyway that you will only frustrate you and your DH will feel nagged and inadequate. Bad road...

So, do it yourself or share it somehow (with a specific area in the home where all bills and bill payment details etc go and stay) with only one person doing all the bills at one time.

I recommend the former, you seem nicely organised. Think what other things he can do instead; like always takes out the rubbish, always cleans the loos, do the shopping etc. There must be other things you hate to do that he would be more able to do without the nagging!

I find in marriage it is all about picking your battles.

Good luck!

 

[strmrdr]

Have a strange question.. Does he snore?
Forgetfulness is one of the most overlooked signs of sleep apnea.

 

[tanuki]

I keep track of the family finances in Quicken and use the reminder function on the calendar to set up recurring reminders for practically everything from calling to get the gutters cleaned in the fall to when it is time to make the appointment for my yearly mammogram. I also like to put whichever bills I can get to automatically charge to my credit card so I only have fewer bills to worry about. After that I have a list in my purse of whatever I think needs to be taken care of and I make a habit of looking at it every morning. It''s mainly about getting systems in place. It makes life so much less stressful.

 

[eks6426]

Welcome to married life! I think you''ve been given a lot of good suggestions (joint calendar, sticky notes, etc.) My husband is the same way. In fact every guy I''ve ever known seems to forget stuff. (Does it really have to be my lot in life to remember where my husband put his keys????) I guess my advice to you would be to be cautious how you handle this. It sets the pattern for the rest of your life with your husband. If you start doing all the reminding (in whatever form) he will become more and more dependent on you...and this can cause you to feel resentment down the road. I highly suggest that you pick your battles and only help him remember the REALLY important things. Like bills, get the bills payments to happen automatically so he can''t "forget" to pay them. I think men are often bad about going to doctor''s & dentists...I''ve been after mine to do it for months. He always says "he''ll make the appointment" but never does. I could make the appointment for him, but then that will make him feel "mothered" which isn''t my role......Remember you are his WIFE not his MOTHER so he still needs to do things for himself.

Good luck...