stupid jealousy???

[sunkist]

Ok, you might think I''m being petty, but this is just still on my mind and I want to get some feedback from you guys. Last night I was helping my BF clean out his bookshelf. One of the things we pulled out was a box of stuff from an old girlfriend. It was just stuff that you collect during a relationship - notes, momentos, gifts, photos. As he went through them he through them out. There were some things that he didn''t want me to see and some stuff that even he didn''t even want to read cause it was an old love letter or something. He said he wanted to spare my feelings, didn''t want me to get sad or upset or jealous. That was considerate of him. There was something he didn''t want to throw away though. It was a gift he had personalized for her once. But on it there is their picture and a little story about them that says they get married and live happily ever after. (This he also didn''t want me to read, but it was too late.) He also has kept a photo album with tons of pictures of them as well as other friends in it. So anyways, I''ve met this girl and she is very nice. They are still friends, he even went to visit her a couple years ago and I felt uncomfortable about it the whole time. She calls every now and then still. But I still feel jealous!! Why does this happen to me!?!? I know that he had relationships before me, and I did before him. And I know that they are just friends now. I just wish he''d throw away the picture of them kissing.... It''s not like he "treasures" it , but still it bugs me.

So what I''m asking is, does anyone else feel weird or get a little jealous when old girlfriends/boyfriends are brought up? Or are you all ok with it because that''s life?

 

[JulieN]

I don''t mind; I see it as part as the past...a past that made him who he is today. If my beau had an ex he was still so friendly with and still cherishes old times with her, then she probably had him trained really well, and it''s just lest work for me!

All joking aside, though, they aren''t together anymore for whatever reason, and you have him. And I''d probably be worried if he left behind a whole string of bitter, angry ex''s. Sure, it''s nice to be the first love and have a clean slate, but it''s rarely like that. So, I don''t begrudge him friendships with an ex. But the picture thing... I''d be jealous of that.

 

[qtiekiki]

I know how you feel. My DH is not still friends with any of exes, but I got jealous one time when I found couple of boxes of exes'' things in our closet. I was a little upset that he was keeping those stuffs. DH told me that he didn''t remember that he still had them and will throw them away if I want to, but I said no since I don''t want him to throw it away because I want him to. Anyways, so those things are still in our closet, but I am not really jealous about them anymore because it''s his past. It might had been harder for me to get over if he was still friends with some of his exes. I think it''s normal if it doesn''t turn into paranoia and mistrust in the relationship.

 

[sunkist]

Thanks Julie and Qtiekiki. And ya, it''s not at all that I have paranoia or mistrust. I just don''t like thinking of him with someone else! But then who does? I guess I should just be thankful that he is what he is today, and that we are together, and that we are happy!

 

[Mara]

Jealousy is rarely rational so it's hard to say well you shouldn't be jealous because she is gone and you are there.....but for the most part I tend to feel like the past is the past and it does also make us into who we are today to have people in our pasts who we loved. I do have old letters and cards from my first boyfriend who I talked about marriage with, and some pictures of other boyfriends etc...Greg jokes around that I never got over my first boyfriend and still pine away for him (not true! but he was my first love), but he's not jealous at all, and I know from the stories he has told me that the relationships he had before me were not ones he was happy in at all, so I guess for us we don't have issues with any of the past people in our lives because in reality they were really only prepping us for each other.

 

[flopkins]

I still have a box w/all the letters my first ex wrote to me when he was at boot camp for 3 mo... and a few other momentos from him. By no means do I feel anything like the way I did back then, but I am very sentimental and I would be sad to throw them away, even though they don''t mean the same to me now... FI knows I have them and has even read some of the letters; he hasn''t said he wants me to get rid of them but then, they''re at my parents house in LA and we only visit a few times a year.

 

[blodthecat]

The past doesn''t even exist any more....It''s nothing more than a fading memory!

Blod

 

[valeria101]

No idea how to help, but 'thought it would bring a smile to know that ... it really can happen to anyone, regardless how unfounded such feelings may appear to be. As others said - there's nothing rational about it: much like a head ache that goes with a pill.

The funny case in point story I am referring to... sounds very much like yours, only the couple was over 65, and married for more than 40 years! And it wasn't that Mrs found a stash of memoirs, the stash found her: in the form of a nice lady who stopped out Mrs on the street saying that she has been her husbands' 'ex' before he married Mrs! Apparently the 'Ex' had just moved back into town, tracked down Mr for about a week

and now wanted to say 'Hi'. Mrs reacted just like you! Sure enough, she is fully aware all this is meaningless, but reasoning didn't stay in the way of jealousy one bit

Hope the happening will be just as inconsequential for you two guys.

 

[researcher]

The important thing to remember is that, if it bugs you, you need to talk to your BF about it. I know some people say it''s not good to be jealous, but jealousy is just an emotion. It''s your reactions to that jealousy that can be rational or irrational. There is nothing wrong AT ALL with feeling jealous or hurt in your situation. Now, if you were to pick up the picture, rip it in half, and start running around screaming and crying--yeah, I''d say there was a problem. But it sounds as though you are being extremely mature about your feelings, and are rationally trying to figure out what the best way to deal with your situation is. The things you need to ask yourself are:

Am I bothered enough by his actions to talk openly to him about my feelings? If no, well, it sounds like the past is the past. But it sounds like this is not the case. You therefore need to ask yourself the extent of hurt/jealousy you feel, and why. The next step is to go to your SO. You can preface your conversation with, "I know this will seem silly but..." or whatever you like, but your guy needs to know that his actions have upset you. Do NOT pretend you are not upset, or that it''s really not a big deal if it is. You need to set boundaries in the beginning of your relationship. Your man needs to know what''s acceptable where you''re concerned and vice versa so you can hopefully avoid hurting each other unintentionally in the future.

On a final note, I would ask your guy to explain to you WHY it''s important to him that he keep his momento. His answer may help you to accept his decision to keep the photos/gift, or help him to understand why it''s not right for him to keep that stuff.

BTW, you should NEVER accept something because "that''s life". We all were brought up differently, and have different values and morals. What''s fine for one person may not be for someone else. When these situations come up, you have to ask yourself if your SO''s actions are making you compromise your own values and morals. If they are, you need to talk to him.

I know this is an extreme example, but keep in mind that some people have no problem killing others, while others can''t even eat vegetables without feeling they''re killing a life. Most of us are not so extreme, but even in the middle people will vary on their opinions of what''s right and what''s wrong. Just as some people will tell you it''s silly for you to feel jealous in your current situation there are other people who might leave their SO because they felt their SO was cheating on them. There is no right or wrong way to feel; you just need to be true to yourself, true to your personal feelings and beliefs. As I said before, it''s your actions that you should be concerned with. And the best action is to be honest with your SO. Tell him what you''re feeling--all of the mixed emotions.

I hope this helps!

 

[Momoftwo]

I guess I come at this with a different viewpoint. My DH''s exes are just women he dated, not the enemy, and they influenced his life in someway and in a way made him who he was when I met him (good or bad included) and we keep in touch with a couple of them as they have a lot of the same values and backgrounds that we do. I always saw jealousy as insecurity. He''s with you, it doesn''t matter what he did or who he was with before he met you/started dating you. Jealousy especially over something that is from the past is not the least bit constructive and can hurt a relationship if your SO thinks you don''t trust them. The green eyed monster is called that for a reason. I personally feel, after 25 years of marriage that there really are no boundaries. Boundaries are for other relationships where there are things that are no one else''s business. Having boundaries in a marriage/relationship is putting up walls. In a working, open marriage/relationship, there shouldn''t be walls or lines you cannot discuss or cross. Yes, you are entitled to your feelings, but you need to ask yourself why you have them.

 

[Caribou]

I think it''s okay to be jealous, I think it''s normal. I also think it''s a rare woman who never gets jealous when it comes to their man. But I think the level of jealousy also coincides with how much you trust the man your with and how secure you feel in the relationship. It''s okay to be upset over what he didn''t throw away and talk to him about it but don''t obssess over it.

My FI has an ex who he dated for 6 years (less than 4.5 years longer than me) I''d be lying if I said it didn''t bother me whenever she contacts him. Which she does occasionally. It doesn''t bother me because of him, I totally trust him, it bothers me because he''s mine now..more of a terroitory thing and I''ve had too many ''nice'' (NOT) girls step over the line with my men in the past. However because he tells me whenever he talks to her and because I trust him, my twinge of jealous goes away quickly.

On the other hand, my ex''s were friends with their ex''s and I hated it. I''m a person that really sees no point in being friends with an ex, so I never really understood the point in my boyfriends (at the time) being friends with theirs. After we broke up I realized that I felt this way because I couldn''t trust them as far as I could throw them. I still don''t see the point in the being friends with your ex, but I''m okay with level of cordalness as long as it does not step over the line.

 

[AmberWaves]

Well, Sunkist, I''ve got something of the same goin'' on here. Except I''M the one who kept all the things, and still talked to her ex. Well, he talks at me, and I don''t respond. I do send Christmas Cards, but it''s all in friendliness. But, if I found something like that picture thing, I would have torn my hair out. It''s just not something you''d keep from a relationship, it''s different from just a regular picture, isn''t it? It''s more like a love story type of thing, which is what would insult me- not the picture so much. Ask him why he kept it, maybe it would have some relevance to something else. I don''t know what else to say to you! Only that it sucks!

 

[sunkist]

Hey everyone, thanks for your responses. I''ve been thinking about what it was that bothered me so much about seeing all the old momentos. I''ve come to this conclusion. My BF and I love eachother very much. And for the past few weeks I''ve been trying to do something for him that would let him know how much I do love him. I cooked for him on several occasions, gave him backrubs, let him ride his motorcycle somewhere instead of riding in the car with me. And I know that he appreciated these things, he said "Thanks," or "That''s cool", but I guess that wasn''t the reaction I was wanting. So then I thought maybe I should buy him a nice moneyclip or business card holder. But when I poked around to see if he would really like that he told me that he didn''t want our relationship to be all about gift giving and that we''re the most happy when we''re just being with eachother. I think that was the answer that I was looking for right there, but I still didin''t notice it. So then when the whole ex-girlfriend momento thing came up, I was seeing all the sweet things they had done for eachother. These things had taken place over a long period of time, but I was seeing them all at once, so I got jealous that I wasn''t getting things like this all at once. When in reality, we do do special things together and they take place over time. They aren''t big things but we still cherish those memories. They''re the fun times we have going on walks, exploring places, going on drives, eating out, cooking, watching movies snuggled up in bed.

So last night I had a talk with my BF. It was actually before I realized all of this. I just knew that I felt really selfish for feeling this way, but that I needed more attention from him. So that''s what I told him. But now I can tell him why I feel like this. I think this will help us more, but last night I think he was totally confused!

I hate how bad I am some times at communicating my feelings!

I''m wondering, if you''d like to share, what do you guys do to let your SO know how much you love them? And what is they''re reaction to this?

 

[AmberWaves]

My boyfriend knows I love him because I make him a lunch to take to work every morning. And I cook dinner for him every night. And I give him back scratches. I let him play his video games for hours at a time. I got with him to all the games he coaches for.

And the biggest thing, I came back for him 7 years after breaking up, searched for him for years. He wasn''t happened upon, he was SEARCHED for.