Stuck in the middle..

[sparklyheart]

Ok PS, I need advice from you guys..

My best friend has been married for a few years and it has been kind of rocky. Lately it's gotten worse and her husband has been making comments to me about how he's unhappy and basically doesn't want to be married. He has started some pretty significant (verbal) fights and then just blames it all on being drunk when it's over. They are in counseling and it really seems to be making things worse. Since I spend so much time with them, I end up seeing a lot of the fights/conversations.. whereas their other friends think they are the perfect couple because they put on a good show. So, this weekend he was out of town for a bachelor party and he kept texting me saying he hates being married. What am I supposed to do with that?!?! They have a child and she wants to move ahead with more and he's just going along with whatever she wants.. Meanwhile he's complaining about it behind the scenes. I want to say something to my friend but at the same time I don't want to get involved in their situation. I want the best for my best friend and I know this guy is not the best.. I just am not sure how much I should say.. Any thoughts??

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

He might be telling you what he is too afraid to tell his wife, in hopes that you will do his dirty work for him. Or he is trying to get someone on "his" side. whatever, he sounds like a coward to me. I would ask him to stop texting you about things and talk to his wife or HIS friends instead if he needs a sounnding board. It is inappropriate for him to be saying ANYTHING to you. I would also not say anything to your friend. Make him deliver his own messages.

 

[ksinger]

Yeah. Tough situation for you.

Sounds like part of him wants YOU to tell her since he's clearly too chicken**** to do it himself. Why else would you complain to your wife's best friend?

I don't know what other adivce you will get, but I'd save the texts, and I darn sure would take the risk of telling your friend at some point BEFORE they have another chld. I know that to say anything would be to risk your friendship - people can be very weird when receiving new they don't want to hear, but to try to warn her and save her having TWO children as a single mom, (and by the sounds of it she is GOING to be a single mom soon) would be the mark of a true friend, regardless of how she may see it now.

But yeah, that is a VERY tough call.

 

[Haven]

He might be telling you what he is too afraid to tell his wife, in hopes that you will do his dirty work for him. Or he is trying to get someone on "his" side. whatever, he sounds like a coward to me. I would ask him to stop texting you about things and talk to his wife or HIS friends instead if he needs a sounding board. It is inappropriate for him to be saying ANYTHING to you. I would also not say anything to your friend. Make him deliver his own messages.

I completely agree with GP.
I would tell him that he cannot text or contact you anymore to talk about anything related to his marriage. I would tell him he has to tell her himself. And if it were *me* and *my best friend* I would have told her about the texts immediately, but that's just how my friendship is with her. I'm not friends with her husband on my own, meaning we only talk directly to each other without my best friend around when we're planning things FOR my best friend, so I know the situation is different because it sounds like you have an independent friendship with him as well. I'm not like that with any of my very close girlfriends, so I honestly don't know what I'd do.

 

[lbbaber]

She is your best friend and HE is sending YOU texts that you are keeping from her? Not to mention that the texts have the potential to change HER life forever. Oh Boy!! What a mess! I feel for you, I honestly do.

If you value this friendship, I would tell him to STOP contacting you immediately and I would tell her EVERYTHING. Something like this is TOO BIG to not tell.... if she finds out that you knew all along without telling her---or even that he has been contacting you secretly about something SO PERSONAL, she will probably be very upset. I know you are trying to what is right but it might not come accross that way to her if she finds out at the wrong time.

On a personal note, I would be weary of HIS motives. It's odd that he would secretly tell his wife's best friend such personal information.

I'm going to wish you lots of luck on this one. It seems as if you are in a sticky situation right now and no matter how good your intentions are, someone is going to get hurt. Honestly is ALWAYS the best policy when it comes to your BFF. If you were in her shoes, what would you want her to do?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

First, he is dumping on you...totally toxic. Second, yes what motives does he have? Do you think he's kind of trying to hint he'd like to start a relationship with you?

And, yes, as everyone else said, ask him to stop texting you. I don't think you need to tell your friend because they're in counseling. If she wasn't aware of the issues, they wouldn't be going.

 

[sparklyheart]

She is your best friend and HE is sending YOU texts that you are keeping from her? Not to mention that the texts have the potential to change HER life forever. Oh Boy!! What a mess! I feel for you, I honestly do.

If you value this friendship, I would tell him to STOP contacting you immediately and I would tell her EVERYTHING. Something like this is TOO BIG to not tell.... if she finds out that you knew all along without telling her---or even that he has been contacting you secretly about something SO PERSONAL, she will probably be very upset. I know you are trying to what is right but it might not come accross that way to her if she finds out at the wrong time.

On a personal note, I would be weary of HIS motives. It's odd that he would secretly tell his wife's best friend such personal information.

I'm going to wish you lots of luck on this one. It seems as if you are in a sticky situation right now and no matter how good your intentions are, someone is going to get hurt. Honestly is ALWAYS the best policy when it comes to your BFF. If you were in her shoes, what would you want her to do?

The bolded part is the worst. I have brought up different situations before and she has been in denial that things are as bad as they are.. Which makes it very hard to say something. I don't want to know his side of any of this. She is very dependent on him and has little self-confidence and her life would literally crumble around her if he was gone.. So I think that's where I'm stuck. I don't want her to get hurt, obviously... but it's not my marriage and I don't know all of the intricacies of their marriage so I don't want to overstep my boundaries. On the other hand, I care about her much more than him so I want HER to be happy and get everything she deserves out of life..

I really appreciate your honest answers! I feel awful for not telling her yet but then I'm stuck as to when to say something or even HOW. How do you tell your best friend that you know her husband doesn't want to be with her? Ugh. It sucks.

As for me and him being friends, she kind of helped that along just because she wants everyone to be friends with them as a couple.. if that makes sense.. We don't go hang out on our own, just with her. We have had a lot of conversations about life and relationships (mine) and then that evolved into him telling me about them.. It's a slippery slope that has led me here.. As soon as I realized it I backed off and avoided being alone with him (alone meaning her on the other side of the room or whatnot) but I still get random comments from him whether by text or out at a bar or whatnot. I have often wondered if it's because he wants me to tell her.. Which is almost worse. He absolutely IS a coward and I know that.. so it wouldn't surprise me.

I guess my biggest fear is that me talking to her will send them on this downward spiral.. Even though I know it won't be *my* fault, I would still feel horrible about starting it off.. but then again, I know exactly how this is going to play out and it's much much worse..

 

[sparklyheart]

And if it were *me* and *my best friend* I would have told her about the texts immediately

I guess I just don't even know how to bring that up!! They have had so many issues with trust and stuff that I hate to be their messenger. I just hate being in the middle of this!!! It makes me feel like we are 5 and they can't talk to each other. I just wish I didn't know any of it..

 

[MichelleCarmen]

And if it were *me* and *my best friend* I would have told her about the texts immediately

I guess I just don't even know how to bring that up!! They have had so many issues with trust and stuff that I hate to be their messenger. I just hate being in the middle of this!!! It makes me feel like we are 5 and they can't talk to each other. I just wish I didn't know any of it..

You can always tell her there is something up and then fwd the text messages to her. That is what I would do.

 

[LGK]

I had a best friend stuck in a horrible, abusive marriage for years. I, thank god, didn't have contact with her icky husband separately from her, but I was the ONLY one of our group of friends who was willing to tell her things that she didn't want to hear. (Like: if the guy's own mom is warning you he hit his other girlfriends, you might not want to marry him, really.) Did it help in any dramatic way? No, not really- I don't really think anything I said had much effect in terms of their marriage; but I do think it affected our friendship, and for the better over the long term. Years later she told me that she felt I was a better friend in than some of her others because I didn't just avoid the tough topics.

If I were you, yes, I would question his motives a LOT. And tell your friend. Even if she blows the info off. At least you did what you could, whether or not it has an effect isn't always the point, y'know? It's knowing you did what *you* could do, and hopefully it'll be a weight off your shoulders. Good luck- horrible situation indeed to be put in.

 

[sparklyheart]

I'm 110% sure he doesn't want to start a relationship with me. Even if that was anywhere on his mind it's not an option because that's ridiculous and I would never want to be in a relationship with him!! Other than him wanting out, I don't know what his motives are..

 

[junebug17]

Ugh, this guy has certainly put you in a terrible spot, I would tell him immediately to stop texting you with these comments.

And as for telling your friend...I'm 50 years old and still don't have any idea how to handle things like this. Since she's your best friend, your first loyalty is to her, and she should know what her husband is saying. But on the other hand, you may be putting yourself even more in the middle than you already are, and of course your friend is going to be upset, and maybe even angry with you if you tell her.

Just throwing ideas out here...maybe you could tell him he has to tell his wife how he really feels, or you will. Of course, that means following through if the coward doesn't do it.

I don't know, I think telling her is the right thing to do, but that is so much easier said than done. She already knows her marriage has problems, maybe she won't be that shocked? I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it's very unfair that this man has dragged you into the middle of their problems.

 

[zoebartlett]

I wouldn't get involved other than to tell your friend's husband to stop putting you in the middle. He needs to stop texting you and start talking candidly to his wife.

 

[Inkblot]

If my BFFs DH sent me texts of that nature, I would save them and tell her IMMEDIATELY. If I'd known my DH was sending my BFF private texts, it's her duty as a best friend to tell me. Keeping that information secret to "stay out of it" could directly impact her future, and I would be inconsolably hurt and angry if she withheld that information from me. Whether it's his shady way of setting the framework to get out of their marriage, so be it. If you're afraid of being the catalyst to get the ball rolling, don't be. Would you rather have her stuck in an atrocious marriage the rest of her life? What if you tell her, and that causes the pendulum to swing the other way and she extricates herself from the relationship on her own? Your silence, in this case, could be damaging.

Personally, I think he's cheating on her. If he's sending you texts, I'm sure he's sending other women texts, complaining about how bad his marriage is, and how badly he wants out. I would hit up Mr. Google and search for his name; if I knew someone with an online dating profile, I'd search within a 15 mile radius of my hometown and see if his picture pops up. I know this from personal experience! His texts are merely the scaffolding of a city that's already being built, lie by lie, stone by stone, text by text. It would be totally humiliating for her if she finds out that you knew something was up all along.

You said her life would crumble without him. Okay, fine. But it's crumbling now as she's with him, is it not? At least without him, she has a chance of building a new future for herself. It will be difficult, yes, but if she has a best friend like you willing to support her and encourage her, then no task should seem insurmountable.

My BFF is my heart and soul and kindred spirit. No matter how much it would hurt her, I would have to be gravely honest. By not telling her that her DH is texting me, that's lying by omission. It's this kind of hard situation that tests the mettle of your friendship, and like another poster had mentioned, it will only strengthen your bond and make you better friends over time.

 

[Kaleigh]

I wouldn't get involved other than to tell your friend's husband to stop putting you in the middle. He needs to stop texting you and start talking candidly to his wife.

Exactly..

 

[somethingshiny]

Ditto all the other posters. And, I'll add, you and he are partaking in an emotional affair. I don't think you want to be part of it, but in keeping this valuable info to yourself, you are contributing to the affair that he's started. Get out, get out quick.

 

[merilenda]

I think you need to tell her. It's not cool of him to put you in this situation, but since he has, I think she needs to know.

When I was in a past relationship, my SO cheated on me with another friend of ours. She got drunk and told a whole group of our mutual friends. And you know what? None of them told me. I realize that it was her selfishness and irresponsibility that even put them all in the situation, but regardless, it made me realize that maybe none of them were my true friends. I'm not saying this is the same situation exactly, but just that it really hurt me that they had this knowledge and no one decided to pass it along to me.

 

[Haven]

And if it were *me* and *my best friend* I would have told her about the texts immediately

I guess I just don't even know how to bring that up!! They have had so many issues with trust and stuff that I hate to be their messenger. I just hate being in the middle of this!!! It makes me feel like we are 5 and they can't talk to each other. I just wish I didn't know any of it..

I'm not saying that would be the right thing for you to do in your situation, and I really do feel for you because this is a HORRIBLE position for you to be in. I just know that in my friendship with my best friend I would have called her and told her about the texts immediately. That's just how we are and how our friendship is, but that does not mean that's the best choice for you at all!

Whatever you do, I hope it works out for you. Big hugs to you, sparklyheart!

 

[AmeliaG]

Well, I guess I'm the hard-ass. I'd distance myself from both of them. I mean, if she's that much in denial and that dependent on him, then how good of a friend can she be to you? Is your friendship basically listening to the two of them talk about each other? That's not good for you.

I don't know; I'm just suspicious that a person can be so dependent in one relationship and perfectly healthy and independent in all their other relationships.

I'd just tell him to stop texting me and when she asks me what I think, I'd just say, he has been talking and I think you need to talk to him. I would not tell her what he said or texted, she needs to get that from him.

 

[swingirl]

Tell him not to share anything personal with you because you aren't keeping his secrets any longer. And if he continues, you'll forward his texts to his wife. No matter what you do, be prepared to lose this couple as friends. I have found that once people air out their dirty laundry, they eliminate the people who know too much. and you already know too much.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I would tell him point blank via text or e-mail to stop involving you in this situation and stop texting you about it or talking to you about it. And I would tell him that you are forwarding the texts to his wife because you are not a secret keeper.

Then I would talk to the wife in person and say "I know this is awkward, but your husband has sent me some texts about his feelings about your marriage. I have told him to stop and to not involve me further, and if he contacts me again I will delete his messaged unread. But in the interest of our friendship I am forwarding them to you. And then I am deleting them. I won't bring this up again because I do not want to be a go-between you two in your marriage. But of course, I am here for *you* to offer whatever support you want in whatever decision you make."

And then after that don't bring it up and be a good supportive listening friend.

ETA: And I would not spend time with them as a couple anymore because the boundaries are too blurry. I would spend time with the wife, but not the two together.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Set a boundary with the husband that it is inappropriate for him to text you or discuss his marriage with you. You are allowing yourself to be stuck in the middle when this is really none of your business.

 

[sparklyheart]

I texted him back to tell him not to tell me anymore about his marriage and that I don't want to hear it but that he needs to talk to his wife about it. I also said it puts me in the position of not knowing whether to be a messenger or not. I got back a very sarcastic reply and an apology..whatever that means.

It's interesting reading all of the replies because you are all saying what I have been thinking and feeling.. And if you noticed there are comments saying "tell her!" "don't tell her!" and their various reasons.. And I have thought and felt all of those.. I think that's why it's so hard. Dreamer, I think your advice is what I need to go with.. I want to tell her what has been going on but I think by just bringing up the most recent text and then saying I am not bringing it up again but offer my support I can be there for her without being the messenger about everything.

Thank you guys again for all of your thoughts/comments/advice. It really is helping me try to figure this out. I obviously want to help my best friend but it's complicated because of the ways all of our lives are so intertwined between their child, our families, friends, work, etc.. At the end of the day though I want her to be happy and respected by her husband.

 

[suchende]

My BFF's boyfriend started texting me about relationship concerns, which I mostly brushed or laughed off, then it escalated to him propositioning me (!) and then when I told her, she distanced herself from me and stayed with him. I'd not say anything out of fear that, in the midst of stress and trauma, she would blame the messenger.

 

[VapidLapid]

I think he is fishing, looking for some kind of information from you about things like what kind of response he might get if he broaches the subject of divorce with his wife, or some slip up letting him know if she has discussed with you a desire for the same end. I think the situation plays out one of their personal failures; not being clear, direct and honest with each other. I would tell him that clearly and directly.

 

[Amys Bling]

Ditto all the other posters. And, I'll add, you and he are partaking in an emotional affair. I don't think you want to be part of it, but in keeping this valuable info to yourself, you are contributing to the affair that he's started. Get out, get out quick.

I agree with this! If I found out my FI and my BFF would text back and forth or have serious conversations about their lovelife/relationships that I was not aware of I would be hurt and wary. That is just me, but I would feel like they had some sort of emotional think going on, especially if they were talking about unhappiness surrounding our marriage.

 

[sparklyheart]

Ditto all the other posters. And, I'll add, you and he are partaking in an emotional affair. I don't think you want to be part of it, but in keeping this valuable info to yourself, you are contributing to the affair that he's started. Get out, get out quick.

I agree with this! If I found out my FI and my BFF would text back and forth or have serious conversations about their lovelife/relationships that I was not aware of I would be hurt and wary. That is just me, but I would feel like they had some sort of emotional think going on, especially if they were talking about unhappiness surrounding our marriage.

I will agree that it is now inappropriate and completely not ok. She is aware of all of the conversations about my relationships and other things. She is not aware of the conversations about their relationships.. Or rather his comments. I am completely NOT ok with the situation but like I said, it was kind of a progression and then I found myself in this sticky situation and I'm trying to get out! I wouldn't be ok with the situation either if I was married which is why I want to say something to her..

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I would simply tell him that you understand he's upset or unhappy but that you're not the person he should be talking to about this. And add that you'd prefer not to be involved because you like them both and you're going to be neutral territory moving forward. Period. End of story.

I've learned this the hard way. You want to be supportive, understanding and even sometimes the peacekeeper...but it's not your marriage to save. You shouldn't discuss their goings-on with anyone other than your own husband in the privacy of your home, and let the two of them work it out or not.

At the end of it all, marriages work out and marriages fail. The person in the middle of it all, who shouldn't be in the middle of it all, is universally the one who gets burnt. Put yourself first and let the two of sort of their marriage.

 

[AmeliaG]

She is aware of all of the conversations about my relationships and other things. She is not aware of the conversations about their relationships.. Or rather his comments.

Ouch, I missed that part. He probably felt free to tell you about his relationship because he'd listened to your relationship stories. I admit, there is some sort of reciprocality implied in sharing relationship problems. I'd be more than a little miffed if I had been the confiding ear in a friend's relationship problems only to find out that everything I confided to them about mine was going directly to my SO because they felt some loyalty to my SO and they didn't deem me that good of a friend.

 

[sparklyheart]

She is aware of all of the conversations about my relationships and other things. She is not aware of the conversations about their relationships.. Or rather his comments.

Ouch, I missed that part. He probably felt free to tell you about his relationship because he'd listened to your relationship stories. I admit, there is some sort of reciprocality implied in sharing relationship problems. I'd be more than a little miffed if I had been the confiding ear in a friend's relationship problems only to find out that everything I confided to them about mine was going directly to my SO because they felt some loyalty to my SO and they didn't deem me that good of a friend.

I agree.. I think that may be where some of my hesitation comes in.. I know she deserves better but he and I do have a friendship that is more like a brother/sister relationship. I don't like keeping anything from my BFF but I guess I do feel a loyalty to keep what he said private. I guess I had thought we were all good friends (more than just us 3, there is a large group of girls/guys) but now that they really are falling apart I want to make sure I stand by her through all of this.. I just don't want all of the details!!