Strings attached to 10 year upgrade?

[that_someone_special]

If the only way I was getting an upgrade was if my FI (or Hubs) could get a motorcycle, I wouldn''t even get one. He is way more important than a stupid rock.

FI has actually said the same thing before, that I can get more diamonds if he can get a bike. HECK NO. I shot that down and let him KNOW he was never everrrrrrr everrrrrrrrrrrrr ever getting one.

EVER.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I like Kenny`s point of view - it does seem passive aggressive and manipulative!

 

[atroop711]

My husband tried this with our 10th anniv. upgrade and I said no. We had 2 children back then (we have 3 now) and I was completely against him getting a motorcycle again. He had one when I was pg with my first child and it was too stressful for me (I lost 2 friends in bike accidents)....SO we made a compromise. We decided that it was ok for him to get a Suzuki Bergman ( like a fancy vespa). It looks like a motocycle from the front but ultimately you can''t take it on the highway (YAY) and it doesn''t have the speed like a bike.

He got his scooter, rode it for 6 mo and sold it. He got it out of his system (that''s how my husband is) and then he sold it...went on to another hobby.

Is there any compromising with your husband?

 

[Callisto]

I don''t think it''s particularly manipulative for him to want a toy too. If I got a big expensive upgrade I would want SO to get something too. Yes relationships are about being selfless and generous, but inequality generally causes jealousy and resentment, in any type of relationship. Maybe not directly related to the purchase of my ring, but within a year or two or if finances were tight perhaps a promise to get something when more money was available.

However I would not let SO get a motorcycle. He doesn''t want one, but even if he did I think if I told him how much that would bother and worry me he would not get one for my sake. I just know too many horror stories to be ok with my loved one on a motorcycle.

 

[geckodani]

Date: 5/12/2010 4:21:20 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 5/12/2010 1:10:43 PM
Author: jaysonsmom
You gals give some really great and valid points. I won''t even try to tell him, I''m just going to direct him here so that he can see that it''s not only my point of view, but the POV of all sane women who love their husbands.

I wouldn''t be so quick to say that.

I love motorcycles. I have my license, and will be buying one as soon as I save up enough money. I know the risks, I know the odds, and I will still get one. I actively encourage my BF to get his license. My dad rides, my uncle rides, and so do many of my friends.

I do think what he''s doing is passive agressive and kind of mean spirited. They should be separate issues, and one purchase should not affect the other.

Ditto here. DH has a bike, as do many of our friends. We know the risks, and he takes precautions.

That said, I think that placing a string like that on your upgrade is unacceptable, and kinda mean. I''d decline.

 

[blushingbride]

My co-worker told me about how her boyfriend was killed in a motorcycle accident years ago. She went to the scene of the accident and saw him laying under the car!

. She was also just 7 weeks pregnant at the time (he knew she was pregnant too). It broke my heart to hear that story!

I just think they are bad news and plus, god forbid something happen to him - you would never forgive yourself (or at least I wouldn''t and would definitely have to sell the ring).

 

[radiantquest]

I agree that there is a difference in the types of bikes. One of those speedy little things are DANGEROUS. If he wants one to go to rallys with and things of that nature I dont feel are as bad. If you find that you really really want the upgrade add a stipulation that he can only get a reasonable speed bike and that he must ride with others so that he will be seen. It is much easier to not see one motorcycle than it is to not see four.

DH knows that he never allowed to have a motocycle. We dont have friends that have them that he could ride with and he doesnt know enough about them or the risks to make a good decision about one.

 

[coda72]

I guess I'm in the minority here, but other than the husband being accident prone, I don't think it's a bad idea. I want an upgrade that will cost approximately the same as a used goldwing motorcycle for my husband. He is ok with the upgrade and I'm ok with him getting the bike. But he has ridden motorcycles for 35 years and is pretty careful.

 

[luv2sparkle]

My husband got a motorcycle long before I got an upgrade. It scared me to death. He also looked so hot on it, and the leathers, oh my gosh. I wish I could dig up a picture to post. He had a minor accident
in the fog and rolled the bike a bit. It cost a fortune to fix it. Before he bought it, I asked him to up his life insurance policy, which he did. That was an absolute must. We had five kids at home at the time.
When they fixed the bike, the shop did not hook up the rear brake. Luckily I followed him home and saw it drop and hang and was able to tell him so he could pull off the freeway safely. Had he tried to stop
not knowing about the rear brake, it would have be ugly.

We also live in southern CA, and the freeways here are bad-no question, and not friendly to motorcyclists. Hubby decided after that incident to sell his bike. It was no longer worth it to him. I actually tried
to get him to keep it, because it was a lifelong dream of his. We have also known quite a few people killed on motorcycles in the last few years.

I didn''t want to be the one who said ''no'' to his dream. If he is really determined, it will always be an issue and maybe resent you a little for squashing it. It is a tough choice. Thankfully, it worked out okay
for us, but it doesn''t always happen that way. On the other hand, there are lots of ways to die and get injured, so he could not get a bike and it could still happen.

I have told my boys however, that they will have to climb over my dead and lifeless body in order to get a bike. And I would not be above taking a baseball bat to it either. But that''s my kids, not by
hubby.

Just my two cents, not worth much but there you go.

 

[Asu]

I have to answer.My father as always had bikes and loved them to bits,for as long as I remember.I've always been on the road with him,since I was a kid.I do love bikes,I love the sensation you get,and he has always been a very careful rider.He still do amateur races on tracks sometimes.He has now 3 or 4 bikes,a custom Honda for the street and a couple other for the races.Sure,he got home a little bruised sometimes,and during a race he actually broke his back (the guy behind him lost control of his bike),but he has been a biker his whole life,and my mother always felt it would have been wrong to ask him to give up on his passion just because she was scared.Sure,she was,but she tried to getting more familiar with bikes,and she ended up liking to ride and even opening a store for bikers.there is no deny that riding is dangerous,but isn't more dangerous that drive,when you are irresponsible.Having a store,we got to know a lot of bikers.A lot of them fell a couple of times,but no biggie,some had accidents,a couple died.But you know what?More than double got injured or died in car accidents.Everything depend on the biker.We actually known a guy who saved himself from a basically mortal accident because he known how to fall.
If the bike is a way for your husband to get you to don't get the upgrade,then your problem is bigger than a bike;but if he honestly want a bike,buy him some lessons at a track.They will teach him not only how to ride,but how to fall,hot to protect himself the best way,how to avoid accidents.And then maybe you could compromise to get him a bike that he can only take to a track,so he will have his bike,but he will be in a protected place,isolated from traffic and with professional people all around to help.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

My DH used to have a bike. It was a gorgeous Honda . . . it was burgundy with LOTS of chrome, and it was beautiful! I know he loved that bike, but he got rid of it around the time we got married. I didn''t ask him to, but I think he knew it made me nervous and I was so glad when he sold it!

 

[Indylady]

It seems like this motorcycle thing is more common than I thought! It seems like a lot of posters have mentioned the hubs wanting a motorcycle.

 

[Dreamer_D]

My grandfather rode a motorcycle for most of his life, and growing up I have many fond memories riding on it. That said, I would really not want DH getting one, autonomy or no

 

[doodle]

My family has a lot of bikers, and my grandfather used to be a bike cop (we actually grew up being told that if we ever needed help on the side of the road, a biker was the best to flag down because it''s a helluva lot harder to kidnap someone on a motorcycle, haha), so I don''t have the total aversion to them that a lot of people do. Also, funny story to lighten the tone of this thread a teensy bit. My father is a MAJOR thrill-seeker. He skydives, bungee jumps, has a piloting license, and scuba dives, including having made educational videos where he was diving with hammerhead sharks. That being said, when his buddies ask him why he doesn''t get a bike, he rubs his bald head and says, "You may like the wind whipping through your hair, but I only have two hairs left, and I''d like to keep them there." Anywho, what bothers me with this isn''t the wanting a motorcycle so much as him seeming to view it like it''s a fun toy. They''re dangerous. They require a great deal of responsibility and safety precaution, and they''re not something you wake up one morning and buy on a lark. For those who have posted about family or friends who have been riding for years, I''m willing to bet that they took their sweet time learning how to ride well before hitting open road, and I know lots of extremely experienced riders who still won''t ride on highway, at night, or in the rain. If he were willing to dedicate literally YEARS to learning the ropes and becoming skilled at riding before wanting to take it out on the road with traffic, maaaaaybe it''d be worth considering, but from your OP, I get the impression that this is something he wants on a whim because his buddies have ''em, and that just screams impending disaster to me. Good luck figuring the whole thing out, and if you really decide to put your foot down, with that budget, you have plenty of other options if he''s willing to compromise. Take a vacation somewhere awesome and go ziplining or something maybe?

 

[jaysonsmom]

We had another "talk" last night..I put that in parentheses because I did most of the talking.

My husband said he is really not being passive aggresive about my upgrade, he really wants me to get it because he sees how much it''d mean to me. He said that the motorcycle thing is kind of like a dream he''s always had, and he''s not doing a tit for tat type of thing. He brought it up because I was driving him bonkers with all my diamond talk, so he brought up the Matte black bike he''s getting.....one day (when I''m dead). Plus, he said I didn''t have to worry because my upgrade will set his savings back for a bit haha. Then I told him about all the toys you guys suggested, and he laughed and realized that he had most of the toys! In fact, he just upgraded the family room TV with a 58" flat screen and surround sound speakers and components which came to over $6K. His short term goal is a 42" flatscreen for our room. I think I can deal with that!

 

[Amethyste]

You know..........

You don''t need a motorcycle to get into any kind of accident. Per example, last week, I was walking outside with the parking lot light shinning into my eyes, I tripped on the grass wood barrier/border and landed my head right into the huge green garbage disposal and I passed out for about 5 mins. AND I WAS ON MY FEET!!! That thread reminds me that it doesn''t matter what you do, LIVING is a DEATH HAZARD!

I am the kind of woman who lives and let live. I could never say no to my husband if he wanted a Motorcycle or a Segway. If in his only lifetime he wants to experience how it is to feel free on a motorcycle driving into the cool roads and have a grand time on a sweet summer morning, How could I? Life is all about experiences and we all do that in our own way. I just couldn''t tell him no. That''s me though...

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 5/12/2010 5:36:31 PM
Author: jaysonsmom

He wants to get a hybrid, part cruiser, part crotch rocket....and I failed to mention he is VERY accident prone, and has broken every major bone on the right side of his body from various accidents, bicycle accident, skiing, roller-blading etc. I think he''s thrill chaser, and not the responsible safety type of guy, hence there''s no compromise on this matter.

Gosh that''s a big no right there. Maybe you should send him down to your local rehab hospital so he can see first hand what bikes do to people.

My brother in law was cleaned up by a drunk driver who ran a red light. He was in a coma for 3 months and has lost the complete use of his right arm. It is like a big lump of meat just hanging there. He also has back and leg problems and has to wear a second skin because of his injuries and i know that he is in constant pain.

I don''t think there is anything wrong with him getting a little somethin if you get your upgrade, fair''s fair, but a bike for an accident prone person when yu have kids to consider?? No way!!

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 5/13/2010 6:16:27 PM
Author: jaysonsmom
We had another ''talk'' last night..I put that in parentheses because I did most of the talking.

My husband said he is really not being passive aggresive about my upgrade, he really wants me to get it because he sees how much it''d mean to me. He said that the motorcycle thing is kind of like a dream he''s always had, and he''s not doing a tit for tat type of thing. He brought it up because I was driving him bonkers with all my diamond talk, so he brought up the Matte black bike he''s getting.....one day (when I''m dead). Plus, he said I didn''t have to worry because my upgrade will set his savings back for a bit haha. Then I told him about all the toys you guys suggested, and he laughed and realized that he had most of the toys! In fact, he just upgraded the family room TV with a 58'' flat screen and surround sound speakers and components which came to over $6K. His short term goal is a 42'' flatscreen for our room. I think I can deal with that!

Good man!! Tell him you''ll keep him for another 10

And Ame - be careful!! 5 minutes? yowch!!!

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 5/13/2010 6:16:27 PM
Author: jaysonsmom
We had another ''talk'' last night..I put that in parentheses because I did most of the talking.

My husband said he is really not being passive aggresive about my upgrade, he really wants me to get it because he sees how much it''d mean to me. He said that the motorcycle thing is kind of like a dream he''s always had, and he''s not doing a tit for tat type of thing. He brought it up because I was driving him bonkers with all my diamond talk, so he brought up the Matte black bike he''s getting.....one day (when I''m dead). Plus, he said I didn''t have to worry because my upgrade will set his savings back for a bit haha. Then I told him about all the toys you guys suggested, and he laughed and realized that he had most of the toys! In fact, he just upgraded the family room TV with a 58'' flat screen and surround sound speakers and components which came to over $6K. His short term goal is a 42'' flatscreen for our room. I think I can deal with that!

Skip the flat screen. Surprise him with a 1080p projector (really nice ones run $4000, nice are $2000, okay ones are even less) to go with the surround sound and move the 58" to your room.

I''m serious here. It costs less, gives a much larger picture (ours is 110"), higher quality picture, etc.
My mother bought one last year after seeing ours and mounted it from her VAULTED ceiling in a room with NO light control. They watch this thing just fine with the blinds open.

I''ve managed to convert 3 families (not including us) from flat screen watchers to projector users and they are all happy about it.

Take a look at projectorcentral.com

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Date: 5/12/2010 4:54:36 PM
Author: decodelighted
This is bothering me today so I thought I''d start a response where I can post stats as I find them.

* it is about 28 times as likely per vehicle mile that you will die on a motorcycle as it is that you will die in a car or truck. (source)

* 47% of riders killed were 40 years of age and older. (source)

Seriously, I don''t care if it is his dream or not. My DH knew when we got married that he could not have a motorcycle or a gun, although he did not want either.
It is not totally one sided. One, he did not want them and two I also made concessions. There are a lot of dangerous parts of the world I would LOVE to see (archaeological stuff), but will not because it is just to risky and DH will not let me.

It is really a matter of what is more important to me, my DH or dangerous fun things, and my DH wins hands down.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 5/14/2010 4:53:36 PM
Author: TooPatient

Date: 5/13/2010 6:16:27 PM

Author: jaysonsmom

We had another ''talk'' last night..I put that in parentheses because I did most of the talking.

My husband said he is really not being passive aggresive about my upgrade, he really wants me to get it because he sees how much it''d mean to me. He said that the motorcycle thing is kind of like a dream he''s always had, and he''s not doing a tit for tat type of thing. He brought it up because I was driving him bonkers with all my diamond talk, so he brought up the Matte black bike he''s getting.....one day (when I''m dead). Plus, he said I didn''t have to worry because my upgrade will set his savings back for a bit haha. Then I told him about all the toys you guys suggested, and he laughed and realized that he had most of the toys! In fact, he just upgraded the family room TV with a 58'' flat screen and surround sound speakers and components which came to over $6K. His short term goal is a 42'' flatscreen for our room. I think I can deal with that!

Skip the flat screen. Surprise him with a 1080p projector (really nice ones run $4000, nice are $2000, okay ones are even less) to go with the surround sound and move the 58'' to your room.


I''m serious here. It costs less, gives a much larger picture (ours is 110''), higher quality picture, etc.

My mother bought one last year after seeing ours and mounted it from her VAULTED ceiling in a room with NO light control. They watch this thing just fine with the blinds open.


I''ve managed to convert 3 families (not including us) from flat screen watchers to projector users and they are all happy about it.


Take a look at projectorcentral.com

this has been on our to buy list for quite some time but we put it off the past couple years thinking we''d get it in China but that''s turned out to be not a good idea so we''re goign to get it as soon as we get back.... absolutely ideal and you can so easily hook your computer up to it!!

 

[Indylady]

Hmmnn...that sounds really interesting. My parents have been talking about getting a new TV...maybe I''ll talk to them about a projector.

 

[luckynumber]

i must say that although i love my SO more than my own life, i could never veto him from doing something he really loved. I don''t want him to live, i want him to LIVE.

Life is a hazard for death.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 5/14/2010 11:31:10 PM
Author: IndyLady
Hmmnn...that sounds really interesting. My parents have been talking about getting a new TV...maybe I''ll talk to them about a projector.

They''ll love it if they get one. My mom''s big complaint about their projector is that for the first couple of months everyone wanted to watch it -- at least once a week I''d call and they''d be having yet another group of people over to watch a movie and play games on wii.


We have our Mitsubishi hooked up to the computer so it will do BDs & streaming from Hulu and Netflix too. My mom is looking at plugging hers in too.


ETA: Mom''s projector (plus screen, ceiling mount, and cables) still cost much less than the 40-50" flat screens they were looking at -- and has a better picture.

 

[Porridge]

Date: 5/19/2010 11:53:57 AM
Author: TooPatient

Date: 5/14/2010 11:31:10 PM

Author: IndyLady

Hmmnn...that sounds really interesting. My parents have been talking about getting a new TV...maybe I''ll talk to them about a projector.

They''ll love it if they get one. My mom''s big complaint about their projector is that for the first couple of months everyone wanted to watch it -- at least once a week I''d call and they''d be having yet another group of people over to watch a movie and play games on wii.



We have our Mitsubishi hooked up to the computer so it will do BDs & streaming from Hulu and Netflix too. My mom is looking at plugging hers in too.



ETA: Mom''s projector (plus screen, ceiling mount, and cables) still cost much less than the 40-50'' flat screens they were looking at -- and has a better picture.

Big ditto here, the projector is fantastic.

 

[tigian]

Date: 5/19/2010 11:53:57 AM
Author: TooPatient

Date: 5/14/2010 11:31:10 PM

Author: IndyLady

Hmmnn...that sounds really interesting. My parents have been talking about getting a new TV...maybe I''ll talk to them about a projector.

They''ll love it if they get one. My mom''s big complaint about their projector is that for the first couple of months everyone wanted to watch it -- at least once a week I''d call and they''d be having yet another group of people over to watch a movie and play games on wii.



We have our Mitsubishi hooked up to the computer so it will do BDs & streaming from Hulu and Netflix too. My mom is looking at plugging hers in too.



ETA: Mom''s projector (plus screen, ceiling mount, and cables) still cost much less than the 40-50'' flat screens they were looking at -- and has a better picture.

Another 2 thumbs up for the projector!

 

[Steel]

Glad you had a 'talk'

.

DH and I had matching motorbikes; it was tres cute. The only way to fly, we used to say. I loved to bike and miss it so much, I would often go out for a drive at night when the roads were empty and the freezing air breezed past. It was amazing.

But on my way home from work, less than 5 mins from my door I was hit side on by a SUV type vehicle and thrown from the bike. I landed unconscious, inches from a wall; I have no clue if I hit it. When I came to I realised my right leg from the knee down and foot had been crushed in direct impact. Luckily I had steel protection in my boot which saved my foot. I recovered but my bike was a write-off. I bought another with the insurance money and rode ony a handful of times; I was too scared of the other road users.

Biking is amazing and a one-of-a-kind experience. I miss it. But I'm glad I can walk and no experience is better than being able to put one foot in front of the other.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

So glad you came out of that OK Steal!! That sounds terrifying...

I''ve seen many patients with bike injuries...but I''ve also seen many injured from car accidents, violent crime, accidents in general etc. Yes, bike riding is a high risk behavior and I''m sure it statistically increases your risk of mortality/serious injury. But almost every action in life comes with risk, so it''s just a matter of personally weighing the risks vs benefits.

For me personally, the enjoyment from a bike isn''t worth the risk, and luckily for me, my hubby agrees. However, both of us have shot guns before, which is another high risk activity.

If you seriously think a bike is a danger to your family, then I think he should let it go, or maybe just agree to lessons on a track (you''d be surprised how many people THINK they want a motorcycle, and then change their minds once they actually get on one!).

If I ever buy jewelery over 1k, I''ll let my hubby spend an equal amount of any video game/electronic toy he wants, haha. I think it''s only fair that both partners get to indulge in luxury purchases!