Strings attached to 10 year upgrade?

[decodelighted]

This is bothering me today so I thought I'd start a response where I can post stats as I find them.

* it is about 28 times as likely per vehicle mile that you will die on a motorcycle as it is that you will die in a car or truck. (source)

* 47% of riders killed were 40 years of age and older. (source)

 

[Kaleigh]

I wouldn''t want an upgrade if it came with strings attached.... That kind of ruins it??? And no to a motorcycle... Ever watch Tori and Dean on Oxygen?? He got in a bad accident, she was like look you have 2 kids.. I need you..

How about he gets a nice set of golf clubs???

 

[choro72]

Yes to your DH getting a toy. No way on motorcycle.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 5/12/2010 4:21:20 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 5/12/2010 1:10:43 PM
Author: jaysonsmom
You gals give some really great and valid points. I won''t even try to tell him, I''m just going to direct him here so that he can see that it''s not only my point of view, but the POV of all sane women who love their husbands.

I wouldn''t be so quick to say that.

I love motorcycles. I have my license, and will be buying one as soon as I save up enough money. I know the risks, I know the odds, and I will still get one. I actively encourage my BF to get his license. My dad rides, my uncle rides, and so do many of my friends.

I do think what he''s doing is passive agressive and kind of mean spirited. They should be separate issues, and one purchase should not affect the other.

I don''t think he''s being mean spirited. Or passive agressive. He has something in mind that he desires, he''d like to have. It would cost roughly the same as an upgrade ring. That''s why he brought it up in reference to the upgrade.

Now, if he''s quite serious about riding, he needs lessons (our local cycle shops have them all the time), and he needs to reach an agreement with his wife about the types of roads he will ride on, time of day, and riding responsibly.

As for the horror stories, I''ve known many people who ride. I''ve known a couple of riders who have had an injury accident. I''ve known one woman who was killed, in an accident that would have been equally serious and life threatening if she had been driving a car. My ex-BIL has always had a Harley, and has been riding nearly ever day for 30+ years, without incident. And without a helmet. That''s pretty good odds, I''d say, in favor of the rider.

Just because someone is married, they don''t have to give up interests, hobbies, and recreation just because the spouse doesn''t approve. Marriage is compromise, not each telling the other what they WON''T be doing.

 

[kenny]

Date: 5/12/2010 5:00:56 PM
Author: Kaleigh

How about he gets a nice set of golf clubs???

OMG, can golf clubs cost $20K?

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 5/12/2010 5:12:20 PM
Author: kenny

Date: 5/12/2010 5:00:56 PM
Author: Kaleigh

How about he gets a nice set of golf clubs???

OMG, can golf clubs cost $20K?

LOL! That is what my Dh got when I got my recent upgrade... and no, the cost was not the same

But I also promised to "let him" golf fairly often without complaint -- we have a 14 month old so this is actually very generous of me

. Little did he know I would have let him golf anyways

 

[jaysonsmom]

Date: 5/12/2010 5:00:56 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I wouldn''t want an upgrade if it came with strings attached.... That kind of ruins it??? And no to a motorcycle... Ever watch Tori and Dean on Oxygen?? He got in a bad accident, she was like look you have 2 kids.. I need you..

How about he gets a nice set of golf clubs???

I think his current set of golf clubs is still fairly new, and it wasn''t a cheapy set either...but you''re definitely thinking in the right direction. He''s not into jewlery and watches, so some type of sports equiptment would be right up hiw alley. Too bad we don''t have enough room in our house, I''d buy pieces for a home gym!

 

[princesss]

Date: 5/12/2010 5:05:19 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 5/12/2010 4:21:20 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 5/12/2010 1:10:43 PM
Author: jaysonsmom
You gals give some really great and valid points. I won''t even try to tell him, I''m just going to direct him here so that he can see that it''s not only my point of view, but the POV of all sane women who love their husbands.

I wouldn''t be so quick to say that.

I love motorcycles. I have my license, and will be buying one as soon as I save up enough money. I know the risks, I know the odds, and I will still get one. I actively encourage my BF to get his license. My dad rides, my uncle rides, and so do many of my friends.

I do think what he''s doing is passive agressive and kind of mean spirited. They should be separate issues, and one purchase should not affect the other.

I don''t think he''s being mean spirited. Or passive agressive. He has something in mind that he desires, he''d like to have. It would cost roughly the same as an upgrade ring. That''s why he brought it up in reference to the upgrade.

Now, if he''s quite serious about riding, he needs lessons (our local cycle shops have them all the time), and he needs to reach an agreement with his wife about the types of roads he will ride on, time of day, and riding responsibly.

As for the horror stories, I''ve known many people who ride. I''ve known a couple of riders who have had an injury accident. I''ve known one woman who was killed, in an accident that would have been equally serious and life threatening if she had been driving a car. My ex-BIL has always had a Harley, and has been riding nearly ever day for 30+ years, without incident. And without a helmet. That''s pretty good odds, I''d say, in favor of the rider.

Just because someone is married, they don''t have to give up interests, hobbies, and recreation just because the spouse doesn''t approve. Marriage is compromise, not each telling the other what they WON''T be doing.

Holly, I''d agree with you if he''s brought it up separately (which I don''t know if he did or didn''t). If he''s said before that he''d like one, I''m with you. But if it was more along the lines of "Fine, you want something expensive, then I want something too!" then I''m more inclined to think it''s mean-spirited.

 

[zoebartlett]

Yeah, I''d say no also. It''s not exactly a fair deal. It would be great for him to get something if you''re upgrading your ring, so I see his point. I just don''t think a motorcycle is the way to go. Hopefully you can agree on something for him!

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 5/12/2010 5:23:55 PM
Author: jaysonsmom

Date: 5/12/2010 5:00:56 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I wouldn''t want an upgrade if it came with strings attached.... That kind of ruins it??? And no to a motorcycle... Ever watch Tori and Dean on Oxygen?? He got in a bad accident, she was like look you have 2 kids.. I need you..

How about he gets a nice set of golf clubs???

I think his current set of golf clubs is still fairly new, and it wasn''t a cheapy set either...but you''re definitely thinking in the right direction. He''s not into jewlery and watches, so some type of sports equiptment would be right up hiw alley. Too bad we don''t have enough room in our house, I''d buy pieces for a home gym!

Any way you can add on (or convert part of another space into) an area for a home gym for him?

 

[jaysonsmom]

Date: 5/12/2010 4:36:54 PM
Author: swingirl
I must answer. My husband and I did that for our 25th (kids over 1. It wasn''t a requirement but we both agreed we wanted something for our anniversary. I wanted a new ring and he wanted a motorcycle. He hadn''t ridden since he was a teenager so was basically a new rider. I thought it was a great idea. He took the motorcycle safety classes, got his license and we went bike shopping. He purchased a nice big cruiser (big enough to fit me on the back). Now he''s put 30,000 miles on it and I consider him a seasoned rider. It gets him to work everyday, rain or shine. He comes home with a smile on his face!

I have a spiffy helmet and jacket and on the weekends we take off for short ride. He does drive defensively and stays away from people on cell phones, bad drivers, SUVs, and other vehicles that can pose a danger because of a distracted driver and/or bad visibility.

Of course, it depends on what type of riding your husband wants to do -- commuting, touring, lane-splitting (very risky) and also if he wants a sport bike to zip around in or a cruiser. My husband''s happiness is worth the risk and he says he feels safer riding in the carpool lane anyway.

It''s quite fun! (I didn''t get on the back until my DH had been riding for a year)

However, that being said about motorcycles in general, if you aren''t comfortable with it, it should be a no.

He wants to get a hybrid, part cruiser, part crotch rocket....and I failed to mention he is VERY accident prone, and has broken every major bone on the right side of his body from various accidents, bicycle accident, skiing, roller-blading etc. I think he''s thrill chaser, and not the responsible safety type of guy, hence there''s no compromise on this matter.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 5/12/2010 5:36:31 PM
Author: jaysonsmom

Date: 5/12/2010 4:36:54 PM
Author: swingirl
I must answer. My husband and I did that for our 25th (kids over 1. It wasn''t a requirement but we both agreed we wanted something for our anniversary. I wanted a new ring and he wanted a motorcycle. He hadn''t ridden since he was a teenager so was basically a new rider. I thought it was a great idea. He took the motorcycle safety classes, got his license and we went bike shopping. He purchased a nice big cruiser (big enough to fit me on the back). Now he''s put 30,000 miles on it and I consider him a seasoned rider. It gets him to work everyday, rain or shine. He comes home with a smile on his face!

I have a spiffy helmet and jacket and on the weekends we take off for short ride. He does drive defensively and stays away from people on cell phones, bad drivers, SUVs, and other vehicles that can pose a danger because of a distracted driver and/or bad visibility.

Of course, it depends on what type of riding your husband wants to do -- commuting, touring, lane-splitting (very risky) and also if he wants a sport bike to zip around in or a cruiser. My husband''s happiness is worth the risk and he says he feels safer riding in the carpool lane anyway.

It''s quite fun! (I didn''t get on the back until my DH had been riding for a year)

However, that being said about motorcycles in general, if you aren''t comfortable with it, it should be a no.

He wants to get a hybrid, part cruiser, part crotch rocket....and I failed to mention he is VERY accident prone, and has broken every major bone on the right side of his body from various accidents, bicycle accident, skiing, roller-blading etc. I think he''s thrill chaser, and not the responsible safety type of guy, hence there''s no compromise on this matter.

Yikes.

The people out on carefully cared for Harleys and the like riding carefully just enjoying it are one thing. I believe they can be safe and it is a pretty reasonable thing to do (like my grandparents did).
Thrill seeking on a motorcycle is not the same.

Yikes.

 

[joflier]

the bike would be a big NO for me. I''ve seen some serious gore from working in the ER.

 

[snowflakeluvr]

Tell him to bungee jump, if he''s a thrill seeker

just kidding. I would say no and no to the ring, like the others, I would feel there are strings attached. I''m sorry-an upgrade should be an exciting and beautiful treat to look forward to. There was drama attached to my engagement ring, so I would not want jewelry under these circumstances(I felt bad about it till I finally forgave my hubby). or did I?

 

[Beacon]

He wants to get a hybrid, part cruiser, part crotch rocket....and I failed to mention he is VERY accident prone, and has broken every major bone on the right side of his body from various accidents, bicycle accident, skiing, roller-blading etc. I think he''s thrill chaser, and not the responsible safety type of guy, hence there''s no compromise on this matter.

Aiiii - save him from himself! No way can he have a motorcycle.

I think it kinda sucks to be negotiating your anniversary upgrade, but you''ll have to persuade him that the bike is a poor idea. That or just forget the whole thing and stay with your current ring.

 

[tyty333]

No...to the motorcycle. In my neck of the woods, which isnt all that large, it seems like we lose about 1 motorcyclist a month.
2 weeks ago was a 23 year old. We have a larger senior population and...I hate to say it but it seems like they are always the
one who causes the accident

. (and no, I''m not against seniors driving, I just think with our large population you need to do everything
in your means to protect yourself which excludes riding on/in anything that does not surround you with metal and lots of air bags).

 

[somethingshiny]

What if he got some form of a man cave or big garage overhaul? Sounds like he has lots of toys and would be happy with some more room.

 

[luckynumber]

I am a biker and so is my SO.

We are careful riders, and we understand the risk, and feel it''s well worth it.

I don''t like the idea of upgrades with strings, but also not so hot on veto-ing something a loved one really wants to try out.

It aint illegal after all.

BTW, I have 4 doctors in the family, including an orthopoedic surgeon and an A&E consultant. Both are riders.

 

[tigian]

Date: 5/12/2010 5:36:31 PM
Author: jaysonsmom

Date: 5/12/2010 4:36:54 PM

Author: swingirl

I must answer. My husband and I did that for our 25th (kids over 1. It wasn''t a requirement but we both agreed we wanted something for our anniversary. I wanted a new ring and he wanted a motorcycle. He hadn''t ridden since he was a teenager so was basically a new rider. I thought it was a great idea. He took the motorcycle safety classes, got his license and we went bike shopping. He purchased a nice big cruiser (big enough to fit me on the back). Now he''s put 30,000 miles on it and I consider him a seasoned rider. It gets him to work everyday, rain or shine. He comes home with a smile on his face!


I have a spiffy helmet and jacket and on the weekends we take off for short ride. He does drive defensively and stays away from people on cell phones, bad drivers, SUVs, and other vehicles that can pose a danger because of a distracted driver and/or bad visibility.


Of course, it depends on what type of riding your husband wants to do -- commuting, touring, lane-splitting (very risky) and also if he wants a sport bike to zip around in or a cruiser. My husband''s happiness is worth the risk and he says he feels safer riding in the carpool lane anyway.


It''s quite fun! (I didn''t get on the back until my DH had been riding for a year)


However, that being said about motorcycles in general, if you aren''t comfortable with it, it should be a no.

He wants to get a hybrid, part cruiser, part crotch rocket....and I failed to mention he is VERY accident prone, and has broken every major bone on the right side of his body from various accidents, bicycle accident, skiing, roller-blading etc. I think he''s thrill chaser, and not the responsible safety type of guy, hence there''s no compromise on this matter.

It''s not a fair trade. Two completely different ways to celebrate your big anniversary. You know your husband best and red flags went up after I read that he is very accident prone. My DH is a motorcycle rider and I don''t like it one bit...but I do know he is a very cautious person and very conscious of risks. His enjoyment and love for his bike and riding aren''t something I feel comfortable forbidding him to do. I think I would react differently if I were in your situation...meaning I would say no too!

 

[Cehrabehra]

I wouldn''t get a diamond.

I would tell him that a beautiful bauble celebrating and commemorating our love is not worth his safety. do you think he''s trying to get the bike or trying to get you to turn down the upgrade?

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 5/12/2010 5:05:19 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 5/12/2010 4:21:20 PM

Author: princesss

Date: 5/12/2010 1:10:43 PM

Author: jaysonsmom

You gals give some really great and valid points. I won''t even try to tell him, I''m just going to direct him here so that he can see that it''s not only my point of view, but the POV of all sane women who love their husbands.

I wouldn''t be so quick to say that.


I love motorcycles. I have my license, and will be buying one as soon as I save up enough money. I know the risks, I know the odds, and I will still get one. I actively encourage my BF to get his license. My dad rides, my uncle rides, and so do many of my friends.


I do think what he''s doing is passive agressive and kind of mean spirited. They should be separate issues, and one purchase should not affect the other.

I don''t think he''s being mean spirited. Or passive agressive. He has something in mind that he desires, he''d like to have. It would cost roughly the same as an upgrade ring. That''s why he brought it up in reference to the upgrade.


Now, if he''s quite serious about riding, he needs lessons (our local cycle shops have them all the time), and he needs to reach an agreement with his wife about the types of roads he will ride on, time of day, and riding responsibly.


As for the horror stories, I''ve known many people who ride. I''ve known a couple of riders who have had an injury accident. I''ve known one woman who was killed, in an accident that would have been equally serious and life threatening if she had been driving a car. My ex-BIL has always had a Harley, and has been riding nearly ever day for 30+ years, without incident. And without a helmet. That''s pretty good odds, I''d say, in favor of the rider.


Just because someone is married, they don''t have to give up interests, hobbies, and recreation just because the spouse doesn''t approve. Marriage is compromise, not each telling the other what they WON''T be doing.

I call bs - if he knows she doesn''t want one and he''s using her desire for something as leverage, he''s being manipulative. And sometimes marriage is a compromise and you have to give up your desire to ride a motorcycle.

My dh entertained the thought years ago (mostly based on money) and I told him never no way. But I don''t understand the children thing... he meant that much to me before we had kids and will after they''re gone.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Pool table??

 

[blackberry16]

I agree with everyone else. They are not a fair "trade". You want something pretty to celebrate a milestone in your relationship and he wants something that is very dangerous. I would go with no on this one. I do think he should get something fun to play with if you are getting a ring, but not a motorcycle. Things like that are deal breakers IMO. My DH was in flight school when we met but gave it up when we got married. He wants to go back to flying someday but I told him he has to wait until the future children are grown. He understands and respects my feelings about this type of issue. I would really resent it if he placed that kind of a deal on the table.
Our neighbor died riding his bike and never got to see his grandkids.

 

[junebug17]

Really big flat screen tv??

 

[marcy]

I'd vote no. My best friend from college was killed in a motorcycle accident - she wasn't being stupid; she startled a dear that tried to jump over her and hit her in the head and pushed her in to a pole. DH's friends have motorcycles and really bugged him and me for years for him to get one but I always said no. He found other toys and rarely brings it up anymore.

 

[swingirl]

If he just likes riding would he consider dirt biking? Much safer. You are on a one-way trail and wear protective gear on every part of your body. Little kids dirt bike. There are a lot of dirt bike and motocross parks in Southern California.

 

[October2008bride]

My husband has a motorcycle. He bought it before we were married (and well before we were engaged) when I didn''t think I could say "no" to it. I don''t ride it. However, he LOVES it. He is very careful and took lessons etc, but I know that it isn''t him that I worry about - it is the drivers who don''t look out for people on motorcycles. It is too easy to not see them in your blind spot etc.

However, in all honesty, he loves it far too much for me to just say no (even now). Not saying you say no or yes necessarily - just adding my experience. If your hubby is the type who wants a bike so bad that you think he will eventually get it anyways, then you may as well get an upgrade out of it.

On that point, I don''t think the ''strings'' are as bad as some people are making it out to be. My husband is sort of the same - not so much strings as the idea that if you are getting something non-practical that you love, then he should splurge for himself too. My husband would normally never splurge on himself. He is the practical one for sure and I could see him adding the splurge for him to the upgrade splurge for me, ya know?

Anyways, if you think saying no will actually stop him from riding a motorcycle then go for it. Wouldn''t have worked for me!

 

[Cehrabehra]

I asked my dh about this and he said, "You don''t want to hear my answer" lol - but I know him well enough that had I pressed I would have gotten a diatribe about autonomy blah blah blah - geez, these men think they should have a say about their lives! They''re so silly

 

[April20]

I have a friend who has wanted a motorcycle for years. He''s been begging his wife for years to let him have one. She''s always said NO. Well, she got a "toy" earlier this year, so what do you think he did? Yep, went and got the motorcycle. He''d had it, oh, about two weeks when I got a call on a Saturday morning. Someone had pulled out in front of him and he''d had to lay the bike down. He doesn''t have a truck anymore and needed some help. DH helped him haul the bike off to the shop where it''s been sitting for the last month.

Moral of my story? Your DH needs to get a different toy! Those things are dangerous not necessarily because of the rider, but because of other drivers who don''t give them ample room!!!

 

[Circe]

Woah, talk about two unrelated issues ....

1) There is the matter of an upgrade for you.

2) There is the matter of an expensive and also dangerous hobby for him.

Attempting to compare the two is a false equivalency.

Personally, I think motorcycles are really cool ... but I''m not allowed to get on one, EVER, because when I told my mom about how cool I thought they were as a teen, she said, "Yeah, my brother thought they were cool, too ... you know, the uncle you never met? Did I ever tell you that he died while riding a motorcycle, because a very large truck collided with his bike?" And then she made me promise to avoid them.

So, since I can''t have a motorcycle? My next dangerous hobby of choice would be shooting. My husband is vetoing this for all he is worth. It would be a tad disingenuous for me to say, "Hey, you know that robotic velociraptor you''ve been wanting? I say we should totally get that! And, oh, a Sig Sauer for me."

Bottom line: your husband needs to uncouple these two issues, and to listen to your feelings on this. Good luck!