Stranger Danger!

[fieryred33143]

How do you find the balance between teaching your child to be aware of strangers and to be social?

My daughter is still obviously young (17 months) but this has been on my mind recently. S is very afraid of people she doesn't know very well. She gets incredibly shy and hides behind me while trying to dig her head between my legs. She does this with everyone she doesn't know well. Last night my mom and brother came to visit. As soon as we opened the door, she started screaming and wouldn't stop crying for about an hour. It took her several more hours to warm up to them.

Lots of people tell me that this is a good thing because she won't easily go with "strangers." I suppose it can be a good thing but in my eyes, it also means she's a bit antisocial. I don't know whether being antisocial is a good thing or not. I was painfully shy growing up and would much prefer if she had an outgoing personality (not that I can control it but just stating my preference).

 

[janinegirly]

we've gone through this too- I wouldn't worry, she is young and obviously exposed mostly to you and FI,etc. so this is normal and to be expected! My DD has basically been with me, my mother, sister, DH 90% of her life (no daycare, nanny,etc) and also did not handle big family get togethers well. It was kind of embarrassing! I think it was the worst from 12-18mo's. Now at 2yrs she communicates and understands much more so it's a bit easier to explain things to her. She still frowns at new people or buries her head (or sometimes just turns around) but I know it's just because it's unknown and she's being shy. My DD is actually very social (much more than me!) and I can tell this by how she is around family - so it's just that it takes time and increased exposure to more people/situations and of course this will naturally occur as she gets older. Like you said this is a natural defense as is the progression to learning how to socialize and who to trust and when. I guess just don't worry and all you can do as a parent is expose her (over time) to more people while maintaning her sense of security (being nearby but encouraging her to move away from you too when in a room of new people/family). And if she still is shy, well then that's ok too! I think naturally shy people get a bad rap unfairly (but I digress .

 

[TravelingGal]

I haven't taught Amelia this yet. Haven't even researched it so I don't know what the "right" time to teach it is. But I am going to start pretty soon.

 

[MonkeyPie]

My mom always worries because Micah is the opposite - everyone is his friend and he likes everybody. It may take him awhile to smile and play with you, but he doesn't cry for strangers. He has started getting more clingy to his mommy lately ( ) and will cry when I walk away, but only for a moment and then he's over it and whoever is holding him is his friend again.

I don't know which is worse, but the thought of someone just making friends with my baby and walking away with him...oh God.

 

[qtiekiki]

Meena was and is still that way with people that she doesn't know well. They have their safe zone, people and environments. So when something out of the elements comes into their safe zone, they react. It's normal. To me, the fact that Sophia eventually warms up to the persons shows that she is not anti-social. And like janine said, even if she ends up being a shy person, it's not a bad thing.

 

[Bliss]

Awww, what a cutie!!!!! I'm reading a book called The Highly Sensitive Child just in case we have one... I was a very sensitive little girl who didn't like strangers and loved escaping into my world of books as a tot. Now, I'm a very outgoing person and have no issues speaking in public or meeting new people anywhere, anytime.

What helped me as a kid is that my parents never made me feel like being shy was "bad" and that helped a lot. They were never embarrassed if I wanted to be introverted among a crowd of new people and respected how I felt. They didn't force me or scold me ever for being a sensitive child. My mom just gently encouraged me a lot and exposed me to many different things to show me that NEW = FUN. That really helped me warm up to the idea of strangers and unfamiliar groups of people. I lost my shyness by the time I was in elementary school. Some kids take a little longer to warm up and I think the main thing is to watch *our* reactions to it. They pick up so much from us! Your little girl is the CUTEST, by the way!!! She looks very intelligent so this may be a factor - some (but not all, of course) highly intelligent kids can take a while to process everything before diving in.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I still have stranger danger. Haha. I think timidness with strangers is part of normal childhood development. My daughter always has had some shyness but she can be a flirt. I think going to daycare has helped open her up with other children. Now when we go to the park she makes "friends" with other kids and plays with them. I think kids learn a lot from modeling. If she sees you friendly, she will be more friendly.

 

[somethingshiny]

We're just going through this ourselves. JT is almost 5 and very flirty and talkative to EVERYONE! He's pretty cute and polite so adults often start conversations with him. Recently, we had a "strange" vehicle stalking the school down the block. I had to take JT aside and tell him that while it was great to be nice and kind to people, you have to be careful too. It was hard to explain to a 5 yr old that some people don't want to be nice to others. Some people want to take kids away from their homes. So, the way I explained it was "if you're with Mommy or Daddy you can talk to adults. If you're just with kids or by yourself, you may not talk to any adult. " When we're in a public situation, I'll point out who JT can talk to if he gets separated from us. That's as far aw we've gotten so far. It really is a difficult situation.

 

[Pandora II]

I have the opposite... whilst Daisy has always had really bad separation anxiety and will not go to other people she is very friendly and extrovert and talks to everyone. If we get on a bus or the tube she looks round, beams at everyone and says 'Hi hi' and then waves goodbye to everyone getting off at each stop.

For the moment I don't think it's the time to start explaining - she wouldn't understand, she's always with me and I'm glad that she is so sociable. She hates being touched by strangers so she'd scream the place down if anyone tried to pick her up at all.

Once she's about 4 I'd like her to have some understanding but I don't want to scare her unnecessarily.

 

[packrat]

I try to talk to London about it but she's so..I don't know..she's 7 this Tuesday. We talk about why I won't let her walk home from school (a classmate lives up the street and around the corner and he walks), and the importance of staying by us in stores, and what she should do if anyone were to ask her to go w/them or get in a car..but honestly when I look at her face as we're talking, she's just so trusting, even tho she's leery of other people, I can very much see someone saying "your mom is hurt, she wants me to bring you to the hospital" and she'd be scared, wondering what happened to me, and she would go.

Trapper is like a little politician, waving and smiling, cheesing out at babies. The boogeyman could come out of his closet and tell him to come w/him and he'd go.

I saw an episode of Oprah years and years ago, right when I was out of high school, about stranger danger. They had a set up thing at a park with these kids that had been talked to about strangers, and the parents were very positive their kids would never go w/anyone. They had the moms sit on a bench facing away, and the kids were playing, and then had an actor come talk to the kids and see if they would come. The moms waited, and then if the kid went w/the guy, he walked them down and around and back up to the mom, and when the mom saw them coming, she knew her kid had gone w/the stranger. Almost every single one of those kids went, some with out even looking back towards the mom, tho a couple did say "I have to ask mom", none of them freaked out or took off running. Most of the moms were crying, and even tho they knew it was controlled and the guy wasn't/wouldn't have run off w/their kids, they were really scared. They did some too, where the mom left the bench and the guy would say "Your mom is over here now, she asked me to bring you to her". I don't remember how old the kids were tho. Regardless, it scared me, even way back then, and it's something that's stuck w/me ever since.

 

[somethingshiny]

Oh, I forgot to add, we have a password too. JT knows he cannot go with anyone who doesn't know the password. No matter what they tell him about his family or a lost puppy or whatever, he knows they need the password. It's something silly that he remembers but wouldn't come up in random conversation. When I was a kid, our password was Horsefeathers.

 

[TheDoctor]

Brilliant...a password. No fear, just regular security.