Still can't help feeling like a bit of a jerk...

[tberube]

I got married two years ago and my cousin, E, was my maid of honor (and only bridesmaid). She's kind of infamous for being a little...unmotivated...and there were so many times I had to hold my tongue during the whole ordeal. She let her mother plan (and pay for) my entire bridal shower, never could find time to help me assemble invitations or anything for my tables, she bought her gown at the very last possible second. One of her friends was getting married two months before me, so she made it very clear that she was more focused on the other wedding.

One big example was my bachelorette party. It ended up being a total disaster. First, she asked me where I wanted to go. I said my #1 choice was P-town on the Cape...I've never been there and for the longest time I'd wanted to celebrate there. But I told her (to be nice), that I'd be okay going into Boston and having dinner and stuff, if none of my friends wanted to go to P-town (but, most of them already thought we were going there, they knew that's what I wanted). I gave her phone numbers and email addresses of all my closest friends, so she could consult with them and get their help (they were all so eager to help!). She never contacted a soul.

A couple of weeks before the party I dug a little..."So are we going to P-Town?" I asked her. Her answer: "Absolutely not." Her other bride friend's bachelorette party was in P-town already and it sounded like she just didn't feel like going back. Then, the day before the party she confessed that she'd never even planned anything at all!! So I called my dear friend, KeepingTheFaith, and she worked out the whole night for me, without any help from E. Of course, E got very upset and cried and made me feel horrible.

Now E is getting married, and her bachelorette party was last weekend. A month before, all the girls got together to plan something...we planned a big day out in Boston. I did all the research myself for hotels, spas, restaurants, wherever the MOH thought would be best. Then, two weeks before the scheduled date, E told the MOH where she really wanted to go for her bachelorette party. Yep, you guessed it: P-Town. They were dropping all the Boston plans I'd made, and booking a room in a P-town resort for the night. I was so desperately furious that I had to close my eyes for a minute, before texting KeepingTheFaith about what I'd just learned.

I respectfully declined going to the bachelorette party. I cited lack of funds (which, actually, is quite true, since the plans were rather exhorbitant and DH and I are saving hardcore to finally take our honeymoon). I also declined the invite to her second bridal shower, which was the day after the bachelorette party (I didn't understand why she had to have two bridal showers - the same people were invited to both of them, so it didn't make a whole lot of sense except to get more presents out of everyone).

I had thought I was doing my part as a bridesmaid - I designed, printed and assembled all her wedding invitations (250 people, 9 pieces each, on very expensive paper). I contributed to the first bridal shower, I got my dress one full year before the wedding, at her paranoid-driven request (she was worried the color would be discontinued...?).

But, to my chagrin, I received a thinly-veiled Facebook message yesterday from one of the other bridesmaids: "We are at E's shower, we had such a great weekend, it's a beautiful day - too bad you had a prior commitment." It just seemed bitchy and underhanded, and it has undone all of my best efforts at holding my resentment together about E and her over-indulgent, entitled ways. It took a lot of willpower not to let everyone else in the bridal party know how angry it made me that E gets everything she wants for her wedding, while I had to hastily do everything myself and receive no help from E for mine.

And, I can't help but feeling like an a$$, and looking like an a$$ to everyone now. Of course, I never said anything to anyone about what E did to me at my wedding, so to the family this would look like an enormous slight, coming out of the blue. But maybe I am a jerk...maybe I should have just sucked it up and gone to (at least part of) her bachelorette party. I dunno. I just didn't want to...

Thanks for listening - it feels good to get it out there. And BTW yes....I CAN take your opinions!

 

[Indylady]

Good for you for not going. HECK NO would I pay $$ to be miserable and have a bad time. I'd write back politely, saying, "I'm glad you all had a good time. See you at the wedding!" and leave it at that. I'm not sure that I'm taking that comment as an intentional snide remark, but rather possible as a puzzled comment.

Really though, you should have never agreed to being her bridesmaid as you seem resentful over her time as a bridesmaid. Sure, it sounds like you do have many reasons to be resentful, but you shouldn't have agreed to be her bridesmaid seeing as it doesn't seem like you actually like her.

 

[tberube]

Haha...IndyLady, thank you for your comment. E is family...you HAVE to love them, right? I agreed to be in her wedding because she IS family, and it didn't even occur to me to decline. Besides, I was over my resentment of her at the time (or so I thought).

And...aside from the messiness in this post, E and I actually do get along pretty well. But you're right if you think I must be terrible at confrontation, because I am.

 

[Tuckins1]

Honey, there is no way that I would have been caught at her shower or B party after that crap. Don't feel bad just because you are a strong person and aren't going to let someone treat you like crap and just put up with it. And the other girls are just being typical girls- catty and bi@#&y. Whatever. Hopefully you can still have a lovely time at her wedding!

 

[zoebartlett]

I think you did so much for E already, and I'd ignore the b!tchy comment from the other bridesmaid. I was wondering why you agreed to be in her wedding in the first place, but it looked like you mentioned why already. I would have done the same thing you did. You contributed and helped a lot already. It's way more than what E did for you.

 

[Gypsy]

You are not a jerk. If you get any more pointed remarks just say, "Ask E sometime about her plans for my B-party"... put E on the spot. Seriously! Over entitled and over indulged.

 

[yssie]

Seriously? You feel like bad.. why?

Having feelings and not letting E and co. walk all over you doesn't make you a jerk.

 

[lliang_chi]

I would really have no qualms about no going to either event. Just know you're doing your BM duties and whatever to the rest of them.

Good luck

 

[Cehrabehra]

Well, she's a jerk, no doubt about it... but ultimately I hold you responsible for making her your choice for such a special position and only maid... sounds like your other friend should have had that honored spot in the first place! Maybe she's just not a planner and it's unfortunate you picked her for that role.

I understand your resentment, but there's no need to stoop. If you enjoy this woman you should embrace her, faults and all... if you don't enjoy her I'm not sure why you're allowing yourself to be in such close proximity to her life. Being cousins doesn't mean you have to put each other in honored places in your lives... it just means if you happen to truly enjoy, like, and value the other it's bonus that you're family.

Laughing, being clear about things, putting your foot down about what you want in the first place... those are the things that could have helped this whole situation. Hopefully by her wedding you are feeling better about things

 

[Sabine]

She's definitely the jerk here, but at the same time, it's probably time to let the anger about your bparty go. YOU chose her as your ONLY BM, and I'm guessing you knew her personality beforehand, so your expectations of her were probably a bit too high from the get-go. Of course you deserved a stress and drama free bparty, but this girl just probably wasn't the best person to ask to plan it for you.

Don't feel about about what you've done/not done for her though...you've gone above and beyond, and although the other bm's might not get it and think you're slacking off a bit, you and SHE know the truth, so try not to let it get to you. And if you can't keep it from getting to you, speak up for yourself!