Sticky situation in my family re: wills/trusts, what to do?

[violet02]

My dad is going to change his will soon to be more specific as to who gets what.

Currently if he dies it all goes to my stepmother and vice versa. If he was to die, she would inherit everything and then subsequently leave all of it to her son. Same for my dad if she goes first. What my dad would like to do is insure that I''m provided for no matter what.

Now things are pretty rocky between the two of them. He''s been shouldering the monetary burden of my stepbrother who''s in debt to them in the tens of thousands and he has his own dad that he doesn''t even go to, he knows my dad has money so he heads for his mom who can''t say no. She doesn''t work anymore having quite awhile back to help my stepbrother start a business.

Anyways this whole thing has caused a lot of strain in their relationship. The D word has been thrown around in conversation as well.

My question is this:

I know my dad can establish a trust where I''m the sole beneficiary. He came into the marriage with money and has been the sole provider for most of the marriage including supporting her son who''s 37 now. If he starts to put money in a trust can she get at it? I assume no. I mean technically is this one of those ways people hide money so to speak? My dad doesnt want to leave anything to my stepbro as far as I know so I''m not sure how he''d go about it anyways.

 

[jmtomaui]

Violet, I can speak to much of this as my father remarried when my mother died. He too brought all of the money into the 2nd marriage. His first will was to be a simple 5 way split between stepmom and we 4 daughters. The daughters were ok with her receiving her share but somewhat bothered that if he died first, her share would ultimately go to her kids. (All kids were in their 30''s and independent when our parents got married).

If she dies first, anything she has in her name (and there are some small savings accounts) goes directly to her 2 kids. This is all good. My dad is in very good shape financially and does not want / need anything and doesn''t want to pay inheritance taxes.

We never said anything about it as G does love my dad and takes good care of him. And it was never "our" money to begin with so we had no automatic right to it.

A few years ago, my dad changed his will with G''s blessing. The house (it is fully paid for) will stay with G for as long as she can live there without needing care. One fifth of his estate will go into a trust for her and administered by my bro-in-law. She is welcome to use all of it for her expenses, whatever, as long as it is for her personal use and not to be put into private accounts. Part of his reasoning is that G''s mother lived til late 90''s and had to have nursing home care and if G''s mom (in our state) had any assets, the expenses to the nursing home would have been astronomical and the state could have taken her savings. This way, G has everything she needs for as long as she needs it but it won''t be taken from her to pay for substandard insurance and care or chewed up by inheritance taxes. Also, my bro-in-law can help her budget and make sure she is cared for all of her life.

When the time comes, the house will be sold and made a part of the estate. When G dies, anything left in the trust reverts to we 4 daughters. It provides for G all of her life but will not transfer to her adult children.

Another thing my dad has done is take out several agressive life insurance policies on himself that only the daughters are beneficiairies to. G knows all of this and is in complete agreement. This works for them. And the kids on either side of the marriage have always been responsible adults and are not dependent on our parents. Her kids are thrilled their mom is loved and will always be taken care of.

I know this is long. And does not address the question of the trust. I do not believe she can touch a trust but an attorney would need to answer that. I would have him look at insurance policies. And maybe a plan such as my parents now have in place? The stepmom is cared for, can''t hide too much for the stepbro, but you remain safe?? Or the trust is for her administered by an attorney that knows your dad''s wishes and will take good care of her and the trust but then it reverts to you?

Good luck with it!

 

[neatfreak]

State laws may vary but usually the point of a trust is that other people can''t get to it. If he specifically earmarks the money for you through a trust I don''t see how she could get to it...but I agree, best to consult an estate/trust lawyer.

We had to go through this for a medical trust for my uncle/grandmother and I know that no one else could touch THAT trust.

 

[D&T]

this is interesting. Thanks for starting this, as my FIL has too remarried, with all the money and real estate business, step MIL has three daughters and FIL''s side there are five kids, and we''re trying to figure out this for my DH''s father as "supposedly" we were to have control over the real estate/land side to manage (since we''re the ones with the background - when FIL should pass on) and still keep in the family but we think that the will has been changed- actually we know that the will has been changed that Step MIL has control over everything right now

, and FIL has not changed it back. so We''re a little worried, Thanks for sharing everyone your info, really helps.

 

[violet02]

My stepmom and Dad have been married for 20 years.

It sounds like your stepmom had assets in her own name, and your dad as well, correct? I think my dad allowed my stepmom to add her name to all of the assests. I assume since this is the case he can''t do anything with them without her agreeing to it. I assume if they were both to die at the same time my stepbrother and I would split everything.

Is there a way for my dad to put money in a trust though? Since it''s all in their name I''m thinking my stepmother can block this. What about the 12k a year gift that parents can give to kids without incurring inheritance tax, is that possible?

With things in both names I''m not sure it''s doable without my dad having to put money in a trust for my stepbro as well.

 

[violet02]

Date: 8/19/2009 11:25:20 AM
Author: neatfreak
State laws may vary but usually the point of a trust is that other people can''t get to it. If he specifically earmarks the money for you through a trust I don''t see how she could get to it...but I agree, best to consult an estate/trust lawyer.


We had to go through this for a medical trust for my uncle/grandmother and I know that no one else could touch THAT trust.

What if the money is in a joint bank acct in her name as well? I assume he can''t just move the money out into a trust without her permission?

 

[violet02]

Date: 8/19/2009 11:26:56 AM
Author: D&T
this is interesting. Thanks for starting this, as my FIL has too remarried, with all the money and real estate business, step MIL has three daughters and FIL''s side there are five kids, and we''re trying to figure out this for my DH''s father as ''supposedly'' we were to have control over the real estate/land side to manage (since we''re the ones with the background - when FIL should pass on) and still keep in the family but we think that the will has been changed- actually we know that the will has been changed that Step MIL has control over everything right now

, and FIL has not changed it back. so We''re a little worried, Thanks for sharing everyone your info, really helps.

Here''s what I do know from a friend that''s a wills/trust lawyer. Wills aren''t very legally binding in your case. Your FIL could change the will to leave it all to your DH and you when he dies but if your Step MIL is still alive she can contest that will as his wife and probably overturn it. As far as I know setting up a trust with you as the benificiary is the most sure way to make sure you will inherit what you should.

 

[rainwood]

Violet -

If your father is going to be changing his estate plan, presumably he will be going to see his lawyer for that. Like divorce, trusts and estates are mostly governed by state law, which varies from state to state. All of these questions need to be directed by your father to your father''s lawyer. No one here can give you accurate answers.

 

[violet02]

Date: 8/19/2009 12:01:24 PM
Author: rainwood
Violet -

If your father is going to be changing his estate plan, presumably he will be going to see his lawyer for that. Like divorce, trusts and estates are mostly governed by state law, which varies from state to state. All of these questions need to be directed by your father to your father''s lawyer. No one here can give you accurate answers.

True but there are definitely (see above) some folks who have similar issues that can share their experiences. Currently my dad needs to a) get a lawyer and b) try to figure out what some options might be without having to deal with my stepmother. He generally turns to me for suggestions so I was trying to see what he might be able to do.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Be sure your dad sees a good attorney. My best friend is contesting a will because when her dad was dying of cancer and heavily medicated, he changed his will - under the influence and pressure of the step mother - and now it's turned into a huge disaster! Witnesses lying, etc. The amount of the estate is at least $1.5 million. Already the battle has been going on for 1 1/2 years.

ETA - If you ever have a will drawn up (as your own personal estate), never have your spouse and that person's friends be witnesses because who knows what they'll come back with if you die. Common sense, you'd think.

 

[jmtomaui]

Date: 8/19/2009 3:55:00 PM
Author: violet02

Date: 8/19/2009 12:01:24 PM
Author: rainwood
Violet -

If your father is going to be changing his estate plan, presumably he will be going to see his lawyer for that. Like divorce, trusts and estates are mostly governed by state law, which varies from state to state. All of these questions need to be directed by your father to your father''s lawyer. No one here can give you accurate answers.

True but there are definitely (see above) some folks who have similar issues that can share their experiences. Currently my dad needs to a) get a lawyer and b) try to figure out what some options might be without having to deal with my stepmother. He generally turns to me for suggestions so I was trying to see what he might be able to do.

Of course rainwood is right, an attorney is needed. As you do recognize Violet. If there is anything to be somewhat thankful for in all of this dark cloud - if your dad can''t take money out of the accounts to put into trust for you, she won''t be able to take any funds for a trust for her son either. And that gives everyone time to evaluate options and do what is right.

If nothing else Violet, I hope that some of us sharing our experiences help you feel assured that you are not alone in your feelings of frustration and concern for your dad but that there are avenues that HIS attorney can explore for your dad. I do recommend he not use an attorney that they use as a couple as there could be a conflict of interest. My grandfather was a state supreme justice so we heard some cases of less than scrupulous attorneys. Not to disrespect attorneys - I have 3 in the family so know how great they are. Just to be aware that in all professions, there will be some "bad apples" in the bin.

Good luck with it all. It sounds like your dad wants to do what is best for you and for his wife (as she might need) and will find a way to do so without supporting the stepson.

 

[jmtomaui]

Date: 8/19/2009 11:29:50 AM
Author: violet02
My stepmom and Dad have been married for 20 years.

It sounds like your stepmom had assets in her own name, and your dad as well, correct? I think my dad allowed my stepmom to add her name to all of the assests. I assume since this is the case he can''t do anything with them without her agreeing to it. I assume if they were both to die at the same time my stepbrother and I would split everything.

Is there a way for my dad to put money in a trust though? Since it''s all in their name I''m thinking my stepmother can block this. What about the 12k a year gift that parents can give to kids without incurring inheritance tax, is that possible?

With things in both names I''m not sure it''s doable without my dad having to put money in a trust for my stepbro as well.

My dad and stepmom have been married for 20 years also. G did have some small accounts / IRAs in her name that are still in her name. Most of my dad''s assets are in his name as he brought them into the marriage. Those are all in his name. They do have a joint checking account that he provides and always maintains a fixed balance for utilities, bills, vacations, etc. She gets to keep / use her social security retirement funds as she wishes and I assume this goes into life insurance or trusts for her kids.

As hard as the marriage was in the beginning on us, we did get very lucky that G is loving and kind and would not want to hurt us or my dad. I hope that is true for you Violet and any others sharing their stories.

 

[violet02]

Date: 8/19/2009 5:03:28 PM
Author: jmtomaui

Date: 8/19/2009 11:29:50 AM
Author: violet02
My stepmom and Dad have been married for 20 years.

It sounds like your stepmom had assets in her own name, and your dad as well, correct? I think my dad allowed my stepmom to add her name to all of the assests. I assume since this is the case he can''t do anything with them without her agreeing to it. I assume if they were both to die at the same time my stepbrother and I would split everything.

Is there a way for my dad to put money in a trust though? Since it''s all in their name I''m thinking my stepmother can block this. What about the 12k a year gift that parents can give to kids without incurring inheritance tax, is that possible?

With things in both names I''m not sure it''s doable without my dad having to put money in a trust for my stepbro as well.

My dad and stepmom have been married for 20 years also. G did have some small accounts / IRAs in her name that are still in her name. Most of my dad''s assets are in his name as he brought them into the marriage. Those are all in his name. They do have a joint checking account that he provides and always maintains a fixed balance for utilities, bills, vacations, etc. She gets to keep / use her social security retirement funds as she wishes and I assume this goes into life insurance or trusts for her kids.

As hard as the marriage was in the beginning on us, we did get very lucky that G is loving and kind and would not want to hurt us or my dad. I hope that is true for you Violet and any others sharing their stories.

You''re very lucky in that regard. My stepmother is a very passive agressive unhappy person. We were at my stepbro''s wedding this weekend and she did her best to be as miserable as possible on the wedding day leading up to the ceremony. My dad has definitely considered talking to a lawyer about a lot more than this will/trust issue. But we''ll see how things go over the next couple of months. Suffice to say we have a very tense family situation most of the time.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

This is a great thread, and something I'd like to understand. Thank you for starting it Violet.

My Father's Father remarried after my Grandmother passed away in the mid 1970s, and they were married for 20+ years before he passed away. He had set aside money for each of his sons, but had left guardianship of everything to my Step-Grandmother, who somehow accessed the funds my grandfather had earmarked for his sons. Planning just wasn't done, and now that money is no longer in the accounts, and everything plus the house will go to my Step-Grandmother's children when she passes. I'd have no problem with this if my Step-Grandmother's children weren't losers who had always failed throughout their lives and asked my Step-Grandmother and Grandfather to bail them out (literally in many cases) time and time again. My Father has received nothing from his Father's estate. All of my Grandmother's jewelry is missing, too, and I suspect my Step-Grandmother's side of the family must have cleaned it out.

I see the same thing happening with my FIL. My FIL's wife is a lovely woman, and I love her dearly, but she has a daughter who has a history of making terrible decisions and will fritter everything away if provisions aren't made. My DH isn't keen on taking a stand in that case, as he doesn't want to seem greedy, but I don't think he understands the reality of the situation, and quite honestly, it also makes me feel greedy to be more concerned over this than he is.

 

[D&T]

Date: 8/19/2009 5:42:47 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
This is a great thread, and something I''d like to understand. Thank you for starting it Violet.

My Father''s Father remarried after my Grandmother passed away in the mid 1970s, and they were married for 20+ years before he passed away. He had set aside money for each of his sons, but had left guardianship of everything to my Step-Grandmother, who somehow accessed the funds my grandfather had earmarked for his sons. Planning just wasn''t done, and now that money is no longer in the accounts, and everything plus the house will go to my Step-Grandmother''s children when she passes. I''d have no problem with this if my Step-Grandmother''s children weren''t losers who had always failed throughout their lives and asked my Step-Grandmother and Grandfather to bail them out (literally in many cases) time and time again. My Father has received nothing from his Father''s estate. All of my Grandmother''s jewelry is missing, too, and I suspect my Step-Grandmother''s side of the family must have cleaned it out.

I see the same thing happening with my FIL. My FIL''s wife is a lovely woman, and I love her dearly, but she has a daughter who has a history of making terrible decisions and will fritter everything away if provisions aren''t made. My DH isn''t keen on taking a stand in that case, as he doesn''t want to seem greedy, but I don''t think he understands the reality of the situation, and quite honestly, it also makes me feel greedy to be more concerned over this than he is.

totally agree and in the same boat with you! I''m more mad for my DH than he is, he doesn''t really care if his step siblings get the "money" part, but the real estate/land that his grandfather has built up is what perturbs him the most, as this is supposed to passed down to the kids "blood line" so to speak and it is a form of income producing - and supposed to stay in the family, not sold off in shares But with the step siblings and step MIL (though I do like, however when it comes to money - you know all H%$^ breaks loose) who knows what they will do to it

 

[violet02]

In my situation there isn''t any land or houses that i''d want to hang on to. It''s mainly money. I have the same problem too, I don''t want to sound greedy or whatever but I really think it''s important that wills, trusts or whatever get worked out. I had a friend who''s dad died with no will and stuffed his mattress with money. They had no clue where any of his assets were and it was a long drawn out mess between him and his siblings that lasted months into years.

I know it will be a mess if both my stepmother and my dad go at the same time. It will be a battle between my stepbrother and I for sure. A few years back we thought my dad had a brain tumor, it turned out to be a brain lesion, but it definitely caused some damage to him for awhile. We weren''t sure what was going to happen with him so the four of us got together to discuss the will. My dad was ill at the time so he wasn''t up for any sort of fight. My stepbrother tried to get in my face about the fact that his mom needed to be provided for and that''s that. I told him to step off basically since my dad is my only parent left. He''s lucky to have his dad out there too. The real insult was my stepmother offered to adopt me if that would make me feel better and her and my stepbrother tried to reassure me i''d still be invited to xmas and such. I''m in my 30''s for pete''s sake!

I just dont understand why it''s so hard to work these things out. I truly think my dad is just hedging his bets that she''ll go before him, so he doesn''t have to deal with the confrontation.

 

[kenny]

I think wills should be kept secret till the person dies and the will is read.
Revealing the contents before death distorts relationships.
I can't tell you how many times I have heard of a parent threatening to cut a kid out of the will if he marries that girl or moves to Chicago, or whatever.

This is disgusting to me.
Your power over your kids stops at age 18.

Also, a person is 100% free to bequeath their money to Bill Gates, that homeless man on the corner, Obama, Sarah Palin, Boy George, the Catholic church, Al-Qaeda, or to buy a bucket of large natural fancy vivid blue flawless diamonds that are dumped into the deepest ocean if they want to.
You have no right to anyone's legacy.

Kids feeling they are entitled to, or have ANY say in, their parents will is as disgusting as parents using their money to manipulate the kids.

 

[violet02]

Date: 8/19/2009 6:47:31 PM
Author: kenny
I think wills should be kept secret till the person dies and the will is read.
Revealing the contents before death distorts relationships.
I can''t tell you how many times I have heard of a parent threatening to cut a kid out of the will if he marries that girl or moves to Chicago, or whatever.

This is disgusting to me.
Your power over your kids stops at age 18.

Also, a person is 100% free to bequeath their money to Bill Gates, that homeless man on the corner, Obama, Sarah Palin, Boy George, the Catholic church, Al-Qaeda, or to buy a bucket of large natural fancy vivid blue flawless diamonds that are dumped into the deepest ocean if they want to.
You have no right to anyone''s legacy.

Kids feeling they are entitled to, or have ANY say in, their parents will is as disgusting as parents using their money to manipulate the kids.

This isn''t about entitlement. I don''t think my dad HAS to give me all of his money at all. What I do know is that he would like to will it to me when he''s gone and that''s where we''re at. Trying to figure out what to do in this particular situation.

Wills are tricky things and can be definitely be contested. I think if my dad left all of his money to the dog maybe I''d feel better than seeing it go to my greedy stepmother and stepbrother. I guess you could say my stepbrother at least feels entitled. As his wife my stepmother is entitled to their shared assets. I''m not contesting that at all.

On another note, my lawyer friend said one way to get around some of the issues is to have the parent gift you a down payment on a house or land or something while they are still alive. Then what''s yours is yours if they choose to give it to you. No need to squabble over a will later on.

 

[jmtomaui]

Date: 8/19/2009 6:47:31 PM
Author: kenny
I think wills should be kept secret till the person dies and the will is read.
Revealing the contents before death distorts relationships.
I can''t tell you how many times I have heard of a parent threatening to cut a kid out of the will if he marries that girl or moves to Chicago, or whatever.

This is disgusting to me.
Your power over your kids stops at age 18.

Also, a person is 100% free to bequeath their money to Bill Gates, that homeless man on the corner, Obama, Sarah Palin, Boy George, the Catholic church, Al-Qaeda, or to buy a bucket of large natural fancy vivid blue flawless diamonds that are dumped into the deepest ocean if they want to.
You have no right to anyone''s legacy.

Kids feeling they are entitled to, or have ANY say in, their parents will is as disgusting as parents using their money to manipulate the kids.

We never said anything about it as G does love my dad and takes good care of him. And it was never "our" money to begin with so we had no automatic right to it.

Kenny, I don''t think you read anyone''s response very carefully. I highlighted the section from my original post that stated up front that none of my sisters or I have ever wanted my dad''s hard earned money. We always urge him to spend it all travelling, having fun, so that he can enjoy his retirement. He worked so very hard for it. He is the one that refuses to spend frivously as he wants to leave us all something to make our retirements easier. His call - not ours. He has told us that he recognizes that we helped him earn his salary when we, as kids, could help with yardwork, dog care, chores so that when he came home at night, he and my mom could play with us or just relax rather than have to work a "second" job at home.

No one else on this post has asked for, insisted on, felt entitled to their parents'' money.

Violet''s father reached out to her.

D&T and Lauren are not asking for money for their husbands. D&T is looking for ways to protect a family business they have been actively involved in and is a source of future income for them. They could care less about the cash. Lauren has had experience in missing family heirlooms and is looking to make sure the memories from heirlooms are kept in the "birth" family for her husband. Money cannot replace "memories" but a special watch can sure help bring them back...

You also are not taking into account that as parents age, they can lose some of their sensibility and become vulnerable to other''s influences in ways that could leave the parent in a tough spot not being able to care for themselves financially. If an unscrupulous trophy spouse swindled an aged parent out of their life savings, why was there no one around to help see the trouble and help to "save" the parent? I don''t know about you Kenny, but from what I am hearing from these posters, they are looking for their fathers'' interests before it is too late.

Without living in any of the posters'' shoes, I don''t feel you have a right to judge...

 

[D&T]

Very well written Jmtomaui

, and thank you for understanding the situation, like Jmtomaui said, we are just trying to protect the family business that was started way before Step MIL has ever been in the picture and belongs to my DH''s grandfather that has passed away years ago. We are certain that FIL may probably pass on before Step MIL (his health condition and the family history on the men''s side has not shown otherwise) Just as I would like to take care of my children and make sure that certain things stay in the family and hopefully I will have things in order to do so when that time comes.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Jmtomaui, thank you for your response, it's much appreciated. D&T and Violet - again, thank you for your posts.

Date: 8/19/2009 6:47:31 PM
Author: kenny
I think wills should be kept secret till the person dies and the will is read.
Revealing the contents before death distorts relationships.
I can't tell you how many times I have heard of a parent threatening to cut a kid out of the will if he marries that girl or moves to Chicago, or whatever.

This is disgusting to me.
Your power over your kids stops at age 18.

Also, a person is 100% free to bequeath their money to Bill Gates, that homeless man on the corner, Obama, Sarah Palin, Boy George, the Catholic church, Al-Qaeda, or to buy a bucket of large natural fancy vivid blue flawless diamonds that are dumped into the deepest ocean if they want to.
You have no right to anyone's legacy.

Kids feeling they are entitled to, or have ANY say in, their parents will is as disgusting as parents using their money to manipulate the kids.

Kenny, I sincerely hope you never find yourself in a situation where meaningful heirlooms that have been promised to you are somehow "lost" due to poor planning and if you do, I dare you to not be heartbroken and proactive about preventing it.

When he was still lucid, my Grandfather promised a small, inexpensive gold necklace with a locket that held a picture of my great grand parents and a lock of my Grandfather's hair (from around the time he was 23) to be passed down to me when he passed away. I never met my Grandmother, and she died tragically young at 54 after fighting with melanoma for 12+ years. My grandparents were both immigrants from Spain (independently of each other) and it was the ONE piece of jewelry she didn't sell to buy her ticket here. It was all I ever wanted from my Grandparents estate, and it's hopelessly lost.

I had an epiphany one day that my family's lack of heirlooms from my paternal side is one of the reasons I've started collecting my own meaningful jewelry pieces. I don't want a granddaughter (or daughter) of mine to feel that it's her duty to ensure she receives something that was proactively bequeathed to her by me.

 

[violet02]

Ditto, thanks for writing that Jmtomaui. I don''t think I could have put it that well.

Honestly in my situation yes it does involve cash but as jmtomaui said my dad reached out to me and has expressed to me what he''d like to do and definitely what he does not want to do. So I''m just trying to figure out a way to help him. I mean he could establish a trust with me as the beneficiary and spend every cent in it for all I care as long as he''s able to protect his assets from the people he needs to.

 

[cara]

Date: 8/19/2009 6:47:31 PM
Author: kenny
I think wills should be kept secret till the person dies and the will is read.

Revealing the contents before death distorts relationships.

I can''t tell you how many times I have heard of a parent threatening to cut a kid out of the will if he marries that girl or moves to Chicago, or whatever.


This is disgusting to me.

Your power over your kids stops at age 18.


Also, a person is 100% free to bequeath their money to Bill Gates, that homeless man on the corner, Obama, Sarah Palin, Boy George, the Catholic church, Al-Qaeda, or to buy a bucket of large natural fancy vivid blue flawless diamonds that are dumped into the deepest ocean if they want to.

You have no right to anyone''s legacy.


Kids feeling they are entitled to, or have ANY say in, their parents will is as disgusting as parents using their money to manipulate the kids.

Revealing the contents beforehand can be critical to the survivors accepting the the will rather than contesting it. If they are surprised by something, in their grief they may decide to sue or fight with the other heirs. If instead they had *years* to process the will''s contents, to ask questions about the various particulars rather than having it sprung on them, one can at least hope they will take it better.

As to the idea that people can do whatever they want with their money, to some extent I agree but many people spell out their final disposition of assets in something less than their best mental state.

Its pretty clear that people can have long, slow declines in mental functioning as they age. Dementia can start eating away at one''s mental abilities but the person may be able to cover it up and compensate and five years can pass before serious life functions might be affected. Even then it can be another five years before the situation gets so dangerous that the person no longer has their own power of attorney. So in total, for 10 years you have a more or less demented person that can write or rewrite their will or trust documents and in the process they might inadvertently obliterate what they wanted to do when they were of sounder mind. Of course people can *change* minds but sometimes it is not at all clear that that is what they intended to do. Or they include provisions that are illogical. Or they are susceptible to the pressures and persuasions of certain people when they are vulnerable and sign things that they really don''t agree with at all.

 

[rainwood]

Violet -

I don''t want to sound like a broken record, but you''re going about this backwards. Your efforts would be best spent helping your father find a good trust & estates lawyer if he doesn''t already have one. If your lawyer friend has recommendations, that would be a good place to start. You don''t need to know the specifics of how to do something, your father just needs to know what his goals are and be able to tell the lawyer what he wants to achieve. The lawyer will know ALL the possible ways to accomplish what your father wants to do as well as the tax/marital implications of each. It might be a trust, it might be designating you as a the beneficiary of a 401(k) or IRA account, it might be giving his wife a life interest in their house then it reverts to you, it might be a lot of different things. You don''t have to have that figured out in advance. Your father does need to have copies of his previous estate planning documents, be able to explain his assets, liabilities and situation, and tell the lawyer all of his goals, including I want my daughter, Violet, to have $_________. Our estate planning lawyer did this by giving us a worksheet to fill out that helped directed our thinking and identify our goals. The lawyer can take it from there.

Estate planning is complicated, especially when second families are involved. I''m a lawyer and I didn''t even try to sort out all the options. We just made sure we were clear on our goals and the lawyer then discussed with us the various ways to do that, including the pros and cons of each. That''s what your father needs too.

 

[violet02]

Date: 8/19/2009 9:43:59 PM
Author: rainwood
Violet -

I don''t want to sound like a broken record, but you''re going about this backwards. Your efforts would be best spent helping your father find a good trust & estates lawyer if he doesn''t already have one. If your lawyer friend has recommendations, that would be a good place to start. You don''t need to know the specifics of how to do something, your father just needs to know what his goals are and be able to tell the lawyer what he wants to achieve. The lawyer will know ALL the possible ways to accomplish what your father wants to do as well as the tax/marital implications of each. It might be a trust, it might be designating you as a the beneficiary of a 401(k) or IRA account, it might be giving his wife a life interest in their house then it reverts to you, it might be a lot of different things. You don''t have to have that figured out in advance. Your father does need to have copies of his previous estate planning documents, be able to explain his assets, liabilities and situation, and tell the lawyer all of his goals, including I want my daughter, Violet, to have $_________. Our estate planning lawyer did this by giving us a worksheet to fill out that helped directed our thinking and identify our goals. The lawyer can take it from there.

Estate planning is complicated, especially when second families are involved. I''m a lawyer and I didn''t even try to sort out all the options. We just made sure we were clear on our goals and the lawyer then discussed with us the various ways to do that, including the pros and cons of each. That''s what your father needs too.

What you''re saying makes sense and it helps my friend is a wills/trusts lawyer except he''s in CA and my dad is in VA. He realizes he needs to find a good lawyer but we were mulling around ways to work through what looks to be a potentially ugly battle. He definitely needs to find out the best plan from an attorney for sure. I feel that talking to him about it more helps his resolve to finally go do something about it. I told my dad I am not working and am willing to come out there to help him with whatever he may need for the time being whether it''s quality time, support, helping him do things like get a good lawyer whatever. I just want to make sure my dad is ok.

 

[jmtomaui]

Violet, your love and care for your father are so very obvious and it is heartwarming.

Can your attorney friend, or his firm, recommend an attorney or firm in VA that you could reach out to and ask for a consultation? Firms frequently can make referrals as the world of law is usually quite knowledgeable about what others can offer in the same fields (ie wills and estate planning) You may want / need to "interview" a couple of attorneys to find one you are comfortable with but this is why they offer short consultations that are often free.

If you could set up an appointment or 2 for your dad and fly out to attend the appointments also, I think you will feel much better about everything. You will know that he is in good hands and that he will be able to make good decisions based on what he wants to see happen and what the state of VA will allow from a legal standpoint.

If I had to guess, much of your fear and confusion stems from not physically being there. You read emails or hear telephone calls from him but you worry you are not seeing the whole picture. That there is more to worry about. You worry if he is getting sick? If the stepmom is not treating him well? My dad is only a state (and 4 hour drive) away so I can pop in and see him somewhat easily if I want / need to. That gives me some comfort you may not have?

Whether you can set up attorney visits or just want to see him and give him a huge hug to reduce your worry, I think a visit would do you both good. Know that many of us are "in the same boat" as you are and we support you in whatever you need to do.

 

[violet02]

Date: 8/20/2009 9:14:14 AM
Author: jmtomaui
Violet, your love and care for your father are so very obvious and it is heartwarming.

Can your attorney friend, or his firm, recommend an attorney or firm in VA that you could reach out to and ask for a consultation? Firms frequently can make referrals as the world of law is usually quite knowledgeable about what others can offer in the same fields (ie wills and estate planning) You may want / need to ''interview'' a couple of attorneys to find one you are comfortable with but this is why they offer short consultations that are often free.

If you could set up an appointment or 2 for your dad and fly out to attend the appointments also, I think you will feel much better about everything. You will know that he is in good hands and that he will be able to make good decisions based on what he wants to see happen and what the state of VA will allow from a legal standpoint.

If I had to guess, much of your fear and confusion stems from not physically being there. You read emails or hear telephone calls from him but you worry you are not seeing the whole picture. That there is more to worry about. You worry if he is getting sick? If the stepmom is not treating him well? My dad is only a state (and 4 hour drive) away so I can pop in and see him somewhat easily if I want / need to. That gives me some comfort you may not have?

Whether you can set up attorney visits or just want to see him and give him a huge hug to reduce your worry, I think a visit would do you both good. Know that many of us are ''in the same boat'' as you are and we support you in whatever you need to do.

My dad is so passive in terms of standing up for himself sometimes but he''s finally making that step (this week I believe) in confronting my stepmother about her treatment of him and the way she''s handled their finances and her dependant son. My dad lives all the way across the country from me so it''s so hard to know if he''s okay sometimes. I just saw him last weekend at a wedding though so that helped. Now that I''m not working right now I am tempted to go out there to be with him but it depends on how things go with my stepmother. I really don''t want to fly out there and get in the middle of their business but I will be there to support him if he asks me too. My dad was sick a few years back which caused a lot of angst but he''s better now. My dad knows so well that he needs to do something about his situation. If I may seem like I have a lot of angst take that x 10 and that''s what he has. He more than anything doesn''t want he leaves behind to go to the wrong people so it''s up to him to do something about it.

Thanks so much for your support it means a lot.

 

[jmtomaui]

You will always have our support Violet! And I will be offering up special thoughts and prayers for your dad to find the path to do what he wants / needs to do to be comfortable with his decisions to care for you.