Stealing Your Thunder!

[EyeElle]

Hi everyone.

I have a question to ask all of you.
My brother just recently got engaged

(so happy for him!!) And I myself am a LIW .... but what if it happens sooner then I thought it would?

I feel bad getting engaged close to his engagement because I feel like I would be stealing his thunder, his time in the spot light, and his enjoyment altogether.

So this is the question I have for you all: How much time should a person wait before proposing, knowing that someone close to them just got engaged?
How much time should you give them before you announce your own engagement? 1 month? 5 months? ... maybe just a few weeks? or does it even matter?

I would absolutely love some feeback, any and all opinions are wanted!
Thank you in advance!!

 

[musey]

Well, firstly, you shouldn''t necessarily put your plans on hold regardless of the people around you. You''ve gotta live your life for you--to a point, of course.

That said, some people really enjoy having the spotlight for awhile. I admit that I was sort of dreading it, but it actually was really sweet and enjoyable to see how happy people were for us. My brother got engaged during our engagement, and set his date for just a couple of months after mine. It''s caused some problems with far-away relatives, having to choose between the two weddings... but other than that, I don''t notice any ''thunder'' being stolen

(now, the fact that he framed his marriage as a competition against mine, is a whole different story! Avoid that, if possible!!)

You know your brother, and you know whether or not he''d be bothered by any certain time frame--at least better than we would. Hopefully he would just be happy for you, and perhaps even enjoy getting share with you the experience of planning a wedding. If you feel, though, that he really needs to have his own time before you start in on your own wedding, then it is certainly good to consider his feelings and delay a bit.

In the end, there''s (almost always

) enough excitement/happiness/thunder to go around.

 

[LaraOnline]

One month sounds sufficient to me. He''s family, it''s more the merrier (although your poor parents might have trouble coping. maybe one wedding every six months would be fairer on them, depending on who''s stumping up for what...

 

[EyeElle]

Musey - Thank you so much for your reply. It is nice to know that others are in similar situations. You did raise a very good point that I didn''t even consider and that is family. My family is from out of town too (Europe infact) and they will also have to choose between the two weddings. Thank you so much for bringing that up!!

LaraOnline - My parents are only helping us with a little bit, so it wont be a bit ordeal for them (thankfully



I will have to talk to him about it. But to be honest I think he would be perfectly happy no matter what the timeline is, its his fiance that might have an issue. But I don''t want to get ahead of myself, but it is always a good idea to think of all the options before hand so that when it does happen, your brain doesn''t explod from stress and worry haha

Thanks again to you both

 

[Sangrona]

Hello!

I''ve recently experienced this as FIVE of our friends were all engaged within weeks of each other last spring. While I was thrilled for most of them, I couldn''t help the green monster that screamed at me that I''ve been dating (much less lving with!) SO longer, blah, blah, blah...

Then, I (or rather SO) calmed myself down and reminded me that I should be enjoying their happiness as they are my loved ones. He also pointed out, that the good thing is that while we have to divvy up our attention among five engaged couples over the next year (two of our friends are getting married on back to back weekends in march)...when we finally get engaged and plan OUR wedding, we will have ALL of their undivided attention....and that made me remember why I want to marry him.

Those are my 0.02 cents

 

[Cynd33]

Hi EyeElle,

I recently have been through an engagement season!!

In total, including myself, there have been 4 engagements in the past 4 weeks all within 1 week of each other! the most recent was my FI''s elder brother who just gave us the good news two days ago! (just for reference, my FI and I were engaged on the 11th October)... as far as ''stealing the thunder'' i always thought i was the centre of attention type of girl and would hate that someone else was stealing my limelight (selfish i know

) but its actually been really exciting to have my friends and family sharing the joy and excitement!!

My best friend was engaged a week before me, now my future sister in law is engaged and there is no jealousy or animosity, just genuine love and happiness that we get to share the special moment together!! i don''t think there need be a waiting period, everyone should do things when its right for them, if it happens to be close to someone elses'' schedule well then more bubbly to go ''round

 

[LaraOnline]

Actually just to chime on in this thread once more, one of my best friends actually had a joint wedding with her sister! They were featured in a local women''s magazine for their trouble, as well!
By all accounts, they both had a lovely time, and it really did double their fun. But, as it is your brother that is getting married, not a sister, I guess it would take a special kind of ''good sport'' sister in law to enjoy a similar event.
You could always try getting married one after the other, or a day (or two) after the other, if you''ve got family in Europe who have to travel out!

 

[Deelight]

I recently got engaged and if my FSIL or sister announced she was getting engaged as well I would be over the moon , nothing like having another bride-to-be to plan weddings with.

The more the merrier I say .

 

[Carrots]

Date: 10/31/2008 2:57:29 AM
Author: Deelight
I recently got engaged and if my FSIL or sister announced she was getting engaged as well I would be over the moon , nothing like having another bride-to-be to plan weddings with.


The more the merrier I say .

congrats!

 

[Haven]

I agree with the other posters who wrote "the more the merrier".

I never understood the "stealing my thunder" argument, anyway. It''s not as if your friends have a limited store of happiness that has to be divided up amongst the recently engaged. And it is a lot of fun to plan a wedding when others are doing the same.

Can''t wait to hear all about your future nuptials!

 

[BlueSki231]

Date: 11/3/2008 1:55:20 PM
Author: Haven
I agree with the other posters who wrote ''the more the merrier''.


I never understood the ''stealing my thunder'' argument, anyway. It''s not as if your friends have a limited store of happiness that has to be divided up amongst the recently engaged. And it is a lot of fun to plan a wedding when others are doing the same.


Can''t wait to hear all about your future nuptials!

I agree.. I really don''t understand why people even make an issue of this.

To me there is no such thing as "stealing the thunder"
where did this "one at a time" rule come from?!?! I mean, anyone who gets mad at you or resents you for getting engaged around the same time they did has serious issues in my opinion...

I mean, be tactful about it - don''t go announcing your engagement at their engagement party.. or go stealing the mic from the DJ at their wedding to make the announcement.

Otherwise I''d say it''s a free-for-all. No reason to postpone your life/plans just because of what other people are planning.

 

[MissDimity]

This happened to us as well, my bf''s elder brother proposed 1 month before my bf intended to propose to me.

However they had a very short engagement (5 months). We were thinking of getting engaged in this time, but were worried about stealing there thunder, however now when we do get engaged, we have the spotlight to ourselves rather than it being shared.

Also, my bf''s parents financially contributed quite a lot to their wedding, and it has been quite an emotional and anxious experience for them, as they helped with the arrangements ( supply alcohol and cake). That I think the idea of two weddings at once would have bombarded them.

However, saying that I have a friend whose sister has been engaged for 3 years, and (my friend) would be engaged now if they had had a shorter engagement, however she also doesn''t want to steal her older sister''s thunder.

I think it depends on length of time of your brother''s engagement? If he is an elder brother?

Traditionally it is bad luck if a younger sibling is married before the eldest child. However you can reverse the bad luck, if the elder sibling dances barefoot at the younger child''s wedding. ( Just a bit of trivia- never seen this happen though)

 

[ithinkimgonnapuke]

First off, I hope I''m not stealing the parent poster''s thunder by throwing my own question in here (oh, the irony!), but this seemed like an appropriate place to bring my dilemma up. I''ve been with someone pushing 7years now, and believe you me, I''ve been the recipient of a lot of heat regarding commitment, maturity, etc. We''ve seen several friends that met after we did get married, and now it''s about to happen again - we have a wedding to attend later this month. I''ve already decided to propose (finally!) and should have a ring ready at the end of next week, but will not be able to see my girlfriend until just a few days before my friend''s wedding. I''d like to make the wedding less painful for my girlfriend (and hence for me) by proposing before the wedding. Would my girlfriend flaunting her brand new ring about at my friend''s wedding be a thunder-stealer?

 

[Rhea]

Flauting, yes. Answering the question "are you engaged" with a yes and a quick flash of the ring is fine though.

 

[sklingem]

Date: 12/1/2008 7:10:53 PM
Author: ithinkimgonnapuke
First off, I hope I''m not stealing the parent poster''s thunder by throwing my own question in here (oh, the irony!), but this seemed like an appropriate place to bring my dilemma up. I''ve been with someone pushing 7years now, and believe you me, I''ve been the recipient of a lot of heat regarding commitment, maturity, etc. We''ve seen several friends that met after we did get married, and now it''s about to happen again - we have a wedding to attend later this month. I''ve already decided to propose (finally!) and should have a ring ready at the end of next week, but will not be able to see my girlfriend until just a few days before my friend''s wedding. I''d like to make the wedding less painful for my girlfriend (and hence for me) by proposing before the wedding. Would my girlfriend flaunting her brand new ring about at my friend''s wedding be a thunder-stealer?

I think it would be a bad idea - then again it all depends on what "flaunting" would mean in reality. If it means distracting (others)from your friend''s wedding, then it is not the smartest thing to do. Just do it a bit later - then your friends can give your fiancee all the attention she deserves and you would avoid any potential complications! Good luck!

 

[swingirl]

Yes. A wedding is not an appropriate place to announce your engagement. You have been invited to someone else''s affair to celebrate their joyful day. And honestly, I''d hate my engagement to be planned around my boyfriend feeling sorry for me because I had to attend a wedding without a ring on my finger.

 

[babygirl]

EyeElle, I wouldn''t be too concerned about that at all. I never got the jealousy thing and I''d imagine brothers (or mine, at least) would feel similarly. If you plan to get married around the same time as your bro, maybe clue him in- but otherwise I don''t think you even need to broach the subject pre-engagement. And ithinkimgonnapuke, I wouldn''t worry about proposing too close to a friend''s wedding. Unless you or your girlfriend plan to steal the mike during the night and announce it to the crowd (don''t do that, ok? ha), I can''t see how the timing of your engagement would impede on anyone''s fun at the wedding. Best of luck to you : )

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 11/5/2008 7:47:50 AM
Author: MissDimity

Traditionally it is bad luck if a younger sibling is married before the eldest child. However you can reverse the bad luck, if the elder sibling dances barefoot at the younger child''s wedding. ( Just a bit of trivia- never seen this happen though)

LOL, I guess I will tell my older brother to leave his dancing shoes at home

To the OP, I don''t think that other people really expect you to plan your life around them. I can''t imagine your families being anything but excited! Also, I think guys are less likely to being thinking about thunderstealing than if it were a sister

To IthinkI''mgonna - you can always talk to the bride and groom and let them know your plans. I would be thrilled to death if a friend got engaged, and I would totally announce it at my wedding. (okay, don''t expect THAT level of enthusiasm, but at least it will be clear that you are not trying to be rude.) A wedding is a wedding, and it is about the people getting married. I hardly think it''s possible to steal the thunder of the couple getting married unless unless you are trying REALLY hard.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 11/5/2008 7:47:50 AM
Author: MissDimity

Traditionally it is bad luck if a younger sibling is married before the eldest child. However you can reverse the bad luck, if the elder sibling dances barefoot at the younger child's wedding. ( Just a bit of trivia- never seen this happen though)

I never knew that! As it happens, my younger sister got married 8 years before me - and I did dance barefoot at her wedding (I had vertiginously high heels on and couldn't dance in them)!


Both DH and I come from big families, and it has been engagement/wedding season for the last few years:

July 06 - BIL engaged
Dec 06 - DH and I engaged
Sept 07 - BIL married (in Chicago so a lot of travel for everyone from the UK)
Dec 07 - My brother engaged
July 08 - DH and I married
Dec 08 - Other BIL is getting engaged (I'm in on the secret)
May 09 - My brother married

So far we have all managed to get married in different years which has made it easier on all the families - a lot of travelling has been involved for all the weddings.

The only person who has cast a spanner in the works now is me - our first baby is due 2 days before my brother's wedding. He has been really great about it - more sad that I won't be there as he's getting married 7 hours away from London in the middle of nowhere so I can't risk it if the baby isn't born by then.

To be honest I would want a good length of time (say 6 months) between weddings if not engagements unless you are doing something very small. But this is more due to the practicalities - travel, cost, parents time etc rather than any thunder stealing concerns.

ETA: Just to add, we are all in our 30's. DH and I, my brother and his FI and my BIL who is getting engaged at Christmas all lived with our SO's before engagement so there wasn't a huge rush for any of us.

 

[4ever]

I think it matters, they need atleast a month in the spotlight. Also, I wouldn''t want to get engaged close to a family members and friends wedding, as that kinda feels like I''m stealing the spotlight too.

 

[Nocturnius]

Someone else said it - you know your brother better than we do.

Another idea... why not ask him in a roundabout way? Let him know that you''re taking his feelings into consideration and that, should that time come for you, that you want to make sure you''re not stomping out his bonfire.

I only WISH hubby and I''s sibling thunder-theft was just an engagement announcement. Instead, his sister made it a point to announce in front of our families at the wedding that we "beat" her to the altar (nevermind the fact we had been together twice as long as her and her man) like it was some sort of race.

If the two of you are really close, he may love to share the spotlight with you. But again, you know him best, and you might consider asking him what HE thinks is a sufficient wait time.

 

[Jena17]

Well, this actually happened to me! My Fiance talked to my parents about 2 months before he actually proposed cause the ring was being made.. Well my brother talked to my parents and told him of his intentions around the same time but just went out and bought a ring and proposed when they were on a trip. Well my ring was done a week after my brother got engaged and my Fiance didn''t want to wait just because my brother just got engaged. They had been dating for 7 years and hadn''t even talked about getting married and she wants to wait until after school anyways which is another 2 years. So my Fiance proposed exactly a week after my brother. My Mom was a bit stressed and thougth that he should have waited cause she felt bad for my brother (who has already been married before) and this is my first proposal and marriage, so to me he has already had his "thunder" and it is time for mine. I was a little mad at first cause my Fiance had it all planned out before my brother and my mom asked him to wait until at least after Thanksgiving.. She is happy for us and has calmed down now and understands but she didn''t at first. I woldn''t worry about it and if they aren''t happy for you then that''s sad, but I am sure they will be just as happy for you as you are for them! Good Luck!