Starting to think about maybe having a baby, some day!

[littlelysser]

Alright...

I am totally unsure about the having kids things.

Three years ago, I was sure. Sure it was a HECK NO.

Well, since then, my feelings have kind of changed a bit.

I don''t know if it is because a number of my friends are having children, and I''m seeing that people like me and DH could actually raise a child. I don''t know if that sounds odd...but before my friends started having kids, it was very much an abstract thing that older, grownup people did...I know it is silly, but it is true.

I just turned 33, so I''m sure the old biological clock has something to do with it.

DH and I got married in September and I can''t help but notice what an amazing father he would make. He''s the most patient and kind person I''ve EVER met.

I''ve also gotten close with a number of my friends'' kids...and I just love them to death.

DH is kind of thrown for a loop here. He never wanted kids. Like me, he was pretty adamant about it. Well, about a year and a half ago I told him that I was starting to change my mind a bit. And that has continued. We talk about it every once in a while, and now he says he is "neutral" about it...which is a definite improvement over HECK NO!

Ugh. I don''t know.

And by way of background, I make most of the decisions that relate to our lives...DH is a go with the flow kind of guy - but this is a decision we would definitely need to make together. I KNOW for a fact that he''d be the most amazing father ever, but he has to want it too...because it is such a huge decision.

Also, I''m kind of torn because we have a very nice life right now. Two dogs, we love our house, we love our friends...our lives are very easy and well, pretty great. I know having a child would completely turn everything on its head...UGH. I don''t know.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

 

[Mara]

i hear ya woman!!!

we are having the talks and speculations as well. we are still not 100000%, sure we want to but we are closer to that than 'no' at this point and def thinking about it more than we did 2-3 years ago. we think about all the same things...we love our life now...but we kind of joke around and call it living an adolescent life, greg makes jokes that we should become real adults at some point and have kids. kids are expensive...and we worry a little bit about retirement and college for the kidlet(s) happening basically at the same time. at this rate, if we do have kids i will be 34-35 (assuming all goes well) and greg will be about 41-42. it's a vastly different thing to do it this way vs when our parents were having kids at 25. it's intimidating. i know that people 'make it work' but it's still just such a scary life change to think about making.

but i think that greg is probably a bit more 'on board' than i am right now...though neither of us is really ready. it would be my body who has to produce the child and that freaks me out...hahah. and also i feel like our lives would need to be a little less hectic than they are now for us to really be able to be great parents to our kid(s). also we are talking about moving out of CA to a less expensive area maybe in the next year. and if we do want to have kids, i want us to get started within a year because i am 33 and i would prefer to not hit 35 and be trying if we don't have to because of the extra precautions and tests you have to take. i have some friends who started at 35 or after and were saying it's a whole new ball of wax and if you don't HAVE to wait that long, then don't.

so for now we are just kind of hanging out and talking about it. we joked around in acapulco that we should throw caution to the wind at least once on vacation and see what happens....then greg was like 'did you mean that?' and i was like 'nooooo'...so we were both too chicken to try it...HAHAAA. but it was funny.

oh and lyssie, you should read Baby Proof by Emily Giffin if you have not already...i read it on vacation and it was good! it's basically about a couple who never wanted kids when they got married (or before that) and then one of them changes their mind, and it's how the couple deals with (or doesn't deal with) the change and learning about themselves etc. pretty interesting!!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

If you''re still not sure, then it''s not the right time to try. From what I read generally, I do think it''s more difficult MENTALLY for a couple to have kids when they are older if they love their current lives and have great carefree days spent enjoying quiet dinners out, going to movies, & spending evenings cuddling on the couch with LIT candles on the coffee table (this is the first year I''ve lit candles since my kids were born!). All those simple pleasures disappear when you have kids. Kids are hurricanes trapped in little gymboree-wearing outfited bodies so you''ve REALLY got to be ready for that storm.

If you''re financial stable, then focusing on that aspect is basically a moot point. . . yes, you can take care of the child''s basic needs, so that''s covered. What the REAL question, IMO is, would you feel empty if you never had kids? Feel a sense of a void in your life? You need to be ready for the emotional aspect.

My husband and I have two boys and the days are just unbelievably busy and challenging! Our kids wear us out, but we love them. We always knew we made the right choice because now at ages 36 & 34, if we hadn''t had kids, we''d be looking around the room wondering what was missing.

 

[Jas12]

I think the most important thing is for you and DH to be on the same page--even if that page is still fuzzy. If your DH is at the same stage of ''maybe'' that you are then I think you guys are in a good place. Discuss it often and see how things evolve--only you two can make that choice

As for deciding to take that plunge myself:--my current life seems much like yours right now--carefree and happy. I go out to dinner once or twice a week and enjoy my down time. Baby comes along in 4 months, so do i think i will still get those dinners etc. each week?--Of course not, but i think it will be replaced by equally, if not more fulfilling things like reading stories and going for walks with my family. I do want that. I''ll never be 100% ready for what will come along in 4 months, but i guess i am willing to find out.

 

[larussel03]

I''m totally with you on this one! Up until recently I was like "I don''t want kids, but when I''m older I''ll probably have some." I don''t know if it''s because the holidays are coming up and I get all nostalgic or what, but I was talking to FI and I told him that not only would like like kids someday (we''re not going to be in a good position for a few years, I want to wait till we move back to MA after his PhD), but possibly more than 2, which was always my "maximum" number.

I still really am not a huge fan of kids, mainly because they look exhausting to me! But I think about how wonderful it will be when they''re younger to watch them discover everything for the first time and then when they''re older, like teenagers to fully grown up, and have them and their bf''s, gf''s, SO''s, families over, esp at the holidays, and I realize I really want that.

 

[littlelysser]

I just wish someone would give me the right answer! Today I feel strongly yes, tomorrow I''ll probably feel different. I know that there isn''t a right answer...but still, it''d be nice!

Financially we are able to make it work. Or at least, many other people have made it making less than we do.

Mara - you are totally my should we have a baby twin! I totally feel you on the wanting to try before you are 35, if you are going to do it...for the same reasons you stated. And don''t get me started on the thought of being preggo...it definitely freaks me out too!

And I do think if DH and I decided we''d try, really, we''d really stop trying to prevent it. Sort of take a if it was meant to be it will be approach. We haven''t gone that far yet, but we''ve gone down to one form of birth control, whereas before we ALWAYS used two. What can I say, I KNEW I didn''t want a baby before...and now, I''m a bit unsure so we''ve gone down to one. Clearly, I''m a dork.

And I''ll totally check out that book. Should be an interesting read!

MC - this definitely isn''t a try right now situation!

And I do see what you are saying about content older couples - and I don''t think I really feel a void or incomplete, but there are times when I think that DH and I would be great parents and that it is something that would make our loves more complete, if that makes sense. But then I think that we''ve got things pretty good right now. I really don''t know what I want.

 

[swingirl]

People who really want kids feel like their life might be good now but it would be fantastic with the additional family members. They don''t think of kids as ruining what they have now. So as long as you aren''t 100% sure that children would add to you and y our husband''s life, it''s best to wait. Going from "heck no" to "best dad in town" doesn''t happen overnight.

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 10/31/2007 1:42:21 PM
Author: *~Sweetpea~*
I still really am not a huge fan of kids, mainly because they look exhausting to me! But I think about how wonderful it will be when they''re younger to watch them discover everything for the first time and then when they''re older, like teenagers to fully grown up, and have them and their bf''s, gf''s, SO''s, families over, esp at the holidays, and I realize I really want that.

I totally hear you on the exhausting thing. I went to Chicago a few weeks ago to spend a long weekend with one my best friends - who has the sweetest, cutest, 7 month old baby girl - and boy is she a ton of work. When she''s awake, you''ve got to be watching and interacting and playing and making silly faces and entertaining the entire time.

This was the first time I''d ever spent 4 solid days with a baby...morning, noon, and night...and I was amazed at how much work and attention she requires. That having been said, I completely and totally fell in love with her and I totally understood why it would be worth all the work. She just captured my heart!

And I think about the later years too...and being able to rediscover the world through the eyes of our kid. And watching the grow up...Yeah. There is something to that. Most definitely.

 

[TravelingGal]

This is going to make me sound like a horrible person, but we decided to throw caution to the wind not because I necessarily WANTED kids (TGuy did though), but because I didn''t want to go through life and have the opportunity taken away from me. I was getting older, and I thought, if it happens, it happens. If it doesn''t, great. I really don''t care either way. It sounds like an awful reason to have a kid.

HOWEVER...

I didn''t make the decision to throw caution to the wind lightly. There were a few (with one or two being tearful) conversations with TGuy about having children. I was scared scared scared out of my wits. I love our life. We have it goooooooooood. Ultimately I am about commitment...once I make a decision, I never look back and give it all I can.

When I got off the pill, I really didn''t care if it happened or not, but I knew with all of my heart I had what it takes to be the best mom within my means, even though some of the means weren''t exactly what I would have liked before getting pregnant (owning a house, etc). Kids need discipline, boundaries, and lots of love and interaction. I''m 4 months pregnant and reading lots of parenting books/mags. I was reading pregnancy books until I realized...hey, my body can take care of itself...but I might need help understanding children and parenting skills! So I doing what I love to do...research, except this is for the biggest "project" I''ll ever take on and I know I''ll never be an expert. I''ll just take it one day at a time and see.

I feel so lucky that we were blessed somehow without even trying (some of you ladies know we were a one shot wonder...I got pregnant after two weeks off the pill with only one baby dance on July 4th and we weren''t really trying). After the initial shock, I decided that someone, somewhere wanted us to be parents and I just threw myself into it. This is my 3rd day of REALLY feeling the baby inside me and TGuy is wondering if I''m some sort of mental case because I just sit on the couch and giggle and smile when I feel it. It already brings me so much joy.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 10/31/2007 1:52:45 PM
Author: littlelysser

Date: 10/31/2007 1:42:21 PM
Author: *~Sweetpea~*
I still really am not a huge fan of kids, mainly because they look exhausting to me! But I think about how wonderful it will be when they''re younger to watch them discover everything for the first time and then when they''re older, like teenagers to fully grown up, and have them and their bf''s, gf''s, SO''s, families over, esp at the holidays, and I realize I really want that.

I totally hear you on the exhausting thing. I went to Chicago a few weeks ago to spend a long weekend with one my best friends - who has the sweetest, cutest, 7 month old baby girl - and boy is she a ton of work. When she''s awake, you''ve got to be watching and interacting and playing and making silly faces and entertaining the entire time.

This was the first time I''d ever spent 4 solid days with a baby...morning, noon, and night...and I was amazed at how much work and attention she requires. That having been said, I completely and totally fell in love with her and I totally understood why it would be worth all the work. She just captured my heart!

And I think about the later years too...and being able to rediscover the world through the eyes of our kid. And watching the grow up...Yeah. There is something to that. Most definitely.

Ha, see...you''re more ready than I am! I was with my friend 3 Saturdays ago and spent the day with her and her 9 month old. He''s just adorable and I played with him the whole day. When I went home, I asked TGuy if there was anyway we could get TTot to gestate for about 2 or 3 more years in my tummy. Hehehehe.

And for those of your who want to have kids before the 35 mark...if you don''t wait too much longer than that, I''d say it''s more mental than anything. Your eggs don''t rot overnight. Yes, you have to take more tests IF YOU WANT TO (keep in mind they are mostly optional) but it''s not all that much more. I took a nuchal test (cool because you can get an ultrasound and see the kid) and two blood draws at week 11 and 16 to do the screening for chromosomal defects. CVS/Amnio are the diagnostic choices you can make. Truly, it''s not that bad. It''s more the mental factor of docs referring to you as a "mature" patient that can get to ya.

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 10/31/2007 1:47:02 PM
Author: swingirl
People who really want kids feel like their life might be good now but it would be fantastic with the additional family members. They don''t think of kids as ruining what they have now. So as long as you aren''t 100% sure that children would add to you and y our husband''s life, it''s best to wait. Going from ''heck no'' to ''best dad in town'' doesn''t happen overnight.

Heyyy there...WOW now.

Not sure you can speak for all "people" who really want kids. Maybe that has been your experience, but your generalization kind of put me on the defensive!

I never said that I think a child would ruin what we have now. Like JAS said, things would be very different. If I felt a child would "ruin" our relationship our our lives, well, I certainly wouldn''t even be considering having one. But things are good the way they are, and I know for a fact that having a child totally changes a relationship and the dynamics of the home.

And I know that going from "heck no" to "best dad in town" doesn''t happen overnight. I''ve been thinking about this for over a year, as has my DH. We are not trying to have a child right now. We are discussing it.

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 10/31/2007 1:55:27 PM
Author: TravelingGal
This is going to make me sound like a horrible person, but we decided to throw caution to the wind not because I necessarily WANTED kids (TGuy did though), but because I didn''t want to go through life and have the opportunity taken away from me. I was getting older, and I thought, if it happens, it happens. If it doesn''t, great. I really don''t care either way. It sounds like an awful reason to have a kid.

HOWEVER...

I didn''t make the decision to throw caution to the wind lightly. There were a few (with one or two being tearful) conversations with TGuy about having children. I was scared scared scared out of my wits. I love our life. We have it goooooooooood. Ultimately I am about commitment...once I make a decision, I never look back and give it all I can.

Wow TG - I completely and totally understand how you feel. I like the idea of throwing caution to the wind...but making the decision after much thought. And without sounding to much like a flake, I''m very much a if it is meant to be it will be kind of person...so I totally get where you are coming from! I''m excited for you! Yay!

And I think I''ll be able to get over being called mature, if necessary...I''ll convince myself the are referring to my mental health.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 10/31/2007 2:02:41 PM
Author: littlelysser

Date: 10/31/2007 1:47:02 PM
Author: swingirl
People who really want kids feel like their life might be good now but it would be fantastic with the additional family members. They don''t think of kids as ruining what they have now. So as long as you aren''t 100% sure that children would add to you and y our husband''s life, it''s best to wait. Going from ''heck no'' to ''best dad in town'' doesn''t happen overnight.

Heyyy there...WOW now.

Not sure you can speak for all ''people'' who really want kids. Maybe that has been your experience, but your generalization kind of put me on the defensive!

I never said that I think a child would ruin what we have now. Like JAS said, things would be very different. If I felt a child would ''ruin'' our relationship our our lives, well, I certainly wouldn''t even be considering having one. But things are good the way they are, and I know for a fact that having a child totally changes a relationship and the dynamics of the home.

And I know that going from ''heck no'' to ''best dad in town'' doesn''t happen overnight. I''ve been thinking about this for over a year, as has my DH. We are not trying to have a child right now. We are discussing it.

Actually littlelysser, I do see what swingirl is saying to a point (although I admit upon first reading I didn''t agree with it either)

People who "really want kids" do feel like their life would even be more fantastic if kids were in their life. However this does not mean that people who didn''t *really* want kids won''t be fantastic parents! It also doesn''t mean that people who really want kids and think their lives will be better with kids are necessarily having kids for the "right" reasons...nor does it mean they will make great parents. Look at Britney Spears. I think she said she really wanted kids and wanted to raise a family...it was a dream of hers. Look at her now. Also a friend of mine really wanted a kid. She is a great parent in the sense that her child really gets a lot of love from her...but she is a horrible, and I mean HORRIBLE disciplinarian. Her child is spoiled rotten. I think people forget that they are raising children to be responsible ADULTS, and these are not fun playthings to have around.

My advice to you is to not figure out if you are ready to have children, or if you think your life will be fantastically better with them in it...rather be true to yourself and figure out if you and your husband can be commited to make sacrifices to raise that child. Can you love a child? Can you discipline a child and be CONSISTENT with it? Can you take one day at the time, while at the same time setting goals for the future and working toward it for your child. Can you be a team and have a united front?

Will you take this job seriously? If you believe you can, I think you''re as ready as you''ll ever be.

 

[Selkie]

Wow, I almost started a very similar thread recently (but couldn''t commit to doing it, heh). I''m definitely still closer to the "HECK NO" end of the continuum, but I''m perceptibly less hard core than I used to be. I certainly don''t have baby fever, but I''ve started to do a little more what-iffing than before we got married, and before my close friends ALL decided that 2006-2007 was the Year of the Baby (and the year they all turned 35, probably not coincidentally.)

I actually feel a little weird admitting that I am weighing the possibility, almost like I''m betraying myself in some way, giving in to societal pressure or something?? I haven''t talked about it to DH at all, since I have always made it so clear that I didn''t want kids, and I don''t think I should open that can of worms until I''m more certain either way.

Kind of a moot point, anyway. We''re definitely not in the right place either financially or literally (I would want to live closer to my family in New England) and I don''t see that happening for another 3 years, when I''ll be in my late 30''s and he''ll be in his mid-40''s. Maybe as we get there the urge will get stronger, or maybe not.

I kind of wish I were 1000% percent sure either way, although the argument that I''ll regret not having kids doesn''t really sway me. There are thousands of other life-altering experiences I''ll probably never have, and if I regretted all of them I''d be emotionally paralyzed.

TGal, I really like your advice, and your point about wanting kids versus being great parents is excellent. Do you ever still feel scared about having kids, even now that you''re pregnant?

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 10/31/2007 2:23:31 PM
Author: TravelingGal

People who ''really want kids'' do feel like their life would even be more fantastic if kids were in their life. However this does not mean that people who didn''t *really* want kids won''t be fantastic parents! It also doesn''t mean that people who really want kids and think their lives will be better with kids are necessarily having kids for the ''right'' reasons...nor does it mean they will make great parents. Look at Britney Spears. I think she said she really wanted kids and wanted to raise a family...it was a dream of hers. Look at her now. Also a friend of mine really wanted a kid. She is a great parent in the sense that her child really gets a lot of love from her...but she is a horrible, and I mean HORRIBLE disciplinarian. Her child is spoiled rotten. I think people forget that they are raising children to be responsible ADULTS, and these are not fun playthings to have around.

True true. I see what you are saying... you should be a diplomat!

I do get that there is SO MUCH MORE to it than having a cute little baby to hold. And perhaps that is why it is freaking me out so much too! And then I get myself all freaked out about what I had a total jock-boy kid who beats up little nerds OR what if my kid had severe mental health issues and on and on and on. I definitely tend to overthink things and I''m a worrier.

I just don''t know.

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 10/31/2007 3:03:42 PM
Author: Selkie
Wow, I almost started a very similar thread recently (but couldn''t commit to doing it, heh). I''m definitely still closer to the ''HECK NO'' end of the continuum, but I''m perceptibly less hard core than I used to be. I certainly don''t have baby fever, but I''ve started to do a little more what-iffing than before we got married, and before my close friends ALL decided that 2006-2007 was the Year of the Baby (and the year they all turned 35, probably not coincidentally.)

I actually feel a little weird admitting that I am weighing the possibility, almost like I''m betraying myself in some way, giving in to societal pressure or something?? I haven''t talked about it to DH at all, since I have always made it so clear that I didn''t want kids, and I don''t think I should open that can of worms until I''m more certain either way.

I am so glad I''m not alone! And I totally understand where you are coming from! I was SOOO firmly in the HECK NO camp that I though should erect a cabin...because my stay was going to be permanent. Clearly, not the case. I do wonder if part of my semi-change of heart is due to the fact that a number of my friends are now having children. Is it societal pressure? Is it seeing that people of my age that have careers can make it work? Is it my biological clock, which I denied having for YEARS AND YEARS? Who knows...but yeah...I find myself wondering the same things.

And for what it is worth, I might considering mentioning it to DH...I know mine was a bit floored when I told him about a year and a half ago that maybe I might possibly want to have a baby on far off day. I figure if it has taken me over a year to kind fo wrap my head around the whole idea, he might need some time to do it too!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 10/31/2007 3:03:42 PM
Author: Selkie

TGal, I really like your advice, and your point about wanting kids versus being great parents is excellent. Do you ever still feel scared about having kids, even now that you're pregnant?

Uh...yes!!!!!!!!!!!!

My friend has a 6 year old and a 3 year old. She has always wanted to be a mom, and she is a fantastic parent in every way. And yet she still is scared that somehow, somewhere, she is screwing up her kids. I think you are always scared about something when it comes to your kids. All that first trimester panicking on whether the embryo will "stick" or not just seems like the first bump/worry in a very very long road.

I'll be honest...sometimes I sit here and think, what if I never got pregnant? Our lives would certainly be "easier." We want to buy a house, but we could buy a cheaper smaller house. Etc etc etc. But I was dealt my cards and I am excited about it, because I believe that everything in life happens for a reason and you really really need to count your blessings. Trust me...I don't sweat the small things but I sweat profusely about the big things...and this is a very big thing. But in all things, look at the positive...and I am sure this baby is going to be a big, HUGE positive...whatever it turns out to be. That doesn't mean I think it will be easy! I don't know if my life will be *better* because I have a child, but I know in my heart it will be wonderfully wonderfully different.

I guess at this point, I'm pregnant, and I don't have a choice, really. So I am embracing it with all my heart and running with it!!

ETA ladies...re: the heck no camp. I'll was in the HEEEEEEEEY-ELL NO camp, so I think I was worse than either of you.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

No, you are not alone! I never really wanted children until I met my husband. I don''t really care for other people''s children (most of the time) and I don''t often feel "motherly". We decided not to have children right after we got married in 2005 because we needed the opportunity to settle down and get used to being married. It''s been 2 years now and we''re both ready. I started thinking about it back in January/February of this year but we held off until ~2.5 months ago. We are in a good place in life right now and it just feels right.

I also feel sort of like I betrayed myself because I never really thought that I''d have children. Before I met my husband I was convinced that motherhood just wasn''t for me but something changed earlier this year and I''m not sure what it was. Something in the water maybe

.

~Jess~

 

[Selkie]

Date: 10/31/2007 3:28:15 PM
Author: TravelingGal
That doesn''t mean I think it will be easy! I don''t know if my life will be *better* because I have a child, but I know in my heart it will be wonderfully wonderfully different.

I guess at this point, I''m pregnant, and I don''t have a choice, really. So I am embracing it with all my heart and running with it!!

ETA ladies...re: the heck no camp. I''ll was in the HEEEEEEEEY-ELL NO camp, so I think I was worse than either of you.

Hah, yeah, that was really the camp I was in too. Although, as my aunt pointed out to me on my wedding day, when I was 8 I ADAMANTLY stated I was never getting married and was going to live in a house full of cats when I grew up. I''m pretty sure I felt the same way at 28. Well, now I have one cat and one husband. So I guess that means there''s always some middle ground?

And different is good, I think. I have a feeling if I were pregnant, I''d feel the same way you do. Scared, but in it wholeheartedly.

 

[Selkie]

Date: 10/31/2007 3:19:55 PM
Author: littlelysser

I am so glad I''m not alone! And I totally understand where you are coming from! I was SOOO firmly in the HECK NO camp that I though should erect a cabin...because my stay was going to be permanent. Clearly, not the case. I do wonder if part of my semi-change of heart is due to the fact that a number of my friends are now having children. Is it societal pressure? Is it seeing that people of my age that have careers can make it work? Is it my biological clock, which I denied having for YEARS AND YEARS? Who knows...but yeah...I find myself wondering the same things.


And for what it is worth, I might considering mentioning it to DH...I know mine was a bit floored when I told him about a year and a half ago that maybe I might possibly want to have a baby on far off day. I figure if it has taken me over a year to kind fo wrap my head around the whole idea, he might need some time to do it too!

I definitely think that my friends having kids, and seeing what AMAZING little people they are, has swayed me. These babies, who didn''t even exist two or three years ago, are incredible combinations of their parents'' features and personalities, but at the same time are very definitely their own independent selves...it''s kind of mind-blowing. At the very least, it has made me want to spend more time around other people''s kids, if not my own. I think I''d be very happy to be someone''s favorite Aunt. I just have to convince my brother and SIL to have kids...

 

[aljdewey]

I'm still firmly in the 'not for me' camp, so I'm not sure I have much to offer.

That's not to say that there aren't times when the thought crosses my mind, and sure, I think of all the wonderful pieces of having children. I think I could actually be a fabulous parent, and many people (including my MIL) have commented similarly. I'm not sure if my husband could; he has a hard time being a disciplinarian to the DOG, nevermind a child.

I just feel like I don't need to have my own to have some of that joy. I'm very close to my best friend's Tina's children; I've watched them grow up over the years, and the pride and joy I take in them is amazing. I'm the close aunt they didn't have....literally. Alicia's in her first year of college now, and she introduces us to her friends as "this is my Aunt Al, and my Uncle Mr. Al."

Totally unprompted; she never called me that growing up. But at some point, she decided that it felt right to her, and she's been calling me that ever since. Makes me grin like a fool every time I think about it, because I realize it's her way to demonstrate the closeness she feels to me. To her, I am absolutely family, and to me, she is too.

My SIL's kids are 5 and 1 this month; we are very close to them too. We delight in the things they do/learn, and celebrate all their milestones, too.

I think that any effort and energy directed into the life of a child is great, and I guess I just don't feel that it has to be MY child to be meaningful. We are all helping to influence and shape their lives, and I really think the kids benefit from having that from many different outlets.

I guess I'm content to know that I make a real and meaningful difference to those kids, and that's enough for me. At 42 now, it's not terribly likely that I'm going to have a change of heart.

 

[Selkie]

Alj, I completely agree with this: "I think that any effort and energy directed into the life of a child is great, and I guess I just don''t feel that it has to be MY child to be meaningful. We are all helping to influence and shape their lives, and I really think the kids benefit from having that from many different outlets."

And that''s why I think I could be perfectly happy to never be a parent, because I would get enough satisfaction from interacting with kids in other meaningful ways...aunt, teacher, mentor, whatever.

 

[Allisonfaye]

Date: 10/31/2007 1:52:45 PM
Author: littlelysser

Date: 10/31/2007 1:42:21 PM
Author: *~Sweetpea~*
I still really am not a huge fan of kids, mainly because they look exhausting to me! But I think about how wonderful it will be when they''re younger to watch them discover everything for the first time and then when they''re older, like teenagers to fully grown up, and have them and their bf''s, gf''s, SO''s, families over, esp at the holidays, and I realize I really want that.

I totally hear you on the exhausting thing. I went to Chicago a few weeks ago to spend a long weekend with one my best friends - who has the sweetest, cutest, 7 month old baby girl - and boy is she a ton of work. When she''s awake, you''ve got to be watching and interacting and playing and making silly faces and entertaining the entire time.

This was the first time I''d ever spent 4 solid days with a baby...morning, noon, and night...and I was amazed at how much work and attention she requires. That having been said, I completely and totally fell in love with her and I totally understood why it would be worth all the work. She just captured my heart!

And I think about the later years too...and being able to rediscover the world through the eyes of our kid. And watching the grow up...Yeah. There is something to that. Most definitely.

I have to take issue with the idea of constantly entertaining a 7 month old. I never, ever constantly entertained either of my kids. I grew up in a time where we made our own fun. Our parents pretty much left us alone. We used our imaginations and we played....and turned out just fine (at least I think so).

I think in this day and age, people think you need to fill every second of their children''s lives. I disagree with this view. I think free play time benefits our children a lot.

I highly recommend Confessions of a Slacker Mom before you have kids.

 

[Allisonfaye]

Just on a sidenote, my 2 year old and my almost 4 year old are now, as I type, dancing around me singing a song about my new belt.

 

[jcrow]

thanks for starting this thread. this baby question has been filling my head completely lately. it''s not that i was against having kids before, it''s that that time is creeping up on us and it''s staring us in the face.

dh has 2 older married brothers. and it''s like who can have the kid last sorta game

the oldest just had a baby about 6 months ago. they live in another state, so we don''t see the baby much. the other brother may never have kids, even though they would make EXCELLENT parents. so it''s like i clearly see the two paths in front of me.

then, one of my close friends had a baby 7 months ago. and she''s a beautiful well behaved child. and they are wonderful parents. make it seem SO easy and natural. i''ve never really been interested in people''s babies until hers. since i''m an only child, and only grandchild, i''ve never been around them.

 

[clammer]

Everything that TGal said. I''m also 4 months pregnant. Dh and I are in China for a few years and I don''t really have the option to work here so i said if we''re going to do it now is the time. I went off the pill and after a couple of months we decided that we weren''t sure what was happening in our life (almost moved to India) and maybe we should wait. I went and got a pack of birth control pills which are still sitting on my dresser since I found out a week later that I was pregnant.

Honestly, the first two months were very hard for me. I was worried I wasn''t going to be a good mom. I was worried that Dh and I were to selfish. Hey we both really like our life.

One day a few weeks ago it hit me that I get to be a mom. Yup, Dh and I will have to give up a lot, but we are going to get to rediscover everything that adults seem to take for granted through the eyes of our child. We''re not going to be perfect parents, no one is, but we will give it our best shot which is all that we can do. I am so excited now, terrified also, but mostly excited.

 

[gailrmv]

JCrow I really identify with your post b/c that''s where I''m at too... seeing two paths ahead and wondering which to take. In my early 20s I thought sure I want to be a mom someday, in my mid 20s I knew I was not ready b/c I did not want to give up my freedom/flexibility and I didn''t really see what was so great about kids, and now in my late 20s I am more excited about having a family and since some of my good friends have kids, I''m seeing more what is good about it and feeling more confident that DH and I could do it and be good at it. I''m still not super pumped about all the sacrifices that you have to make to be parents, but I''m starting to feel it is worth it. If we''re going to do it though, I want to start trying in the next few yrs because I''d like to be a young(ish) mom if possible.

 

[gailrmv]

Also.... TGal, thanks very much for your post and sharing your experiences. I am going to share that with my DH actually... I like the distinction you make between really wanting kids and being really good parents, and the questions to ask re: whether you are really ready. Very insightful post!

 

[onedrop]

Date: 10/31/2007 3:34:16 PM
Author: DivaDiamond007
No, you are not alone! I never really wanted children until I met my husband. I don''t really care for other people''s children (most of the time) and I don''t often feel ''motherly''. We decided not to have children right after we got married in 2005 because we needed the opportunity to settle down and get used to being married. It''s been 2 years now and we''re both ready. I started thinking about it back in January/February of this year but we held off until ~2.5 months ago. We are in a good place in life right now and it just feels right.

I also feel sort of like I betrayed myself because I never really thought that I''d have children. Before I met my husband I was convinced that motherhood just wasn''t for me but something changed earlier this year and I''m not sure what it was. Something in the water maybe

.

~Jess~

Jess: I totally feel your sentiments! I was in the firmly "NO" category up until about three years ago. Having children wasn''t really high on my list for a lot of reasons, maybe the first of which is that it''s a very difficult job and I wondered if I''d be able to rise to the challenge. That and the fact that I don''t really *love* most kids. One of my closest friends has two kids that I adore, and I am the godmother of one of my closest cousin''s daughters who I also adore. And though I don''t mind being around kids for small bits at a time, I never really felt the urge to have one around all the time and I have never really felt that mothering instinct. As I entered my 30''s people, sometimes totally random people kept asking me and pressuring me about having kids, and I always responded with a solid "no." Then I''d get that "are you crazy?" look.

I am glad that I decided to read through this thread! It''s comforting to know that I am/was not alone.

However....now that I have met and married my husband, I am totally on board with having his kids. In this case, it was clearly the fact that he entered my life that made me change my mind. Not that he has pressured me at all, but I guess I just felt a click in my heart when he came into the picture. He has been ready for a family all along so I am the one playing catch up with all of this. If he had his way, I''d already be pregnant and we''ve only been married for 7 months! However, cooler heads (namely, mine) prevailed and we are waiting just a bit, in an attempt to get more settled into married life. I just hope that all that time I spent not wanting kids doesn''t come back to bite me when the time comes to start trying. That is honestly one of my biggest fear right now.

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 10/31/2007 3:34:16 PM
Author: DivaDiamond007

I also feel sort of like I betrayed myself because I never really thought that I''d have children. Before I met my husband I was convinced that motherhood just wasn''t for me but something changed earlier this year and I''m not sure what it was. Something in the water maybe

.


~Jess~

I completely understand what you are saying. I NEVER wanted kids. NEVER. My friends were absolutely shocked when I told them about my change of heart. I so didn''t want kids. DID NOT WANT. But now, well, I think I do. Or at least A kid. Maybe a second. DH is a big part of why. He''s a great man, partner, and well, I know he would be a wonderful parent to a child. And I guess I''ve also realized that I could actually be a good mother.

Kind of referring to what Tgal said about being a good parent. I believe I could be. The thought of it is kind of exciting! So yeah...

I understand...but whatever it is, I had a drink of that water too. Definitely not "there" yet, but getting way closer than I ever thought I would.