Spending so much of your BF's money

[MissStepcut]

If you are picking out your own ring, do you feel guilty? Have you had any second thoughts?

 

[purselover]

I've never felt guilty about spending a lot of money on something I've really wanted that we could afford. I'm assuming that once you two are married your money will be combined anyway so what's his is yours and vice-versa. It's not really just his money your spending since the level of his bank account affects you both.

 

[AdanaEsq]

I was feeling this way recently. We were at Tiffany again, trying on the ring I really love and the price tag was high to me but completely reasonable to him. The budget I had in my mind is 1/4 what he thinks is reasonable. I feel weird about it and I told him. I love that he says I'm worth it and he's not going into debt to buy the ring but it's definitely difficult for me when someone is spending a lot of money on me. I have no problem spending money on others but it's tough to deal with someone spending that much for me. I've even suggested that he have a similar setting made and but he doesn't seem to like the idea. I love that I argue with him to spend less money on me

 

[mjertl]

this is the very thing I find difficult about ring shopping. I'm bad at money, and talking about a budget for a ring is not easy for me. I know my BF has a lot of money saved, but really we should use it for a down payment on a house, and the thought of him spending a lot on me for something that isn't truly "necessary" is hard. As happy as the land and house we're hoping to buy in a year or two will make both of us, a ring that's exactly what I want would make me that happy too, and both would last for years to come. BUT, the ring seems less necessary.
I really love rose cut diamonds, and I have a feeling they're less expensive than all the sparkly things most people these days are in to, so maybe that'll be a way for us to save some money and me to still get something i adore that's a little unique... (we'll see, I'm in the fledgling stages of learning about these things!)

 

[slg47]

we decided on a budget that we were comfortable spending. yes it is a lot of money to spend on a ring but I enjoy it

 

[MissStepcut]

Thank you, everyone, for sharing. As the time nears, I am starting to feel just... weird about spending so much on something so unnecessary. I appreciate hearing other people's thoughts on the subject.

 

[natsplat]

Doesn't have to be "so much" money. We've managed to get exactly what we both want for my ering, CAD-designed, for less than $1500. And the pound-to-dollar is not too bad at the moment. Just depends if you're wedded (pun intended) to diamonds and only diamonds. I know it might be a tiny bit Pricescope Heresy and all, and I am a mere European and we do not rock our ebling like the US standard (in the main!), but an engagement ring doesn't have to be diamond, or even expensive gems like sapphire etc.

I would certainly feel guilty - no, I would feel sick! - at spending over 3k on a ring for me. We need the money for other things.

 

[gem_anemone]

I don't feel bad because I make almost twice as much money as my BF, so I spend twice as much money on the bills and living expenses. We already have a house, so we don't have that to save for in the future. I helped him with the down payment on the ring and he should have no problem paying the rest off within the 0% interest period. No one in my family has a diamond. I work hard, I really want one and I think I deserve it!

 

[kellygold]

I've been thinking about this...we're not ring shopping yet, but I think I might insist on paying for the setting and let him get the diamond. That way, if I choose a $5k custom halo setting, I don't have to feel too guilty about it. Plus, it's definitely important to him to feel like he paid, and I think it'll be easier to persuade him that the setting "doesn't count," and that paying for my diamond is more than enough.

Overall, though, I agree with everyone else...as long as no one's going into debt and no one feels pressured to spend more than they're comfortable with, it's all good!

 

[nkarma]

I actually posted a similar thread when I was a LIW. I don't usually buy non-necessity items especially anywhere near the price of my ring. Also when we got married our money was combined so technically it was our money that I was spending. Our money that I could use to do so much with. However, after having it for almost 2 years I haven't regretted the decision for one second. I love and stare at my ring all the time. When I die, years of my life will be wasted looking at it and for that reason, I say go for it.

 

[confusedaisy]

You know, I think we both went back and forth feeling weird about the ultimate cost. At the end of the day, he told me his limit and we stuck to it. Trust me, he hasn't thought of it as a waste or as frivolous- he actually loves that something he worked so hard for looks as great as this does. Don't worry too much about it- it's nice that you even consider it.

 

[glitterprincess]

Here's my take on it...

We went ring shopping a year and a half ago. There was one jeweller near us that had several rings that I liked. I wrote down the ring number, style and price on a piece of paper. There was one designer ring that I loved as well and was significantly higher priced than the others (of course!) I put that down on my list as well even though I knew it would be a far stretch from what we were both comfortable with a ring cost (Even though I have expensive taste (apparently LOL), we couldn't justify the price of spending more on a ring than a new(er) car lol)
So when it came time for my dear boyfriend to go out by himself he looked at all the rings we liked at that time and he said that he didn't like any of them compared to my designer one that I was in love with. He said that he just kept coming back to that ring so he knew it was the one.

He was the one who in the end was comfortable spending that amount of money - It's not like I forced him to and he had several other options to choose from that I would've been happy with too..

No guilt on my part and I have an amazing ring

 

[ozzy11]

If you are picking out your own ring, do you feel guilty? Have you had any second thoughts?

Yes I'm feeling guilty!

I'm in the middle of trying to pick some out for him to choose from and I'm discovering I'm about $1k over what I'm comfortable with him spending. He won't let me pay a cent and he won't tell me his budget.

I'm not sure what to do - I don't want to have a ring that's dingy looking - I saw a cheaper one in a store and it looked plastic. I also need platinum or palladium since I'm allergic to the nickel in white gold -- that jacks up the price.

 

[violet3]

I had a very hard time spending dh's money on a ring, when there's so many other things we need the money for. Our budget was fairly small by PS standards (up to 4K), but even that made me feel really strange...

I chose an eternity band rather than a traditional ering, partially because i knew the budget would be reduced and i'd still love the look. I originally picked a thin band (shared prong) to even bring down the cost more, but when i put it on he said "no. that one's too small." we finally settled on the 10 pointer band that i now wear for around $2800.

What i realized in the whole process, is that while you are the one wearing the ring on your finger, the ring represents both of you. I knew when my husband said the first ring was too small, he wanted me to have something that i loved, but he also wanted to be proud of what he gave me when people looked at my hand. I think it's ok to feel a litle uncomfortable, but it's also ok to let your sweet bf spoil you a little in such a very exciting time in your lives.

 

[tracerr00]

Yes. I did feel guilty about it. I found my dream ring very early on in my search and the setting alone was very expensive but I just loved it so much!! Combined with the price of the diamond it would have been more than he wanted to spend but I just couldn't find another one that I loved as much. So he ended up finding a jewelry store that didn't do their own in house designing but had a designer that they worked with and he had it made for nearly half the price so that might be an option if you have an expensive or designer setting that you're looking at. And this designer did a fabulous job. It ended up being a lot less expensive and he put some of his own changes into the ring and that makes it even more special to me. But to answer your question, I did feel guilty but we found some ways for both of us to be happy!

 

[MayFlowers]

With our original budget, I did feel a bit guilty just because it felt like so much money to me. Now that we have lowered the budget, I don't feel as guilty anymore and I know we can still get a great ring. Though it won't be my dream ring, I'm sure I will still love it. I will just have to upgrade down the road to get the size I really want.

 

[sonnyjane]

My husband gave me a budget that he felt comfortable with, and then I shopped for my ring within those parameters. I actually came in a few hundred dollars below his low-end figure, so I felt good about that. We were living together at the time and due to the nature of his work (he is in the military), I had access to all of his finances should something happen to him. Because I knew his finances pretty well, I knew that the budget he gave me was realistic and wouldn't put him into debt. If he had told me something along the lines of "pick whatever you want, money is no object!" I would have known he was lying

 

[marymm]

Here's the thing - you don't actually have to have an engagement ring to be engaged. If you truly believe they are unnecessary, I am sure you can convince your BF that you are philosophically opposed to the physical symbol of a ring and he will comply with your preference to not have one. And, hopefully if you are at the point of becoming engaged, your BF is already familiar with your stance on rings and budgets and preferences. If you wish a ring but do not feel comfortable with the amount of money your BF has budgeted, I would hope you feel comfortable in discussing this matter with him -- and if either is/both are doing without shelter or clothing or food or not paying bills or going into debt in order to have an engagement ring, perhaps a reassessment of priorities is in order. Otherwise, it is my sincere hope that people are taking pleasure in ring-shopping/selection rather than turning it into a guilt-trip.

 

[centralsquare]

We picked it out together and, while he did pay for it, I viewed it as my money too. I would have spent that much on myself to buy this ring if I were paying for it, so it didn't both me that it was 'his" money. We've since bought a ton of stuff for him that I felt too expensive ....welcome to marriage!

 

[maplefemme]

He asked me to show him pictures of the rings I liked, I only picked one to show him and he said it was hideous, he really disliked it and to be honest I didn't expect him to react that way, I didn't think he'd care about the look of it so much.
I was trying to be frugal and get something simple, it cost $3,500. He has told me there will be no upgrades, I can get as many other rings as I like but an engagement ring is very sentimental to him and he doesn't want it changing so get whatever size I want now. I'm ok with that, I never really heard of "upgrading" engagement rings til I came to PS.
So now our ring and setting is coming in at well over $20,000 and quite honestly that's not in my immediate comfort range, but he can afford it without going into debt and it's forever so my guilt has subdued...but I'm still in awe

 

[thebunnybears]

Our accounts have been joined for years. So I feel guilty about spending our* money. At one point, I didn't even feel the need to have a ring. But my bf brought up a point... how much do we spend on other things.. cars, a house..furniture..etc. And a car wouldn't even last forever as an e-ring does.

We had plans to buy within a budget, pay upfront for the bank wire discount, and saved for it. We never plan on upgrading either so we got the biggest bang for our buck. I also don't own or wear lots of jewelry, just a few key pieces (all gifts from him). I think he believes he's really getting a bargain since in our lifetime, I won't be asking for more. But if he wants to get me more, I won't object hah