Spending Christmas apart?

[E B]

FH's family and my family live in the same city (Dallas, TX), which is where we met. We live in California, but when we go to Texas to spend time with family, we can spend time with eachother as well. The problem is, since I've known him, FHs family has opted to go out of town for either Thanksgiving or Christmas, making it hard for us to spend one of the two holidays together. This year, they're going to Connecticut for Christmas, and FH is going with them.

My family would be upset if I opted to spend Christmas with his family instead of with them, so I need to be in Dallas until the 25th. FH first extended an invitation to Conn., but when I mentioned I'd have to come the 25th or the 26th, he said it'd be too much of a pain for them to pick me up from the airport either of those days. A bit upset, I told him it probably wasn't worth it if I came after the 26th (they're leaving the 30th or the 31st, I believe). "I agree", he said, without a second thought.

Needless to say, my feelings are really hurt. He's acting as though he doesn't care if we spend Christmas apart. Yes, we spend the rest of the year together, but how long are we going to spend the holidays apart? It's not like we're teenagers anymore. We're 23 and 24, for crying out loud.

Am I being a baby?

 

[AmberWaves]

Ebree, you are totally not being a baby. I''d get my feelings hurt, too! Can you tell him your feelings were hurt by this? And really, could he NOT spend the complete holidays with his family, and spend some with yours? And it really isn''t that hard to pick you up on the 25th or the 26th! I mean, REALLY. Luckily our families are nearby, his does x-mas eve, and mine does x-mas day, but after we have our own private gift giving in the early AM. What do YOU want to do?

 

[E B]

Date: 9/12/2006 3:49:31 PM
Author: AmberWaves
Ebree, you are totally not being a baby. I'd get my feelings hurt, too! Can you tell him your feelings were hurt by this? And really, could he NOT spend the complete holidays with his family, and spend some with yours? And it really isn't that hard to pick you up on the 25th or the 26th! I mean, REALLY. Luckily our families are nearby, his does x-mas eve, and mine does x-mas day, but after we have our own private gift giving in the early AM. What do YOU want to do?

He knows my feelings are hurt. I hope I'm not overreacting...I'm just so blue over this. I'd like to spend time with my family and my future husband, and it sucks that I have to choose. I thought flying in on the 25th or the 26th was a great idea, but according to FH, "the airport will be too hectic."

A couple of months ago, I asked FH when we'd have our own holidays. "When we have kids", he said. Is that normal? What does everyone else do?

 

[Mara]

how is it going to be a pain to pick you up at the airport one day vs another? i'm missing it i guess.

when greg and i were dating, in the beginning we spent one of the holidays apart because he'd go home to the east coast and i'd stay home in CA with my family. the first year he went home for thxgiving and stayed in CA for xmas with my family. then next year he stayed for thxgiving but went home for xmas, and then i flew out to meet up with them on the 27th and we spent new years there and came back on the 2nd. the next year we both flew out on the 27th and stayed til the 2nd. since then we have kind of alternated...but we do it together. he knows that it's super important for me to be with my family for both holidays, whereas he doesn't really mind being home or not for holidays..(guy thing maybe?)...so he doesn't mind staying with me as long as we can visit another time of the year or do new years or something. this year we were talking about doing the new years thing again (the last 2 years we were just nesting and did not go anywhere for the holidays), but the flights were kind of outrageous for just a week visit, so it turns out his stepmom and dad are going to vegas for a convention in dec so we are going to meet them for a weekend and also his sister is coming too. so it'll be like an early visit and it's vegas so it's super fun.

the year that i came out on the 27th and greg had gone up on the 23rd...i would have definitely been kind of hurt if he had said it would be a pain to come get me! and this was only our 2nd year of dating, we were not even engaged yet. so i don't think you are out of line to be a little upset about it .... but what are you going to do? i would be up front and ask him why he's so blase about not spending any of the holiday time with you. also have you guys discussed what is going to happen when you are married? i am very lucky that greg does not mind spending the holidays with my family (who he considers family too) because if he DID want to spend it with his family, i'm sure my family would be upset or sad if i went to see his family for the holidays instead. families are so particular about 'traditions' and the like sometimes. i think it's definitely worth discussing about what is going to happen in the future, what are you both 'okay' with?

ETA: re having your own holidays, we have our own now that we are married. when we bought our house also, it really solidified it as an 'us' holiday kind of thing and we have holidays at our house now as well...like now because we are married and have our own house, our house is now in the 'rotation' for my family get togethers. so we had xmas at our house last year but this year it may be thxgiving...or easter. i couldn't imagine waiting to have our own holiday time together and decide what WE want to do until having kids! that could be years down the road for us.

 

[robbie3982]

Awe, Ebree, I don''t think you''re overreacting. We''re sort of experiencing this problem with Thanksgiving. All of FI''s family lives in Pittsburgh which is where my parents and sister live, but the rest of my family lives in NY. Last year I had no vacation from work so I couldn''t go and spent the holiday with his family, but this year I''m hoping I''ll be able to go, though maybe not if they don''t let me take off from work at the new job. We''ve been assuming that I''d be able to go and FI is upset about not being able to spend the holiday with his family. We spend everything with his family! We go to almost every birthday and he automatically gets christmas since I''m Jewish.

I definitely get why you''re upset and I would be too if he wasn''t willing to make the effort to even pick me up from the airport. I''d ask him what it is exactly that''s going to be such a hassle? So what if it''s crowded. Maybe he only said it because he''s upset that you won''t just go and spend the whole holiday with him? I''d definitely talk to him about it again.

 

[E B]

I guess he thinks it'll be too hectic on the 25th and the 26th and that the airport will be a nightmare. I guess I understand, but what is that...30 min to an hour out of their day? Connecticut is tiny...how far away can the airport be? When he agreed with me that it wasn't worth it, my heart sank. I was hoping he'd say "it won't be a problem at all!". Though, I couldn't have helped the situation by being pass/ag.

His family was in Dallas for Christmas last year, so we both flew in and spent time with both familes. Last Thanksgiving, I went home and he stayed in CA because his family went somewhere (Galveston, maybe?) and he wanted to save his days off for Christmas. The year before, I was with HIS family for Thanksgiving (Galveston) and we were both in Dallas for Christmas. Point being, I very highly doubt he'd want to come to Dallas with me if his family wasn't there.

For me, Thanksgiving isn't as big of a deal as Christmas; I have to be with my family for Christmas.

 

[mrssalvo]

I guess I don''t see what the big deal is in coming to get you from the airport on the 25 or 26th?

my husband''s family always get together the week after Christmas so it''s never been an issue for us. I''ve spent Christmas day with my mom since I was born and since hubby''s family doesn''t care that''s what we do. they have come to our house on christmas before. Thanksgiving is always a free for all in who wants to have it and do all the cooking. my sister however has yet to spend a christmas day with us since she''s been married. They went to her hubby''s the past 2 years and we always do a second celebration with them when they''re home. I asked when they think they will stay in town with us and she said after they have kids b/c then they won''t want to travel the 7-8 hours it takes to get to her in-laws. they are making Holiday deposits so they can cash them down the road.

What will you all do once your married? Ebree, I don''t think you''re silly for being hurt, I''d feel the same way, especially if I was willing to battle the airports to get there.

 

[AmberWaves]

Well, Ebree, we do both families. His on x-mas eve, and then mine on X-mas day. It's really hard lately, though, because my parents just split up and my brother moved to Australia, so it's really up to US to have a small get-together (small being the operative word in a 1 br apartment) before the actual day-of festivities happen. So we do gift exchange with his brother and sister and mom/aunt/uncle/nieces/nephews on x-mas eve, where we miss MY aunt's party, since we do MY aunt's the next day. Then we head to his best friend's family's house on x-mas eve as well, and stay there a couple of hours. The next morning, we give each other gifts in private, and then my mom comes over (we exchange gifts with her) and we go to my aunt's (her sister) where we do the typical x-mas trdition of tamales and presents. THEN we leave my mom there, and she goes off to her other extended family with the rest of the family that's there. Meanwhile, Paul and I come home and have my dad over (it's about 1pm by now) and we exchange gifts with HIM. Then we head to my dad's side of the family and do gifts and dinner with the 10 of them. Whew.

Thanksgiving is the tricky part. I've never gone to my mom's side, even when they were together, my family never did thanksgiving together. So I always went to my dad's side where I had cousins my age. My brother would go back and forth from my mom's side to my dad's. NOW, we aren't sure what to do, his brother's for dinner, and my dad's side for dessert? Or my dad's side for dinner and his for dessert? The selling point? Three turkeys at my dad's side: deep fried, rotisseried, and roasted.

ETA: I always thought the airports aren't as busy the day of? I was at the airport on Thanksgiving, and it wasn't too bad. Seriously, though, take a damn half hour to pick up your future wife, man.

I'd be mad, too.

 

[Mara]

i don''t understand why your FI feels put out by driving what 30 minutes to get you??? and on the 26th it would be better than the 25th typically anyway. so what''s an extra 15 minutes in traffic or whatever if you are staying for 4 days?? that''s a fair amount of ''visit''.

tell him if it''s that much of an inconvenience you will just take a cab, and make him pay when you get there.

honestly this kind of bothers me from a ''future'' perspective. i think you should take this opportunity to discuss what/how things could/should be in the future esp since you guys are getting married, and talk about what you both feel comfortable with. possibly a compromise is in order, but the time to figure it all out is before it REALLY becomes a problem.

 

[E B]

Thank you all for sharing your stories with me (and being so sweet!).

I just talked to FH, and apparently, there''s been a huge misunderstanding. He thought that I meant (this might get confusing) that my family probably wouldn''t want to take me to DFW airport on the 25th or the 26th to FLY to Conn, not his. He said he''d be more than happy to pick me up from the airport any day I fly in.

I don''t know, I''m still a little teary and hope he didn''t create this misunderstanding because he knows he hurt my feelings. He sounds pretty genuine, so I feel a little bit better.

 

[AmberWaves]

I hope he means it, too, Ebree. Don''t worry, it''ll be fine- way to go with talking to him, though!!

 

[anchor31]

Ugh, Christmas has always been a big issue too for us. I''m very close to my family and I don''t exactly like his much, so I always hate spending Christmas or New Year''s with his family and not mine. And with his parents'' and my parents'' families being in four different corners of Quebec... Ugh.

You''re not being a baby, I''d be upset too. I''m not sure what advice to give you since I never know what to do either, but I wanted to give you a little support. I hope you can find something you''ll both be happy with.

 

[sumbride]

glad he clarified... I would have been completely hurt too!

My FI is from Maryland and I''m from Texas so we can never spend the same holiday with both families. I spent Thanksgiving with his family the first year but then went home by myself for Christmas. The next year I was back at his family''s for Thanksgiving, but he actually came home with me for Christmas. We celebrated with his family before we left. He had so much fun that last year he wanted to do it again, especially when his mom said "Christmas is for kids, and since you don''t have any kids, I don''t care what you do." Yes, that''s what she said!

I didn''t go to his mom''s for Thanksgiving last year because she told us she would be out of town so I made plans with friends to have the meal at our house. She cancelled her plans 2 weeks before and he accepted her invitation on our behalf. Without asking me. We had a big discussion about it and I decided not to cancel my plans with friends, most of whom were staying in town because of it! He tried to convince me I had to go because "we''re getting married... how will it look??" and I said "we''re not engaged yet." He went to his mom''s and had a lousy time while I had a great time with friends. But that was the end of it. I have to go to his mom''s this year. But we''re going to see my family for Christmas!!!

I would really like to host Thanksgiving some time but was informed that it won''t be an option while she''s alive.

At least it wasn''t "until we have kids", especially since we don''t want them!

 

[Christa]

This may seem like borrowing trouble that''s still way in the future, but my advice would be to make sure you''re on the same page with the whole holiday thing before you get married, because this issue is only going to get bigger--especially when/if you have kids!

We eventually stopped trying to please both sides of the family and decided that making our own traditions was way more important. Now we tell them "hey, we''ll be home on Christmas--come see us if you want!" We LOVE the freedom of being able to let the kids (and ourselves) enjoy the holiday without having to rush to get somewhere. Not for everyone, but it works for us.

 

[Mara]

ditto christa!!! ebree even though it seems to be worked out for now, i would definitely put this discussion about teh future holidays on the table before it actually becomes an issue.

 

[decodelighted]

I haven''t read the whole thread yet so I hope I''m not repeating ... but the way it works in my "birth" family (since two of my sisters are already married) is that CHRISTMAS and THANKSGIVING alternate between "birth family" and "in-law" families every year (at least until their kids are a little older and they want to stay at their own houses for holidays).

So ... say this year ... my family is getting together at THANKSGIVING and it''s an IN-LAW X-MAS. Last year, it was my family''s X-MAS and the IN-LAW Thanksgiving.

Maybe that would work in the future?

 

[phoenixgirl]

We also split Thanksgiving and Christmas between our respective families.

When DH and I started dating in 1998, he came to visit me over winter break (even though we''d only been dating for two weeks . . . he he). He said something like, "Maybe we can spend next Christmas together, or the one after that." I was like, "What? As a married couple? I''m 18 you crazy person!" The first Christmas we spent together was in 2003. We weren''t engaged yet, but DH''s parents had just gotten divorced and he didn''t want to choose. We''ve spent Christmas with my family and Thanksgiving with his family ever since then. I''ve never had to be apart from my family on Christmas. I know I would be very sad (my sister is always SOOO depressed when she has to spend Christmas with her in-laws, which is only about 1 in every 3 years). But I will certainly reverse whom we spend Christmas and Thanksgiving with if DH''s brothers ever come to town for Christmas.

OK, I''m sorry, but Christmas with my family is the best, and I think DH knows this deep down. My parents give him way more presents than his do. It''s a real extravaganza. This year my brother and sister will both be with in-laws (more presents for us! j/k).

 

[E B]

Ooh, more replies! Thank you all again for your advice.

We absolutely do need to sit down and discuss holidays before marriage. It's tricky, though, because I'm an only child and *super* close to my divorced parents. My Dad is remarried, but my Mom isn't, and leaving her by herself for Christmas breaks my heart...I don't think I could do it (ever). Guess she'll have to come with us no matter what we're doing!

In all seriousness, I know it isn't that easy, but we'll work something out.

FH seems seriously stumped as to why I thought he meant he wouldn't pick me up from the airport, so it looks to be a misunderstanding after all. Thank goodness.

 

[divergrrl]

Ebree----just a quick factiod..the airports are EMPTY and dead on the 25th. We used to fly to Chicago to be with my mom''s family on the 25th & always had the plane, baggage & roads to ourselves. Nice....

As for spending time apart on xmas until you have kids....that''s kinda odd to me. As soon as DH and I were an official "couple" --years before we got engaged, we spent ALL holidays together. We were together 7 years before our son showed up. We have never gone "home" to spend the holidays with his family----his choice, not mine (he likes how we celebrate here--more formal & festive) but I''d go home with him anytime if he wanted to in a heartbeat. (I''m flying my MIL here for xmas this year).

My advice? Get the holiday thing worked out earlier than later. You guys will find what works best for you. Ours are a pain every year because I have a bitterly divorced mother who freaks out if I see my dad on the holidays (they''ve been divorced for 28 years..) And no matter what day or time of day she gets (of her choosing of course) she gets all pissed off because she starts second guessing herself thinking that my dad gets the "better" deal.

So my DH and I argue constantly around the holidays because he refuses to do the "relay" and thinks everyone should come to us & my dad, stepmom & mom should all learn to co-exist. Well after last Christmases massive ugliness, he decided to relax & go where it''s easier. Trust me, when you add grandchildren to the mix (mine is the first) the families get really possessive of who gets to spend the holidays with you guys & your munchkin & they aren''t sane about it.

We had to tell everyone we were going to start alternating years, and tough toenails.



Jeannine

 

[sumbride]

Date: 9/12/2006 5:49:59 PM
Author: phoenixgirl

OK, I''m sorry, but Christmas with my family is the best, and I think DH knows this deep down. My parents give him way more presents than his do. It''s a real extravaganza. This year my brother and sister will both be with in-laws (more presents for us! j/k).

I totally wanted to say that but didn''t, so thank you! I feel the same way! Christmas with my family ROCKS. We go way overboard and there are tons of presents for everyone, plus we believe in wrapping everything separately so it''s more fun to unrap! "Oooohh... batteries... wonder what these are for???" His family is much more restrained. One or two presents a piece and that''s it. BORING! They''re nice but you''re done unwrapping in about 5 minutes! And they aren''t big on ritual so there''s no sentiment to the rest of the day, you just sit around staring at each other.

My dad gives us shop towels each year but it''s fun! Plus all my siblings live near my parents so we get to do it all together. My family does Christmas Eve together but then each family can do their own thing for Christmas morning. Last year my FI and I decided to hold our presents to each other until the morning and it was totally cool to have a Christmas morning with my soon-to-be-family. I think the main reason my FI has no problem going to my parents'' for Christmas each year is he gets a lot more stuff!

 

[Mara]

hehe sumbride and pg...that is how my family is too...it's a big deal to have the family (which is all local even cousins etc) over for xmas and thxgiving and because we still have young-ish teens in the family, there are always a lot of presents and merriment around them...no young grandkids yet but i'm sure in the next 5 years that tide will turn. there's a ton of food and we play christmas music and sometimes we play games and go to the movies or whatever. greg's family is kind of scattered all over so they end up celebrating separately and if we were there for the holiday we'd end up having to split it between his mom and dad's families and there's not a whole lot of 'merriment' going on because their kids don't live near them. it's easier for us to go for new years because then we can still have the 'christmas spirit' kind of thing going on, and give presents and have yummy food and all that but it's not that same 'holiday' DAY OF thing. also then you have new years and that's a holiday too and it's fun too.

 

[Rhapsody]

I don''t think you''re overreacting. The couple times my FI and I had to be apart for the holidays (I had to work a few years) I was just so sad being without him. Sometimes it just can''t be avoided though.

Organizing who will be where and when during the holidays can be a nightmare! We used to try and make sure we visited everyone sometime during the Christmas week but it got to be such a PITA. It was so stressful trying to not disappoint any of our family that we could hardly enjoy the time ourselves. So we decided to do one year with his family, one year with mine and then one on our own. I refuse to accept that I need to have children before I''m allowed to have a Christmas in my own place with my FH

Neither of our families even do anything special for the holidays, there was just this sense of obligation that we HAD to be there. Both our sets of parents were annoyed at first, but they''re over it now.

 

[wifey2b]

I don''t think you are being a baby...after all...I would love to spend Christmas with my FH.. we live 1700 miles apart, and the plan was for me to go last Christmas, and to my shock my parents were ok with it. I am now 40 and it would have been their first Christmas without me, I have another sister, btu she has lived away from home for years, so I am kindda the "old faithful", but they said, we have to learn to live with it sometime...which I thot was real cool of them. It didn''t work out last year, as I was very ill at Christmas time, and they spoiled me like crazy too.
Never know, it might work this year, but am not sure what will be what for then, but I do not think you are a baby, my feelings would be hurt too if strm was that casual about us being apart...at least I know this is as hard on him as it is for me
All the best, and may your Christmas turn out to be merry and wonderful!!!
Hugs :}

 

[Christa]

Chiming in again in response to something Divergrrl said--I have divorced parents too, and after one year of trying to do everything twice (I was already married with a baby when they split up) my sisters and I agreed that was ridiculous and that if they could live in the same house for 25 years they could certainly sit in the same room for a couple of hours a year. Now we do everything together--holidays, birthday, everything--and they both come and ignore each other.

 

[KimberlyH]

My hubby and his mom and have always had a completely untraditional relationship (his father passed away many years ago) that involved not spending holidays together. She is now 86, has alzheimers, lives in a board and care and doesn''t know what Christmas is, so we can celebrate with her whenever we feel like it (the day after or before, etc.). He has no other family, but he does have a friend whose family has treated him like a son for the last 12 years and that''s where he has always spent holidays and Christmas Eve is their big deal present exchange thing. My dad works a crazy schedule so our holidays usually just end up being on an arbitrary day, but last year he actually had Christmas off. We live about 2 and a half hours away from my parents. So last year we spent X-Mas Eve with the friend''s family and then made the drive up to my parents so we were there X-Mas morning. It''s the same deal with Thanksgiving, my dad''s schedule dictates so we usually end up celebrating on an arbitrary day, but if my family is having it on the proper day we will in all likelihood end up at my mom and dad''s. This will get complicated at times because I do not have a close relationship with his friends, but it is important to him and I need to respect that, so we''ll just have to continue to work at it, depending on when my family gets to celebrate. I''m thankful my parents are so understanding and holiday flexible, just because that''s how it has always been (with my dad''s schedule), so they say, whenever you come we celebrate. But I now have a nephew so this may become more complicated for all involved because of course I want to spend every holiday with him.

 

[ladykemma]

i know a family (not mine) that gets together for the holidays over new years "lets meet at colonial williamsburg!" "let''s meet in maui". "let''s meet in disneyworld."

gifts only for the little kids. works great. christmas at their own homes.


i don''t like the holidays, the leave it to beaver, unrealistic, norman rockwell painting christmas are on TV only. I would rather have the time in our own home.

 

[clammer]

You need to talk to him. We had similar problems before we got married. DH comes from a verrrry small family and I come from a pretty big family. His family would always guilt him into holidays by complaining that they would be all alone. It didn’t come out until our premarital counseling that I thought our number one problem was holidays and how we split up our time. I am close to my family and felt bitter that since he came from a smaller family they got more holiday time. He just didn’t think it was a big deal since I talk to my family a lot, every day or at least every other day. We talked about it and have now come to an agreement that works for us. It still is not the ideal situation, but it is a compromise that seems to make everyone happy.

 

[RoseAngel04]

I don't think you're overreacting or being a baby at all!! Spending holidays with FI is VERY VERY important for me too! Luckily his family and mine live in the same city.

From our beginning we basically have alternated every other Thanksgiving between our two families. Then Christmas is good b/c his Mom does the whole big Christmas Eve celebration, while my family doesn't celebrate Christmas until Christmas Day....so it all works out Christmas is my FAVORITE holiday and I cannot imagine not spending that time with FI.

I sooo excitied about our future Christmas's together when we're married. It will be nice to wake up on Christmas next to my husband and celebrate together and alone Christmas morning.

Under 11 months to go YAY!

I would also just suggest that you talk over these major issues before the wedding. FI and I discussed all these serious issues before the engagement to get on the same page and it's so nice to know for the future.

 

[gailrmv]

This is an important issue to work out sooner rather than later! It sounds like it will require compromise on both parts. remember, you can always celebrate holidays on different days from the actual day, if needed to spend them with both families. I know this may sound kind of lame, but my husband often has to work the real holiday so we celebrate on the closest day possible (b-days and annivs too) and it is fine.

This past year he had off Thanksgiving but worked the next day. We had thanksgiving at our house and invited both our families. They are all out of state and could not make it. So it was just the 2 of us. It was FABULOUS! Very relaxing and fun. It was nice to avoid the hassle of traveling on the holiday and enjoy some special time together!

 

[divergrrl]

Date: 9/12/2006 8:32:46 PM
Author: Christa
Chiming in again in response to something Divergrrl said--I have divorced parents too, and after one year of trying to do everything twice (I was already married with a baby when they split up) my sisters and I agreed that was ridiculous and that if they could live in the same house for 25 years they could certainly sit in the same room for a couple of hours a year. Now we do everything together--holidays, birthday, everything--and they both come and ignore each other.

Christa....that is what I tried when my son was born! I was sick of the "holiday relay of madness". But, unfortunately, that doesn't work with my mom & she makes OUR lives miserable. You don't even wanna know.