Special Way to Incorporate non-bridesmaids?

[SoonIHope]

I got engaged, wow, EXACTLY a month ago (hehe just checked the calendar to see if it was more or less!) and told my maid of honor right when I called her to tell her about the engagement that she would be my maid of honor. She knew this already (she''s my best friend AND the person who introduced us, so it was an obvious decision), but most of my other friends were not aware that I had decided to have only ONE attendant - my MOH. We are having a very informal outdoor wedding at my family''s 1848 summer home in the Adirondack mountains, and are trying to keep the guest list under 100 (which is already a lot more than we originally wanted), so I realized a few months ago that it didn''t really make sense to have a lot of bridesmaids. As is, we''re only planning to invite about 8 of my female friends to the wedding, but most of them are approximately equally close to me (2nd place after my maid of honor) so I would have had to make at least 6 of them bridesmaids....which is a LOT of bridesmaids for a small informal outdoor wedding! Plus there would then be only a couple female friends attending the wedding who were NOT bridesmaids which seemed like would cause them to be upset.

So basically, I came up with this idea maybe ~6 months ago, and as I have casually discussed with friends how I was planning to get engaged soon, etc, I had casually mentioned to MOST of them that I MIGHT end up going with only a maid of honor. Most of them were pretty disappointed to hear this, but when I told them my reasons, they understood. Although some did half-jokingly say, "Well this means you can''t be one of my bridesmaids then!" None of these were actually planning a wedding, though, so I just kind of laughed awkwardly with them. I would of course feel honored to be one of their bridesmaids if/when they get married, and be hurt if they had a large number of bridesmaids and didn''t make me one, but I guess I would ultimately have to understand.

Since I became engaged, a couple of them have asked me - so, am I going to be a bridesmaid?? Since most of them already knew my plan, I just sort of regretfully admitted that we had decided to go with it, and they agreed that it kind of made sense and didn''t seem like they were going to hold a grudge or anything. None of them brought up my not being allowed to be a theoretical bridesmaid at their weddings either.

BUT...I have one friend, who I''ll call Lucy, who, to give a bit of backstory, has always been just outside the "tricycle" (I forget how that name came up!) of me, my best friend, and our mutual next best friend (who we were both closer to in college than we are now), and has resented that and come to us being upset about our "excluding" her on multiple occasions over the years. She also has a tendency towards depression, and is obsessive about schoolwork, so in college (and now that she''s in grad school) we have seen very little of her while she works 24 hours a day for a couple weeks, then she just shows up and tells us how depressed she is and we have a good long talk, then she kind of disappears again. I know this might sound mean, but I don''t intend it to be - we all care about her dearly and try to help her become a little better adjusted (since school stresses her out SO MUCH), but I''m just trying to explain that it is her self-sequestering that generally prevents us from considering her to be quite as close to all of us. Also, since she is often depressed, we feel it would be cruel to burden her with our minor problems or to gloat about whatever we''re particularly overjoyed about, so she isn''t quite as involved in our lives as we are in hers.

When I got engaged, she was one of the first people I called and she was genuinely happy for us, but by the end of the conversation I ended up consoling her that one day she''ll find someone as she repeatedly told me that no, she was destined to remain alone. Then, when my maid of honor flew in from Chicago to throw us an engagement party & go dress shopping with me, we told Lucy who then also agreed to come in from out of town.

Shortly after the two of them arrived at my apartment, Lucy said, "Am I going to be one of your bridesmaids?" in sort of a challenging tone. I realized that I probably had not mentioned the only MOH idea to her, just because she has generally not asked me many questions about our relationship/engagement/wedding plans, so I tried to break it to her gently, but she got really mad and started yelling at me about how I didn''t really consider her a friend and I like my MOH better, or else if I was only going to have one attendant it would have been her. So I felt really bad (at first) but then she kept going on and on and making snide comments and saying OVER AND OVER AGAIN that there was no way I would get to be a bridesmaid for her now, since she obviously means so little to me, etc. So I finally got a little snippy with her and was like, well honestly, I explained my reasons for why I can''t have more than one and I think MOH is the obvious choice, so I''m sorry it hurt you but you have no right to be angry at me.

Then we went dress shopping! It was lovely, she was sulkily saying, "well THAT is the ugliest thing I''ve ever seen" to all the dresses I liked best, etc. After a bit she stopped being like that and we managed to have a nice time for the rest of the day. When we said goodbye that night (she spent the night with MOH then left early the next morning), I told her I was genuinely sorry I couldn''t make her a bridesmaid, and sorry that I had snapped at her before, and that she definitely WOULD have been a bridesmaid if I were having several. She seemed to take it nicely but I could tell that she doubted that I really meant it.

SO in conclusion for my very long story.....I would like to do SOMETHING for ~6 of my friends to show them that they are very special to me and WOULD have been bridesmaids if the circumstances permitted it. Can anyone think of anything I can do to honor them like this? Since it''s going to be informal, we won''t need ushers or anything. I was thinking of letting one or two of them do readings, but I don''t want to drag the wedding out by having EVERYONE do one. Plus my fiance has friends too, etc... Any ideas? HELP PLEASE!!!

 

[ivanadiamond]

Wow, sorry to hear about your friend...I had something similar happen and I never regretted not having her in my wedding party..good thing you set things straight right from the beginning.

As for getting your girlfriends involved, what if you have a special brunch with them the morning of your rehearsal dinner or on your wedding day possibly? I know that isn''t incorporating them in your ceromony, but it makes them know how close they are to you, kinda like a bridesmaid luncheon...Or maybe they could get ready in the same room as you? Get some champagne and have everyone getting dressed with you could be special...

One of my gifts to my bridesmaids was a day at the spa on my wedding day, it worked out perfectly because after taking them out for brunch, we hit the spa and each got massages and lounged in the sauna and hottubs. I had such a great time laughing and hanging out with all of them. It helped with all my gitters and seeing all my close friends around me and such a special time made it it incredibly special...

 

[SoonIHope]

Thanks Ivana, that sounds like a great idea! Unfortunately we''ll be in the middle of nowhere, so no spas around.

But I think I will ask them to have a private brunch with me, and get ready with me! And if I can come up with any extra special thing, I''ll try that too, but the house where we''re getting married is way out in the country and the only town easily accessible doesn''t even have a real grocery store in it.... We are by the lake though, so I was thinking of maybe going swimming the morning of the wedding, but I think I''ll probably have to open that up to everyone up there, not just my faux-bridesmaids. DAMMIT, now I really want to treat them to a spa day!!!!! That would have been such a perfect idea. Hmmm, but we are having our second reception (Chinese wedding banquet) in NYC a few weeks later...maybe I can fit it in then? Either way, you''re already making me feel better about this! Thanks!

Anyone else have ideas that we can do on our own with no spa access?

 

[AmberWaves]

Albi, why don''t you do the rose hand off? I mean, you give each person who is close to you a single rose (or other flower) to show that you care, and that way they can be a small part of the ceremony, too.

 

[saturn]

I definitely understand your position, and I think that if you invite them to have brunch and help you get ready the morning of the wedding, that would really get the message across.

One of my childhood best friends got married, and even though my sister and I weren''t asked to be bridesmaids, she made a point of asking us to come over and help her get ready the morning of the wedding. To be honest, I think that is the funnest part of being a bridesmaid - the "getting ready" part. A bunch of girls, doing each other''s hair and makeup, getting dressed up, seeing the bride in her dress before the ceremony, etc. To me, the actual walking down the aisle part just isn''t that exciting.
So I think that would be a great idea.

 

[FireGoddess]

WOWZA - I just think that this woman's actions are a perfect example of why she shouldn't BE in the wedding party, regardless that it actually had nothing to do with why you chose to just have an honor attendant. This woman seems to be exactly as you've described her - sort of self centric and kinda inconsiderate, actually. I don't think that a phone call to tell someone you've gotten engaged should end with you consoling the other person about how they're not destined to become an old maid, nor should an invitation to come dress shopping turn into a temper tantrum.

I had a small wedding party with a MOH and 1 BM - and could easily have had 5 more BMs but almost EVERYone from my side of the wedding had to travel to get here, and I didn't want to burden them with the cost of a shower, the cost of a dress, etc. I'd rather they spend their money making the trip a mini-vacation and planning to visit wine country or something, not buying a BM dress or paying for a shower. All of them clearly understood this and I have been a BM in several of their weddings, though they were not in mine. To threaten that she won't include you in her bridal party is just childish - that's not why you ask someone to be in your wedding - an "I will if you will" sort of thing.

Anyway, she needs to get a grip, or she will only futher distance herself from all of you. But don't feel bad for not including her - it's your wedding and your prerogative. And it is really nice of you to try and include the other girls in something about the wedding - I do agree that the primping is the most fun part - certainly not walking down the aisle or standing for lots of pictures! What about getting manicures or pedicures together? In the last wedding I was MOH in (2 months ago) I snuck a bottle of champagne with me and surprised the bride and the other BMs with champagne while we got our nails done. Very fun.

 

[SoonIHope]

Thanks everyone, I am really starting to like the idea of having brunch/doing something special that morning/getting ready together with them! I don''t know why, but it had never occurred to me before that I could do something like that as opposed to actually having them take part in the ceremony! Yay for good ideas!

Amber - I''m sort of torn about the rose ceremony idea.... 1) because that phrase will forever make me think of The Bachelor and I don''t want the implication to be that everyone else has to go home!

and 2) because there''s no clear reason for why you need to limit the number of people getting roses...at least with bridesmaids people have to understand that you can''t have like 20 because there is a clear preference for keeping it down to a reasonable number. But if all we''re doing is handing them a flower, I feel like it''s much easier for excluded people to feel bad, does that make sense?

FG - Yeeeah, I know she doesn''t come off well in this story...which is making me half feel guilty for maligning her online and half feel more mad at her because hearing someone else''s opinion on the story really does make it hard to be sympathetic. Blah. But don''t worry, there''s no chance of me backing down and inviting her (or anyone else) to be a bridesmaid at this point. Now that all the fighting is (HOPEFULLY!!!) over, I am very happy with my decision. Especially since I have good ideas for other fun things to do with my friends! I like the champagne idea! Only now I''m a little nervous since my brother was telling me about a wedding he went to where the bride and groom were both so drunk that they couldn''t really stand or talk during the ceremony...I know I wouldn''t be like that but I''m still thinking maybe it WOULD be best to hold off until afterwards!

Hehe.

 

[Caribou]

Wow..that's tough.

I would be honored if someone asked me to be their bridesmaid....but when they don't I'm relieved. Remember that espisode of Sex &The City when Charlotte was getting married again and she told the rest of the girls that they weren't going to be bridesmaids and they were so happy. That's how I feel.

I just like to go to weddings and enjoy myself....being a bridesmaid isn't all that's it's crack up to be, IMO...the dresses sometimes cost a lot of money, especially since you can't wear them again usually, they aren't always pretty....etc. But I would never say no to a friend who asked.

Saying that, I don't understand why the girls are so dissapointed? It's not like you are telling them they are not invited to the wedding.

You're wedding sounds alot like mine, roughly 100 people (too many if you ask me) outdoor wedding, 1 MOH 1 GM. Everyone that is invited is either family or very dear friends. So everyone is important and play special roles in our wedding just by showing up.

I think a good idea for making them feel special is to have you, your MOH, and the 6 other girls go out one night to celebrate your wedding. Go to say Chicago, New York, Miami, Seattle, or which ever city is closet to you for a girls weekend. For the wedding, you could get them 'special girlfriend' flowers and/or have their table stand out from everyone elses, not yours of course

. Ask them to all wear the same colored dresses. Little things like that. Also, ask if they want to be involved in the whole planning process...that will help you and your MOH a great deal.

Good luck.

 

[SoonIHope]

Caribou - I think the different feelings about being a bridesmaid are because none of my college friends have been bridesmaids yet (Only one of us is married already but she had a traditional Muslim wedding, aka no bridesmaids), and only a couple of my high school friends are going to be bridesmaids this summer - so no one has actually done it before! I''m sure that after this rush of weddings (I know like 8 couples that are engaged right now), everyone will be a bridesmaid once or twice, and then get sick of it just like you.

I think it''s also partially because during idle chatter over the years, we have said things like "and I want all of you to be my bridesmaids!" even though we were like 16 at the time or whatever. So even though none of us took that as a serious commitment, there has always been an idea in the back of our minds that we would all be each other''s bridesmaids, and now that I''m the 2nd in both groups of friends to get married, everyone''s trying to cash in. That make sense? I honestly don''t think anyone other than Lucy was upset by it even though they all would have enjoyed it.

I feel the same way about being invited being special on its own too! I mean, when I was going through my high school friends thinking who to invite, I decided on my three closest ones (who would have been bridesmaids) and only one other potential person. I still keep in touch with about 5 more of them, but I just can''t fit everyone. So I feel like being invited should be honor enough! But I also think there''s a good chance that no one realizes how few friends we''re ultimately going to invite yet. Because when you throw around numbers like "100 people" it sounds like a LOT, even though the majority of it is family, and then it includes SO''s for the approximately 20 friends we''re inviting. Ick, TOO MANY PEOPLE!!!!!!

I will definitely try to get them involved in helping with planning though, and everyone seems excited to help (another virtue of being one of the first to get married

), and I was also sort of thinking of the wear the same color dresses idea though. But then I thought they might just be annoyed by that because a lot of them will probably have to buy a new dress to match, right? I dunno, maybe I''ll just ask them if they want to or not.

As for a special trip, that is a good idea, except that I''m already expecting them to travel for my wedding TWICE (ceremony one weekend, Chinese banquet in a different place a separate weekend) so I don''t want to burden them with having to spend too much money for me. Plus they already decided they''re going to throw me separate showers & bachelorette parties in NC (where I''m from) and NYC (where I live now). So that means a total of 2 showers, 2 bachelorette parties, 1 wedding ceremony with reception, and 1 banquet...aka SIX events for my wedding.

So I think I might have to cap it at that.

Hehe and thanks for the good luck!! I can already tell I''m going to need it!

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Date: 1/26/2006 11:56:06 AM
Author: Caribou
Wow..that's tough.

I would be honored if someone asked me to be their bridesmaid....but when they don't I'm relieved. Remember that espisode of Sex &The City when Charlotte was getting married again and she told the rest of the girls that they weren't going to be bridesmaids and they were so happy. That's how I feel.

I just like to go to weddings and enjoy myself....being a bridesmaid isn't all that's it's crack up to be, IMO...the dresses sometimes cost a lot of money, especially since you can't wear them again usually, they aren't always pretty....etc. But I would never say no to a friend who asked.

Saying that, I don't understand why the girls are so dissapointed? It's not like you are telling them they are not invited to the wedding.

You're wedding sounds alot like mine, roughly 100 people (too many if you ask me) outdoor wedding, 1 MOH 1 GM. Everyone that is invited is either family or very dear friends. So everyone is important and play special roles in our wedding just by showing up.

I think a good idea for making them feel special is to have you, your MOH, and the 6 other girls go out one night to celebrate your wedding. Go to say Chicago, New York, Miami, Seattle, or which ever city is closet to you for a girls weekend. For the wedding, you could get them 'special girlfriend' flowers and/or have their table stand out from everyone elses, not yours of course

. Ask them to all wear the same colored dresses. Little things like that. Also, ask if they want to be involved in the whole planning process...that will help you and your MOH a great deal.

Good luck.

Caribou hit it right on the nail for me.

For as long as I can remember, I have only wanted a MOH, and that's it. I just never envisioned having any kind of a wedding party. Fast-forward to today. I am in my almost-mid-thirties, and my 3 super-close girlfriends have experienced the bridesmaid thing, and they were OK with not having that role in my wedding (i know your situation is a bit different)

I thought long and hard on how to incorporate them into my wedding. I love them dearly, and want to honor them in some way. Especially since they will technically be performing BM duties, as my MOH isn't local. Believe me, they are eager to help, and don't see it as a burden. We'll all going to a bridal show this weekend, and they are already beginning to plan my shower.

So, I came up with the title of Wedding Hostess- they LOVED it! I acknowledged them at my engagement celebration, and have included them in all the planning to date. As far as "special" touches- they will all be wearing the same color, and will be helping me get ready the day of. We'll also have some kind of "girls" brunch that day as well. They will be invited to the rehearsal & dinner, and will be my go-to gals on my wedding day. So maybe it's not totally traditional, but then again, my wedding won't really be either!

You've gotten a ton of good ideas from the gals here. Lots of luck- everything will be OK!

 

[SoonIHope]

Date: 1/26/2006 1:27:10 PM
Author: ChargerGrrl
I thought long and hard on how to incorporate them into my wedding. I love them dearly, and want to honor them in some way. Especially since they will technically be performing BM duties, as my MOH isn''t local. Believe me, they are eager to help, and don''t see it as a burden. We''ll all going to a bridal show this weekend, and they are already beginning to plan my shower.

So, I came up with the title of Wedding Hostess- they LOVED it! I acknowledged them at my engagement celebration, and have included them in all the planning to date. As far as ''special'' touches- they will all be wearing the same color, and will be helping me get ready the day of. We''ll also have some kind of ''girls'' brunch that day as well. They will be invited to the rehearsal & dinner, and will be my go-to gals on my wedding day. So maybe it''s not totally traditional, but then again, my wedding won''t really be either!

You''ve gotten a ton of good ideas from the gals here. Lots of luck- everything will be OK!

Ooh, I really like that idea! That''s such a good nice title that sets them apart without requiring that they do anything specific during the ceremony! I am already 99% set on calling them that - thank you!!!!

And your mentioning the same colored dresses thing again is making the idea grow on me...I think I will ask them to do that, and maybe have them each wear a corsage or something? Like you, I imagine that my wedding hostesses (hehe I like saying it already!

) will be doing a lot of the traditional bridesmaid duties too, and this seems like a really good way to thank them for that and show the rest of the guests that they are special! Thank you!!!!

 

[aljdewey]

I had a similar thing......outdoor wedding (so not horribly formal), and SMALL (only 30 people).

Having bridesmaids would have presented a few problems:

1) no male counterparts as my husband doesn''t have friends around here (acquaintences, but no one he''d consider close enough and we''re not about ''filling slots'')

2) if I had my 4 other friends be bridesmaids, there''d be almost no one left to WATCH the wedding.

3) Some of the girls struggle now to make ends meet, and I didn''t want to add expense for them.

Our solution: We chose to have only a MOH and GM. My MOH, Theresa, is my friend since I''m 7 years old - lifelong friend. My husband''s "best man" was his sister.

Of the other 4 ladies, Tina F. (married) is like a sister to me. She did a reading of our choosing and her own comments during our ceremony.

Nancy, Tina S., and Tracy (all single) met MOH and I just after noon in my hotel suite, and they helped us get ready. They were "honorary bridesmaids".....all the fun, but no expense. They all signed the soles of my shoes with personal notes, and they rode in the limo with MOH and me to the ceremony location. They just didn''t walk down the aisle and they didn''t wear special dresses.

 

[SoonIHope]

Thanks Alj! I''m starting to feel much more normal and relaxed about the whole thing. It really is such a relief to hear all of you tell your stories so I can hear that it WILL BE OKAY no matter how it plays out exactly! I really appreciate everyone''s support!!!