Home son''s girlfriend''s parents hate him/us-HEELLLPPPP!

[snowflakeluvr]

ok, this will be long-winded to provide background.

my son, my second child, went off to college last fall in ohio. we had just moved to michigan so i was certain he would transfer that second semester, or second year. well...he met a girl-he would talk about her, say he knows this girl, who has a boyfriend, but well...ok, so her "boyfriend" wasn''t much of anything and they started to "talk" which progressed to "dating". my son went to private school through grade 12, went to one dance spring senior year, and to prom. he was a star athlete, graduated with lots of awards and honors, is a 6ft 1 hunk, and was diagnosed type 1 diabetic at age 16 1/2 very suddenly after an acute illness. so can you tell i ADORE this kid? he''s wonderful, and he has many girl "friends" whose mothers dote on him because he''s such a terrific young man. so...he''s been dating katie since last fall. she joined him when we all converged on purdue(where our eldest daughter attends) for the purdue/michigan game last fall and we met her for the first time(i called her mother and asked if she could come with my son and assured her they''d be well chaperoned). we LOVED her immediately and she fits in well with our large, crazy family.
she visited us in michigan over christmas for a few days. again, i called her mom and thanked her for letting her daughter visit(shouldn''t it be the other way around? i was always trying to be approachable). this spring, she comes to visit my son and stay with us. her mom and i drive halfway to "exchange" katie, i treat for lunch at cracker barrel, we chat, get to know each other...
we are leaving for florida this saturday, katie is coming up tomorrow and going with us for 9 days. i called her mom weeks ago before i purchased the plane tickets and asked if she could come(katie had told her parents about the trip, but i wanted to "invite" katie through her mom) so...i am thinking that i am going out of my way to be open, friendly, kind to this mother.
well, apparently they do not like my son

. katie had to take two courses this summer as she struggled over the school year. they blame ryan(my son) and say their daughter needs to focus more on school, less on ryan. ok, my son made dean''s list, national college honor society his freshman year, so HE''s not having trouble focusing on school/katie-he seems to do a fine job on both! if i am rambling, so sorry, just trying to give a background.
katie came up here this summer a few weeks ago for several days-she''s sweet, polite, simple, helps with our younger two(ages 3 and 5) and even our 14yr old son is excited when katie is visiting because she''s such a doll!
ryan has been really good to katie-he''s really generous, sweetest day, valentine''s flowers, etc. i don''t think he''s done anything over the top but i will have to define us as upper middle and them as middle class(but living in more lower middle part of urban area). my son has a brand new car, dresses very neatly, wears short hair, no piercings, tattoos,(not that i am opposed, but not trying to offend) he''s just a clean cut, wholesome kid. he doesn''t drink, never will, on saturday nights at college, when kids are partying, ryan and katie go out to eat, play ping pong, watch movies, etc...
so, tonite katie is getting packed up to come tomorrow as we leave saturday for vacation. she had worked 9 1/2 hours at kmart, then came home after 9:30pm. her mother used katie''s upstairs bathroom(which i guess she never goes upstairs to use that restroom) and katie''s dad says, "your mom used your bathroom. now it''s dirty. you have to clean it". i guess katie had just cleaned the entire house this week. her mother started to rant and told her(katie) that she doesn''t deserve anything...etc ....etc....
we had another incident a couple of weeks ago when my son found out from katie that her parents don''t like him-he stayed at their house one night because it was the last night of college and he happened to move out late, and it was the final game of the Stanley Cup(we are from Pittsburgh) so he drove 1 hour to their home to watch the game, because we are 4+hours away in michigan and he would have missed the game, so i guess later katie was told by her mother that she did not want ryan to stay over...
i had talked to the mom once when ryan visited them over the holidays(i think?) she asked what he liked to eat, him being diabetic, and i simply said, that he needs to refridgerate his insulins and if he goes low, could she provide cereal, fruit,juice, a snack. she seemed compliant enough.
sorry if this is babbling-it''s down to this. my son and his girlfriend have already talked the "m" word-they are super compatible, both rather innocent(i''ve asked him point blank about sex and he has said they are waiting-i told him i believe him but if they are going to go down that path, to both cover themselves and use their heads) . apparently her parents are erratic and hates my son''s guts. i have NO intention of confronting the mother/getting involved but my heart breaks for this girl and also my son, who may end up a part of that nutty sadistic family someday. my son feels very protective of his girlfriend and feels upset that they don''t like him(there is NO reason, no provocation from him). so, it just seems like a lot of drama for two young in love people. my son now doesn''t really want to have anything to do with her parents-i know it''s very hard to marry someone and not get along with their family, but gosh, these two kids seems sooo right for each other. i know they are young(he''s 19 and she''s 20) but i shake my head, trying to make sense of the tempest that is stirring....thoughts? encouragement? i love katie, i really do, but i love ryan more and i want him to have a wonderful, blessed life. he''s my hero-he handles his illness with lots of humor, grace and strength AND he''s just a good kid. ps he''s NOT a mama''s boy-we are just really close and i am really close to all of my children. i think i''ve raised him to treat katie in the way that a young lady should be treated. why does life have to have these unforeseen, unpredictable challenges? thanks if you have read my lament this far!!!!!! i hope it made some sense to someone

 

[Circe]

Is Katie an only child? It sounds like her parents may be having a little trouble "letting go" (no offense to any singletons out there: I''m an only child myself, and an only child of only children to boot).

I don''t think that there''s anything that you *can* do, frankly, other than be there for your son and in turn, tell him to just be there for his girlfriend. I think it''s awful when parents mess about in their kids love lives like Katie''s parents are, but I think a lot of folks can''t resist. I *also* think that as Katie gets older, she will hopefully learn not to "overshare" about her parents'' idiosyncrasies: I learned the hard way that it would only foment discord to repeat my parents opinions to significant others (unless they were things under the BFs control, like "Dude, always thank them/shake their hands/take off your hat in the house"). Perhaps if your son sets a good example in this regard, by *not* saying anything critical about her family life, but only supportive things, and passing similar opinions on from you, it will rub off and give her a good example of how family life is supposed to go?

 

[swingirl]

What does Katie have to say about it all? Has she said why her parents don''t like your son? I am sure she knows. Have they liked any of her boyfriends or have they found fault with all of them?

19 is pretty young to be thinking about marriage. Maybe the seriousness of the relationship is scarring her parents.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 8/5/2009 1:20:11 AM
Author: swingirl


19 is pretty young to be thinking about marriage. Maybe the seriousness of the relationship is scarring her parents.

Ditto. While vacations with a BF''s family might be the norm in your circles, that level of closeness might not be where Katie comes from. Plus from what you''ve written, it sounds like their attitude towards your son might be 1) an extension of their attitude towards their own daughter, 2) that they somehow feel threatened by things it looks like you and your family can give Katie that they can''t, or 3) a fear that they would lose Katie to your more attractive lifestyle.

Whatever the reasons for their ambivalence, it sounds as if your son will be able to deal with what they might throw his way.

 

[D2B]

I dont think it as your son per se, but the situation - her grades are slipping and she at 19 is talking about marriage, if I was a mother of a daughter I would not be impressed about either. Their way of dealing with it might not be to your liking, but I really dont think there is anything you can do, other than be polite and friendly.

Katie needs to sort things out with her parents.

db

 

[Haven]

It sounds like they are just trying to protect their own child in the best way they know how.
They probably value her education above her relationship with your son, and the fact that her grades are slipping must cause them serious discomfort.

I really don''t think there is anything you can do here, other than be supportive of your son. It sounds like he shares a lot with you, and that''s wonderful, but his girlfriend may not do the same with her own parents. They may not know much about your son at all, they may only know that their daughter has been performing worse in school since she started dating him.

It also may be an issue of different boundaries, too. My family was really open to having boyfriends join us on trips and whatnot, but most of my friends'' families were not that way. Her family may be very uncomfortable with the amount of time, especially overnight vacation time, their daughter is spending with you and your son.

I''m sorry your son is going through this and there isn''t much you can do. These things tend to work themselves out, eventually--the family will either get a clue about how wonderful your son is, or his girlfriend will decide that he is very important to him and she''ll straighten them out, herself.

 

[Burberrygirl]

Date: 8/5/2009 1:54:45 AM
Author: VRBeauty

Date: 8/5/2009 1:20:11 AM

Author: swingirl



19 is pretty young to be thinking about marriage. Maybe the seriousness of the relationship is scarring her parents.

Ditto. While vacations with a BF''s family might be the norm in your circles, that level of closeness might not be where Katie comes from. Plus from what you''ve written, it sounds like their attitude towards your son might be 1) an extension of their attitude towards their own daughter, 2) that they somehow feel threatened by things it looks like you and your family can give Katie that they can''t, or 3) a fear that they would lose Katie to your more attractive lifestyle.


Whatever the reasons for their ambivalence, it sounds as if your son will be able to deal with what they might throw his way.

I completely agree. My sister went through this with her bf of over five years. They just recently broke up. He was the younger of two brothers, and always second best. They disliked my sister from the start. My family being more wealthy could provide much more for my sister (my parents paid for her college, living expenses, vacations and much more). I think this made them uncomfortable, I''m not exactly sure why. They lived about six hours away so the only contact we had with them was when we''d go visit my sis and her bf up at school and they''d be there. When we did see them it was uncomfortable. My parents were always extremely nice, as was my sister (she was very giving towards everyone in his family, especially his niece). We took him on family vacations Up North (I live in MI too), and he even went with us to Puerto Rico. The problem wasn''t with his father, but his mother was DRAMA. She would always undermine my sis, talk bad about her to her son and other family members. His mom ended up causing a lot of tension. Their relationship ended in part because he was immature and wouldn''t stick up for my sister.
I think my mom handled the situation very well, they were adults (dating from 18-23) and she felt they could handle the situation themselves. It wasn''t her place to step in and say anything. Mostly she was extremely supportive of my sister and even her bf. My parents always gave him the encouragement his mom never would. In the end things didn''t work out. It sounds like your sons gf is much more mature then my sisters ex was. When it came down to it my sis couldn''t handle his immaturity. I think your son and his gf are very young to be considering marriage, but it seems like they''re smart and mature enough to work through the problems with her mom instead of letting her divide them. Try not to let her mom upset you, at the end of the day you can''t change what her mom says of does, but you can choose how you react. I think your best bet is to be supportive of them and ignore the mom as much as you can. On the school front, she''s lucky to be going out with someone so smart. I''m sure your son would be more than willing to help her with school, that way they''re still spending time together and her grades improve. Good luck, it sounds like you have a wonderful family!

 

[lovegem]

As usual I think the PS''ers have given you great advices.

Just one additional note about Katie''s grade. Does Katie work during school year? It sounds that she works quite a bit in the summer. You have to understand that probably before Katie was dating your son, her after school time would be spent working her part-time job and studying. Now since she''s dating Ryan, she has to squeeze time to talk to Ryan, go out with him. As her parents, they probably really see that she is spending a lot less time studying but more time going out and talking on the phone + her grade is slipping. I would be concerned too if I were them.

 

[cellososweet]

Hmmm. . . well you might not like my answer, but I think her parents might be a little freaked out by you contacting them multiple times. They aren''t kids anymore (though I agree that 19 is pretty young to be talking marriage) and it almost sounds like you arranging playdates for kids. It''s a little overbearing and they might be thinking that you are trying to push this relationship along (even if that''s not what you''re trying to do). Or they might get the impression that your son is too dependent on you (He''s an adult, he can tell her Mom what he can and can''t eat and tell her he needs to put his insulin in the fridge. It sounds like the conversations my Mum had with my friends Mums before a sleepover. When I was a kid. Maybe they aren''t as opposed to marriage as they are to their daughter marrying someone who has a mother than might come off as meddling. Come off as, that''s all I''m saying). My parents didn''t talk to DH''s parents until we were married. That''s a special case, but I know most people''s parents don''t meet until there''s a ring on a finger. It''s a shame they don''t like your son, but honestly, I think they might be turned off by how involved you are. My in-laws hated my guts until 2 years after we got married. It happens. Life goes on. But that was my and DH''s battle to fight. You can''t do anything about that. But, you might want to back off just a smidge. Let their relationship blossom if it may and don''t call her parents. Even if she lives with them, she is an adult and can make her own decisions and will have to suffer the consequences if her parents disapprove.

 

[movie zombie]

my initial reaction was much as cello''s...........if they''re old enough to be talking marriage, they''re old enough to arrange their play dates.

mz

ps it is so terrilby hard to be a parent and watch the kids go through these things because we love them and don''t like to see them hurt. being there for them as an impartial sounding board and with advice is the most you can do and perhaps stepping back from this may actually help with her parents.

 

[snowflakeluvr]

thanks all for your encouragement and support. the girl has arrived, i have let go, and am busy getting ready for vacation. i don''t see myself as a hovering mom. many people don''t understand my son''s condition and i simply try to tell people that he can eat whatever, but there are times when he may go low and if he does, it must be treated asap. he is an adult and does do for himself but he wouldn''t be presumptuous that someone would offer him food(he carries gatorade and some sort of sugar-y something with him). i also called simply to be polite. that''s my nature. i frankly don''t know if these two will be together for the long haul but they are generally one of the most compatible couples that i know and it is refreshing to see! apparently, her mother is threatened by her daughter''s growing up and i do empathize. i tend to encourage independence in my own children, let them make decisions, even though we are very close emotionally.
my own mom was controlling and my now mother-in-law was very accepting of me for the person that i am. i was always grateful for tha(even though we are no longer close). i just know from my own in-law strife that i want my son to be happy and to have a great life. other people throwing their crap at him makes me feel sad, that''s all.
thanks again for such a lovely board to come to when i have a moment!

 

[cara]

You might not see yourself as hovering but you certainly come off that way a bit in your descriptions. I only say this because if you come off that way to us peanuts on the internet, you might come of that way to your gf''s parents. While I completely understand your mothering impulse is to make sure that these people are taking the absolute best care of your son that is possible, you are still mothering him. Even though it sounds like your son is being responsible for his diabetes, he also needs to learn how to advocate for himself in his girlfriend''s parent''s house and make these requests himself. Similarly, the girlfriend is now an adult. If you are going to invite her to a vacation, invite *her* and let her discuss it with her parents. She''s not a minor and it is for her to accept or decline invitations and negotiate with her parents if she is still under their roof, so to speak.

That said, I don''t think your behavior is any reason for them to dislike your son. And really, them disliking your son is for your son and his girlfriend to negotiate. I don''t think there is much you can do except offer them a supporting and loving home to visit when needed. And realize that some of their displeasure might be inevitable - their daughter is growing up and they can''t stop it. And maybe she isn''t progressing through college the way they would like - even if your son is able to juggle a serious relationship and school maybe his girlfriend isn''t able to juggle it all as well and relationships are *distracting*. Your best bet is to give the girlfriend''s parents space, and to give the young couple time. Time to figure this all out on their own.

 

[Lilac]

I had the almost the opposite situation. DH and I met when I was 16 and he was 17. We knew we were perfect for each other right away and we started talking about getting married and our future together almost immediately (although we didn't tell anyone about those plans because we knew they would think we were crazy because we were so young!) Everyone who knew us thought we were perfect for each other, including my mom who saw us together the most and put in the effort to get to know him well right from the beginning.

His parents were another story. They never accepted me or even attempted to get to know me. I would go over there and try to make conversation and his mother would read a magazine right in front of me (and we were the only 2 people in the room and I kept trying to ask her questions and make conversation and she would give one word answers and continue to read.) I would go over to his parents when I saw them and say hi and they would LITERALLY look right through me. Once in a while I got a curt nod. It was very painful. DH kept trying to get his parents to give me a chance but they kept telling him he was too young to have a girlfriend (this is when he was already 20 years old.) When DH was 21 we wanted to get engaged (in our circles - Orthodox Jewish circles - we often get engaged/married around that age and sometimes even younger! Many of our friends were engaged or married already at that point.) His parents told him he was "their baby" and was too young. We knew what we wanted, so we got married anyway. We have now been together for 5 years - and through all the dating, engagement, and marriage his parents have barely tried to get to know me at all. They are cold and distant. It used to hurt (and still does) but I've gotten used to it - I think it hurts DH more than me. But at a certain point he had to make a choice - stay mommy and daddy's little boy forever, or move on and make a life with the girl he fell in love with - and he chose to marry me and start a life with me because I made him happy. Even after all of this I still try to call his parents sometimes and I tell him to call them often. I never told him to stay away from them and I never tried to prevent him from seeing or speaking to them because I don't want him to resent me at all. DH still defends me and takes my side whenever anyone says anything negative against me and we truly are partners.

My advice to you is support your son and his girlfriend. Be there for him if he wants to talk. Accept her and welcome her with open arms. Try not to insult her parents and try to always just be very supportive. What really got me through all of that was that MY parents were so inviting and welcoming to my husband and now we are very close to them. If your son and his girlfriend are a strong couple, they can get through this together. It might never get better with her parents, and they may never like your son, but eventually your son and his girlfriend will learn to deal with it TOGETHER. And if they can do that, it will make them stronger.

 

[swingirl]

Just another take on things. I once dated a diabetic and as soon as my mom found out she judged him and our future together. She said I'd be taking care of him when we were older, he'd always have medical problems, we'd have diabetic children, etc. From a parent's stand point it has to be something you think about. So no matter how great of a guy your son is future in-laws are going to have this concern. 20-year olds won't think about it but their parents will.

 

[Shoopy]

I have to ask...when Katie is visiting and going on vaction with you, where does she sleep?

 

[purrfectpear]

19 and discussing marriage. No WONDER her parents are looking at you with the stink eye

Add to that, falling grades...your son might be perfect to you, but to her parents he''s just a distraction with a mommy.

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 8/5/2009 4:51:24 PM
Author: fiery
I have to ask...when Katie is visiting and going on vaction with you, where does she sleep?

Keep in mind they are adults.

With that being said, DH and I slept separately until we were married. When visiting his family, of course, not when at home.

 

[Pandora II]

I can see this from another perspective - I am one of my parent''s 3 daughters (and 1 son) and my father HATED all boyfriends!

He was all for us dating nice young men, but the minute it became serious he was very unhappy. My parents felt that we should be going out and having fun and meeting lots of different boys - and above all concentrating on our studies. Serious relationships and marriage were for when we were done with college and established in a career.

Obviously as a 19 year old girl - madly in love with her then bf - I didn''t really see eye to eye with Daddy on these issues.

Looking back, I can see that with all 3 of us girls, we got over-involved, our grades slipped and we had our hearts broken. My brother on the other hand seemed to be able to juggle work, girls etc with no real angst at all.

Now that I have a daughter, I know I''d be seriously worried if she was talking marriage at 19, letting her grades slip and dating a guy whose mother seemed happy to marry the pair off.

Regarding the diabetes, I''m afraid parents will be anxious here, as they will be with any medical condition that has a significant impact on one''s daily life.

 

[Haven]

snowflake--I just wanted to add that I babysat for a pair of siblings for over a decade. The boy was diagnosed with T1 diabetes when he was four, shortly after I started working with them. I went to all of the doctor appts and whatnot with the family so I would be able to take care of him.

I remember how difficult those first five years were, especially. It took the family a really long time to find things that really worked. He ended up going on a pump when they first came out, and that was awful. Then he was off of it, back to shots, and then a better version of the pump came out so he switched back.

Now, he's a happy, successful 22-year-old. His diabetes is a part of his life, but it's just one part of it. He was also a student, an athlete, a boyfriend, son, etc. I know it's a very serious thing, and this particular young man that I'm talking about happens to be an extremely brittle case, but he has learned to cope with the diabetes and he's doing so well.

It sounds like your son has only been dealing with this for a few years, so I just wanted to say that while it doesn't go away, it does get easier to manage over time once he learns more about how his body will react to different things.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Here''s the deal...

My inlaws hate me..okay, maybe not hate...but I''m certainly not the top of top in their minds. In my mind, I feel like they believe their son could have done better, and maybe he could have...but we''re married. I''m going to be honest with you--it''s a hard, hurtful road. It doesn''t get easier over time...it gets more frusterating. Huge bummer on all fronts.

I myself have never come to grips with this entirely. I still want for them to love me, accept me, welcome me into their family unit. I long for a good relationship with them...and every time it falls short I physically mourn. But, in the end, I have a good sit down with myself and remember that I didn''t marry or fall in love with anyone but Mark--they are his family, true--but Mark is my family. It''s because of him I''m here...and he is entirely worth it. Worth everything.

I would encourage you all to really remember that Katie is a seperate issue from her family. You can love her and welcome her into your family without needing it to be reciprocal. Never be anything but good to her and her family...even if the same isn''t repaid. If all you ever manage is to set a good example, so be it...at least you can know you''ve done everything within your power be a good, loving, accepting family.

(hugs and support)

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 8/5/2009 2:13:26 PM
Author: cara
You might not see yourself as hovering but you certainly come off that way a bit in your descriptions. I only say this because if you come off that way to us peanuts on the internet, you might come of that way to your gf''s parents. While I completely understand your mothering impulse is to make sure that these people are taking the absolute best care of your son that is possible, you are still mothering him. Even though it sounds like your son is being responsible for his diabetes, he also needs to learn how to advocate for himself in his girlfriend''s parent''s house and make these requests himself. Similarly, the girlfriend is now an adult. If you are going to invite her to a vacation, invite *her* and let her discuss it with her parents. She''s not a minor and it is for her to accept or decline invitations and negotiate with her parents if she is still under their roof, so to speak.


That said, I don''t think your behavior is any reason for them to dislike your son. And really, them disliking your son is for your son and his girlfriend to negotiate. I don''t think there is much you can do except offer them a supporting and loving home to visit when needed. And realize that some of their displeasure might be inevitable - their daughter is growing up and they can''t stop it. And maybe she isn''t progressing through college the way they would like - even if your son is able to juggle a serious relationship and school maybe his girlfriend isn''t able to juggle it all as well and relationships are *distracting*. Your best bet is to give the girlfriend''s parents space, and to give the young couple time. Time to figure this all out on their own.

Well said!

 

[Lilac]

Date: 8/5/2009 6:55:23 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Here''s the deal...

My inlaws hate me..okay, maybe not hate...but I''m certainly not the top of top in their minds. In my mind, I feel like they believe their son could have done better, and maybe he could have...but we''re married. I''m going to be honest with you--it''s a hard, hurtful road. It doesn''t get easier over time...it gets more frusterating. Huge bummer on all fronts.

I myself have never come to grips with this entirely. I still want for them to love me, accept me, welcome me into their family unit. I long for a good relationship with them...and every time it falls short I physically mourn. But, in the end, I have a good sit down with myself and remember that I didn''t marry or fall in love with anyone but Mark--they are his family, true--but Mark is my family. It''s because of him I''m here...and he is entirely worth it. Worth everything.

I would encourage you all to really remember that Katie is a seperate issue from her family. You can love her and welcome her into your family without needing it to be reciprocal. Never be anything but good to her and her family...even if the same isn''t repaid. If all you ever manage is to set a good example, so be it...at least you can know you''ve done everything within your power be a good, loving, accepting family.

(hugs and support)

Sounds like our current relationships with our in-laws are very similar. And I agree with *everything* you said here.

 

[snowflakeluvr]

thanks again. the girlfriend will be sleeping with my 21 yr old daughter, no question about that. as for the diabetes, i may be an anxious parent too,but most people don''t really know all that much about type 1, they hear diabetes and think "oh he can''t eat sugar" which is far from the truth. i really don''t pry or push myself-my son and his girlfriend are close to me. we have younger children, too, so our family is very accustomed to looking out for one another. the marriage discussions/references are casual but my son has said to me, mom, sometimes i think i could see myself with her forever. so i highly doubt that her parents have any clue about their lovey dovey feelings. i just listen and we discuss what marriage involves and how hard life can be!
my son also supported his girlfriend through her studies this year-he is a very applied student and would stay up late, late,late doing what he needed to do. he encouraged her to do the same-i totally would feel the same way if my daughter were distracted but in the end, it''s their grades and their accountability, so this summer i did encourage her to do her best and she did. but i know in college, my boyfriend(now hubby) was quite a distraction too.(now he''s just a nuisance

at times)
i was thinking earlier how we often have so little space to communicate our story to others here-it''s hard to share a real window into our lives sometimes. i just want my kids to be happy. my mother has not meddled into my marriage(though at times i wish she had! to straighten dh up!) but i have no plans to meddle either.
katie may never have the super close relationship with her mom that my kids do with me. i have no intention of "replacing" that to her, but i know i will continue to be an empathetic, caring person in my kids lives and in the lives of those i care deeply about. katie lives several hours from us so it''s not likely i will have contact with her mom. i will take your advice and not call her anymore, i''ll leave that to the kids.
my mom was very controlling and hyper critical. i have consciously tried very hard to not be those things to my kids, so maybe i can relate to katie more than i realized initially. we all parent in our own way, so i appreciate your input!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I get it. I''m totally with you. If I had a child who had an illness I would absolutely make sure, no matter where he/she was so long as I could, that they were cared for. And on the same note, I would make sure anyone staying with me was cared for. If they needed a sugary snack, or a special drink, or medication that needed to be specially looked after--done and done. He''s your son...he''s only 19, and while yes he''s in college, and seriously involved with a girl--that doesn''t mean you stop being a concerned parent---you''re still his mom.

On the same note, I see where her parents are coming from if their daughters grades are falling. They aren''t sending her to college to find a husband, they are sending her and paying for an education--she needs that, and grades are what makes that happen. If she''s falling below the level of acceptable in that family...well, then they have right to be upset and concerned and revoke prilividges. I don''t see that as a slight to your son--yes, it may effect him...but it''s what they can leverage to keep her in check. If I were a parent, I would do that. You work before you play...period. It''s wonderful that your son does well, but if Katie isn''t meeting the expecations set for her, well, then there needs to be some changes made.

No matter how flat you make a pancake, there are still two sides.

I am not excusing their behavior, as I said above, I have issues with my inlaws and I''ve been there--nothing you can say will shock me. But I really think that may taking a step back and looking at their said as a parent might help you explain the situation to your son.

 

[HollyS]

I know you really like this girl . . . but they are much too young to talk about marriage. Boys are not men at 19. No matter how ''good'' they are. And, it seems that she is not yet mature enough to have this relationship with your son, and handle college, and accomodate her parents. "Forever" shouldn''t even be on their radar - - or yours, for that matter.

If your son is serious about her, then he will be patient and wait. If she is serious about him, then she will pay attention to her schoolwork, and be respectful of her parents. The only way her parents are going to accept your son as their son-in-law (in the future), is if they feel he can respect their opinions right now. If they think he is in any way responsible for their daughter ignoring their advice or wishes, then they will always be opposed to him.

And you have to understand, they may feel she is slipping away from them - - before she has fulfilled the potential that they had planned and hoped for. Perhaps they''re afraid she''ll get married and not get her degree. Or get pregnant before finishing her education. If they are lower middle class, they may have sacrificed quite a lot to send her to college. Or, for all you know, this may be her first really serious relationship, and they feel she is much to intensely involved, too soon.

If they truly are nutty as fruitcakes - - and be completely honest with yourself about whether they really are, or you are just reacting to their ''rejection'' of your son - - then your son needs to think seriously about whether he wants that dynamic in his future marriage. Difficult parents will lead to problems; problems that will only get worse after grandchildren arrive on the scene.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 8/5/2009 5:08:33 PM
Author: purrfectpear
19 and discussing marriage. No WONDER her parents are looking at you with the stink eye

Add to that, falling grades...your son might be perfect to you, but to her parents he''s just a distraction with a mommy.

Bluntly to-the-point.

Perhaps a wee bit too blunt.

But nontheless, correct. As usual.

Do you ever beat around the bush?

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/5/2009 5:08:33 PM
Author: purrfectpear
19 and discussing marriage. No WONDER her parents are looking at you with the stink eye

Add to that, falling grades...your son might be perfect to you, but to her parents he''s just a distraction with a mommy.

Ditto.

I dated someone when I was 18 and my grades were not great. Parents never liked him, blamed him as a distraction.

*shrugs* it happens

 

[pennquaker09]

I think you''ve been given some great advice; PS is great for that.

I met Nate when I was 19 and my dad could not stand him. I think my dad felt kind of like Katie''s parents feel, that I was too young. And it didn''t help that he was 26. My grades didn''t drop, but I did change and my dad didn''t really like the changes. I can only speculate, but maybe something like that is going on with her.

In my case, I think I can admit that Nate was the catalyst for some of those changes, but not in the way that my dad thought. I had to explain all of these things to him after Nate I became serious, but I think my dads main problem that he didn''t like that I was becoming an adult.

There is hope. Nate and my dad have an awesome relationship now. It just took him a while to come around.

 

[QueenB29]

Date: 8/5/2009 9:50:32 PM
Author: snowflakeluvr
thanks again. the girlfriend will be sleeping with my 21 yr old daughter, no question about that. as for the diabetes, i may be an anxious parent too,but most people don''t really know all that much about type 1, they hear diabetes and think ''oh he can''t eat sugar'' which is far from the truth. i really don''t pry or push myself-my son and his girlfriend are close to me. we have younger children, too, so our family is very accustomed to looking out for one another. the marriage discussions/references are casual but my son has said to me, mom, sometimes i think i could see myself with her forever. so i highly doubt that her parents have any clue about their lovey dovey feelings. i just listen and we discuss what marriage involves and how hard life can be!

my son also supported his girlfriend through her studies this year-he is a very applied student and would stay up late, late,late doing what he needed to do. he encouraged her to do the same-i totally would feel the same way if my daughter were distracted but in the end, it''s their grades and their accountability, so this summer i did encourage her to do her best and she did. but i know in college, my boyfriend(now hubby) was quite a distraction too.(now he''s just a nuisance

at times)

i was thinking earlier how we often have so little space to communicate our story to others here-it''s hard to share a real window into our lives sometimes. i just want my kids to be happy. my mother has not meddled into my marriage(though at times i wish she had! to straighten dh up!) but i have no plans to meddle either.

katie may never have the super close relationship with her mom that my kids do with me. i have no intention of ''replacing'' that to her, but i know i will continue to be an empathetic, caring person in my kids lives and in the lives of those i care deeply about. katie lives several hours from us so it''s not likely i will have contact with her mom. i will take your advice and not call her anymore, i''ll leave that to the kids.

my mom was very controlling and hyper critical. i have consciously tried very hard to not be those things to my kids, so maybe i can relate to katie more than i realized initially. we all parent in our own way, so i appreciate your input!

I agree that perhaps the socio-economic factor may lead to differences, but so may the way Katie''s parents were raised. They may feel like a relationship has been pushed on them before THEY were ready...I know you didn''t mean it that way, but that''s how it could come across to them. They probably felt that Katie could handle thanking you and it wasn''t their place since she''s 20. My mother is extremely reserved and proper, and she would be horrified if my MIL called her on the phone -- they communicate solely by sending holiday cards -- and there was no communication at all before DH and I got engaged. If you''re paying for Katie to take these trips, they may also feel very embarrassed, and perhaps that you''re trying to "steal" their daughter. I know that''s my mother''s greatest fear. It will never happen b/c my MIL and I despise each other, but she''s still terrified of that possibility.

If my MIL was so involved with my DH''s life, my parents would have immediately thought he was a mama''s boy, and that he might always have a problem cutting the cord or putting me first. I get that you adore him, of course you do, he''s your son

, and he sounds like a wonderful young man. But if he''s old enough to be in a serious relationship, he''s old enough to advocate for himself and take care of himself. My mom worries about my health all the time, and I know she''s there if I need her, but unless I ask for her help or advice, she''s simply there to love me and support me.

Good luck! In-law, future in-law and potential future in-law relationships are often difficult, with everyone feeling their way along, and often fraught with tension and hypersensitivity. At this stage, I would back off, and whatever you do, make sure you don''t criticize Katie''s parents in front of her or your son. I''m sure you wouldn''t do it on purpose, but you sound very hurt and things can sometimes slip out. I hope I haven''t offended you by any of this. I''m just trying to play devil''s advocate and look at things from their point of view.

((((((hugs))))

 

[Elmorton]

I agree with all of these posts.

1) Stop calling her parents. I would have been MORTIFIED if my parents were calling the parents of my college friends, let alone my boyfriend's parents. To boot, if my college boyfriends' parents were calling my parents, they would have thought the parents were completely nuts, and yeah, they'd be judging the family like crazy.

2) Nineteen is really young to get married. I think it's great that you're being supportive of your son's relationship, but there's maybe a line with too supportive.

3) If Katie's grades are dropping, yeah, she needs to focus on school. I'm a college instructor, and I see this all the time - some students have a really hard time juggling everything. Katie's parents may know her better than you do - maybe she sees your son as an easy "out" (ie, she doesn't need her education if she has him). If I were them, I wouldn't be supportive of the relationship either. Maybe it's not your son they dislike at all, but rather her behavior around him that they're not a fan of. That's a legit response.

4) Not everyone has the same relationship you have with your son, and that's OK. My parents are very open, loving, and we discuss emotional stuff easily. My DH's mom is the same way, but his dad is a little more formal and strict. Honestly, I've learned a lot from getting used to my FIL's style of parenting/relationships. Give Katie's parents some room and respect them for the boundaries you set.

5) Enjoy your vacation with Katie. Be her friend, but don't try to be her parent. And...I hope I don't get flamed for this, but it might not be a good idea to get too attached. Nineteen is young, college is a big place, and it sounds like you raised a good guy. If this relationship doesn't work out, it's important for you to be open to liking and supporting other women that may become a part of his life someday.