Sometimes, I think about breaking up with BF

[JulieN]

Could you live with it, knowing that you don't love someone as much as you could love?

Or do you reason that passion fades away, and what counts is how good/suitable a person is?

I don't really believe in one or the other, which is my problem. As philosophies, I think they are both ok, but I lack conviction.

 

[princesss]

I couldn''t live with it, personally. I give everything when I commit to something, and to know that I was...not holding back, necessarily, but not giving everything possible to give? It wouldn''t work for me.

Passion does fade, but you can find a person you are passionate about that is also a good match. It doesn''t have to be one or the other.

 

[iheartscience]

Hmm...this is a tough question for a lot of people, I think. A friend of my sister''s is pretty much in the same situation you describe.

I don''t think there''s necessarily a black and white answer, because a lot of times the most "passionate" relationships are not the most stable or even loving.

But I do think if you don''t love him as much as he loves you, it''s probably best to break up with him. Think about it-would you want to be with someone who didn''t love you as much as you loved him? I know I wouldn''t, and would rather get broken up with than continue in that relationship.

You''re pretty young, aren''t you? I don''t know your entire situation of course, but if you don''t feel your relationship is right, I think you should at least take a break and try to reevaluate.

It''s better to be alone than to be with someone you don''t really want to be with, in my opinion. I''ve never been the type to stay in a relationship past its expiration date.

 

[vslover]

I think life is too short to settle for not being madly in love.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 8/23/2008 11:04:09 PM
Author: thing2of2
Hmm...this is a tough question for a lot of people, I think. A friend of my sister''s is pretty much in the same situation you describe.

I don''t think there''s necessarily a black and white answer, because a lot of times the most ''passionate'' relationships are not the most stable or even loving.

But I do think if you don''t love him as much as he loves you, it''s probably best to break up with him. Think about it-would you want to be with someone who didn''t love you as much as you loved him? I know I wouldn''t, and would rather get broken up with than continue in that relationship.

You''re pretty young, aren''t you? I don''t know your entire situation of course, but if you don''t feel your relationship is right, I think you should at least take a break and try to reevaluate.

It''s better to be alone than to be with someone you don''t really want to be with, in my opinion. I''ve never been the type to stay in a relationship past its expiration date.

I''m pretty much in agreement, t2o2. It would be ok if we were both on the same page. We''ve never talked about this, though; it''s not the most terribly romantic subject.

I''m 22. This relationship hasn''t expired yet... but I''m probably not going to have a change of heart in a few months.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 8/23/2008 11:09:26 PM
Author: vslover
I think life is too short to settle for not being madly in love.

I think you are very lucky to believe in this so strongly.



On my age-this issue is not really something that goes away as one gets older, I think? I pretty much gave myself to someone when I was 19, and I never really recovered...and I wonder how much longer it will haunt me.

 

[LaraOnline]

Personally - and this is only personally - I think boredom is part of being young.
One day, you'll be with someone and you wont feel bored any more.
You'll be ready to plan your life, as it is, not as it should be.

The point is, every one is precious, and worthwhile, and if you don't like this person or love them that much, it's probably better to be honest and move on.
Really, if you're not actually in the market to marry, my personal feeling is that it is better to be single. High achievers tend to get involved later in life, not earlier, according to some silly statistic I read once. It is easy to see why. Romance can be very distracting, and it gets in the way of your dreams.

I have just edited my post, as I have read your response above. I think you should take yourself carefully, and with love. You are young, and you can recover your sense of integrity, by developing your sense of self. Being a success in the wide world (eg through study or career success) is a marvellous balm.

Developing your friendships, particularly friendships with family members, can also provide that sense of 'connection' that you no doubt crave. These family connections will also offer you a sense of protection and nurture that many people look for, unsuccessfully, in romantic relationships.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/23/2008 11:34:49 PM
Author: JulieN

Date: 8/23/2008 11:09:26 PM
Author: vslover
I think life is too short to settle for not being madly in love.

I think you are very lucky to believe in this so strongly.

As I get older, I see more and more it''s important to find someone you like who will be a good partner and (if you want to have kids) father. Really hot, passionate relationships don''t always equate to a happy life together.

 

[vslover]

Date: 8/23/2008 11:44:21 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 8/23/2008 11:34:49 PM

Author: JulieN

Date: 8/23/2008 11:09:26 PM

Author: vslover

I think life is too short to settle for not being madly in love.

I think you are very lucky to believe in this so strongly.

As I get older, I see more and more it''s important to find someone you like who will be a good partner and (if you want to have kids) father. Really hot, passionate relationships don''t always equate to a happy life together.

Oh I totally agree...but I believe you can have both. DH and I are *truly* madly in love with each other...and it shows. He''s also a great provider and father and my best friend. It''s possible to have both and certainly something to strive for...she''s too young to settle for less IMO.

 

[vslover]

Date: 8/23/2008 11:34:49 PM
Author: JulieN

Date: 8/23/2008 11:09:26 PM

Author: vslover

I think life is too short to settle for not being madly in love.

I think you are very lucky to believe in this so strongly.

I agre... I am lucky.

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Date: 8/23/2008 11:09:26 PM
Author: vslover
I think life is too short to settle for not being madly in love.

I definitely agree with this as well!

I think everyone is capable of having the relationship they want and the kind of love that really makes everything worthwhile. It might just take some time and effort to find it. But if you feel like the relationship you''re in isn''t the ideal one that you want, then you should move on. You can find someone who you can stay madly, deeply in love with year after year. I believe that everyone can. And if you aren''t madly, deeply in love with him, then it isn''t fair to him either.

 

[JulieN]

Date: 8/24/2008 12:13:32 AM
Author: PearlDahhhling

Date: 8/23/2008 11:09:26 PM

Author: vslover

I think life is too short to settle for not being madly in love.

I definitely agree with this as well!


I think everyone is capable of having the relationship they want and the kind of love that really makes everything worthwhile. It might just take some time and effort to find it. But if you feel like the relationship you're in isn't the ideal one that you want, then you should move on. You can find someone who you can stay madly, deeply in love with year after year. I believe that everyone can. And if you aren't madly, deeply in love with him, then it isn't fair to him either.

I think it's more important to be on the same page. It's a very American view, a very entitled view, that everyone can have that kind of love if they just work hard enough.

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Date: 8/24/2008 1:07:28 AM
Author: JulieN

Date: 8/24/2008 12:13:32 AM

Author: PearlDahhhling

Date: 8/23/2008 11:09:26 PM


Author: vslover


I think life is too short to settle for not being madly in love.

I definitely agree with this as well!



I think everyone is capable of having the relationship they want and the kind of love that really makes everything worthwhile. It might just take some time and effort to find it. But if you feel like the relationship you''re in isn''t the ideal one that you want, then you should move on. You can find someone who you can stay madly, deeply in love with year after year. I believe that everyone can. And if you aren''t madly, deeply in love with him, then it isn''t fair to him either.

I think it''s more important to be on the same page. It''s a very American view, a very entitled view, that everyone can have that kind of love if they just work hard enough.

You don''t think everyone can have that kind of love?

 

[JulieN]

Date: 8/23/2008 11:40:05 PM
Author: LaraOnline
Personally - and this is only personally - I think boredom is part of being young.

One day, you''ll be with someone and you wont feel bored any more.

You''ll be ready to plan your life, as it is, not as it should be.

The point is, every one is precious, and worthwhile, and if you don''t like this person or love them that much, it''s probably better to be honest and move on.

Really, if you''re not actually in the market to marry, my personal feeling is that it is better to be single. High achievers tend to get involved later in life, not earlier, according to some silly statistic I read once. It is easy to see why. Romance can be very distracting, and it gets in the way of your dreams.

I have just edited my post, as I have read your response above. I think you should take yourself carefully, and with love. You are young, and you can recover your sense of integrity, by developing your sense of self. Being a success in the wide world (eg through study or career success) is a marvellous balm.


Developing your friendships, particularly friendships with family members, can also provide that sense of ''connection'' that you no doubt crave. These family connections will also offer you a sense of protection and nurture that many people look for, unsuccessfully, in romantic relationships.

I am currently involved with a high achiever, and he is older. He''s almost at the average age of marriage for high achievers. You gotta wonder, if the average age of high achievers for marriage is higher than the general population, and men are more likely to marry younger women, then these high achieving men must be marrying less achieved women?

My ex gave me a great feeling of family...I miss that. Unfortunately, our relationship caused a lot of problems with my parents, and they are the typical Asian types anyway (protective and nurturing are not words that come to mind) so I''m not really interested in working on my relationship with my parents. I adore my bro and sis, though.

 

[JulieN]

Pearl, it is definitely not the norm, in my experience. In my family, I suspect one married couple (my cousin) might be very in love. I have seen plenty of working marriages where they didn't start out crazy in love, but I believe I have seen the couples appreciate each other more as time goes on.

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Date: 8/24/2008 1:33:31 AM
Author: JulieN
Pearl, it is definitely not the norm, in my experience. In my family, I suspect one married couple (my cousin) might be very in love. I have seen plenty of working marriages where they didn''t start out crazy in love, but I believe I have seen the couples appreciate each other more as time goes on.

While it may not be "the norm" in some cultures and societies, I still believe that it is attainable. I just think that a lot of people settle these days. I also think that love grows over time and that couples learn to appreciate each other over time, but I think that it is possible to have both crazy madly deeply kind of love as well as respect and appreciation and friendship. And that all of those things can grow with time.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 8/24/2008 1:25:05 AM
Author: JulieN
My ex gave me a great feeling of family...I miss that.

That says a lot to me. I agree with Travelinggal that you don''t have to be swinging from the ceiling or be "soul mates" to have a great relationship -- but to be life partners I *do* think you should feel "like family". I don''t think that''s too much to ask for. Or unrealistic. Or something that one could really be happy without in the long run.

If you don''t feel like you could ever feel that way about your BF ... food for thought.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/23/2008 10:56:37 PM
Author:JulieN
Could you live with it, knowing that you don't love someone as much as you could love?


Or do you reason that passion fades away, and what counts is how good/suitable a person is?


I don't really believe in one or the other, which is my problem. As philosophies, I think they are both ok, but I lack conviction.

When I was your age, I was more inclined to have fleeting moments of feeling the way you described. I always imagined myself single and dating in my 20's, and that has not been the case at all. I never wanted to date a ton of people, but I liked the idea of being a single girl, hanging out with GFs. My BF however, is and was my best friend. And he brings incredible balance to my life, and I found that as I worked on myself and making myself a happier, fuller person, our relationship has grown by leaps and bounds. It is easy to project personal unhappiness on a relationship. BF was never lukewarm, and I never let on if I ever felt that way (it wasn't often, just every now and again), but we have now been together for nearly five years, and I have been more and more satisfied and passionate and happy as the years have progressed. We both are. We thought we were happy at 22, but we are much happier now. The right person will work with you to improve your relationship. I guess what I am trying to say is, Love grows, if the soil is fertile.


You are also really young. If you aren't happy, now is a good time to be single Amazing people find you when you aren't looking.

 

[JulieN]

Pearl,

Maybe you think a lot of people settle, but maybe not everyone has the stamina for multiple heartbreaks. Or time...or whatever. Difficult to know which variable to optimize.


deco,

I just got back from a 2 month vacation where I was around his family a lot. With the language barrier, not having any relatives my age, or girls to talk to without him to translate, and some tensions with his dad, it was a little bit disheartening. I feel like I'm family with him, but to feel like family with your SO's family is a bonus.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 8/24/2008 1:07:28 AM
Author: JulieN

I think it''s more important to be on the same page. It''s a very American view, a very entitled view, that everyone can have that kind of love if they just work hard enough.

I tend to agree with you, Julie.
Americans, (and the Brits and the Aussies) have elevated romantic love to the point where it is culturally acceptable - even desirable - to ''work through'' a lot of partners in the search for ''the one''. The results in a lot of unnecessarily used, hurt and jaded people!

I believe all this deep upset to people is completely pointless and irresponsible. It also puts individuals in a very lonely place, as our culture - although strictly anti-rape and anti-child abuse - seems to assume that all consensual experience is recoverable. I think it is not.

Unfortunately, as it is a cultural way of doing things, it is very hard to see how an individual can avoid this process, other than through luck and then an ability to swim against the tide.

If you want to marry, by all means, marry. And take responsibility for your choices, and work hard to make your love (for it is love) a success!

 

[honey22]

Date: 8/23/2008 10:56:37 PM
Author:JulieN
Could you live with it, knowing that you don''t love someone as much as you could love?

Or do you reason that passion fades away, and what counts is how good/suitable a person is?

I don''t really believe in one or the other, which is my problem. As philosophies, I think they are both ok, but I lack conviction.

No. Life is too short. Do you want to be looking back at your life when it comes to an end, and know you havn''t loved as much as you could.

Passion doesn''t have to fade away, I think on the other hand it can increase with time and evolve into something deeper.

What matters is what you could live with? If you were at the end of your life this very minute, looking back over your relationship etc, can you say you would have no regrets? That this person gave you everything and you are contented with the love you gave? Only you can answer that question.

 

[bobbin]

I understand how you are feeling to a certain extent as well. I am also young (21) and am on my way to becoming a high achiever. I truly love my boyfriend. I believe that I love him as much as I am capable of loving anyone. But since the honeymoon stage, I haven''t really been passionate about him.

However, as Trillionare said, it is easy to project personal unhappiness onto a relationship and I feel that I am guilty of this. I am stressed, depressed and have very low energy (being a final year law student with a part time job for 42 hours a fortnight, living with my boyfriend, owning a house etc). I think that this dampens my ability to feel passionate about anything. However, I still believe that we are right for another, and I will be putting a lot of time and energy into improving our relationship as time goes on, and putting that passion back.

I also want to say that I am very impressed with the responses to this thread, they are respectful and show an understanding of the OP''s anguish over her dilemma, instead of jumping down her throat with aggressive advice.

 

[Lorelei]

Julie,

Passion does fade away somewhat, but what comes along to replace it is more rewarding, the sense of really being part of the same unit, life companions, having someone to rely on and be there for you come what may - this is what you give to each other. You can be different certainly and have opposite interests, but in my opinion your life goals need to be the same, in the long run you need to be on the same page about building your lives together.

My honest opinion? If you are having serious doubts now, you are absolutely right to listen to them. You pretty much know that if you stay in this relationship what you will get. Whether this is right for you, only you can tell. If you are fairly certain you want to be with this guy for the rest of your life, come what may, and you are willing to fight for this relationship then well and good. If not, then perhaps you need to have a rethink.

Many things can affect passion, relationships are shifting and adjusting all the time as you know, but some chemistry does matter absolutely. But also very important is feeling confident that you want to share your life with this man forever, and that is something that I think you may know deep down whether this relationship is right or not.

I know this is not an easy decision, but perhaps you are at a crossroads and you need to think carefully about what it is YOU want. You are still young, if you are having serious doubts, don''t settle, but give yourself the gift of freedom to find someone else who might be a better match for you.

I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide!

 

[diamondfan]

I think relationships evolve over time. Even if you have all the passion in the beginning, you settle into things too, life is just like that, and while the passion can still be there, other things start to become even more important.

If you are not feeling it, it might be best to think about a future with him...do you see it? Can you imagine yourselves raising kids, traveling, weathering hard times? Passion will not be what carries you through life each day, but it is important too.

I think we sometimes think of this big sweeping fairytale, and it is hard to let that go.

I am sorry about your ex, do you wish you could be with him again?

 

[Eva17]

Date: 8/24/2008 9:34:39 AM
Author: Lorelei
Julie,


Passion does fade away somewhat, but what comes along to replace it is more rewarding, the sense of really being part of the same unit, life companions, having someone to rely on and be there for you come what may - this is what you give to each other. You can be different certainly and have opposite interests, but in my opinion your life goals need to be the same, in the long run you need to be on the same page about building your lives together.


My honest opinion? If you are having serious doubts now, you are absolutely right to listen to them. You pretty much know that if you stay in this relationship what you will get. Whether this is right for you, only you can tell. If you are fairly certain you want to be with this guy for the rest of your life, come what may, and you are willing to fight for this relationship then well and good. If not, then perhaps you need to have a rethink.


Many things can affect passion, relationships are shifting and adjusting all the time as you know, but some chemistry does matter absolutely. But also very important is feeling confident that you want to share your life with this man forever, and that is something that I think you may know deep down whether this relationship is right or not.


I know this is not an easy decision, but perhaps you are at a crossroads and you need to think carefully about what it is YOU want. You are still young, if you are having serious doubts, don''t settle, but give yourself the gift of freedom to find someone else who might be a better match for you.


I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide![/QUOTE





i agree with the above. this is more about you right now. your are very young. take some time to make yourself happy first. no one person should be responsible for our happiness. it is not humanly possible. so if some of your needs are not being met, (only you know deep down what that is) then you need to ask yourself if this person is the right choice for you or are you just trying to achieve the lust ever after. since you are still young, i would say perhaps a little more time to figure it out would be a good thing.

can you imagine your life without him? do your goals change in a positive way when you try to picture that? or does your heart hurt?

 

[ksinger]

Date: 8/23/2008 10:56:37 PM
Author:JulieN
Could you live with it, knowing that you don''t love someone as much as you could love?

Or do you reason that passion fades away, and what counts is how good/suitable a person is?

I don''t really believe in one or the other, which is my problem. As philosophies, I think they are both ok, but I lack conviction.

Hmm....my background in a nutshell: closer to 50 than 20. Married once for 8 years, divorced, single for 9, now married to THE man. I''ve known him since I was 16, dated him all the way through college, broke up...married the OTHER guy

, divorced the OTHER guy, got back together with THE man, bad timing, broke up AGAIN, did that 9 year single thing (didn''t date a soul I might add) and I''m now married to THE man. I know: sounds like a bad plot for a sappy movie on a cable station.... Anyhoo....

My observations, (and understand that they come from having lived through all the years and putting it all together at the "end", rather than me seeing any of it while I was going through it) are these:

Sex is sex. Good sex can be had without compatibility. But a good sex life will not survive a growing lack of respect and will not hold you together if there is not already a strong compatibility of mind, sense of humor, and how you relate to the world. In fact, the passion will die after awhile, especially for us girls, if the emotional component of a relationship is under extreme stress. My first marriage was tempestuous, with us having things in common at a surface level, but not at a deep level. And in the end it died. And in your 20''s an 30''s, most people just flat out don''t have enough life experience to understand how important that deep level is. The "passion" gets in the way of it all. And the insecurities about either not actually knowing what you want, OR not knowing what is reasonable to expect, from another person. HOWEVER, IF you don''t feel real passion for the person - if he doesn''t make your..um..heart, go pitter patter, no matter how "good or suitable" he is, you probably won''t be able to manufacture it for him. In a long-term relationship can you fake a passion you don''t feel - for decades? He''s gonna figure it out eventually, and in the end you will be unable to use sex as that very visceral way to reconnect when things need "repair". Men in particular like to use sex as a way to reassure themselves that their relationships are OK. (And yes, he and I have talked about this alot - he''s confirmed many of my insights as true in general for guys). Hence that old saw about "make up sex".

Now, in spite of all the years "apart" my man and I were never really that far apart, if that makes any sense. So even though we''ve been married for a mere few months, having so many previous "iterations" and having known one another for 28 years, we are already old married. One friend of mine even expressed envy, stating that he wanted to be able to find someone and go straight to old comfortable married. Of course we didn''t actually do that, but put in rather a lot of work beforehand.

Anyway, my husband''s observations are that it is probably a good thing that we were apart...he thinks his "figuring it out" would have been way too hard on me - his changes have been rather more dramatic than mine, I can tell you. Neither one of us believes a marriage earlier could have weathered what we both had to learn. And in answer to your question does passion just die? No. But it does moderate some. It becomes deeper, but less driving, does that make sense? Much more light-hearted and loving and less hormone-driven. Better.

So I guess this weird little ramble would get to this: Yes, you can settle. People marry for all sorts of reasons. And stay married for a whole host of other reasons - trust me, I know quite a few couples of the 30+ year variety who are living lives of "quiet desperation". But IMO, marriage without the compatibility of mind, sense of humor, and world view, is too much of a hit, too much of a burden from the very start. For me, that is the most important, with the passion thing a close second. I would not settle for anything less, and didn''t. Of course, there was a very real possibility that I would end up alone for the rest of my life. I was OK with that. But most people aren''t, and getting to that mental place was not easy I''ll admit. Still, if you''d told me 2 years ago, that I''d be married, to the guy I''m married to, you''d have had to scrape my hysterically laughing body off the floor.

I''ll weigh in with the view that you need to keep looking. I''m the poster girl for improbable relationships and reality-is-stranger-than-fiction. Love can happen. Don''t give up on it just yet.

 

[icet]

I totally agree with diamond fan. Can you see yourself having a future with him or your ex? Being young, I don't think it's too much to say that you may not be ready for a committed relationship, esp with someone older who has their "relationship ways" already set. But....

I started dating my dh when i was just out of high school and it was pretty rocky actually, more physical initially. He was very mature for a 19 y/o and just starting college with a boyfriend is very tough. I was acting like your typical college kid, parties, late night etc and he was the steady rock that focused on his career. Our relationship grew as i was catching up to his maturity level. there were times when i thought in the back of my mind that maybe we are too different or this is too boring to be in a relationship but i was lucky enough that he was very patient and knew that he wanted a career and to eventually marry me (10 years later). We grew up, him faster but as i got older, i realized what was important in my life i.e. career/family/deep trusting solid relationships and the things that i thought were sooo great, i.e. parties, shopping, superficial fab friends weren't as important to me as it was back in the days. I don't know if that helps at all but i can see where you are coming from....

Remember, you're still really young so you shouldn't be afraid to make mistakes. All will not be lost if you broke up with him and you're life will not be set in stone if you decide to work on the relationship.

Good luck

 

[bubbly1126]

ksinger: And in answer to your question does passion just die? No. But it does moderate some. It becomes deeper, but less driving, does that make sense? Much more light-hearted and loving and less hormone-driven. Better.

I am 23, will be 24 in October, been with my boyfriend for 6 years this November and I couldn''t have said that better myself.

I also believe that people have many different definitions and what passion really means.

Just think about the future. Is your boyfriend the one who comes to mind? Can you see yourself raising children with him? Weathering through the bad times? Is he the one you can see yourself growing old with? If these questions are no, then I''d say it''s a pretty safe bet that you should move on. But if it''s not so clear to you... then give it more time. At 22, and even still at my age, I find that my mind can change very quickly. Really think about it before you do something you might regret. And in the mean time, rest assured that all of us ladies will be here to help you out!

 

[princesss]

I will say that when I have doubts (because no matter how much I love my BF, occasionally I get too wrapped up in my own head) I think about what life would be like without him. I would take my time and think through all the possibilities, to be honest.

I don''t think passion dies at all. I think it grows and changes and we grow and change. I''m 22 as well, and I''ve been with BF for 3.5 years. But I think everybody''s passion is different, if that makes sense.

When it comes down to it, is your everyday life happier and better because he''s in it? Do you feel like you have a good partner, and somebody to face the terrible times in life with? Because it''s easy to be happy in good times, but is this somebody that will stand with you and hold you up when you want to crumble, and respect you when you feel you are at your weakest?

Ultimately, though, if you feel like you can be happier, it could lead to disaster later, and it might be better to let him go and work towards being as happy as possible.

(Sorry, I know this post is a little disjointed.)

 

[jcarlylew]

i know this is going to sound HORRIBLE cheese, but there is truth in the line
"if you can''t be with the one you love, love the one youre with"

personally i dont think two people who are in love are ever in love the same amount at the same time. I know there''s days where god knows i love E, but i want to throw him off our balconly (ok, its only 2 floors up, and he''s pretty tall), and i am sure there are days were instead of being the wonderful woman that i am, i look like a purple festering monster with a ''tude to match.

but like others say, it takes time, patience and growth to keep the commitment together, to be stronger together and to keep on loving eachother, for longer. So i guess i work for both situations.

however if there is no respect in the relationship, then that is where it needs to be re-evaluated. E could love me past the stars and the moon, but if he didnt respect me, how could i live with myself?