Some feedback on what to do re: possible miscommunication

[CJ2008]

I'd like some feedback about a situation I'm in (it's minor - very minor) but it's on my mind - I'm going to try to describe it in general without going into too much detail.

Someone who's part of weekly group I'm in sent me a text recently voicing some opinions as to how things should be done in the group...and in that opinion she expressed some things about other people that were somewhat negative. Nothing horrible. But I saw it as that she put something out there that implied at least some trust in me / vulnerability (although I have no idea if she's said similar things to *other* people in the group about others - so I might be placing more weight on her telling me this than it deserves.)

The thing is, I didn't agree with what she was saying. I saw it differently. So in my response I expressed how I saw it - as tactfully as I could and using phrases like "I'm thinking that" "it may be that" etc. so as to not come off as I knew better or the way I saw it was the ONLY way to see it. Or that I was judging any of what she said.

I didn't acknowledge any of the statements she made about the other people - not because I didn't agree with the observation she made about these people necessarily - but because what she was complaining about and what she was blaming it on wasn't really the cause and therefore her solution/what she thought was the fix really wasn't (at least in my eyes).

But I thought maybe I should also add a general acknowledgment like "I hear you" or something like that just as an extra feeling that she didn't have to feel weird that she spilled all these thoughts to me. But I asked DH and he thought I didn't need to do that so I just replied with how I saw it w/o any general acknowledgment.

Well...she's been weird ever since then. Where normally she greets me when she sees me (this has been the case for the last 6 months we've been part of the same group) and we have a good rapport the last two times we saw each other she's avoided me. I feel like if I didn't go greet her she would have tried to leave without speaking to me.

It's been bothering me even though I realize it may be complete coincidence or something totally unrelated/nothing to do with me why she didn't approach me.

It just bothers me to think she may think I may not be trustworthy and she regrets saying the things she said - I wouldn't dream of divulging any of what she said to anybody else in the group. Ever. I think it matters more to me because out of the whole group she is the one person I actually like most by far even though our relationship is very casual.

If she continues to feel a little distant / like she's avoiding me should I ask if everything's OK? Or do I just let it go? Maybe over time (if she is regretting telling me any of what she said) she'll see she didn't have anything to worry about...or if the relationship doesn't "recover" and she's just never be the same I just shouldn't care since it's such a casual relationship and I know what I'm about.

I guess I'm asking if I should try to do any damage control or if I should just let it go and just wait and see. What do you think?

Thanks

 

[monarch64]

Re: Some feedback on what to do re: possible miscommunicatio

You didn't do anything wrong. Here's what it sounds like to me: she wanted to instigate some drama between group members and she wanted to get you on her side. When you took a diplomatic approach and didn't immediately agree with her and strengthen her cause by joining in, her interest in you as an ally waned and yes, now she thinks you're not to be trusted. Do not be surprised to find out later that she's been talking negatively about you behind your back as well, and that you've become a target in some way.

All you can do at this point is encourage openness and transparency among members of the group. And whenever it becomes obvious that there is drama happening because of your ringleader/pot stirrer friend, well, time to leave the group. Ain't nobody got time for that!

 

[telephone89]

Re: Some feedback on what to do re: possible miscommunicatio

Just let it go. It sounds like maybe she wanted to 'bond' with you over some gossip. She'll get over it.

 

[momhappy]

Re: Some feedback on what to do re: possible miscommunicatio

I agree with telephone. I think she probably realized that you weren't the person that she could confide in and now she probably regrets telling you. I'd let it go.

 

[kenny]

Re: Some feedback on what to do re: possible miscommunicatio

You said she texted you, but didn't say how you communicated back.
Was it also via text?

If so texting is probably not adequate for these kind of communications.
Email would be better.
Phone would be even better.
In person talking would be best.

 

[marymm]

Re: Some feedback on what to do re: possible miscommunicatio

Yeah, I think she was looking for someone who is into negative gossip/drama.

I don't think it is so much that she doesn't trust you now, but that she's crossed you off her list of potential camp followers so (in her playbook of "you're either for me or against me") no need for friendly courtesies any more.

I do think she's shown her true colors and as others suggested, likely you now feature in her negative gossip texts to others.

IMHO, don't waste another minute thinking about this person. [But I would save her text and your response, just for a while.]

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Some feedback on what to do re: possible miscommunicatio

You didn't do anything wrong. Here's what it sounds like to me: she wanted to instigate some drama between group members and she wanted to get you on her side. When you took a diplomatic approach and didn't immediately agree with her and strengthen her cause by joining in, her interest in you as an ally waned and yes, now she thinks you're not to be trusted. Do not be surprised to find out later that she's been talking negatively about you behind your back as well, and that you've become a target in some way.

All you can do at this point is encourage openness and transparency among members of the group. And whenever it becomes obvious that there is drama happening because of your ringleader/pot stirrer friend, well, time to leave the group. Ain't nobody got time for that!

Thanks for your feedback monarch.

I totally see how instigating drama could have been her intent. And I'm not saying it wasn't, because I have no way of knowing, and I don't know her well at all. At the same time being that I somewhat like her - or want to like her - I'd like to think (or I'm more inclined to think) that maybe (like telephone said) she was just trying to bond with me.

It IS possible that she was just saying those things even though she doesn't mean anything malicious by it - it *could* be that she just made a mistake in letting it out, you know? (because I am sure all the people in the group have something negative to say about everybody else, they're just smart enough not to say anything and/or not interested in creating drama or negativity).

That said, yeah, if she was interested in having a "negativity" buddy she didn't find one in me. So if that was her intention - and I really hope it wasn't but just a misspeaking - I could also see how I could become a target because of it, because it's too embarrassing to expose yourself that way and not get what you were hoping in return.

I hope it was just misspeaking on her part that would be better (because I'm not willing to leave the group - I get too much out of it to leave. Unless the drama/negativity becomes unbearable, I'm there to stay. )

This is all probably very commonplace in groups but it's new to me because I never take part in groups if I can help it haha

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Some feedback on what to do re: possible miscommunicatio

Just let it go. It sounds like maybe she wanted to 'bond' with you over some gossip. She'll get over it.

Right telephone...which is why I was careful in my response because my instinct told me that...but yet I wasn't willing to agree with something I just didn't agree with...nor did I want to play into saying something negative about anybody else...

I agree with telephone. I think she probably realized that you weren't the person that she could confide in and now she probably regrets telling you. I'd let it go.

She probably realized I wasn't the person to confide in with negativity/gossip...yeah...

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Some feedback on what to do re: possible miscommunicatio

You said she texted you, but didn't say how you communicated back.
Was it also via text?

If so texting is probably not adequate for these kind of communications.
Email would be better.
Phone would be even better.
In person talking would be best.

Yes, via text...

I don't do the telephone so email or in person would have the only 2 choices

But you're right...when I sensed that this was a somewhat sticky/sensitive issue I should have replied something really general and then say "we'll talk better when I see you next week" and waited until I saw her to talk more...

The thing is in person we are always surrounded by everyone else so it would have been difficult to have any sort of meaningful discussion.

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Some feedback on what to do re: possible miscommunicatio

Yeah, I think she was looking for someone who is into negative gossip/drama.

I don't think it is so much that she doesn't trust you now, but that she's crossed you off her list of potential camp followers so (in her playbook of "you're either for me or against me") no need for friendly courtesies any more.

I do think she's shown her true colors and as others suggested, likely you now feature in her negative gossip texts to others.

IMHO, don't waste another minute thinking about this person. [But I would save her text and your response, just for a while.]

I agree she's probably "crossed me off" in some way.

If she just misspoke she's probably just feeling embarrassed / exposed. And might eventually kind of get over it and we'll be fine.

If she's into negativity/drama I may become her least favorite in the group, for sure.

My DH tells me not to worry about it too that I did nothing wrong at all. That I was true to what I think and how I really see things. He thinks if I had made my response vague or if I had acknowledged any of what she said she may have taken that and used it as in "when I spoke to x about it, she agreed with me" type of thing.

Thanks everyone.

 

[azstonie]

Re: Some feedback on what to do re: possible miscommunicatio

What Monnie said.

*She* avoided *you?* Should have been the other way around! Pulled you into a toxic gossip about your friends and you are worried about her? Not that you need help or advice, but when this happens to me, at the first break in the gossipping I jump in and say that I don't talk about my friends behind their backs, so we're going to have to change the subject. If they continue, and sometimes they do, I say if one more thing is said I'm taking it to the person being gossipped about so everyone is up front and accountable.

This keeps the nastiness off my doorstep.

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Some feedback on what to do re: possible miscommunicatio

What Monnie said.

*She* avoided *you?* Should have been the other way around! Pulled you into a toxic gossip about your friends and you are worried about her? Not that you need help or advice, but when this happens to me, at the first break in the gossipping I jump in and say that I don't talk about my friends behind their backs, so we're going to have to change the subject. If they continue, and sometimes they do, I say if one more thing is said I'm taking it to the person being gossipped about so everyone is up front and accountable.

This keeps the nastiness off my doorstep.

None of these people are friends...we are all part of the same group over a common interest.

Actually, out of the whole group, this is the one person I could see that maybe over time I may become friendlier with, as in maybe we'd go to lunch one day type of thing.

I think that's why it bothers me...I was kind of surprised to realize that she was avoiding me...and then it kind of made me a little sad that the one person I kind of thought I might really like would end up being the worst "connection" out of the whole group.

 

[Jambalaya]

Re: Some feedback on what to do re: possible miscommunicatio

CJ: Something I have noticed is that some people will really dislike you simply for disagreeing with them - and for those people, it doesn't matter how gently or politely you disagree. I know three people like that. I politely disagreed with each at various times and they basically never spoke to me again. Just this week, a family member who has always been difficult invited me for Christmas. I already have plans with some of the more vulnerable members of my family and I explained this. She got very mad despite me being perfectly civil about it. Some people are just ridiculous in this way. It's difficult to judge your situation without reading the messages, but it's possible that she was embarrassed. However, just keep in mind that some people will only be warm toward you if you agree with them all the time, and if she's one of those, then I'd just think and forget about her.

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Some feedback on what to do re: possible miscommunicatio

CJ: Something I have noticed is that some people will really dislike you simply for disagreeing with them - and for those people, it doesn't matter how gently or politely you disagree. I know three people like that. I politely disagreed with each at various times and they basically never spoke to me again. Just this week, a family member who has always been difficult invited me for Christmas. I already have plans with some of the more vulnerable members of my family and I explained this. She got very mad despite me being perfectly civil about it. Some people are just ridiculous in this way. It's difficult to judge your situation without reading the messages, but it's possible that she was embarrassed. However, just keep in mind that some people will only be warm toward you if you agree with them all the time, and if she's one of those, then I'd just think and forget about her.

Someone's already making Christmas plans? That would stress me out so much. I thought my mom was bad and she usually starts talking about it November!

(all joking aside it seems like you have your reasons to plan Christmas this early so I don't mean to make fun of that in that respect).

My text was as gentle and polite as I could make it while staying true to what I needed/wanted to say.

I think it's very possible she was embarrassed - that's why I felt bad - in case it was just a mistake on her part.

But - it could be what you say/the other reason - maybe she either wants someone to agree with her all the time or she is into drama/negativity. I may never get to figure it out/find out.

We'll see.

For now I know to just not worry about it - I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I did the right thing. Honestly I would be feeling like I betrayed one particular person in the group had I agreed with what had been said. Again, not because what was said was not accurate. But, just, because...I'm glad I didn't say anything and that's what I gotta hold on to.

 

[missy]

Re: Some feedback on what to do re: possible miscommunicatio

And this is why I prefer animals (in general) over people. Oy. I agree with those who say she was probably trying to draw you into negative talk about others. Best to avoid completely and you did nothing wrong. I have little patience for gossipy nasty behavior.

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Some feedback on what to do re: possible miscommunicatio

And this is why I prefer animals (in general) over people. Oy. I agree with those who say she was probably trying to draw you into negative talk about others. Best to avoid completely and you did nothing wrong. I have little patience for gossipy nasty behavior.

Missy so glad to get your take on this

I knew before joining this group that the people aspect was going to be the most difficult for me. But what I was thinking was that there would be a lot expectations around socializing outside of "group time" - a lot of invitations to here and there (that I'd have no interest in participating in.) Thankfully that has not happened and for the most part people are just expected to show up when it's group time.

But what did surprise me was the high schoolish behavior I've seen at times (including 2 people whispering into each other's ear in a way that conveyed "yes we're talking about you/someone here" and one person going out of her way to greet everyone but me. This went on for weeks. I had to work REALLY hard to not let that stuff get to me believe it or not.

But like I said I am in the group because of what I get out of it for myself and I am not going to let anybody take that away.

I will distance myself from this person and observe - time will tell me more. Like I also said, it's just a little sad to me because I thought I had found one person in the group I could have a nicer relationship / rapport with. But if she really was showing her true colors then no and I'm glad it happened now and everyone can be put in the same "slot" and I can just focus on what I am truly there for.