Home Some advice needed please (rather long)

[kickinchicken]

I''m a regular on PS but for privacy sake, I signed up with a fake name as I know some PSers IRL and don''t want anyone to know who I am.

Here''s my issue, and I really need feel like I need help. I realize this is a diamond forum, but I REALLY trust the members on here as they are worldly and full of great advice.

My partner and I are marrying in 2010. We''re both in our mid-twenties. Our relationship is amazing, except in one area: the bedroom. We have intercourse, however, for roughly the past 2 months, every time we have intercourse, he loses his ''excitedness'' (if you know what I mean) during intercourse. It seems to have started when he really began to have a diffucult time at work. He is able to get excited, and maintains it for about 10 minutes before he loses it. The first few times it happened, I was pretty upset, but know realize that he probably believes it will happen every time, and that perpetuates the loss. He is slightly depressed (which he won''t seek help for) mainly because of his job and financial situatuion (which is is working very hard on resolving). His bosses are very nasty and cruel to him, and his coworkers are disrespectful to him. They never listen to what he has to say, and he can''t talk to anyone about what is going on there because the entire company is awful. He has a very hard time leaving work at work, and often will spend a lot of time at home pondering about work. Obviously, he can''t quit his job because of the terrible job market, so he''s stuck there. I also know a lot of this (depression, hatred of work, unable to escape, I''m the breadwinner, etc) perpetuates feelings of not feeling "manly" enough (he''s told me this). However, I really am starting to get down on not being able to enjoy a full sexual experience with my partner. I love him to bits and would NEVER in a million years leave him or cheat on him because of this, but I really have nowhere to turn for advice and even though there is evidence to the contrary, I feel unattractive, unsexual and it''s starting to affect my self esteem (which I''ve had many issues with in the past, growing up weighing ~250 lbs, lost about 110 lbs since teenage years). I''ve tried to tell him that he needs something to ''clear his head'' (working out, walking, hobbies, etc) and he agrees, but can''t find the motivation to do so (I can''t tell if it''s the depression or sheer laziness).

I guess I''m asking for advice on what to do here. Has anyone ever experienced this in a relationship? How did you handle it? Thanks in advance.

 

[Porridge]

Aw I''m so sorry to hear that. Isn''t it amazing how these things manifest themselves?

I really think that your fiance needs all the support you can give him here. First and foremost - this is NOT about you, at all. There is no doubt in my mind that your fiance finds you as sexy and as attractive as he did the day he met you. I completely understand how the current situation could lead to you feeling the way you do, but don''t let yourself get sucked into that. These things that are affecting your fiance are huge deals to most men. Not succeeding at work, not succeeding in the bedroom...these are probably the two main areas that make men feel like "men". They have got to do well here, or they are failures. Ya know? And that is probably spilling over into everything, turning it into a vicious cycle. He probably feels unworthy, incapable...just downright awful.

You need to do what you can to get his confidence back up. If he won''t see anyone right now, go to a counsellor yourself and find out what you can do to support him through this difficult time, and to deal with your own feelings too. For him: focus on positives, do things that take his mind off work, weekend activities etc. Why not start actively looking for another job? Emphasise his good points, help him find out what opportunities may be out there.

For the bedroom: Flatter him, let him know you find him sexy and do not focus on the current bedroom problems. Get into a relaxed environment. Maybe spend some time just focusing on foreplay? There are great books out there with ideas for bedroom activities that don''t involve intercourse. Try focusing on these, so that the "excitedness" isn''t an issue, and be sure to let him know when you are enjoying yourself!!

Certainly the main problem is that your fiance sounds depressed, and that needs to be resolved ASAP, for both your sakes. I think professional help would be invaluable here. Big hugs.

 

[RaiKai]

Well, there is nothing YOU can do at this point more than you are doing (i.e. being supportive and being there to witness his experiences and feelings). And of course being patient about the sexual difficulties.

Your partner needs to take some control over his own life, and not blame external sources (even if his job DOES suck) and, if he is unhappy with the situation, needs to make choices to change the situation. This means finding a new job (i.e. he does not need to quit before finding one...but he needs to get out there and be looking), and seeing someone (i.e. a therapist and a doctor) about his depression. While his job may be part of what is bothering him at the moment, the truth is there is ALWAYS something in life that can "get to us" so there is something more at issue here than job dissatisfaction. Depression is underlying whatever is going on in his life...and even a change to the best job in the world is not going to change that. He needs help.

And he needs to talk to someone about his own feelings of inadequacy. I am the main breadwinner in my home too (for a period of time the ONLY breadwinner) and while my DH sometimes also felt the societal pressure we talked about it, he talked about it with a counselor, and our relationship actually improved by working together and being open and honest about one another. And for us both...NO job is worth sacrificing our relationship or our emotional health for. Period.

I have however had experience with sexual difficulties in a past relationship with an ex of mine...specifically a lack of libido on his part...and it was very difficult and he was unwilling to talk to anyone about it and so on. All I can say is that things did not improve, and not for a lack of effort on *my* part...but he just was not willing to talk to anyone or put the effort into working on the issue. When we finally went our separate ways, we had not been sexually intimate in a YEAR. Your partner NEEDS to be willing to work - all the work in the world (or all the sexy lingerie in the world) on your part won't change a thing,

 

[cara]

I do think your partner needs your love and support, but he needs that love and support AS WELL as he needs to actively seek help for himself. All you know now is that he is stressed, depressed, it is affecting your sex life and your self-esteem, BUT HE WOLN''T SEEK HELP FOR IT. That is the not encouraging part. Depression is notorious for complicating treatment because it seems so difficult for people in the midst of it to take action on their own behalf. I can imagine that sexy-time problems are also extremely embarrassing to seek help for, but at the same time that is what the professionals are there for. Right now your FI is choosing to avoid addressing the problems or seeking help because those barriers are so high, but that doesn''t bode well for solving the current problems or solving future difficult problems that come your way.

I think you need to lay this out there like a problem to be solved. You can give all the love and support and wear all the sexy underwear you want, but if he isn''t willing to address things either by talking to his doctor, a therapist, changing jobs, etc. then he isn''t pulling his weight in solving this problem. And clearly it is a problem in your marriage as it is affecting both of you and how you feel about yourselves.

 

[Sha]

Date: 5/11/2010 1:32:19 PM
Author: Porridge
Aw I''m so sorry to hear that. Isn''t it amazing how these things manifest themselves?

I really think that your fiance needs all the support you can give him here. First and foremost - this is NOT about you, at all. There is no doubt in my mind that your fiance finds you as sexy and as attractive as he did the day he met you. I completely understand how the current situation could lead to you feeling the way you do, but don''t let yourself get sucked into that. These things that are affecting your fiance are huge deals to most men. Not succeeding at work, not succeeding in the bedroom...these are probably the two main areas that make men feel like ''men''. They have got to do well here, or they are failures. Ya know? And that is probably spilling over into everything, turning it into a vicious cycle. He probably feels unworthy, incapable...just downright awful.

You need to do what you can to get his confidence back up. If he won''t see anyone right now, go to a counsellor yourself and find out what you can do to support him through this difficult time, and to deal with your own feelings too. For him: focus on positives, do things that take his mind off work, weekend activities etc. Why not start actively looking for another job? Emphasise his good points, help him find out what opportunities may be out there.

For the bedroom: Flatter him, let him know you find him sexy and do not focus on the current bedroom problems. Get into a relaxed environment. Maybe spend some time just focusing on foreplay? There are great books out there with ideas for bedroom activities that don''t involve intercourse. Try focusing on these, so that the ''excitedness'' isn''t an issue, and be sure to let him know when you are enjoying yourself!!

Certainly the main problem is that your fiance sounds depressed, and that needs to be resolved ASAP, for both your sakes. I think professional help would be invaluable here. Big hugs.

Sounds like his problem is definitely related to stress/anxiety/depression. It''s not uncommon to have erectile problems when feeling stressed or tense or anxious, as far as I know. I agree wtih him getting help for the depression and perhaps looking to change jobs, if possible.

I also agree with Porridge that some cheerleading would probably help boost his confidence in the bedroom dept. You mentioned that you were upset the first time the problem happened. Was it obvious? I''m not asking to blame you for your reaction, because I can definitely understand why you would be upset. In my experience, though, an obviously upset reaction to a problem like this can make a man even more worried/anxious about it happening again, which can set up a vicious cycle of performance anxiety, where itself can be responsible for erectile problems (complicating the original issue further - which you don''t want). I had a sort of "similar* performance anxiety problem with DH at one point, and what helped was LOTS of patience and support - and trying as hard as possible to keep my emotions under control, as bad as it made me feel. Things improved a lot after that.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 5/11/2010 2:53:42 PM
Author: Sha

Sounds like his problem is definitely related to stress/anxiety/depression. It''s not uncommon to have erectile problems when feeling stressed or tense or anxious, as far as I know. I agree wtih him getting help for the depression and perhaps looking to change jobs, if possible.

I also agree with Porridge that some cheerleading would probably help boost his confidence in the bedroom dept. You mentioned that you were upset the first time the problem happened. Was it obvious? I''m not asking to blame you for your reaction, because I can definitely understand why you would be upset. In my experience, though, an obviously upset reaction to a problem like this can make a man even more worried/anxious about it happening again, which can set up a vicious cycle of performance anxiety, where itself can be responsible for erectile problems (complicating the original issue further - which you don''t want). I had a sort of ''similar* performance anxiety problem with DH at one point, and what helped was LOTS of patience and support - and trying as hard as possible to keep my emotions under control, as bad as it made me feel. Things improved a lot after that.

The problem probably originally started with the depression over his job situation and feeling very down about his work environment. From what I hear, performance issues can be a common problem when men go through stressful times. Libido drops, performance is affected. Unfortunately, once it happened the first time or second time, he then worried about it *each and every time* after that. He worries it''s going to happen, he worries it''s going to make you upset, he worries it''s going to make you think he''s less of a man or that you''ll think you''re to blame (which you absolutely are not). Now, the problem is that he worries way too much each time about it happening *again*, so therefore it DOES happen again! As Sha said - it''s a vicious cycle.

I would rather not go into too many details, but last year for a short time DH and I had a similar problem - he was having a difficult time at work (constantly worrying about getting laid off) and it affected things. Problem was, once it happened the first time, it was hard to break the cycle because the worrying about it happening again was causing it to happen again! It was not easy for me because I did feel to blame, but after long, extensive talks with DH I realized it had nothing to do with me and it wasn''t his fault at all either. I was patient, supportive, and tried to be as understanding as I could be. Obviously it''s a frustrating situation, but getting upset with him will only make it worse.

My suggestion is go back to the basics - just kissing, cuddling, touching, etc. Nothing more than that. Compliment him, but don''t put pressure on him to have sex. Focus on other physical aspects of your relationship that don''t involve intercourse. Show him how much you still want and desire him but don''t bring sex into the equation for a few days. After a couple days/a week or two of that (and of not having to worry at all about ''performing'') hopefully he will stop worrying about what would or wouldn''t happen and he will begin to relax and feel like his old self again.

Over time, things got *much* better for DH and I and he always told me the only reason it got better was because I took all the pressure off of him. He stopped worrying constantly about disappointing me or about not being able to do what he was "supposed to" do. And when he didn''t feel pressure to perform anymore, he stopped having the problems!

This should hopefully help somewhat with the bedroom issues, but I do think maybe your fiance should talk to someone about how depressed he is feeling about work. It''s not always easy to talk to people about these things or to seek counseling, but if he is really feeling depressed about all of this maybe a few sessions with a therapist could benefit him. *Hugs*

 

[Circe]

Tough situation. I haven''t been in exactly this situation before, but I, uh, read a lot of Dan Savage, Pat Califa, and co., and I''ve been unofficial relationship counselor to half the Eastern Seaboard. So ...

First off, the suggestion of counseling/therapy for him is a good idea. Not because of the erectile issues, but because you''re basically saying that he''s despondent, and that''s no way to feel. I also think the gender issues around this are somewhat problematic (why does being a man mean earning more than one''s wife or partner? what kind of weird superiority complex is tied up in that? this is how and why the patriarchy hurts all of us (tm)), but outside of being reassuring and telling him that if the situation were reversed you are certain that he would support you, this is probably also best handled in therapy.

As for the bedroom stuff? My advice would be to take traditional sex off the table. Stick with pleasurable activities that don''t require an erection: just cuddling, making out, mutual masturbation, etc. If he''s losing his erection, and presumably curtailing further sexual activity when his potential for funtimes end, after two months, no wonder you''re frustrated! I think if you start having less goal-oriented sex, it might help matters.

One last thing: you can''t do this all by yourself. If he vetoes your suggestions - because of his depression, because it embarrasses him, whatever - remind yourself that that choice has nothing to do with you, just like his current physical difficulties are not a reflection of your attractiveness. While I haven''t been in this exact situation, I did have one partner who had a very low libido ... and right at the time of life when my libido was at its highest. Oh, I felt so ugly. And you know what? I look back at pictures, and I was (in all modesty) really heartbreakingly beautiful. It had absolutely nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. On the other hand, I had some of the best sex of my life with a partner who knew that it''s not all about penetration, and that it does happen to all men: whenever he got soft, he also got, er, creative. Your man is a part of this relationship, and that means he also needs to take responsibility for relationship issues ... even when he''s causing them. Sometimes, it takes some pointing out for people to realize that: the test of character comes in how they respond once they realize that they''re not making their partner as happy as they could be. Good luck!

 

[oddoneout]

I agree with others that say to not focus so much on the sex act itself. Also I think it would help for him to work through his stress and problems. I like your advice of exercise and hobbies but seeing a counsellor could help too. I''m glad you''re trying to be understanding.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Can he pinpoint a thought or something that triggers it? Everything is going fine then boom *something* pops in his head and down he goes? If he can figure out what it is...

Also, is he able to achieve orgasm at all? Manually or orally? Is it just during intercourse or is it more widespread?

(((((hugs))))) This has to be hard for you...

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 5/11/2010 3:34:53 PM
Author: Lilac

Date: 5/11/2010 2:53:42 PM
Author: Sha

Sounds like his problem is definitely related to stress/anxiety/depression. It''s not uncommon to have erectile problems when feeling stressed or tense or anxious, as far as I know. I agree wtih him getting help for the depression and perhaps looking to change jobs, if possible.

I also agree with Porridge that some cheerleading would probably help boost his confidence in the bedroom dept. You mentioned that you were upset the first time the problem happened. Was it obvious? I''m not asking to blame you for your reaction, because I can definitely understand why you would be upset. In my experience, though, an obviously upset reaction to a problem like this can make a man even more worried/anxious about it happening again, which can set up a vicious cycle of performance anxiety, where itself can be responsible for erectile problems (complicating the original issue further - which you don''t want). I had a sort of ''similar* performance anxiety problem with DH at one point, and what helped was LOTS of patience and support - and trying as hard as possible to keep my emotions under control, as bad as it made me feel. Things improved a lot after that.

The problem probably originally started with the depression over his job situation and feeling very down about his work environment. From what I hear, performance issues can be a common problem when men go through stressful times. Libido drops, performance is affected. Unfortunately, once it happened the first time or second time, he then worried about it *each and every time* after that. He worries it''s going to happen, he worries it''s going to make you upset, he worries it''s going to make you think he''s less of a man or that you''ll think you''re to blame (which you absolutely are not). Now, the problem is that he worries way too much each time about it happening *again*, so therefore it DOES happen again! As Sha said - it''s a vicious cycle.

I would rather not go into too many details, but last year for a short time DH and I had a similar problem - he was having a difficult time at work (constantly worrying about getting laid off) and it affected things. Problem was, once it happened the first time, it was hard to break the cycle because the worrying about it happening again was causing it to happen again! It was not easy for me because I did feel to blame, but after long, extensive talks with DH I realized it had nothing to do with me and it wasn''t his fault at all either. I was patient, supportive, and tried to be as understanding as I could be. Obviously it''s a frustrating situation, but getting upset with him will only make it worse.

My suggestion is go back to the basics - just kissing, cuddling, touching, etc. Nothing more than that. Compliment him, but don''t put pressure on him to have sex. Focus on other physical aspects of your relationship that don''t involve intercourse. Show him how much you still want and desire him but don''t bring sex into the equation for a few days. After a couple days/a week or two of that (and of not having to worry at all about ''performing'') hopefully he will stop worrying about what would or wouldn''t happen and he will begin to relax and feel like his old self again.

Over time, things got *much* better for DH and I and he always told me the only reason it got better was because I took all the pressure off of him. He stopped worrying constantly about disappointing me or about not being able to do what he was ''supposed to'' do. And when he didn''t feel pressure to perform anymore, he stopped having the problems!

This should hopefully help somewhat with the bedroom issues, but I do think maybe your fiance should talk to someone about how depressed he is feeling about work. It''s not always easy to talk to people about these things or to seek counseling, but if he is really feeling depressed about all of this maybe a few sessions with a therapist could benefit him. *Hugs*

This is a great suggestion. I read something very similar to this in a marriage book (by Dr. John Gottman) that is well known and respected.
They suggested that a great way to get both people interested and excited is to spend time just touching. Touch each other in whatever way feels good. The whole point is to make each other feel good. The only "rule" is that there will be NO intercourse that night -- touching/kissing/rubbing/whatever only.
Then the next night (or later in the evening) you really want more and it just happens.


For the depression part, he needs support right now and something to do that he can be successful at. (build a piece of furniture, clean a room in the house that he''s been meaning to get to, order and set up the sound system he''s always wanted, lose 5 pounds, etc.)
(a friend was really struggling with depression/anxiety over work - he was laid off - and life in general and having trouble getting interested in anything. He organized his garage and felt a bit better and then decided to finish setting up the speakers in his TV room. What a difference in his attitude -- he actually sounds reasonably happy, is doing more stuff, and is back to doing the things he had lost interest in.)

 

[kickinchicken]

Thanks for all of the great advice, ladies.

Ceh, he is able to orgasm without any issues. He''s told me that while we''ll be having intercourse, he''lll think about it, and he''ll lose it.

I just want my fiance to be happy, and I know he needs some professional intervention (I''m in the psych/social work field) and he won''t get it. I think it''s engrained in the gender biases in society as Circe suggested; that''s it''s "not manly" to go to therapy/be depressed/etc.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 5/12/2010 1:38:18 PM
Author: kickinchicken
Thanks for all of the great advice, ladies.


Ceh, he is able to orgasm without any issues. He''s told me that while we''ll be having intercourse, he''lll think about it, and he''ll lose it.


I just want my fiance to be happy, and I know he needs some professional intervention (I''m in the psych/social work field) and he won''t get it. I think it''s engrained in the gender biases in society as Circe suggested; that''s it''s ''not manly'' to go to therapy/be depressed/etc.

I''m no professional but I think this is an anxiety issue... he may be depressed and that may be what started the whole thing, but this very specific issue sounds like anxiety.