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So upset please help

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feepy5

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jun 21, 2008
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20
I''m so upset and I don''t know what to do. My parents retired and moved to Africa almost 10 years ago. My dad is originally from South Africa and my mom lived there for several years before they got married and moved to the states. When I told them my FI and I were getting married they said they were planning on making a trip come for the wedding. This is part of the reason we''re having a wedding instead of just eloping. I''m not close to anyone else in my small family so they were going to be the only family I had there. Well today I got an email from my mom saying they just received the statement for their Smith Barney account (retirement savings) and it''s been depleted by 30% so they can''t afford to come. They estimated the trip would cost $20,000 and it''s just not feasible with their savings having taken such a huge hit. That said, that price is for business class tickets. I priced out coach and it would be $5,000 total for airfare, hotel for 2 weeks and a rental car. My parents are in the mid and late 60''s and I understand how hard 24 hours flying in coach class is especially at that age, but dammit, this is important to me and I thought would be to them! I''m so mad at them which makes me feel so guilty and like I''m acting like a spoiled brat!!! I''m there only child and they are the one''s who chose to move to the other side of the world to retire. As a result, we''re missing out on each others lives completely and that upsets me already anyway. They gave us $5,000 to help with the wedding and I''ve told them to take it back and use it for the cost of plane tickets instead. I don''t know what to do or how to feel. I have no one to walk me down the isle, no family at all to support me, and I feel a bit like canceling the whole thing and eloping so I don''t have to spend my whole wedding day thinking about how my parents aren''t there with me. The idea of having our wedding as planned without them just seems kind of sad and depressing. At this point if we cancelled, we''d lose a couple of thousand dollars in deposits and wedding dress costs. I don''t know what to do. One of the bright spots for me in this whole wedding planning nightmare was getting to see my parents, and now I feel like the whole day is going to be focused on explaining to people why my parents aren''t there.
 

Ms.Goggles

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 28, 2008
Messages
162
Ohhh, feepy5. I just wanted to say I''m sorry & that I don''t think you''re being a brat at all. I can understand why you''d be upset & want your father to walk you down the aisle & your parents to be at your wedding to support you. I''ll be sending some dust your way & hoping that this works out in your favor!
 

diamondseeker2006

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 11, 2006
Messages
56,283
There is no question that your parents should be there when you are their ONLY child!!! My goodness! Yes, they can fly coach and they can stay a week or 10 days instead of 2 weeks. You are not being a brat. As a mother, I cannot imagine what they are thinking! {{{hugs}}}
 

VRBeauty

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 2, 2006
Messages
10,312
Sweetie, I am so sorry! It is truly hard for me to fathom why your parents would cancel the trip entirely, rather than shortening it significantly. I guess all you can do is chalk it up to the shock of what's happening in the economy, and fear about what might be ahead.

My only advice to you is to remember that your wedding, if that's what you choose to do, is whatever you and your DF want it to be. Other than the vouws, officiant, and marriage license... you don't have to have or do anything that you don't want or that doesn't feel comfortable for you, especially if your parents won't be there. So... your choices are not limited to traditional largish wedding or elopement. You can have a wedding at any point between those extremes, if you want.

((((((hugs!))))))
 

honey22

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 28, 2007
Messages
4,458
Date: 2/8/2009 9:07:41 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
There is no question that your parents should be there when you are their ONLY child!!! My goodness! Yes, they can fly coach and they can stay a week or 10 days instead of 2 weeks. You are not being a brat. As a mother, I cannot imagine what they are thinking! {{{hugs}}}
A BIG FAT DITTO!! Except I am not a mother, but I still can''t understand what they are thinking. Give them the money back to use for their tickets, or better still, book them yourselves and let them know what time to be at the airport
 

mia1181

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Oct 25, 2006
Messages
1,789
Well I can kind of relate. We eloped but my MIL threw a party for us when we returned home. But my Dad *had* to work and my Mom made up a lame excuse so that she didn''t have to go without him. I know it''s not quite the same as a wedding, but it was all that we had and my parents couldn''t be bothered to make it.

I think you need to stop telling yourself you are being a brat and call them and tell them how disappointed you are. You are not wrong, they are. It is sad that they feel like they can''t afford to come, but it''s pretty lame that they wouldn''t fly coach to be there.
 

Kaleigh

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 18, 2004
Messages
29,570
Date: 2/8/2009 9:07:41 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
There is no question that your parents should be there when you are their ONLY child!!! My goodness! Yes, they can fly coach and they can stay a week or 10 days instead of 2 weeks. You are not being a brat. As a mother, I cannot imagine what they are thinking! {{{hugs}}}
Oh my heart is just breaking for you. As a Mom, I couldn''t imagine not being there... They don''t have to stay 2 weeks, they can fly coach, etc.. HUGS honey. I hope they wake up and do the right thing.
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
((big hugs))

You are not a brat. I hope it works out.
 

katamari

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 18, 2008
Messages
2,949
My heart goes out to you over this. If my parents suggested staying home rather than flying coach, I would be more than bratty about it. I would just make sure you are completely honest and forward with them about your feelings--don''t try to sugar coat it or be passive aggressive. I sure hope it works out for you! (((HUGS!)))
 

AmberGretchen

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 6, 2005
Messages
7,770
I''m so sorry - I agree with you, that it should be more important to them and they should fly coach.

However, from living with parents who didn''t make me a priority in a lot of cases, I can tell you there is very little you can do. It might make you feel better to tell them how hurt you are, but if they won''t change their minds, you have to try to focus on getting through this and finding a way to come to peace with it. I know it sucks, and you have every right to be upset, but please try not to let it cloud your joy - this day is about you and your soon-to-be husband making a lifelong commitment to each other.
 

iheartscience

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 1, 2007
Messages
12,111
Date: 2/8/2009 9:46:32 PM
Author: honey22
Date: 2/8/2009 9:07:41 PM

Author: diamondseeker2006

There is no question that your parents should be there when you are their ONLY child!!! My goodness! Yes, they can fly coach and they can stay a week or 10 days instead of 2 weeks. You are not being a brat. As a mother, I cannot imagine what they are thinking! {{{hugs}}}

A BIG FAT DITTO!! Except I am not a mother, but I still can''t understand what they are thinking. Give them the money back to use for their tickets, or better still, book them yourselves and let them know what time to be at the airport

Ditto...you are NOT a brat. I can''t imagine my parents not being at my wedding...I hope they will change their minds.
 

Sparkalicious

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 22, 2007
Messages
3,721
Date: 2/9/2009 12:19:06 AM
Author: thing2of2
Ditto...you are NOT a brat. I can''t imagine my parents not being at my wedding...I hope they will change their minds.
Ditto to these dittos.

I''m so sorry that you are upset and are having to go through this. I trust that everything will work out for you and that you are your parents will be able to celebrate this joyous occassion ... together, as anticipated.

Big hugs!
 

jmtomaui

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Oct 10, 2006
Messages
390
I agree with all the others. You are not being a brat! We all dream of our weddings from the time we are a child and while the dreams of colors, venues, etc change, the one and only constant is of our dads walking us down the aisle... I am truly sorry about this for you.

That being said, when is the wedding? Where are you and hubby planning on honeymooning? Is it possible for you to honeymoon in So Africa? I know it is not remotely close to having your parents there but you would be able to see them for a few days (as I would assume you would want to be alone for most of the honeymoon)?

Please do what your heart tells you is best for you and your FI.

Hugs, Julie
 

meresal

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 13, 2007
Messages
5,720
Date: 2/8/2009 7:38:58 PM
Author:feepy5
I'm so upset and I don't know what to do. My parents retired and moved to Africa almost 10 years ago. My dad is originally from South Africa and my mom lived there for several years before they got married and moved to the states. When I told them my FI and I were getting married they said they were planning on making a trip come for the wedding. This is part of the reason we're having a wedding instead of just eloping. I'm not close to anyone else in my small family so they were going to be the only family I had there. Well today I got an email from my mom saying they just received the statement for their Smith Barney account (retirement savings) and it's been depleted by 30% so they can't afford to come. They estimated the trip would cost $20,000 and it's just not feasible with their savings having taken such a huge hit. That said, that price is for business class tickets. I priced out coach and it would be $5,000 total for airfare, hotel for 2 weeks and a rental car. My parents are in the mid and late 60's and I understand how hard 24 hours flying in coach class is especially at that age, but dammit, this is important to me and I thought would be to them! I'm so mad at them which makes me feel so guilty and like I'm acting like a spoiled brat!!! I'm there only child and they are the one's who chose to move to the other side of the world to retire. As a result, we're missing out on each others lives completely and that upsets me already anyway. They gave us $5,000 to help with the wedding and I've told them to take it back and use it for the cost of plane tickets instead. I don't know what to do or how to feel. I have no one to walk me down the isle, no family at all to support me, and I feel a bit like canceling the whole thing and eloping so I don't have to spend my whole wedding day thinking about how my parents aren't there with me. The idea of having our wedding as planned without them just seems kind of sad and depressing. At this point if we cancelled, we'd lose a couple of thousand dollars in deposits and wedding dress costs. I don't know what to do. One of the bright spots for me in this whole wedding planning nightmare was getting to see my parents, and now I feel like the whole day is going to be focused on explaining to people why my parents aren't there.
ITA with Diamondseeker. And feepy, IMO you are not the one being the brat here. Your parents should be there.

My parents are in their 60's and it is definitely not unheard of to fly *dun-dun-duhhh* Coach!!
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I can't even imagine the emotions you are dealing with right now.

{{{Hugs}}} Have you told them about the Coach prices? What if they were to only come in for a week or 10 days like a poster above said?
 

mayachel

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 2, 2008
Messages
1,749
What a hard situation to be in Feepy. I''m so sorry for all involved. I can only imagine that your parents do really want to be there for you, and are feeling overwhelmed by the expenses involved. They may be worried about spending so much money, and to come for a shorter period of time, hoping to come in the future, for a longer period of time? Maybe you and df could still consider a scaled down wedding? Just make sure the two of you are talking about it. My heart goes out to you.
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 31, 2008
Messages
4,511

Feepy5,(((HUGS))) In your post there was a few areas that focused my attention.


1) You said if they weren''t going to come you would have eloped. Does your FH want a wedding, or was this FOR YOU? How does FH feel?
2) If you don''t want the big wedding, don''t have it. Are you still on the hook though for the entire cost? not just losing deposits? (sometimes the case w/ vendors, check fine print) Plus, you can still wear the dress if you eloped.
3) You also state this is important to you, and you thought it would also be to them. Which means, you are just feeling hurt, and really wanted the big wedding, and cancelling it, will in most likely break your heart... but having it without them, just wouldn''t be the same.
4) Your feelings are VALID. You cannot make people do things, but you can bring up your feelings. "I am hurt that you cannot make it to my wedding. I understand finances are tight, but I will give you back the $5,000 you gave me for the wedding so you can come out. You don''t have to spend $20,000 coach tickets are only $5,000 so you have no reason to NOT come to my wedding unless quite simply, you don''t love me and you dont want to." (Yeah I am a drama queen.)

Do this in your own way, but discuss it with your FH, he is your partner after all. I would also talk to your parents about this. Do not allow these feelings to fester and make you bitter. They may not even be aware of cheaper tickets, because it would not occur to them to fly coach overseas. My heart and thoughts are with you. I understand how upsetting this can be... please talk with your partner and loved ones.. and if not too painful, will you let us know what happens? If you need anything futher, you know that the hearts of PS are only a finger''s reach away.
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
Date: 2/8/2009 9:46:32 PM
Author: honey22
Date: 2/8/2009 9:07:41 PM

Author: diamondseeker2006

There is no question that your parents should be there when you are their ONLY child!!! My goodness! Yes, they can fly coach and they can stay a week or 10 days instead of 2 weeks. You are not being a brat. As a mother, I cannot imagine what they are thinking! {{{hugs}}}

A BIG FAT DITTO!! Except I am not a mother, but I still can''t understand what they are thinking. Give them the money back to use for their tickets, or better still, book them yourselves and let them know what time to be at the airport

ditto to both posts. I can''t imagine why they won''t fly over for your wedding. Parents can be crazy sometimes!
 

rainwood

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Mar 29, 2005
Messages
1,489
I understand how hurt you must be that your parents have said they won''t be coming to your wedding because of the cost. I don''t know you or how close your relationship is with your parents or whether that factors in to their decision, but wanted to offer some thoughts that might help you see things from a different perspective.

First, you shouldn''t underestimate the difficulty of flying coach on a 24-hour plane trip for people in their mid to late 60''s. It''s hard to understand this if you''re not that age. I took my mother to Paris, a place she''d always wanted to go, when she was in her 70''s. She was in good health and I was paying for the tickets (including my sister) and I could only afford coach. That was an 11-hour trip but it was a lot harder on her than I''d imagined and was probably one of the reasons she got sick during the trip and couldn''t enjoy it as much as I''d hoped. The few times I''ve ever flown for 24 hours, it''s been grueling and I was several decades younger than your parents. Business class allows you to sleep which can make the trip less of a strain on them.

Second, the $5000 cost you talked about doesn''t include meals and all the other costs for a 2-week trip. It just includes plane tickets, a hotel and a car so the cost to them would be more than $5000, and maybe they can''t afford the extra. If they give you $5000 towards the wedding, they know they will only spend $5000.

Third, it''s very disconcerting for people their age to lose so much of their retirement savings. They may be worried they will not have enough money to live on for the rest of their lives. Imagine how scary that is. The drop in the market is hardest on those who don''t have enough time or a job to make up the losses.

So keep this in mind when you talk to your parents. They may have reasons for their decision that make sense to them even though they seem crazy or hurtful to you.
 

redfaerythinker

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 7, 2007
Messages
1,781
Oh I am so sorry. You are perfectly normal in your feelings. I think that there have been valid points on the difficulty of a 24 hour flight in coach. And at that age any flying is hard. I have relatives that even if they wanted to travel, can''t because it''s so hard on them. However, they are your parents. You are their only child. And this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I would like to think that I would die for my children, I would never miss such an important day.

I also wonder if you can''t just elope to South Africa? I''m sure there''s more to the story, but I would just call them and explain that you are very hurt that they feel that they cannot be there on your special day and give them the option of flying coach with the five thousand that they gave you for your wedding. And if they can''t do it, then you''re just going to have to go on without them. Yes it will be hard, but it will still be one of the most important days of your life, and the start of your new life with your SO. Your wedding won''t be ruined, it will just be different.

I''m so sorry again... Hugs.
 
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