So upset! BF accusing me of wanting engagement for "security"

[MermaidKelly]

So my boyfriend and I got into a long heated (but not angry) discussion today about engagement. He says he is trying to figure out why I am ''''so impatient'''' and ''''pushing it so''''. He is accusing me of wanting engagement asap because of security... he says ''''you want to be out of mommy and daddy''s protection and you want mine, from one security blanket to another''''. WHAT THE HELL?? Where did all this come from? I feel hurt and upset. He also said it''s like his timeline isn''t "good enough" because he can tell I want it asap. I told him that''s not true! His timeline is fine with me. (roughly 6 months to 2 years) I just don''t know why he is acting so defensive, and accusing me of wanting engagement for security! My head is in a spin... don''t know what to think.

 

[Squirrly]

hugs! i''m sorry that happened. M said something similar to me and i pointed out, after calming down a bit, that if all i really wanted was just to be out of my parents'' house i wouldn''t be waiting for him. perhaps you could point that out to your BF?

 

[jaylex]

Date: 10/30/2009 12:24:28 AM
Author:MermaidKelly
So my boyfriend and I got into a long heated (but not angry) discussion today about engagement. He says he is trying to figure out why I am ''so impatient'' and ''pushing it so''. He is accusing me of wanting engagement asap because of security... he says ''you want to be out of mommy and daddy''s protection and you want mine, from one security blanket to another''. WHAT THE HELL?? Where did all this come from? I feel hurt and upset. He also said it''s like his timeline isn''t ''good enough'' because he can tell I want it asap. I told him that''s not true! His timeline is fine with me. (roughly 6 months to 2 years) I just don''t know why he is acting so defensive, and accusing me of wanting engagement for security! My head is in a spin... don''t know what to think.

Aww mermaid, I''m so sorry

. What started this discussion? did you ask when he is planning on proposing or something?

Do you think he has any "outside influences" that could be telling him something like that. One of my friends was dumped by her boyfriend of over a year because his mother told him that she was going to try to get pregnant to "keep him" or something like that. She DID NOT want to try to get pregnant. But his mother''s paranoia over it put doubts in his mind.

Does he have any friends who are "brutally single"? maybe had just gotten out of a relationship where they were used for their money or something?

If this security thing TRULY came from left field.. I would take a look at his friends or co-workers situations. All it takes is one person to say something sometimes.


Or maybe he''s feeling "rushed" by you. Looking back, when my FI was getting closer to his proposal date, it seemed like ANYTHING I would say about our ring or engagement would set him off a little. Guys are weird. If your fiance is planning it soon he could be subconsciously thinking "GOSH! I''m doing it soon! Can''t she just sit back and forget about it so I can surprise her?". Idk.


I''m kinda tired and prolly rambling so I hope that made sense. lol

HUGS to you and I hope you and FI can work it out without hurting each others feelings.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Maybe he feels like you want to be engaged/married for the sake of it-- DF said sometimes he thought it was that way with me.

Why, I don''t know - it certainly was not the case and prior to DF, I never thought about marriage in any real, tangible way. I never fantasized about my wedding when I was younger. Etc. It''s not about the wedding or about marriage for the sake of marrying for me but somehow, my eagerness and bringing it up created that impression a weensy bit.

I guess it''s just a factor of them not ''getting'' why we are so impatient. Two different perspectives, know what I mean?

 

[Lauren8211]

Hmmm...

Well, I''m sure part of it is that he doesn''t understand the rush. I know a lot of them just simply dont understand why the women are so bent out of shape over the time frame of a few months.

Also, do you depend on your BF or parents a bit too much? I know we should *depend* on one another, but there''s a point where it becomes burdensome, and he may feel you cant even stand on your own two feet. If you''re maybe asking your parents for money a lot, or can''t get the oil in your car changed without your BF there, this may concern him (I''m just pulling examples.. something to think about.)

I''d imagine men would like to marry independent women who respect themselves, so if he''s seeing hints of dependency, he may have lashed out.

Try and find out where exactly that statement came from.

Good luck, lady!

 

[TravelingGal]

If his timeline is good enough, why can''t you just let it be until it happens? ARE you being impatient and pushing it?

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 10/30/2009 12:24:28 AM
Author:MermaidKelly
So my boyfriend and I got into a long heated (but not angry) discussion today about engagement. He says he is trying to figure out why I am ''so impatient'' and ''pushing it so''. He is accusing me of wanting engagement asap because of security... he says ''you want to be out of mommy and daddy''s protection and you want mine, from one security blanket to another''. WHAT THE HELL?? Where did all this come from? I feel hurt and upset. He also said it''s like his timeline isn''t ''good enough'' because he can tell I want it asap. I told him that''s not true! His timeline is fine with me. (roughly 6 months to 2 years) I just don''t know why he is acting so defensive, and accusing me of wanting engagement for security! My head is in a spin... don''t know what to think.

How long have you been together? How long have you been talking about engagement? Do you live together? Do you still live at home? Are independent, with your own job/educational goals, friends, social life and activities/hobbies? Has he had any major life changes lately?

the conversation seemed pretty loaded, it''s hard to say what''s going on without more info... though I''d be upset too.

 

[decodelighted]

Maybe he feels like you''re not his "equal" but would be his "dependent". That''s chilling. Is it true? Are you independent enough from your parents to really have experienced being a full, responsible "adult"? Or does he have a point?

Is HE independent? Supporting himself? On a different level of maturity or experience or development than you are? Or the same?

 

[princesss]

Date: 10/30/2009 3:31:44 PM
Author: decodelighted
Maybe he feels like you''re not his ''equal'' but would be his ''dependent''. That''s chilling. Is it true? Are you independent enough from your parents to really have experienced being a full, responsible ''adult''? Or does he have a point?

Is HE independent? Supporting himself? On a different level of maturity or experience or development than you are? Or the same?

Deco brings up some really good points. Are you living at home? Is he? Are you responsible for making your own money, paying your own bills, and starting your own nest egg? I know my BF would have been skittish if he felt I was jumping from my parents taking care of me to him taking care of me.

 

[tlh]

Date: 10/30/2009 3:31:44 PM
Author: decodelighted
Maybe he feels like you''re not his ''equal'' but would be his ''dependent''. That''s chilling. Is it true? Are you independent enough from your parents to really have experienced being a full, responsible ''adult''? Or does he have a point?

Is HE independent? Supporting himself? On a different level of maturity or experience or development than you are? Or the same?

Yes, those are some very good points.

 

[junebug17]

I think what your bf said to you was rather insulting. That said, I'm wondering if you really are "fine" with his timeline, maybe you need to step back and look at your behavior. Is he right, are you pushing and acting impatient? If you agreed with his timeline, then you just have to wait it out. I will admit, 6 months to 2 years is a pretty big time frame! Oh, and I think you need to have a talk with the bf about what he said to you. If he made the comments out of frustration and didn't really mean them, then he owes you an apology. If he did mean what he said, then he doesn't have a very high opinion of you, and that is not a good thing and is something the two of you will have to straighten out.

 

[MermaidKelly]

Wow lots of questions! Let me try to answer some of them.

The discussion started because we were at a craft store and I went to the bridal section and was looking in that section quite a bit. Jaylex, I agree in that he probably does feel he is being ''rushed'' by me because he seems to be picking up on my subtle hints.

Now for these questions from Trillionare and Princess..

1. How long have you been together? A little over a year and a half
2. How long have you been talking about engagement? About a year
3. Do you live together? No
4. Do you still live at home? Yes and so does he
5. Are you independent, with your own job/educational goals, friends, social life and activities/hobbies? I have a crappy part time job, and one good friend who I see occasionally. I have a couple of friends but most of my ''happy time'' is involving him (or my parents I guess).
6. Has he had any major life changes lately? No

Decodelighted, Let me add, he is not supporting himself either. He has a job with almost full time hours, but is not making much and is still at home with his parents.

Thanks in advance for the support

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Honestly, you guys are fairly young and have not been together super long. Also, both of you are still living at home. Many guys need to feel like they can provide for a woman before they are ready to marry her. He needs to feel like he is doing this because he wants to and does''t want to feel pushed.

I would back off for a little bit and focus on where you guys are today.

Also, I look at the wedding stuff in the craft section to, but NEVER with my BF. Boys get weirded out when girls start looking like they are planning a wedding before they propose. I would avoid all stuff wedding around him for a little bit.

 

[MermaidKelly]

Date: 10/30/2009 5:31:24 PM
Author: junebug17
I think what your bf said to you was rather insulting. That said, I''m wondering if you really are ''fine'' with his timeline, maybe you need to step back and look at your behavior. Is he right, are you pushing and acting impatient? If you agreed with his timeline, then you just have to wait it out. I will admit, 6 months to 2 years is a pretty big time frame! Oh, and I think you need to have a talk with the bf about what he said to you. If he made the comments out of frustration and didn''t really mean them, then he owes you an apology. If he did mean what he said, then he doesn''t have a very high opinion of you, and that is not a good thing and is something the two of you will have to straighten out.

I don''t think he needs to apologize. I mean he wasn''t actually yelling at me, he was just trying to talk to me. I don''t think I''ve really been ''pushing'', but I don''t know what to think anymore.

Like for example, I like to look at bridal ''stuff'' every now and then, and like the other I took a quick peek in a mall jewelry store, but it''s not like BF has never seen me like this before!! We wave been doing stuff like this just for fun for a long time! He even brought me to Davids Bridal once just for fun so I could just look around for a little bit (he loved my reaction to all of that lol). What I don''t understand is why is he saying all of this now if we have acted like this all the time!

 

[MermaidKelly]

Date: 10/30/2009 8:43:55 PM
Author: LtlFirecracker
Honestly, you guys are fairly young and have not been together super long. Also, both of you are still living at home. Many guys need to feel like they can provide for a woman before they are ready to marry her. He needs to feel like he is doing this because he wants to and does't want to feel pushed.


I would back off for a little bit and focus on where you guys are today.


Also, I look at the wedding stuff in the craft section to, but NEVER with my BF. Boys get weirded out when girls start looking like they are planning a wedding before they propose. I would avoid all stuff wedding around him for a little bit.

Thanks. What I put in italics is exactly what boyfriend has said on how he feels.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Think about it this way. You have a BF who wants to take responsibility for his future family, and doesn''t want to move forward until he can do so. That is a good thing .

 

[junebug17]

Date: 10/30/2009 8:45:54 PM
Author: MermaidKelly

Date: 10/30/2009 5:31:24 PM
Author: junebug17
I think what your bf said to you was rather insulting. That said, I''m wondering if you really are ''fine'' with his timeline, maybe you need to step back and look at your behavior. Is he right, are you pushing and acting impatient? If you agreed with his timeline, then you just have to wait it out. I will admit, 6 months to 2 years is a pretty big time frame! Oh, and I think you need to have a talk with the bf about what he said to you. If he made the comments out of frustration and didn''t really mean them, then he owes you an apology. If he did mean what he said, then he doesn''t have a very high opinion of you, and that is not a good thing and is something the two of you will have to straighten out.

I don''t think he needs to apologize. I mean he wasn''t actually yelling at me, he was just trying to talk to me. I don''t think I''ve really been ''pushing'', but I don''t know what to think anymore.

Like for example, I like to look at bridal ''stuff'' every now and then, and like the other I took a quick peek in a mall jewelry store, but it''s not like BF has never seen me like this before!! We wave been doing stuff like this just for fun for a long time! He even brought me to Davids Bridal once just for fun so I could just look around for a little bit (he loved my reaction to all of that lol). What I don''t understand is why is he saying all of this now if we have acted like this all the time!

Oh, ok, you mentioned in your first post you were hurt and upset by his comment, so that''s why I thought you should talk to him about it and he should perhaps apologise for hurting you, but I guess you are ok with it. Well, it sounds like things you and he used to do together for fun may now be interpreted as "pushing", so I guess those things are off-limits for awhile. It seems like they bother him now. I don''t know what else to tell you!

 

[MermaidKelly]

Date: 10/30/2009 9:12:57 PM
Author: junebug17

Date: 10/30/2009 8:45:54 PM

Author: MermaidKelly

Date: 10/30/2009 5:31:24 PM

Author: junebug17

I think what your bf said to you was rather insulting. That said, I''m wondering if you really are ''fine'' with his timeline, maybe you need to step back and look at your behavior. Is he right, are you pushing and acting impatient? If you agreed with his timeline, then you just have to wait it out. I will admit, 6 months to 2 years is a pretty big time frame! Oh, and I think you need to have a talk with the bf about what he said to you. If he made the comments out of frustration and didn''t really mean them, then he owes you an apology. If he did mean what he said, then he doesn''t have a very high opinion of you, and that is not a good thing and is something the two of you will have to straighten out.

I don''t think he needs to apologize. I mean he wasn''t actually yelling at me, he was just trying to talk to me. I don''t think I''ve really been ''pushing'', but I don''t know what to think anymore.

Like for example, I like to look at bridal ''stuff'' every now and then, and like the other I took a quick peek in a mall jewelry store, but it''s not like BF has never seen me like this before!! We wave been doing stuff like this just for fun for a long time! He even brought me to Davids Bridal once just for fun so I could just look around for a little bit (he loved my reaction to all of that lol). What I don''t understand is why is he saying all of this now if we have acted like this all the time!

Oh, ok, you mentioned in your first post you were hurt and upset by his comment, so that''s why I thought you should talk to him about it and he should perhaps apologise for hurting you, but I guess you are ok with it. Well, it sounds like things you and he used to do together for fun may now be interpreted as ''pushing'', so I guess those things are off-limits for awhile. It seems like they bother him now. I don''t know what else to tell you!

Well... I mean I want to tell him I feel hurt about what he said, but I don''t want to make him even more upset, or hurt HIS feelings by making him out to be the "bad guy". See what I mean? I would love an apology but don''t want to confront him.

 

[junebug17]

Date: 10/30/2009 9:45:37 PM
Author: MermaidKelly

Date: 10/30/2009 9:12:57 PM
Author: junebug17

Date: 10/30/2009 8:45:54 PM

Author: MermaidKelly

Date: 10/30/2009 5:31:24 PM

Author: junebug17

I think what your bf said to you was rather insulting. That said, I''m wondering if you really are ''fine'' with his timeline, maybe you need to step back and look at your behavior. Is he right, are you pushing and acting impatient? If you agreed with his timeline, then you just have to wait it out. I will admit, 6 months to 2 years is a pretty big time frame! Oh, and I think you need to have a talk with the bf about what he said to you. If he made the comments out of frustration and didn''t really mean them, then he owes you an apology. If he did mean what he said, then he doesn''t have a very high opinion of you, and that is not a good thing and is something the two of you will have to straighten out.

I don''t think he needs to apologize. I mean he wasn''t actually yelling at me, he was just trying to talk to me. I don''t think I''ve really been ''pushing'', but I don''t know what to think anymore.

Like for example, I like to look at bridal ''stuff'' every now and then, and like the other I took a quick peek in a mall jewelry store, but it''s not like BF has never seen me like this before!! We wave been doing stuff like this just for fun for a long time! He even brought me to Davids Bridal once just for fun so I could just look around for a little bit (he loved my reaction to all of that lol). What I don''t understand is why is he saying all of this now if we have acted like this all the time!

Oh, ok, you mentioned in your first post you were hurt and upset by his comment, so that''s why I thought you should talk to him about it and he should perhaps apologise for hurting you, but I guess you are ok with it. Well, it sounds like things you and he used to do together for fun may now be interpreted as ''pushing'', so I guess those things are off-limits for awhile. It seems like they bother him now. I don''t know what else to tell you!

Well... I mean I want to tell him I feel hurt about what he said, but I don''t want to make him even more upset, or hurt HIS feelings by making him out to be the ''bad guy''. See what I mean? I would love an apology but don''t want to confront him.

Yes, I get you, but I don''t think there''s anything wrong with telling him that he''s incorrect, that you don''t want to get engaged for security reasons, that you are not looking for someone to take care of you. I would at least want to set him straight on that. If you speak to him calmly, it won''t become confrontational. I don''t think there''s anything wrong in letting him know you were a little hurt by his comment, you are just letting him know how you feel!