So hurt. Men need "alone time" (away from you)?

[MermaidKelly]

Hey all. My boyfriend and I are having some problems, which is partially due to misunderstanding, but even so...
He is feeling really overwhelmed. His uncle just died, and he says so much is bothering him. He says he knows what I want, but feels bad that he can''t give it to me yet. How he can''t provide yet because of no good job, how he feels I am pushing him, etc.

Now he told me this on monday, and he said all this stuff how he just needed a break, time to think, space. Now this is where the misunderstanding came in. I assumed he meant from me, from the relationship! I have been SO hurt, crying, yet barely saying a peep to give him his space.

Wednesday night was the first night ever he did not call me to say goodnight. I was so hurt. The next day he called and said he just fell asleep. I broke down to him and he was shocked. He said he didnt mean a separation from me, he just meant some time alone by himself to clear his head. I feel a little better but am still confused.

 

[MermaidKelly]

Also... we don''t live together yet..so why would he need time away from me if we only see eachother 2-3 days a week?! When we get married it''s not like he can just "disapear" for a week!!

 

[rierie26]

Aw. I''m sorry you''re feeling hurt. It might be that life is just overwhelming him so much right now that he just needs space from everything in general. A death of a loved one is always really hard to take and can throw someone for a loop for a bit of time. I say give him a little more leeway during this time and make sure that everything is communicated clearly between the two of you while he''s grieving, better to repeat things and clarify everything and sound redundant than have any unnecessary fights due to miscommunication. Hugs!

 

[LilyKat]

If he's clearly saying that he just needs time to be by himself (rather than taking a break from the relationship), I can understand that. Everyone deals with grief in their own way and it may be that he just needs time alone to figure out what he's feeling about his uncle.

I would give him a couple of weeks to take time out, hard as it may be. Let him know that you're there for him any time he needs to talk or see you, but let any contact be at his initiative. Remember that this is about him and his bereavement, not about you and your relationship. Don't take it personally.

If this goes on longer than a couple of weeks, I would say that's the time to sit down and tell him that you wish he would let you in. Relationships are about sharing your lives with each other, good and bad, after all.

 

[Luckyeshe]

Hey, MK. I think that your BF is just going through a lot right now and just needs to be by himself. I know you don''t see each other every day but he needs to process what happened with his uncle. Like lilykat said, everyone deals with grief differently. I am similar to your BF. When my aunt passed away, I shut down and I didn''t talk to anyone. I was like that for months but when I was finally ready, I started talking to my family and friends again. Even though it''s hard, you just need to let him be and tell him that you''re there for him if he needs you. He''ll come around when he''s ready.

 

[24k]

My boyfriend and I had a similar-ish occurrence. I don''t know your relationship, but I will tell you that my SO''s reasons for saying he wanted a break, etc, was because he was TERRIFIED of hurting me any more than he already has in the past year. He felt like by absorbing all of the pain (like I wouldn''t be hurt if we broke up?) then it would spare me in the long run. He told me he didn''t think he could ever give me what I need.

I told him he was making excuses for not living up to the potential we both knew he had in him, and to stop trying to predict the future and let''s focus on the current problem instead of what could happen. I kick his bum... but he needs it, he''s so inexperienced in dating, and would have no clue what went on in my head otherwise!

 

[janinegirly]

It''s hurtful when someone you care about says they need some time away even if it''s not about you. I know it''s hard and goes against your instinct, but the right thing to do is respect what he is saying and give him that space. He will appreciate you much more for it.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/11/2010 11:21:30 AM
Author: janinegirly
It''s hurtful when someone you care about says they need some time away even if it''s not about you. I know it''s hard and goes against your instinct, but the right thing to do is respect what he is saying and give him that space. He will appreciate you much more for it.

Agreed.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 1/11/2010 2:51:15 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 1/11/2010 11:21:30 AM

Author: janinegirly

It''s hurtful when someone you care about says they need some time away even if it''s not about you. I know it''s hard and goes against your instinct, but the right thing to do is respect what he is saying and give him that space. He will appreciate you much more for it.

Agreed.

Janine said it wonderfully. Just breath. Take some time for yourself, get together with gfs and relax and enjoy your life. It''ll be OK.

 

[saltydog75]

Hey, just some perspective from a guy... I hope we are allowed on this forum?

In my opinion, it''s rare for men to actually open up that much and talk about what''s bothering them. Most of the time, we just want to put on a tough exterior and pretend things aren''t bothering us. So the fact that he''s actually addressing all this is telling, to me. It''s difficult for him to verbalize all this and be honest about his feelings. Things must be pretty bad for him to actually tell you this.

It might sound a little backwards, but when he says he needs space, I bet what he''s saying is that he''s feeling bad about himself, and his situation in life, and he wants to know that you will support him and get him through this bump in the the road. He wants to know that it''s OK for him to go off and grieve, or work things out, and come back and know that you will be there.

So I agree that you want to give him space, but I also think you want to let him know you will still feel the same about him when he gets through this (if you think you will, obviously). Tell him you love him (if you all say that, or that you care about him, or whatever) and ask him to tell you if there''s anything you can do for him... and let him be for a while.

I hope this doesn''t sound sexist, but now is not the time for you to break down. When a dude is breaking down, most times the *last* thing he wants is for you to do the same. Things have already boiled over for him. He needs you to be a rock amidst all of the things that are going wrong for him. And when things turn around for him, he''ll say, hey, she supported me even when I was at my low point... and men are creatures of habit. If you can deal with him through his low points, he''s most likely going to stick with you.

Just one man''s opinion, hope it''s helpful.

 

[princesss]

Date: 1/11/2010 7:31:43 PM
Author: saltydog75
Hey, just some perspective from a guy... I hope we are allowed on this forum?


In my opinion, it''s rare for men to actually open up that much and talk about what''s bothering them. Most of the time, we just want to put on a tough exterior and pretend things aren''t bothering us. So the fact that he''s actually addressing all this is telling, to me. It''s difficult for him to verbalize all this and be honest about his feelings. Things must be pretty bad for him to actually tell you this.


It might sound a little backwards, but when he says he needs space, I bet what he''s saying is that he''s feeling bad about himself, and his situation in life, and he wants to know that you will support him and get him through this bump in the the road. He wants to know that it''s OK for him to go off and grieve, or work things out, and come back and know that you will be there.


So I agree that you want to give him space, but I also think you want to let him know you will still feel the same about him when he gets through this (if you think you will, obviously). Tell him you love him (if you all say that, or that you care about him, or whatever) and ask him to tell you if there''s anything you can do for him... and let him be for a while.


I hope this doesn''t sound sexist, but now is not the time for you to break down. When a dude is breaking down, most times the *last* thing he wants is for you to do the same. Things have already boiled over for him. He needs you to be a rock amidst all of the things that are going wrong for him. And when things turn around for him, he''ll say, hey, she supported me even when I was at my low point... and men are creatures of habit. If you can deal with him through his low points, he''s most likely going to stick with you.


Just one man''s opinion, hope it''s helpful.

Great post, and very true in my experience. When my BF''s grandfather died, he pulled away a bit, and he does that now when he''s overwhelmed and stressed and feeling like he''s not worth a whole lot. I think it helps him to know that he can be depressed sometimes, and when he''s feeling ready to face the world, I''m there to face it with him. Maybe your guy needs the same thing, MK. Maybe he needs to retreat to his cave and know that you''ll be there when he''s ready to come out. So put engagement on the back burner and just try to support your man for a while.

*hugs* I know it''s hard, though.

 

[trillionaire]

Before FI and I moved in together, we were long distance for 5 years! We only saw each other every 3-4wks, but if FI was having an off day, and I could tell, I would ask him if he needed some alone time, and ask him how much time he needed. I would go shopping, or take the dog for a walk or to the dog park, I could meet up with a GF... anything really. And every time I came back, he was refreshed, and so grateful to me for understanding and anticipating his needs. We live together now, but we have a lot more space, and can ''get away'' from each other in our own place now

. It''s okay to spend time apart... I promise, it''s not a bad thing unless it is frequent and prolonged!

(Hugs)

 

[sctsbride09]

Mermaid Kelly- Salty dog 75 is 100% right in his post. It sounds like your bf is just having a hard time and needs you be strong for him right now. Hugs to you, I know its hard to feel like he is pulling away, but he is not pulling away from YOU, just trying to get through this emotional time the best he *knows* how. This experience will pull you closer together, the hard times usually do.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 1/11/2010 9:11:06 PM
Author: trillionaire
Before FI and I moved in together, we were long distance for 5 years! We only saw each other every 3-4wks, but if FI was having an off day, and I could tell, I would ask him if he needed some alone time, and ask him how much time he needed. I would go shopping, or take the dog for a walk or to the dog park, I could meet up with a GF... anything really. And every time I came back, he was refreshed, and so grateful to me for understanding and anticipating his needs. We live together now, but we have a lot more space, and can ''get away'' from each other in our own place now

. It''s okay to spend time apart... I promise, it''s not a bad thing unless it is frequent and prolonged!

(Hugs)

What she said!

I really value my alone time, and while I like spending time with my SO, there are times I just want to be by myself, taking care of things I need to get accomplished so that I can spend more QUALITY time with him, not worrying about or doing the things I have been neglecting to spend MORE time with him. And I absolutely have "off" days, where I just want to hang out with my girl friends, or when I don''t feel like watching football, or just want to read a book, rather than be attached to him. I don''t love him any less, I just need that space for my own well-being.

 

[Pushin40]

I totally need time alone. It has nothing to do with FI - it''s just me. I need that time to regroup and refresh.

Don''t smother him and try not to be so needy- you will end up pushing him away.

 

[acebruin]

agreed with all the things said here... be strong for him... and be there for him... he needs you right now more than anything... sounds like he''s pretty close to his uncle...

 

[jaylex]

Hi Mermaid,
I wanted to check in and see how you are doing... i''m sorry to see that things aren''t going so well right now and I wish i could give you words of wisdom but it seems like you got some really great advice from everyone else. Especially from Salty.

So I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and I hope everything works out for you.

keep us posted and i''m very sorry to hear about your SO''s uncle.. my fiance just lost his grandfather last week so I know how tough it is.

Prayers for you two and his family

-Jaylex

 

[MermaidKelly]

Thank you all for the advice. Just wanted to check in. I agree it was nice to get a mans point of view! Even my boyfriend said it was dead on when I read it to him!

Yesterday was my birthday and my boyfriend came and spent the majority of the day with me (like he promised). We had a "low key" birthday, he didn''t have a lot of money to take me out like last year, but we went to a cafe place for lunch. We talked alot, and stuff is kind of getting better.

He feels I am pushing engagement and marriage (which was in my other post...was trying to keep it separate but oh well!) and I really have been pushing and I feel bad. It is just so hard when you want something SO bad and you can''t have it yet! Boyfriend feels he needs to get in a better place financially and career wise before making the step, but he is telling me that I am all his, and that it will all come eventually. He is upset that I am seeming like I can''t be happy without/until engagement and he is feeling a lot of pressure

 

[saltydog75]

It''s great you are talking about it. If you both have the same goal (staying together permanently) and you keep the lines of communication open, I bet everything will be ok.