So frustrated :(

[partyjewels]

I don''t post on this board very often, but though it would be more appropriate here than on the bridal board

I''m just so sad and frustrated with FI''s mother!! She''s constantly choosing her two youngest daughters over him, and sometimes over the other sister as well. It just upsets me so much that she acts like she doesn''t even care if he''s around sometimes.

She keeps changing whats going on for Christmas this year, and what she did today really irked me, so I needed to come vent. She asked if we could change the time and when I let her know (after clearing it with FI to answer on his behalf) that neither of us would be able to come at that new time if she changed it, all she had to say was "Thats fine".

She''s changing it all around one daughter, when she knows that all of us have other places we have to be on that day besides her house. I just don''t understand why she does this. She gets upset that we don''t stick around longer on holidays, but then she does things like this that prevent us from spending anymore time with them (or in the case of this year, ANY time at all). *sigh*

What do you do when you have someone in your family (or soon to be family) that acts this way? Theres only so much I can look past, and if she does end up changing the time for Christmas this year, it''s not something I can look past.

Yes, she has every right to change the time, it''s at their house afterall, what bothers me is the fact that shes changing it to accommodate just ONE of her kids, so close to the day, when the rest of us already have our days planned out for the time we all agreed on!! And the fact that she would change her whole day around to have this daughter there, not caring if her son is able to make it.

It just really breaks my heart when she acts this way, I don''t know what to do anymore, because I can''t keep biting my tongue, but I don''t want to cause an even bigger rift.

 

[partyjewels]

So apparently I accidentally posted this in the Bridal board after all! I''ve already messaged the admin to move it

 

[mimzy]

I''m not sure what you can do about his mom, but all i can suggest is just to really make it a point for you and your family (or wherever else you are going that day) really lay it on thick about how glad they are that he is there and able to spend the day with you/them.

i sort of know how it feels, only it''s my FI that doesn''t really care to accommodate. He is so scared to request anything of his family in terms of setting up a timeline for that day that he would rather just miss out on other things w/ me and my family than to rock the boat with his. it''s hurtful, and the only reason i''m letting it fly is because this will be the last christmas that we aren''t married, so i figured there''s no harm in letting him have one last christmas w/o having to totally compromise.

 

[partyjewels]

Thanks mimzy. It''s sad because I wasn''t even surprised that FI didn''t even want to TRY and go to his parents if his mom was going to change things around again. The past Christmas''s we''ve been together we have gone to everyones since we''re lucky to have everyone close enough to do so. The times of everyones parties were previously about the same every year so it worked out perfectly, but then his mom started changing things around. I''d be ok with it, though maybe a bit sad, if FI just wanted to go to his parents, and maybe meet me at my family thing later on since this is also our last Christmas before we''re married, but we haven''t done that any other year (even the first we were together) so it''d be weird to everyone.

I guess it''s not ALL bad, I keep forgetting we''ll still see his family on Christmas Eve at the big family get together (uncles, aunts, cousins, etc) before we go to mine later, but on Christmas Day it''s just the immediate family at his parents house, and I feel bad that we''ll have to miss it if she changes the time.

But things could always be worse right?

And I type way too much. hehe

 

[zoebartlett]

Hi Partyjewels,

If you''re going to your FI''s parents'' house on Christmas Eve, could you just spend Christmas Day with your family and not go back to their house that day? I''m a little unclear about this, but which day is the big celebration for his family? Oh, I just reread your post and it sounds like Christmas Eve is when everyone meets.

My FI is from a large family and everyone gets together at his parents'' house on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day is when his siblings and their own families have their indivual celebrations. My parents'' Christmas Eve is more low-key (we used to go to church but we haven''t done that in ages), so we spend Christmas Eve with my FI''s family and Christmas Day with mine. It all works out and like you, we''re lucky to be able to do both.

 

[partyjewels]

Zoe,

In my family, both days/nights are huge celebrations with everyone in the extended family. The condensed version is: We exchange gifts on Christmas Eve, and have a big dinner together on Christmas Day. His family has a big dinner on Christmas Eve with the extended family, and then on Christmas Day just his immediate family gets together and exchanges gifts with each other.

Honestly it''s not so much that I''m miss going to his parents on Christmas Day (and as bad it sounds I''m not sure how much he''ll miss it either) if that ends up being the case, it''s more that I''m so frustrated with his mom and the way she treats FI like he''s not as important as his sisters.

 

[door knob solitaire]

Wow...I can''t believe she would make the changes knowing this is the last minute and other plans have already been confirmed.

I think you have someone for some reason who is a power or control freak. I want to see just how high I can make you jump through this hoop I am holding. Is there some underlying reason why this seems to be directed at you two? Just that she favors one daughter is all you wrote. I bet there is something nipping away at her. If you can figure that out, you may have some answers, and better yet a plan of attack to handle her in the future.

Your words aren''t going to get you anywhere...but relief to let it out. And frankly, I wonder if no words would sting more for her because it shows you aren''t going to let it frazzle you.

If it ends up that you can''t make it...I bet that would be the best thing for the future of your time together. She will realize just how far she can prod you. And if she wants you there she will find your schedule first.

We should be able to choose our family like we can friends. This only magnifies that thought. I am really sorry you have to deal with this silly stuff. §

 

[KimberlyH]

If I understand this correctly both your family and his do something on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I would let them know you still plan on being at their house on X day (the same as before) but won''t be able to attend/participate in the other family event//party and leave it at that.

DKS put it so much more eloquently, but, sometimes saying nothing speaks volumes. Don''t think of it as biting your tongue, think of it as being strong enough to make a statement without saying a word.