LiW So confused!

[chocolatefudge]

Hi Ladies,

I haven''t been on for a couple of weeks because I just couldn''t face it. A couple of weeks ago me and SO had an argument, can''t remember what started it....... oh yeah! I think we were messing around in the kitchen about something and it moved onto getting married and I said, "Seriously though, when is it going to happen?" And he turned around and said (!!!!!!) "I''m not that bothered about getting married I''m happy the way that we are."

I think I must have looked like one of those cartoons where the character sits with it''s mouth wide open, I didn''t know what to say. I soon realised that he was serious as he started saying things about being happy how we were and how would marriage change anything blah blah blah. I started crying even though I was trying SO hard not to and told him how important it was to me (which he already knows!) I asked why he had told me that it was going to happen this year if he didn''t mean it and he said he could never remeber saying that!! Anyway he was washing the dishes at the same time and it didn''t seem like he was really listening and he kept smirking at me so I got really annoyed and went out for a drive.

When I got back he had gone out to football training so I went to bed and fell asleep. The next morning I left for work before he woke up as I always do, but I didn''t text him from work all day whereas I usually do during my lunch break. I kept waiting and waiting for him to text me and apologise or ask if I was ok but he didn''t!! I was really late home from work as we had to stay behind for a meeting and when I got home I was so annoyed with him I went straight upstairs without speaking. I kept waiting for him to come and ask what was wrong but he didn''t!! Anyway eventually he came up and ended up telling me how he hasn''t felt happy for few months because we hardly ever talk anymore and we never go anywhere. He said he had been thinking about getting married but had changed his mind because he wasn''t happy and didn''t want to feel like that for the rest of his life!! I really couldn''t believe it, I didn''t know that anything was wrong at all!! I know he''s exaggerating about it being ''months'' as we were REALLY happy at Christmas and that''s when he said we would get engaged this year!
He also told me that he was fed up of me talking about getting engaged ALL the time.

I was really upset about it but now things sem fine again. When I asked if he''s happier yesterday he said, "Yeah I''m fine, I only said that stuff because I was having a bad day at work."

What?!?!?!!? We were watching Friends last night and Phoebe got married and he said, "Our wedding will be even nicer than that." What?!?!?!? What is he doing to me? I don''t know what''s going on!! When I ask if he does want to get married he says yes but doesn''t want any sort of timeline because of suprising me.

He is so sweet and lovely and reading this back he sounds horrible!! I don''t know what happened to him!! It''s our 7 year anniversary in April, I love him so much and I know many of you ladies set your own timelines but does that mean you would leave him if it didn''t happen by then?

I just feel so confused about it all now!! Thank you if you got this far

 

[Pandora II]

Sounds like you are in a tough situation.

I did set a timeline and spelt it out to him and yes, I almost certainly would have left - but then, I was 34 at the time and the clock is ticking.

Although our relationship is as near to a fairytale as you can get, I knew that if I compromised over marriage that I would end up resenting him. Once resentment sets in things go downhill pretty fast in my experience.

Can I ask how old your SO is? Is he in a secure career and feeling financially stable? Are his friends getting married at the moment?

If I remember correctly you are in the UK?

When we got engaged, only two of FI''s friends were married - one, his best friend , had just split up from his wife - since then 8 couples have got engaged. Especially for men, once their peers start living the ''married'' life, going on boy''s nights out are no longer so fun, and they start wanting to settle down.

Here is London, it is unusual for a man to get engaged much under 30, and most are over 30.

I would look carefully at what stage of life he and his friends are at.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Oh honey, I''m so sorry you''re going through this!

I think you need to put your foot down here. Your bf seems to be going back and forth on things. I remember in a previous thread you mentioned that he wanted to buy a house prior to your engagement because he was sure he wanted to marry you. Now he''s saying he''s not sure. The next day he says he just said that because he had a bad day at work. Then he goes on to say that you will get engaged but he doesn''t want you to talk about it because he wants it to be a surprise??? What about what you want?

Too many guys seem to confuse the engagement/commitment with the proposal. I think he''s using the whole surprise thing as a cop out. However he wants to propose is fine, but you have to be secure in his intentions first and foremost. There is no excuse for feeling insecure in your own house (from your previous threads, I gather that you live together). If he''s in a committed relationship with you he needs to be committed to doing everything he can so that you have peace of mind, especially about his intentions regarding marriage. There can''t be any talk of "I want to surprise you with an engagement" while he''s sending you mixed messages. It''s just unacceptable, and seems rather cruel to me.

It''s been 7 years for you with this guy, and you have to think about how much longer (if not indefinitely) you''re prepared to be with him without a formal commitment. You deserve better than someone who can''t/isn''t willing to make a decision about whether they want to marry you after 7 years. Make it clear to him that marriage is a non-negotiable, and that you can''t be with him without it. I know how you feel as my fi has said very stupid and hurtful things in the past, which he later said he didn''t mean and they came out wrong. Waiting sucks and the only way that I''ve found to feel better is to have a timeline for when the waiting ends. If he doesn''t want marriage he needs to let you know definitively, at which point you can make an informed decision.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Thanks for that It''s so nice to have people who understand!

My SO is 25, we both graduated almost two years ago and now have stable, well paying jobs. Not many of his friends are married. One is but he is older than us, in his thirties. I think that he often thinks that we are too young but as I tell him, I don''t know when you start feeling old enough for things!!

I told him that I didn''t think I could say with him if he didn''t want to get married and he made me feel really bad!! Saying things about if I loved him how could I leave just because he didn''t want to get married.

Maybe he''s surprising me for our 7 year anniversary....... And there I go again!! If you read many of my other threads you will see that I often dream up proposals that never come........

 

[bee*]

sorry to hear that things aren''t going well for you. He does seem to be swinging hot and cold. For me, when D told me we would have been engaged by the end of last year, if he hadn''t done it, I would have walked. We would have been together 8 years, marriage is important to me and I feel if he didn''t know after that many years, then when would he. Your bf needs to be honest with you one way or another. If he doesn''t want to get married, then that''s something that you need to think about and see where you want to go from there, but he has to be clear about that and not talk about your wedding when he''s looking at Friends. I know how easy it is to get carried away about engagement talk, but try and talk about other things and go out and have fun(not saying that''s all you talk about but if he''s saying that he can''t talk to you or have fun anymore). I hope that things work out for you.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 3/25/2008 12:22:27 PM
Author: chocolatefudge
Saying things about if I loved him how could I leave just because he didn''t want to get married.

Um, what?

You''re joking. Did he actually say something that outrageous?

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 3/25/2008 9:36:29 AM
Author: brooklyngirl
Too many guys seem to confuse the engagement/commitment with the proposal.

I didn''t get this comment at all..Isn''t proposing all about getting engaged and making that commitment?

As far as the OP''s situation, it sounds like he thinks he''s being funny...First flat out saying he wont get married, then making comments about your wedding last night? That would piss me off, seriously. Why didn''t you call him on that right away? I''d talk to him about it, then make a plan,and let him know the plan. I know moving out is a hassle but it''s worth it to make your point and become a bit more self reliant if you need to leave the relationship in the end. Is there a friend you could move in with - even if it''s temporary? You need to talk to him, explain what you want/need/expect from your partner, then give him time to consider what you''ve said, and if he cant/wont deliver, you have to move on honey.

It sounds like a whole lot of guys here need seriously counseling...!

 

[swingirl]

You have been together since he was 18. I think that''s a pretty good reason to not be ready. How long have you been living together? I think when a couple lives together without any engagement plans it really delays anything moving forward. People get comfortable and are living the life of a married couple. So what is there to change? You know where my advice is going... Stop pretending you are married and live your lives like the single people you are. I know it sounds drastic. But you obviously take marriage more seriously than he does. Being nasty about "marriage/engagement" just because he had a bad day is pretty immature...not marriage-ready. He''s being very flippant about something that seems very important to you.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 3/25/2008 12:22:27 PM
Author: chocolatefudge
Thanks for that It''s so nice to have people who understand!

My SO is 25, we both graduated almost two years ago and now have stable, well paying jobs. Not many of his friends are married. One is but he is older than us, in his thirties. I think that he often thinks that we are too young but as I tell him, I don''t know when you start feeling old enough for things!!

I told him that I didn''t think I could say with him if he didn''t want to get married and he made me feel really bad!! Saying things about if I loved him how could I leave just because he didn''t want to get married.

Maybe he''s surprising me for our 7 year anniversary....... And there I go again!! If you read many of my other threads you will see that I often dream up proposals that never come........

Umm... he should feel bad, not you! Turn it around on him and say, if he loves you so much and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, what is his problem with marriage, specifically. If he loves you so much *how could he let you leave*?? These things go both ways, and don''t let him make you feel bad for sticking to your guns, and demanding from him what you know will make you happy.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 3/25/2008 12:47:10 PM
Author: surfgirl

Date: 3/25/2008 9:36:29 AM
Author: brooklyngirl
Too many guys seem to confuse the engagement/commitment with the proposal.

I didn't get this comment at all..Isn't proposing all about getting engaged and making that commitment?

Surf, I see proposal/engagement the same way I see wedding/marriage. The proposal is all just a presentation of the ring, and has nothing to do with the actual commitment to get married. At least on PS, most couples know they're getting engaged and know their level of commitment to each other. The OP doesn't know her SO's level of commitment to her and their relationship. The bf is confusing making a commitment with the presentation of a ring. The commitment shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.

Sorry for the confusion, I hope that cleared it up

 

[chocolatefudge]

Thanks for all the advice. We''ve been living together for just under a year and up until this point it seemed to be going so well!! Before we moved in together SO said he didn''t feel ready to get married yet but told me after a couple of months living together that he DID want to get married because he was so happy living with me.

When we had the argument/talk a couple of weeks ago it was more like he couldn''t be bothered to get married more than not wanting to. When I got upset he said, "Ok, we''ll get married then." But he was saying it like, "Ok, if you really want to then I will." I don''t want it to be like that!! I''d hate to think that he had proposed because I had forced him into it. I want him to WANT to marry me and I told him this.

I think he would do it if I was going to leave but I want him to want it aswell, is that making sense? Or should I be happy that he would do it just to make me happy if it''s something he doesn''t really want?

I need to bring it up again but feel that I''m crossing into the "You never stop talking about getting married" route!! It''s so frutrating!

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 3/25/2008 1:49:50 PM
Author: chocolatefudge
Thanks for all the advice. We''ve been living together for just under a year and up until this point it seemed to be going so well!! Before we moved in together SO said he didn''t feel ready to get married yet but told me after a couple of months living together that he DID want to get married because he was so happy living with me.

When we had the argument/talk a couple of weeks ago it was more like he couldn''t be bothered to get married more than not wanting to. When I got upset he said, ''Ok, we''ll get married then.'' But he was saying it like, ''Ok, if you really want to then I will.'' I don''t want it to be like that!! I''d hate to think that he had proposed because I had forced him into it. I want him to WANT to marry me and I told him this.

I think he would do it if I was going to leave but I want him to want it aswell, is that making sense? Or should I be happy that he would do it just to make me happy if it''s something he doesn''t really want?

I need to bring it up again but feel that I''m crossing into the ''You never stop talking about getting married'' route!! It''s so frutrating!

I totally understasnd what you mean when you say you want him to want to marry you. No one wants to be in a situation where (for instance) they''re having an argument a few years down the line, and he tells you this sucks and it''s your fault because you "forced" him into it. Every woman deserves a man who truely wants her, and wants to be married to her, and only her.

On your second point about not wanting to talk about it all the time, well, if it''s not resolved, in your mind you need to do whatever you need to, to resolve this issue. Keeping quiet only hurts you. You are not secure in your relationship, and since you live together, in your home life. That''s a huge burden to carry, and you have every right to do whatever you see fit to resolve those insecurities -- that can be talking about it, or walking out on him.

The bottom line is, somewhere down the road you have decided that marriage is important to you. If your guy cannot give you that, then you should feel no guilt in finding someone who wants nothing more than for you to be his wife!

 

[LegacyGirl]

Here''s a hug for you *HUGS*

 

[PugLover]

Hi chocolatefudge,
When I was reading your post I almost thought that I was reading about my own situation

. I have been with my bf for over 4 years now and we are very close in age to you two. Like your bf, mine seemed on track with me about marriage at times, and then other times not, just like yours. He actually told me something similar to what your bf said about not feeling completely happy the last few months when I thought things were going very well. We had a few "talks" since then, I actually gave him some time (that he asked for) to think about things and it seems he wants to continue to be with me but I don''t quite know where we stand on the marriage issue, I don''t want it to be forced, if he doesn''t want it he needs to tell me so that I can move on! Like you I try to not bring it up, so that I''m not "talking about it all the time again". In my mind though, I do have a sort of timeline. If something doesn''t move forward relatively soon, if he doesn''t voice his intentions about wanting marriage, I know that I will walk. And it seems that marriage is very important to you, and if that''s what you need, that''s what you need- period. So if he is not 100% completely positively sure he wants to marry you, then I think that you need to step away from him. You can''t compromise and let him do whatever he wants, bc you absolutely need to be happy. We actually have a friend of the family, who dated a man for 15+ years, she wanted to marry and have kids so badly, but he never wanted marriage. She would try and leave many times, and each time he would say he wanted to marry her, just so she wouldn''t leave. He proposed, but the wedding kept getting pushed back. Hmmmm..... Long story short, she was packing her bags bc they were going away for a long weekend, and he told her that he was going by himself, and that when he got back she should have her stuff out of their house

. And now, even though she found a great new guy, it''s too late for kids and she has sacrificed her dreams for her ex. I don''t want to end up like that, and you shouldn''t either, if marriage is what you want for the two of you. I say give it some time, but if he doesn''t make that committment soon, you need to walk away. Just like in your case, things seemed so perfect to me but now who knows..

Hang in there, and stick up for what you want and need!

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 3/25/2008 2:16:31 PM
Author: PugLover
Hi chocolatefudge,
When I was reading your post I almost thought that I was reading about my own situation

. I have been with my bf for over 4 years now and we are very close in age to you two. Like your bf, mine seemed on track with me about marriage at times, and then other times not, just like yours. He actually told me something similar to what your bf said about not feeling completely happy the last few months when I thought things were going very well. We had a few 'talks' since then, I actually gave him some time (that he asked for) to think about things and it seems he wants to continue to be with me but I don't quite know where we stand on the marriage issue, I don't want it to be forced, if he doesn't want it he needs to tell me so that I can move on! Like you I try to not bring it up, so that I'm not 'talking about it all the time again'. In my mind though, I do have a sort of timeline. If something doesn't move forward relatively soon, if he doesn't voice his intentions about wanting marriage, I know that I will walk. And it seems that marriage is very important to you, and if that's what you need, that's what you need- period. So if he is not 100% completely positively sure he wants to marry you, then I think that you need to step away from him. You can't compromise and let him do whatever he wants, bc you absolutely need to be happy. We actually have a friend of the family, who dated a man for 15+ years, she wanted to marry and have kids so badly, but he never wanted marriage. She would try and leave many times, and each time he would say he wanted to marry her, just so she wouldn't leave. He proposed, but the wedding kept getting pushed back. Hmmmm..... Long story short, she was packing her bags bc they were going away for a long weekend, and he told her that he was going by himself, and that when he got back she should have her stuff out of their house

. And now, even though she found a great new guy, it's too late for kids and she has sacrificed her dreams for her ex. I don't want to end up like that, and you shouldn't either, if marriage is what you want for the two of you. I say give it some time, but if he doesn't make that committment soon, you need to walk away. Just like in your case, things seemed so perfect to me but now who knows..

Hang in there, and stick up for what you want and need!

ITA with this post. This was me about half a year before we got engaged. I had an internal timeline, and I left my bf know that when I got fed up (could be anytime) that I would have no choice but to leave. He got to the point where if I had to stay late at work (which I do often) he would be stuck being stressed out and wondering if I am going to come home. My job is far enough away from my home where I can stay at a hotel during the week (company paid), but close enough for me to go home every night. For a few weeks during a crunch I stayed at the hotel during the week, and Fi got a taste of what life was going to be like without me.

Maybe I took it a bit too far, but I feel I did what I had to do, and give him a taste of what it's like to feel insecure, to feel like you can't have the person you love, and heck to see how it feels to be a LIW. I really believe that sometimes people don't know what they have until they lose it. Maybe it's time for him to find out what he has.

Re the highlighted: I am beside myself, shocked and appalled, and have a mysterious urge to hit the guy

.

 

[chocolatefudge]

In my head I have the end of this year as my timeline, although if nothing has happened by the summer then I will not be feeling happy..... If I was reading this written by someone else I''d be thinking, "Talk to him you stupid girl! Tell him what you want and leave if you don''t get it!"
It''s just so hard when it''s actually ME in the situation though. I worry about pushing the issue too much incase he is thinking about proposing and I push him over the edge with my constant insecurity.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 3/25/2008 3:03:10 PM
Author: chocolatefudge
In my head I have the end of this year as my timeline, although if nothing has happened by the summer then I will not be feeling happy..... If I was reading this written by someone else I'd be thinking, 'Talk to him you stupid girl! Tell him what you want and leave if you don't get it!'
It's just so hard when it's actually ME in the situation though. I worry about pushing the issue too much incase he is thinking about proposing and I push him over the edge with my constant insecurity.

I wouldn't worry about pushing the issue, honestly. You are insecure because he made you feel that way through his comments, and his actions. No woman in her right mind would feel secure in your situation. If he wants to propose, there is absolutely nothing that will stop him from doing so, and if there is such a thing, your insecurity at the moment is certainly NOT IT. Stop thinking about what he wants/needs and start thinking about your wants and needs. And for your own sanity, he has told you that he's not proposing now, and may not ever, so quit telling yourself that he may be thinking about proposing, and take his word for it. Don't set yourself up for pain and dissappointment by giving in to false hopes.

 

[Kayakqueen83]

Oops, edited post below!

 

[Kayakqueen83]

I just want to say that I completely agree with brooklyngirl. If he wants to propose to you, wild horses wont be able to stop him from doing so. Don''t stifle yourself because of what you hope he will do. That will only lead to disappointment. Stand up for what you want and talk to him. You should never feel guilty or wrong with wanting to feel secure in your relationship.

 

[PugLover]

Date: 3/25/2008 3:03:10 PM
Author: chocolatefudge
In my head I have the end of this year as my timeline, although if nothing has happened by the summer then I will not be feeling happy..... If I was reading this written by someone else I''d be thinking, ''Talk to him you stupid girl! Tell him what you want and leave if you don''t get it!''

It''s just so hard when it''s actually ME in the situation though. I worry about pushing the issue too much incase he is thinking about proposing and I push him over the edge with my constant insecurity.

Oh chocolatefudge I definitely feel your pain as I am going through the exact same thing, I am also thinking the end of this year as my internal timeline. I also told myself, ok I won''t bring it up, if he really wants to marry me he will propose or at least start seriously talking about it. But after thinking about it for a while, I am coming to the conclusion that well, I wanted (and still want) to marry this man, and talking about it was always so exciting to me, looking at rings was such fun, but now I don''t even want to bring the topic up, I''m scared to. Seeing rings is like torture. But it shouldn''t be that way! You said you "worry about pushing the issue too much incase he is thinking about proposing" and how you may "push him over the edge" bc of your insecurity. But your insecurity is justifed!! Look at what he has said to you, that''s more than enough reason for you to feel insecure about his intentions. And you shouldn''t have to feel insecure about your relationship. He has hurt you and he now needs to make it up to you somehow, if he truly intends to be with you. And kudos to you Brooklyngirl for letting him get a taste of what life would be like without you

And I am glad things worked out for the better and hope that they do for chocolatefudge and for myself as well.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I had a close friend in a very similiar situation and she did walk and was much happier for it in the end. However, she let her BF know what the timeline was.
You have to let him know he has til the end of the year to decide. Its not fair to either of you to have rules about something as important as this and not both know about it. You would expect him to extend you that and you need to do the same. Besides, if you don''t tell him and he doesn''t, as it gets later in the year you are going to get more irratable for, in his mind, no good reason. He won''t know why and will be even less inclined to propose, and you both lose.

 

[PugLover]

Brooklyngirl and Kayakqueen you girls hit the nail right on the head! If he wants to propose NOTHING will stop him. And don''t mean to threadjack but Brooklyngirl what did your bf say were his concerns when you were in this situation? He was just unsure about marriage in general? or marrying you in particular?

 

[chocolatefudge]

Ok girls, I think it''s time for another chat. He''s out tonight so think it will be tomorrow. It never seems to go right though he always says things that make me lose my thread!! Things like,

"Do I have to tell you the exact time and day??"
"I don''t know when it will happen!"

If I say I''m bringing it up because of what he said before he just says, "I told you, I didn''t mean it I was just in a bad mood."

What do I say to all these things???? He really does not seem keen on a timeline at all.

 

[Kayakqueen83]

Some suggestions and some things that I would bring up if I were in your shoes:

"Do I have to tell you the exact time and day??": Nope hun, I would never dream of taking away the proposal that YOU want to do. I’m not asking to know when, where, and how. I’m asking so that I can feel more confident with the fact that you DO want to marry me. I’m excited about this big step in our lives and I need to know that you feel the same way.

"I don''t know when it will happen!": That’s fine. But at this point in our relationship I need to know that it WILL happen and that you are seriously thinking of our future. Not just in the “someday” mentality but in the “I want to be with chocolatefudge forever and I’m going to start make sure I start considering the future”

"I told you, I didn''t mean it I was just in a bad mood.": Yes, but what you said hurt me, bad mood or not. You are the person I want to be with and hearing you say that your goals may not be the same as mine forced me to have to think about sacrificing something that I don’t want to sacrifice and that’s being married. That is important to me and so are you but I don’t want to have to choose. I hope you understand. Also even though you said you were just in a bad mood you told me that you weren’t happy in our relationship. If that is the case in the slightest we do need to talk about it. (And if it’s not the case and he just said that because he was upset… well you need to talk to him about saying such hurtful things)

And in regards to a timeline… I get it, my boyfriend is the same way and wants it all to be a surprise. SO no timeline. (Although I know it will happen within a year… yea!) BUT it is important to be on the same page. Tell him that is all that you need, to be on the same page. He doesn’t need to tell you when it will happen he just needs to tell you that yes, it is going to happen and he is taking the steps to make sure it will happen. J

Just hash it out. He has been sending you mixed messages in the last couple of days and you need to know where this relationship stands. Don’t be forceful and listen above all else. Then after hearing what he has to say deal with it them. Like I said before, don’t feel embarrassed about talking to the man you want to marry about your future. It’s your life too and you deserve to feel secure in it!

Good luck with your chat!

 

[PugLover]

Date: 3/25/2008 3:57:22 PM
Author: chocolatefudge
Ok girls, I think it''s time for another chat. He''s out tonight so think it will be tomorrow. It never seems to go right though he always says things that make me lose my thread!! Things like,


''Do I have to tell you the exact time and day??''

''I don''t know when it will happen!''


If I say I''m bringing it up because of what he said before he just says, ''I told you, I didn''t mean it I was just in a bad mood.''


What do I say to all these things???? He really does not seem keen on a timeline at all.

I think you have to tell him that he needs to communicate with you and demonstrate to you that you are it, you are the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with (if that is what he wants) or else you will walk, and he needs to know that you won''t stick around forever if you are unsure of his commitment to you. Also, bring up the fact that when he said what he said, he hurt you. You don''t just say something like that because you had a bad day. I mean, he really said something harsh and hurtful and he does not have the right to say those things to you without repercussions just because he is in a bad mood. He needs to know that by saying what he said, he may just be making you resent him in the future and he needs to repair the damage. You need to be true to yourself and really feel from him that he really wants this. Good luck tomorrow and let us know how it goes!

 

[TravelingGal]

You can drill and kill all you want, but at the end of the day, you cannot make anyone do anything they don''t want to do.

Someone who jerks around with your emotion like this is TOXIC. Do you really want that in your life? Don''t you think you deserve better?

When TGuy had cold feet about moving here a few years ago, I was devastated. It was so tough to think about "starting over" and I was nearly 32 at the time and ready to settle down. I cried for a bit that night and the next night when he called because he promised to check up on me, I just simply said, I love you, want you to be happy so you have to do what you gotta do. I love me too, so I gotta move on and do what is right for me. End of story.

He still says my reaction was an eye opener for him. Someone who could move on with her own life because her OWN life is the ONLY thing she has control over. And the fact that I wanted him to be happy, whatever that meant. He changed his mind that week and now we of course are married.

I fully realize that it''s a lot easier not to beat a dead horse in the situation I had because what was I going to do? Show up on his doorstep in Australia? Stalk him with phone calls mercilessly? But at the end of the day, my integrity is important to me, and I would not let someone affect me in a way that would make me really miserable.

Telling you he doesn''t want to marry you because he was in a "bad mood" is just mean and practically abusive, IMHO. What a mind f*ck. Things only "seem" fine now because *he''s* happier. Well, what happens when he goes back to being in a bad mood again? And as for a "chat", I''d just simply say, if you don''t want to get married, that is fine. I do. And right now I am my number one priority so I have to find a way to move on." And I''d MOVE ON. Yeah, easier said than done, but I''d rather be out on a wide open road wondering where it leads than stuck at a dead end facing a wall.

Ladies, some of you give way too much power to your SOs when it comes to your life and your future. It''s YOUR life and the sooner you show your SO''s that you mean business about that, the sooner you will be happier and healthier in the long run.

 

[chocolatefudge]

I agree with what you are saying TGal and I want to kick myself!! I would honestly be thinking the same thing about someone else in my situation but the truth is I don''t know if I could walk away!! I don''t want to walk away, but at the same time I think maybe a shock would be good for him. I will have to see what he says tomorrow. Or I may try tonight when he gets home if it isn''t too late.

 

[Kayakqueen83]

Date: 3/25/2008 4:21:52 PM
Author: TravelingGal
You can drill and kill all you want, but at the end of the day, you cannot make anyone do anything they don''t want to do.

Someone who jerks around with your emotion like this is TOXIC. Do you really want that in your life? Don''t you think you deserve better?

When TGuy had cold feet about moving here a few years ago, I was devastated. It was so tough to think about ''starting over'' and I was nearly 32 at the time and ready to settle down. I cried for a bit that night and the next night when he called because he promised to check up on me, I just simply said, I love you, want you to be happy so you have to do what you gotta do. I love me too, so I gotta move on and do what is right for me. End of story.

He still says my reaction was an eye opener for him. Someone who could move on with her own life because her OWN life is the ONLY thing she has control over. And the fact that I wanted him to be happy, whatever that meant. He changed his mind that week and now we of course are married.

I fully realize that it''s a lot easier not to beat a dead horse in the situation I had because what was I going to do? Show up on his doorstep in Australia? Stalk him with phone calls mercilessly? But at the end of the day, my integrity is important to me, and I would not let someone affect me in a way that would make me really miserable.

Telling you he doesn''t want to marry you because he was in a ''bad mood'' is just mean and practically abusive, IMHO. What a mind f*ck. Things only ''seem'' fine now because *he''s* happier. Well, what happens when he goes back to being in a bad mood again? And as for a ''chat'', I''d just simply say, if you don''t want to get married, that is fine. I do. And right now I am my number one priority so I have to find a way to move on.'' And I''d MOVE ON. Yeah, easier said than done, but I''d rather be out on a wide open road wondering where it leads than stuck at a dead end facing a wall.

Ladies, some of you give way too much power to your SOs when it comes to your life and your future. It''s YOUR life and the sooner you show your SO''s that you mean business about that, the sooner you will be happier and healthier in the long run.

I love this, TG. How true.

 

[Kayakqueen83]

Chocolatefudge,

what it comes down to is your happieness. If you want to get married to him and he doesn''t want to get married to you... well, where does that leave you? It leave you in a place where you aren''t getting everything that you need/deserve. And I get that it''s scary and that you love him... but like TG said, you have to love yourself first and take care of yourself first. This isn''t a sacrifice that is ok in a relationship like well he likes to sleep on the right side of the bed and so do I... but I can get used to it on the other side so I''ll give him this one.

This is your life too. This is your relationship. Hopefully after your talk you two will be on the same page but if not, and this is important to you, then you have to respect yourself enough not to settle for something that you really don''t want. Marrage is a big thing and if you want it and he doesn''t.... well, then there really isn''t anything that can change that.

In anycase, I''d like to hear how your talk goes. I think there are alot of things that need to be discussed and I hope that you two can have a productive discussion where you can get some clairity on things.

And when you said "I don''t know if I could walk away"... really think about it and be true to yourself. If that''s what you''ve got to do, then do it. You are priority #1.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

that sounds really crappy, too bad we don''t live by each other, we could go out for cosmos and forget about men ...poop a doop *internet hug*