SO close....but now he''s dragging his feet! (long)

[fatafelice]

I just have to vent to you guys because I can''t really talk to my friends about this without sounding insane.

So about a week ago, I found a cushion with promising specs at WF. I''ve been looking at cushions for months and I recently decided to lower by budget expectations. I know I could wait for him to save more and he would. But it has been so hard for him to save what he has so far, and he gets really anxious about money being tight. Well, I found a stone just under the original budget (i.e. before it started creeping up as he waited longer

). I told BF about it, since I was excited -- -- and his reply was something along the lines of "if I move this money around, I can do that." I was very encouraged by this. I mean, he was actaully talking about buying a stone! So I told him I was going to have WF call it in and he agreed.

I waited until after the huge Atlantic City Antique fair last weekend, because I was hoping one of the estate jewelers there might have something. They did not, but BF was very patient as I looked at every case.

I ordered the stone on Monday. Tuesday afternoon I got some pics, but they were''t great. I posted about the stone over in Rocky Talky, but didn''t get much feedback. I was having second thoughts. BF agreed that more pictures were needed. I got those yesterday, and they were a vast improvement! Back to being excited about the stone!

When BF got home, I excitedly showed him the pictures. He didn''t seem wowed, but I wouldn''t expect him to be, since I''m the one with the obsession.

I told him that it was looking good and that I though we should buy it. After all, WF has a great return policy and I''m not going to know anything until I see it...

Him: "Hmmmm, I have to think about it."
Me: "What is there to think about? I really like it!"
Him: "I''ve got to look at my finances."
Me: "But I told Celina that I would email her tonight. They won''t hold the stone for us indefinitely!"
Him: "I know, but I have to think about it."
Me: (tearing up)"You said you could afford it now... I wouldn''t have called it in otherwise."
Him: "Don''t be sad. I''m not saying no, just that I need to think about it."

Okay, that''s a bit simplified, but you get the idea. I''m so frustrated! This is all I have been able to think about for days. I just want him to trust my judgement and do what he said he would do! I don''t want to miss out on this stone.

 

[Lorelei]

Oh your poor thing! Give him a little time to do as he wants by thinking about it, but let him know that WF won't hold the diamond indefinitely and you would like to know by such and such a time if that is ok with him. In my experience, they just get angry if you try to push it, so just let him play it his way a bit but make sure he understands that diamond vendors can't be expected to hold a diamond for too long. Guys normally mean what they say with these things in my experience so don't try to read anything else into it, he probably does want to check his finances as he has never before dropped such a large amount of cash on a sparkly object! Play it his way a little and give him a little time to frantically do his math and move money if he needs to before he feels brave enough to pull the trigger and get used to the idea! I have stood in your shoes before, so I know how it feels!

Good luck and here's hoping that pretty will be on your finger soon!

 

[Blenheim]

I''m sorry, fatefelice.

The first thing that I thought when reading this was exactly how involved you two decided that you should be in the process. You might have said this earlier, but if so I''ve forgotten. Did he tell you his budget and that he would get whatever you chose? Or was he hoping that you would give him ideas or a short list of cushions & settings and that he would choose something and surprise you?

If he''s intending at surprising you at all, I can see him appearing to drag his feet for that reason. He also may not realize that cushions are much harder to come by than, say, RBs, and that if you found one that you like he needs to act.

If he''s letting you pick it out, then I''ll ditto what Lorelei said.

I like that cushion, and I''d be excited by it too. I''m trying to reduce my time on PS by only spending time on certain boards, at least until exams are over, so I haven''t seen your other post yet.

Good luck!

 

[firebirdgold]

I''m a little puzzled.
If he''s been saving and this cushion is below his original, smaller budget... exactly why doesn''t he have all the money available to hand? Sorry for being a little negative.

As Lorelei said, it''s a lot of money for a guy to drop on a piece of jewelry. Jewelry is not something they''ve thought about and it can be difficult for some men to wrap their heads around spending that kind of cash on a tiny bit of carbon.

I second Blenheim, guys seem to have this overwhelming urge to want to surprise us with the proposal and often with the ring. His feet dragging may be part of that. Who knows?

However since the diamond is well within the original budget, you have every right to feel frustrated and even a little angry. I would be. You''ve shown him how upset you are, and given the months you''ve spent looking hopefully he''s clued into how hard cushions are to find. I know it''s hard, maybe the hardest thing you''ve done, but now you have to trust him. I know that has been the hardest part for me about the whole ring business. Trust and the ability to relinquish some control is vital in a marriage, so we might as well start now.

Yeah, yeah, not that I''m doing so well at living up to those ideals myself.

Just keep dropping by and venting, we''re always here to listen.

 

[squeaksluv]

I''m with Blenheim on this, I think that maybe he really wants to surprise you which is why he''s not rushing to purchase it. He may appear to be dragging his feet but he may just be using that to throw you off?

But then again, sometimes when the moment comes to actually put the money down it can cause a bit of hesitation. Like, is this stone ''the one''? Maybe I can find something even better? etc. etc. He may need to sort it all out in his head before saying let''s do it. I know my bf is very much ''the thinker''. He never rushes into anything (maybe that''s why I still have no ring??!!) and likes to think through things before he does them. I think that''s why we get along so well though because I rush headfirst into everything, without thinking. He grounds me!

I do understand your being frustrated, I certainly would be too but maybe if you knew why he''s hesitating it''ll make sense to you.

Good luck!

 

[FireGoddess]

Virginia you are a stronger woman than I would be because when I''ve decided I want something, I WANT IT and nothing else will do! I would only be able to sleep knowing that stone was paid for and coming to ME, forget any surprise.

Fatafelice, I do hope this is more of a tripping on his feet than dragging his feet thing, because that cushion is BEAUTIFUL and I would love to see you get it. Perhaps if you told him exactly how long they were willing to hold it for you, he could come to terms with the decision in the time frame necessary. I know if it were me I''d be a PITA and be talking all about how it''s an antiquey one and they''re hard to find and yadda yadda yadda how long I''ve been searching for the right one...but in reality he may know this and not appreciate the reminder. On the other hand they can be dense sometimes and the fact that you love it and it''s under budget should be enough!

I don''t think I''m helping here

other than to tell you I feel your pain and hope he gets off his duff soon!

 

[Lorelei]

I am the same way FG, when I want something it has to be NOW if not sooner and sometimes I have to cool it bigtime to let the cogs of Hubby's brain start turning around to my way of thinking! ESPECIALLY with sparkly things, but I know that if I am going to get my way, I have to play " yes Dear, whatever you say Dear" for the time he specifies to get the result I want!

It is bloomin' well hard though

I am also a major PITA and very sneaky with it I am sorry to say.......

Virginia, I would like to express my admiration for your self control, you are a much stronger woman than me too!

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 3/30/2006 3:13:59 PM
Author: Virginia

Date: 3/30/2006 3:05:52 PM
Author: Lorelei
I am the same way FG, when I want something it has to be NOW if not sooner and sometimes I have to cool it bigtime to let the cogs of Hubby''s brain start turning around to my way of thinking! ESPECIALLY with sparkly things, but I know that if I am going to get my way, I have to play '' yes Dear, whatever you say Dear'' for the time he specifies to get the result I want!

It is bloomin'' well hard though

I am also a major PITA and very sneaky with it I am sorry to say.......

Virginia, I would like to express my admiration for your self control, you are a much stronger woman than me too!

Yes, it WAS hard....BUT when the man came home from work as usual on Friday with a silly grin on his face and a box in his hand you can imagine how FUN and unexpected it was! I went through the whole range of emotions just like I know I will feel when he actually proposes!

It was a precious, sweet moment that we would not have had if I had been too demanding! He then told me that he knew how much it meant to me and that I should know he would never let me down! I let him have his moment of glory....the magnificent man bringing home my beautiful diamond. I lost my breath. It was amazing.

Virginia......you are amazing....

I couldn''t do it! I am such a brat

 

[sunkist]

Fata, I''m pretty much in the same situation too! I''ve found 2 stones that I would be very happy with. I asked my BF if we could have them sent to our house so we could see them in person to make a decision. He''s said OK on occasions before, but this time he was himming and hawing about it. He''s still at the point where he doesn''t trust online vendors when making such a large purchase as a diamond. Maybe this is where your BF is at? I haven''t done this myself yet, but perhaps you should put him in touch with WF so that he can talk to them and see how trustworthy they are. They can explain all the "rules" to him about purchases and gaurantees, and returns, etc. I think that would set him at ease about making the purchase !

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 3/30/2006 3:21:35 PM
Author: Lorelei
Virginia......you are amazing....

I couldn''t do it! I am such a brat

Hehe me too but probably because I know my DH wouldn''t have gotten his crap together in time to get my stone! LOL

 

[fatafelice]

Thanks SO much for the feedback, everyone!!! It really helps!

Blenheim, I think you make a good point. We have never really nailed down how this will work. He did give me an idea of what his budget would be (last summer and he is just now reaching that amount in savings!), and we have gone to stores together. I know that he would rather surprise me, but he also does underestand exactly how hard it is to find the kind of stone I am looking for. He is also aware that I know WAY more than he does...hehe, he still persists in calling the open culet the "hole in the bottom of the stone," but I think at this point he is just teasing me.

I did originally put together a spreadsheet of possible stones that he could choose from if he wanted to. I know, I am such a control-freaky dork! The problem is that the list is based on specs and certs. Without seeing them, it is impossible to choose a cushion. Even if he could see them and picked one, I think he would be worried that it wouldn''t be right. We had a bad birthday gift jewelry experience years ago and he hasn''t wanted to pick anything sparkly out for me since. Oops...did I mention I''m a picky control freak?

The other problem with the spreadsheet is that it was mostly made up of stones 1-2 thousand over the original budget. My fault entirely, as I had a fantasy in my mind that kept growing and growing the longer he waited. About two weeks ago, I asked myself, "Would you rather wait for him to save that much or would you rather get engaged already?" I decided that I, personally, was being too materialistic and I needed to let go of my desire for a "giant" stone. We can use the money for other things, and he has been really stressed trying to save the past few months.

I definitely think it is possible that he is just nervous about spending the cash. He does know that he can trust WF, however, as I have worked with them before. Thier customer service when I was getting a custom halo pendant showed him that they were trustworthy and worthwhile. Plus, we''ve been to a few B&Ms and they have left a sour taste in his mouth, I think. He''s always proud that I seem to know more than some of the salespeople!

I don''t think he is trying to surprise me or sneak anything. He doesn''t really do that and it would require a lot of effort. He is absolutely amazing at the day to day stuff, but big gestures are not his thing.

One last thing: Virginia, I truly admire your self control!!! I don''t think I could do it! But if he tells me it is the only way, I guess I will have to. I have emailed WF to find out how long they will hold the stone, but I haven''t heard back yet.

 

[stermag]

Virginia, we must have been like two boats passing each other in the dark...

You''re here and yet I feel like I haven''t seen you in ages.

A very touching story, btw, regarding your diamond purchase. I especially liked the comment your BF made about making sure you knew he wouldn''t let you down. I applaud your strength in waiting, even more so if that is not usually very easy for you.

We had sort of a similar experience. I found a stone, had it called in, Jim @JA examined it and sent me his thoughts, based on which I pretty much decided I was all for it... but ... would BF be as well? He had to think about it a little bit, but in the end ... supported me in the choice.

fatafelice, I guess there is some risk that if you keep pushing him and trying to convince him too hard, he might get the impression that you don''t have faith in his ability to make a sound decision. Try to bite down on something and give him a little bit of time. Easier said than done, for sure.

 

[blueroses]

FF, any update? Hang in there, babe!!

 

[fatafelice]

I was waiting to post until I had more definitive news...

I emailed Celina on Thurs. to ask how long they would hold the diamond so that I could tell my BF. Oddly, I still have not heard back from her. I''m going to email her again tomorrow.

Anyway, you guys would be proud of me! I said nothing on Thursday or Friday, other than to let him know that I had emailed Celina to ask about a deadline. And then Friday night to let him know that I still hadn''t heard from her. He had pratically no response to both comments.

I was kind of hoping that he had secrectly contacted WF and told them to stall me or something so that he could surprise me. That''s the only reason I didn''t call Celina in a panic that they would send the stone back.

Well, I guess I should have called, because I finally broke down and asked him about it yesterday, and he had done nothing of the sort. Hadn''t called to move the money that needs to get moved. Hadn''t called Wf. Nothing.

The good news is that he said if that was the stone that I really wanted, then we could get it. He then told me (as if joking, but proabably not) that I ruin the romance of diamonds. I felt terrible. I told him that I only found it myself because he didn''t seem to have any interest in learning about them to begin with. He said he would have been interested-- and picked the stone out himself -- if I had been anyone else, but that he didn''t have any faith that it would be exactly what I wanted, because I am so picky and know exactly what I want. Again, I felt terrible.

I did remind him that the actual proposal would be all him and a surprise. And I told him he could be in charge of the setting (

) even though we had previously agreed that I would pay for and deal with the setting -- agian, since I am so picky. He only laughed.

So, I am going to get the stone.

But I told him that it will all be up to him from now on. He will have to call WF, get his money moved, etc. He will have to decide on a temporary setting, or if he wants to, the final setting. I won''t know when he gets it or anything. I won''t get to see it until the proposal.

Lets see if I can make it!

 

[anchor31]

I''m sorry your boyfriend feels that you''re "ruining it" (here comes that silly surprise myth again), but I''m so happy that you''re getting your stone!! You must be sooo excited about it!