Snubbed by a friend?

[IrishEyes]

Ok, I realize this doesn''t have anything to do with jewelry or diamonds, but I respect so many of your opinions and need some advice!

I have a friend, for privacy purposes, let me call her Kate. Kate and I met a few years ago while we were working in a restaurant together. We started talking and discovered we are very much alike: we both have the same sense of humor ( mostly sarcastic), we are both natural pessimists ( or as we would say "realists" !), we both had the same interests, etc. etc. So we started hanging out alot. I was just dating my husband at the time, and she was dating a guy too, but they were having alot of problems. She told me several times that she was jealous of my good relationship with my bf, but it didn''t seem to get in the way of our friendship.
Then one day Kate called me to tell me she was pregnant. It was an "accident" and she was really bummed because she always said she didn''t want kids, especially since her and her bf were not married and were having problems anyway. Shortly after this, I was activated in the military and sent to the Middle East. She gave birth to her son while I was overseas. During this time also (right before I went overseas) I got married to my bf. After I came home for good, we hung out a few times. Her son is absolutely gorgeous and a wonderful little boy, and I would stop by and see them frequently. She is living with the father, but they are basically only together because of their son. They have ( from what I''ve seen and what she''s said) a very difficult and unemotional relationship.
The problem is, over the past 4 months or so, she has not made ANY attempts to call me and see me. Everytime (and there''s only been a handful) I see her, it''s because I call and stop by. And when I''m there, she seems upset and distant and will spend some time on the phone talking to her another friend ( who has a daughter), WHILE I''M SITTING THERE TRYING TO TALK TO HER!! She doesn''t call me anymore or anything. I realize she is a mother chasing around a 20-month old, but she certainly has time to call her other friend. I''ve even offered to babysit for her whenever, but she has never taken me up on the offer.
I know that she is envious of me and my relationship with my husband (we are very much in love and happy), and that I don''t have any children and have alot of "me" time right now. But I try to be there for her as much as possible and just want to be friends again. I even go out of my way not to talk about " good" things in my life so that she''s not upset. I know I should just talk to her about all this but I cant'' get ahold of her!!! She doesn''t even return my voicemails anymore! What do I do? Did I do something wrong?? I don''t want to lose her friendship, I really miss seeing her and her son.

Sorry for the length! any comments would be appreciated

 

[solange]

I think you should send her a note explaining how you fee, much as you did here. You might ask her if there is anything on her mind about the relationship that she would like to discuss. Perhaps there was a misunderstanding that you are not aware of.
If you do not hear from her or if her response is negative, then you should just drop the matter and concentrate on other relationships. There are some relationships that are just too stressful and complicated and should not be continued. This may be one of them. Maybe she is uncomfortable having you see how her life is going.
You have certainly tried to be a good friend but if she is not open to even discussing it with you, you should just drop it.
It sounds like you have a lot to offer as a friend but some relationships are just too hard to maintain. It may be time to just give up and go on to better relationships. This sounds like a one way street.

 

[youngster]

You seem like you''ve been a really good friend to this woman and her child. Before giving up completely, perhaps you should try having a talk with her. Just tell her how much you value your relationship with her and her little boy but that you feel you aren''t as close as you once were. Don''t accuse her of anything or bring up past slights that might make her defensive. It may prompt a genuine heart-to-heart talk wherein you can revive your relationship. You also should be prepared for the possibility that she will tell you that she''s just not interested in being close friends with you any longer. It''s lousy but sometimes it does happen. Friendships run their course and sometimes have to end. You haven''t done anything wrong. She just may be too wrapped up in her own problems (and a bit jealous of your own good fortune) to want to continue the friendship right now. Good luck.

 

[IrishEyes]

Thanks for the quick replies! I like the letter idea, since she really isn''t returning my calls I could possibly try that. I think you both may be right about some friendships running their course - it looks as though that may end up being the case here, but we''ll see. Thanks so much

 

[pqcollectibles]

Your friend is probably dealing with several things. She had a child that was not planned. She may resent being a Mom and loosing time for herself somewhat. Her relationship with her BF/Hubby isn''t good. You don''t have a child and you have a rich and rewarding relationship with your Hubby. She may resent you somewhat for those things. And, right now, you don''t have one very important thing in common with. You are not a Mommy of a small child.

Believe it or not, her life is probably very deeply involved in the Potty, and bedtime, and naptime, and other Kiddie things. For quite a while when children are small, many Mommies feel like their entire life revolves around the color of the pooh in the diaper. Been there done that. Kate probably isn''t keeping up with too many other people from her old crowd right now, and may not even see the news regularly to know what''s happening in the world. Her "phone" friend shares a common interest because that friend has a child too. They are both going thru being up in the middle of the night with a sick baby, immunizations, baby foods, etc. I know when my kids were small, my circle of friends changed somewhat. I spent less time with people discussing intellectual things and more time with other Mommies picking up parenting tips like which diaper works best, are the hot toys really practical, etc. Other new Mommies going thru the same thing are a great support for your friend that she may subconsciously feel/think you cannot relate to. The 2 of you just aren''t on the same page in your life right now is all.

Give her time. As her son gets older, and especially after he starts to school, your friend will become more like her old self. Right now, you just have to be patient with her.

 

[Diamonds4Me]

This is just MHO. I know that this isn''t going to make the situation any better but it could be a case of depression that she has. In her mind her life has been turned upside down with no way to straighten it back up. She sees your life as the one she wants and now she probably feels that she will never have that same happiness that you and your husband share. Until she comes to the realization that she''s pretty lucky to have a healthy child, a guy that is there for that child even though they don''t particularly care for each other (there are other alternatives than to live together in an unhappy relationship because a child can sense negative feelings...not good) and a wonderful friend like you, she''s going to be a very sad person for a very long time.

As far as her calling other mothers while you are visiting, I have actually seen this with other relatively new mothers. One of my friends and her husband had a baby and after the baby was born they surrounded themselves with other new parents and have pretty much forgotten about their friends who do not have children. I''m guessing it''s sort of a support system? I really can''t say very much because I don''t have children and I don''t know first hand what kind of changes that would cause as far as a circle of friendship. But calling someone else to have a conversation while you are visiting isn''t right.

But again..it all boils down to a possible case of depression. Depression can make you do some odd things that are way out of character.

I think she is very lucky to have a friend like you that has tried to be there for her even though she''s been distant. I hope that she realizes soon that she is very lucky because true friends who are always there for you are hard to come by.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 2/6/2005 10

1:12 PM
Author: pqcollectibles
I know when my kids were small, my circle of friends changed somewhat. I spent less time with people discussing intellectual things and more time with other Mommies picking up parenting tips like which diaper works best, are the hot toys really practical, etc. Other new Mommies going thru the same thing are a great support for your friend that she may subconsciously feel/think you cannot relate to. The 2 of you just aren''t on the same page in your life right now is all.

Give her time. As her son gets older, and especially after he starts to school, your friend will become more like her old self. Right now, you just have to be patient with her.

Precisely what I was thinking, PQ. You are a wise women!

Her WORLD doesn''t go beyond the child. But, if you want to remain friends & try to be on the same page, include the child in every aspect of your friendship. In other words, invite her & the child go out to a kid friendly place - even if it''s Mcky D''s. Have conversation focusing on the child. It''s actually kind of interesting & other conversation will come in time.

Being a parent, especially a first time parent - is truly overwhelming. That coupled with other life issues gives her one full boat. You may say you will babysit - set up a specific time. Honestly, she may not think you mean it. And, she may think you may bite off more than you can chew. And, she may not be confident enough to laugh when she comes home to a Fort with one child lost inside of the roll out couch

- yep, happened to me.

Good luck.

 

[IrishEyes]

Thank you again for your thoughts, everyone. They are really giving me some perspective. I know that I''m not in the ''mommy club'', so it is probably hard for her to relate to me now, as me to her. She probably is suffering from some kind of depression, for all the ingredients for that are present: she''s the mother of a small child ( she really loves him, but I know she misses her freedom), she''s in an uncomfortable relationship, she feels bad about her physical appearance ( baby left her with horrible stretch marks and excess weight), she''s on the lower end of the socio-economic scale right now, etc, etc. I know she probably seeks comfort with other mothers who are sharing the same, and honestly, I really can''t blame her. Many times, that''s how people become friends in the first place; we are finding the common denominator between ourselves and others. I think I will see where this goes, as pqcollectibles said, she may just need a few years or so. If I''m around then, we''ll see where things go. Perhaps we can be friends again someday, as I would really like that. For the record, this is not the first time this kind of thing has happened to me, I have "lost" like two other girlfriends due to marriage and/ or children. Children I can kinda understand, but when a girl gets married, there is NO reason she should suddenly forget about her girlfriends and get all wrapped up in her man

 

[MichelleCarmen]

She sounds like she has her hands full and has good reason to. Having a small child is A LOT of work and sometimes when a parent has the child down for a nap or whatever, they like to have a bit of QUIET rather than blab on the phone with a friend who rattles on about their daily life! Parents give give give and some friends expect this same parent to give to them as well, and it's just too much. Overload!

To say she is envious of your relationship with your husband and that she has said so on many occasions is sad. You seem a bit braggy about your great relationship and possibly this HAS rubbed her the wrong way. It would bother me too!

And, I don't mean the last paragraph to be b*tchy one. I'm just saying in all honesty, she has a bad relationship with her husband, a child who required continuous attention and possibly a husband who doesn't help out and WHY would she want to be around someone who's all giddy and happy under these circumstances? It just more than anything adds to her stress level.

Edited to add: you also seem to put your friend down a lot in your posts. . .seems like if you wanted to be her friend, you'd list the positives not the negatives like how chubby and broke she is. JMO

 

[fire&ice]

The main ingredient in friendship is being involved with one''s friend''s reality. If you are unable to do that, then the friendship shouldn''t be maintain from either party.

 

[IrishEyes]

Here are her positives:

I thinks she''s beautiful!
She has a great sense of humor
She''s very ''street smart'' and has alot of common sense, something many people don''t have
She''s a fantastic mother!
She tries very hard to make things good for her and her bf
She''s into forensic sciences and is very intelligent
She''s caring, giving and respectful
She has a smile that will warm anyone''s heart and a laugh that gets anyone out of their bad mood!

There are a thousand more! I''ve never bragged about my relationship to her, in fact we do the ''girl talk'' thing and she is one of the few people I can really gripe about my DH to, and tell her all the things he has done to drive me insane. She knows the positives/negatives in my relationship, and I know the positives/negatives in hers.

Maybe I didn''t give enough information, but I don''t think she''s "chubby", she does. She does have a few extra pounds from her pregnancy, but I still think she looks great. and I tell her this. I''m no barbie doll myself, and I don''t pretend to be. I really don''t think I''ve been a bad friend to her or have been braggy, and I love her son and want to continue to be a part of their lives. I realize being a mom is difficult and the hardest job there is - I lost a child four years ago. I lost my baby in the second trimester, and even though I never had her, I am a mother in my heart and have incredible respect for girls who do have children. I''m just trying to find a way to get back into her life because I miss the great friendship we used to have.... I''m not trying to be friends with her just to "toot my own horn"

 

[Skyblue]

I really think you just need to give her time. Having children can be a shock to anyone and when you factor in a "surprise" and what appears to be a less than ideal relationship, things can become overwhelming. Yes, she probably does resent you right now but I think (hope) that she knows you value your friendship and in time will come to value it again.

The "upset and distant" can be directed at you or quite proablably she is just stressed out at having to take care of a small child. It is hard to understand when you do not have children (I know I had no clue b4 I had kids) and some people resent the adjustments that have to be made. In particular, the loss of "freedom" really hits home when you see your childless friends doing whatever they want (perception). For example, dropping in at a moment''s notice when she now has to plan for a week to go to the grocery store.

BTW, I do not think you come off as judgemental towards your friend. I think you were just trying to provide a complete picture. It sounds like you care about this person so try to stick in there. You might want to suggest going to the park or some other phonefree area and see if you can get her to talk.

Good luck and best wishes

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Hi,

Yeah, you know it''s really hard to have any prospective on a person''s post when we really don''t know the people involved or all the details, just what''s been written. I hope that I didn''t come across as too harsh!

Maybe your friend also feels bad because of your loss. . .There are so many things that can be going on and so just keep up the contact and she''ll come around when she is ready.

Good luck to you.