small wedding - hurt feelings? / nontraditional ceremony?

[questionaboutsettings]

Hi girls! I was just wondering if anyone who''s had or is planning a small wedding has had to deal with hurt feelings of those who weren''t invited, and how they dealt with it - specifically if having a very small ceremony and then a big reception party later. My plan has been to have a small ceremony with immediate family, and then have a big party at a different time, but I am getting the feeling that some people don''t really like this idea....and also am afraid that it will seem silly if there is too long between the ceremony and party (it might be several months).

Because of this, I am actually debating just having a traditional wedding - except that is not what I want at all! I''m not planning on walking down the aisle, having bridesmaids, etc. - just a short civil ceremony - so I am wondering if I could even "get away" with that if I have 100 guests - I feel like I might be snowballed into going along with all the traditional stuff to make the guests happy. Which is just frustrating....

It''s tough because of everyone says "it''s your wedding, do what you want" but then turns around and gets annoyed or suggests you do things a different way!

Thanks so much for any input

 

[sydneycasandra]

I would hope/think that people would rather see a happy bride doing things her own way (be they traditional or non) rather than a nervous, uncomfortable bride doing whatever it is her family and friends expects her to be doing.

We had a small (2 guests, my mom & her boyfriend) destination wedding on 5/22, and our reception is this coming Sunday (6/4). No one gave us any grief about it (I only have 3 other blood relatives than my mom and none of them cared what we did) from my side, and on DH''s side, I think everyone thinks we''re a little kooky anyhow so they weren''t surprised. (DH is significantly older than myself and this is his second marriage, first ended due to wife''s infidelity which is excusable by his Irish Catholic parents but they aren''t "excited" about a 2nd wedding and haven''t really done much to help or support us although they''ve been nice enough.) If you have a very large, very involved family your situation could be much different. Among our friends, none of them cared, they are probably secretly relieved that they don''t have to sit through a ceremony but instead just get to come to the party!

The one downfall to the running-away (be it DW or very small civil ceremony/JOP) followed by a party is that no one really gets as worked up about it. People treat the reception much more casually than I think they would if it was immediately following the wedding, and people are generally making less effort to try and come, or to RSVP; people are also asking me if they should "wear something nice"- is that really a question? I sort of sometimes feel like my wedding passed by with no one really paying any attention; if that thought bothers you, perhaps you should rethink your plans.

Having a reception several months after the wedding seems that it would only exacerbate some of the problems I mentioned above; people will feel less inclined to treat it as a "wedding reception" and more of just a "big party".

Good luck on making this decision; it was a hard one for us and I sometimes still wonder, even though our wedding was beautiful and truly wonderful, if we made the right one. I guess I''ll see on Sunday!

 

[questionaboutsettings]

Thank you so much for the reply, AntiguaBride! Great food for thought...I think you''re right about people not getting as excited about the party if it''s separate from the ceremony...and also right that people should want the couple to be comfortable during their own ceremony! I just can''t picture a traditional wedding ceremony at all for some reason...and that''s a big reason a tradiational wedding concerns me...

 

[researcher]

Having lots of mormon friends, I've had plenty of invites to receptions only and never thought a thing about not being invited to the ceremony. That being said, it was still nice to see the bride and groom all dressed up and how happy they were immediately following the ceremony.

I think that, if you explain to people that you just want a very intimate ceremony for just you and your future hubby they will understand. But, I do agree that having a big separation between the ceremony and the reception will take away from the event for most of the guests. I don't think you need to have a traditional ceremony, but I do think your guests would like to share the day with you. Otherwise, I too would feel the reception was just an excuse to party. However, if you're fine with a casual reception I think you should go for it!

IMO the only thing that would make it more understandable to have a lot of time between the ceremony and reception would be if the ceremony and reception locations were in different cities/states/countries. I've had 2 friends who got married out of the country and then a month later had a reception for all their family and friends back home. Because it was the first time we were seeing the couple following the ceremony and we all knew it would cost WAY to much to attend the wedding, it was the perfect solution.

On a final note, I think it's really hard to know what to do about out-of-town guests in situations like yours. I just wonder if people would feel comfortable coming out for a wedding (or even same day reception), but not so much for a "big party". Just a thought!

No matter what, do what you're comfortable with. You can never please everyone. We had several friends who were very upset with us for not inviting them to the wedding, and didn't seem to understand that we wanted to keep our final count between 100-125 guests for the venue we wanted (a yacht). But, once they saw the wedding photos they were okay with it (I guess they realized how much of our wedding was family and therefore didn't feel so left out). So, my take is do what YOU want to do, and try not to get too stressed out about it. If people are truly your friends they will understand--eventually

 

[froufrou]

why not just have your reception the same day as the ceremony and just invite immediate family to the ceremony and everyone else to the reception? i dont understand why you feel like you have to have a couple months in between the marriage and the reception? i dont think anyone would mind if the reception was "nontraditional" but i think it WOULD be nice to have it on the day of the actual ceremony, or the next day. unless that''s completely impossible if they are in different places.

 

[jaz464]

I am having a small (30 guests) destination wedding. Some people are a little upset and I know that some that are invited may have to stretch to be able to afford it. It''s in the Bahamas. Anyway, this is what I really want. Some people have said "why can''t you just have it at home" and I say "we want to do something different. This is what will make us happy." If people can''t understand that, too bad. It is our wedding and we are paying for it. Don''t give in to make the guests happy, if you will not be as well.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 6/1/2006 12:12:41 PM
Author:questionaboutsettings

My plan has been to have a small ceremony with immediate family, and then have a big party at a different time, but I am getting the feeling that some people don''t really like this idea....and also am afraid that it will seem silly if there is too long between the ceremony and party (it might be several months).

Because of this, I am actually debating just having a traditional wedding - except that is not what I want at all!

QAS.....my advice is to do what makes YOU happy, whatever that is. Everyone else can do what they want when it''s their wedding.

This one is yours, and you are the one who will reflect on this day much more than anyone else. Everyone else will get over it, so do what makes YOU happy.

I had a small wedding - immediate family of 10 and 15 extremely close friends. All of my extended family understood it perfectly except for one aunt who is STILL bent out of shape over it nearly 2 years later. That''s her problem, frankly.

I cannot tell you how many times we''ve already reminisced about our wedding in the nearly two years since we married, and neither of us has a single regret about how we did things. I''m glad I followed my instincts and didn''t let family bully me into something that wouldn''t fit me.

 

[selflove]

I would only worry about pleasing your parents, and that''s only if they are supportive of you (emotionally speaking, not necessarily financially). The rest of the guests shouldn''t have a say in what you decide to do with your wedding.

But I do agree with the others that if you have the reception on any day except the day of the ceremony, the guests will probably treat it differently.

 

[bravesfan]

My fiance and I are having a small wedding/reception and having a big relaxed reception after we get back from our honeymoon. On top of that--- I have a HUGE extended family that I am very close to. I just explained that it was very important to us to keep it small ( especially with the budget) and that i wanted them to be a part of it which is why we are doing the second reception that everyone could come to with out causing financial problems. I think the you family/ frineds will understand.

Good luck!!!

 

[ellewoods]

I am just recently engaged, so my thoughts here aren''t as having gone through a wedding yet. But I understand your frustrations. I agree that you should hold the type of wedding ceremony and reception that you''re happy with, and guests and family who don''t like it for whatever reason can always choose not to attend. It''s not their wedding after all, so the polite thing to do is keep quiet if they can''t be supportive.

That being said, I think the rest of the girls have pointed out a very good thing to consider -- guests just aren''t as worked up or excited about a reception-after-the-fact. I''m not saying this is deserved, but its the way things seem to go if you choose to have a small ceremony or elope and then have a reception/big party afterwards to celebrate.

I think a reception-after-the-fact can appear in a number of ways to guests: 1) perfectly fine, a good way to celebrate with friends and family who weren''t invited due to the tiny size of the ceremony; 2) a good idea, but lacking in the same feeling of ceremony and formality of a actual wedding + reception (so some guests won''t attend due to other obligations, but it it was a real wedding + reception they probably would have altered their plans to attend); 3) somewhat out of place, as the wedding will have already been conducted without all the post-party guests in attendance; and even 4) inappropriate, and could be viewed as "gift grabby."

I don''t think this is the same type of situation as the controversy surrounding having an actual wedding ceremony AFTER you''ve been married by a justice of the peace, or a quickie small weddnig for immigration reasons, money reasons, health insurance reasons, etc. There, I think once you''ve been married in any sort of ceremony (provided you chose to marry in that way), then it is inappropriate to have a second wedding ceremony.

But I think it does ruffle people''s feathers in the same type of way. Anytime you do something out of the ordinary it seems outsiders are going to have strong opinions about it, no matter that it doesn''t really effect them at all.

Good luck with whatever you decide. It sounds like you really want to do something different than the traditional big ceremony, so you should. But you may want to compromise on some things -- like some of the others suggested, have the post-wedding reception soon after the actual ceremony so you keep more of the excitement up for your friends and family.

 

[treysar]

My best friend did this - she had a private ceremony and that night she had a large reception.

I have to admit, I was really REALLY hurt about not being invited to the ceremony, because she had initally asked me to be in the wedding party, and then changed her mind a few months later. (Might I add that she kept one BM, but fired me and another girl) So I felt sad and left out, and totally insulted.

I got over , and she had what she wanted - and honestly, it was HER choice and it''s HER big day, not mine, so she did what was right for her.

I still feel bad when I think about it though!

 

[FireGoddess]

I can see how that would upset you Treysar, being her best friend and asked to be in the wedding party, and then renegged. That would be upsetting.

I do think QAS that you should do what makes you happy. It''s not about other people, it''s about the two of you. I do agree that having the party soon after the actual nuptials does make a difference - people are more excited about it soon after it''s taken place. My BIL and SIL had a destination wedding in Greece. We could not go but they had a reception at a restaurant 3 days after they returned. It was really nice, we heard stories and saw pictures of the trip, and it was a lot of fun.

 

[nytemist]

We have a few people that are a bit bent out of shape that they didn''t receive a STD magnet from us. I have a huge family on my dad''s side, but I''m only inviting the one uncle and 2 aunts that I''m the closest to. Scores of other relatives want to come now, but I had to say no due to money of course and space constraints. Our venue is kind of small; it can only hold about 45 people seated at tables. My mother is not happy that I haven''t invited any of her extended family (I''m not close to any of them, but still she complains) Mother also isn''t pleased that is a completely non-traditional wedding- first, we''re getting married on Halloween; second, not a white dress and third, it''s a Wiccan ceremony.

Some around us can hem and haw all they like about not being invited or how we''re going to do it- fine with us. We think about all the other people coming who are just thrilled to share this day with us, no matter what we do. That is what it'' all about.

You and your fiance should go with how you feel, what you like and what represents YOU.

 

[questionaboutsettings]

Ladies, thank you so much for the awesome replies! I have been mulling this all over, and your input has been *so* helpful - you have no idea!

The reason why there might be several months between a small ceremony and the reception would be purely because of vacation schedules - I definitely agree it would be much better to have the two close together. A few of y''all mentioned how guests might see the reception as just a big party if it''s far apart from the ceremony - the thing is, that''s fine with me!!! The reception is really for them, not me - a chance for family and friends to have some fun and celebrate. That''s sort of the reason for this all or none situation - if we don''t have 10 people in a small ceremony, it will be over 100. That''s not much to most people, but it just seems big to me since I would like a small wedding.

I like the suggestion about having a small ceremony followed by a large reception on the same day - a friend had suggested that to me - but I was thinking that actually seemed like the situation in which the most people would be bent out of shape about it - because guests would be in town, there for the wedding, and I can just see everyone grumbling that they came all that way and can''t even go to the ceremony! Our friends probably would be fine with it, but I think (maybe it''s a generational thing?) that would actually make family members much more upset because they will tangibly be missing "part of the fun". Maybe it''s just my family... I am considering having a small ceremony and later that week a reception... it''s just an issue of scheduling, and transportation for several family members that would be mortified if they weren''t there...which is turning into the main issue against having the small ceremony in the first place.

This is just so annoying - because what would make me happy is, seriously, eloping and coming back to a party - but that would disappoint our parents - which is totally valid. I just can''t imagine spending all the money and time on a big wedding when I have never wanted one at all - but yet, this small ceremony idea is turning out to be just as difficult because of who would need to be invited and the logistics of it.

One thing I was considering with a larger wedding is trying to make it as casual as possible - fun location, daytime, etc. My FI insists on a nighttime wedding, but I have been trying to think of fun locations where it might be less formal... does anyone have any ideas of places in the wintertime (again, work scheduling!) that could be fun?

I am trying to be less sensitive to what friends/family think - you guys are right that I should be happy with the arrangements.. I am just used to trying to make people happy, and my FI is the same way.

Sorry this is so long and rambling...I appreciate the advice!

 

[sydneycasandra]

This might not work but what about a very pretty greenhouse? It would be warm but probably not too terribly formal; you could give little potted plants as favors? (OK maybe cheesy but maybe fun?)

 

[galeteia]

Date: 6/1/2006 3:16:20 PM
Author: ellewoods
I don''t think this is the same type of situation as the controversy surrounding having an actual wedding ceremony AFTER you''ve been married by a justice of the peace, or a quickie small weddnig for immigration reasons, money reasons, health insurance reasons, etc. There, I think once you''ve been married in any sort of ceremony (provided you chose to marry in that way), then it is inappropriate to have a second wedding ceremony.

I am afraid I''ve got to disagree with that one. I''m not all that religious, but married on paper (as I will be for immigration purposes) and married in a church, with a ceremony, before your family and friends and ''before God'' is a different matter altogether and separate from the legal paperwork.

There will be a year or two between my civil marriage and my ceremonial one. We will be paperwork married at the same time we are officially engaged. In my heart, you aren''t ''married'' until you stand up infront of your family and friends and declare your vows.

But that''s just me.

 

[rms]

Date: 6/2/2006 4:09:07 PM
Author: Galateia

Date: 6/1/2006 3:16:20 PM
Author: ellewoods
I don''t think this is the same type of situation as the controversy surrounding having an actual wedding ceremony AFTER you''ve been married by a justice of the peace, or a quickie small weddnig for immigration reasons, money reasons, health insurance reasons, etc. There, I think once you''ve been married in any sort of ceremony (provided you chose to marry in that way), then it is inappropriate to have a second wedding ceremony.

I am afraid I''ve got to disagree with that one. I''m not all that religious, but married on paper (as I will be for immigration purposes) and married in a church, with a ceremony, before your family and friends and ''before God'' is a different matter altogether and separate from the legal paperwork.

There will be a year or two between my civil marriage and my ceremonial one. We will be paperwork married at the same time we are officially engaged. In my heart, you aren''t ''married'' until you stand up infront of your family and friends and declare your vows.

But that''s just me.

I also disagree. We had a civil ceremony and then a reception on one coast where we live, then we had a church ceremony and reception on the other coast, where I am from and where my family still is. We did it this way for several reasons.

To answer questionaboutsettings'' question, for our civil ceremony we only invited about 30 people, then the reception was right afterward where we had about 100 people. It worked out really well for us! No one seemed upset about it. If they were, they certainly didn''t tell us

 

[diamondfan]

I agree with the overall concensus...it is your day. Aside from you and your fiance, you cannot begin to worry about making all people happy. If it makes YOU two happy, that is what matters. If you gave in to all people, you would end up looking back and not having the best memories, but maybe feeling like you gave in to the pressures and caved to other people''s will. Yes, people will say they want you to do you want, but will also give a bit a ''tude when you are not listening to them!

I do think people treat a celebration after the fact a bit differently than a wedding ceremony with a party that immediately follows, but again, you cannot control others so you have to just do what is best for you and accept that other people will see things the way they want and act accordingly. There is really nothing you can do about individual people''s mindsets, so accept that and do what works for you!

Good luck and I am sure in the end you will just be happy about being together and will be able to keep that in the forefront of your mind!

 

[questionaboutsettings]

Thanks for the replies ladies... my current update (hopefully I won''t keep changing my plans!) is to have about 100 people invited to a relatively traditional ceremony and reception. It wasn''t what I wanted, but the situation just got confusing with who would be at the small ceremony, and when my schedule would permit a reception later - and it just seemed like it was getting to be a lot of work! While having people less excited about a reception at a later date didn''t bother me at all (I really think of a reception as being thrown for the guests, at least in my case) it was just getting frustrating to figure out the details.


I found a couple of cool indoor locations I am going to check out - it''s just frustrating because you guys were right, you can never make everyone happy! My mom was really happy I decided to have a bigger ceremony, but IMMEDIATELY started worrying about it being in the winter - worrying about travel for people, worrying about what if it snows and people can''t show up and there''s too much food and it''s wasted, etc etc etc. Argh! I told her how frustrating it was to keep hearing this so she said she''d try not to say anything...we''ll see if that can happen! I mean, people travel for the holidays all the time, even if it might snow then ... it''s just something you deal with.


Thanks again for the great advice.