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Smurfysmiles

Ideal_Rock
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I''m not sure how many of you have heard this phrase and I understand that people are well meaning but right now it''s just ticking me right off. I mention that dh and I can''t wait to have children and automatically we get

"oh you don''t need to do that right now"
"you need more time alone"
"babies are so expensive"
"you won''t get any sleep, why would you want to do that!"
"oh you are way too young for babies"

UGH. I just don''t understand why people feel the need to say these things about something I am just generally expressing interest and excitement about in the future. It''s not like I end the conversation by saying "Sorry gotta go make babies now" ya know? I guess I am just one of those people who hates being told what to do and how I should do things and what''s best for me...meh...if you read this far thanks for listening lol
 
Hehe, at the risk of saying "just wait..."
Just wait till you''re pregnant...then all the unwanted advice starts. And when you have a LO, you can''t keep people from giving you unwanted opinions if you try!
 
I guess I''ll just have to invest in a large poking stick, you give me advice you get a *hard* prod! lol
 
Smufry, who are you hearing this from? parents or random co-workers?
 
a little of everyone, co workers, relatives, strangers

usually precursed by "so are you planning on having kids at all?"

lol i mean really, why ask if you are just going to lecture me!
 
''oh you don''t need to do that right now''
You don''t.

''you need more time alone''
You do.

''babies are so expensive''
They are.

''you won''t get any sleep, why would you want to do that!''
You won''t.

emsmilep.gif
 
Date: 12/3/2009 10:05:09 AM
Author: Sabine
Hehe, at the risk of saying ''just wait...''
Just wait till you''re pregnant...then all the unwanted advice starts. And when you have a LO, you can''t keep people from giving you unwanted opinions if you try!
exactly, people are always giving unsolicited advice! If you weren''t thinking about it, it would be "when will you have kids? don''t wait TOO long! so and so is pregnant!", etc etc.
 
i could just move to the moon with dh...
just a thought lol
 
Oh Smurfy, just lie and say that you don''t want kids. Then watch people respond the opposite way, as in "oh, of course you do," or "you''ll change your mind."
 
one generic answer I like to give to probing personal questions like this is "we''ll see." Kind of kills the line of questioning and insinuates the message "none of your business!".
 
Date: 12/3/2009 10:59:45 AM
Author: janinegirly
one generic answer I like to give to probing personal questions like this is ''we''ll see.'' Kind of kills the line of questioning and insinuates the message ''none of your business!''.

great idea, i think i''ll have to take this route
although monarch, if i say the opposite i''ll get the response i really want lol hmmm
 
yes, I have to agree that it is REALLY irritating that everyone is asking me if we''re going to have kids.

if I say yes, then if I happen to gain a little weight, I am sure everyone will speculate if I''m pregnant. and then they''ll ask me if I am. what if we''re trying really hard or had a miscarriage and things are just not working out for us? I don''t want to talk to them about it.

so my response (even now that I am preggers) is "Not now. We have so many places we still want to travel to together." but then people say, "Not Now means possibly some time in the future." so now I just say "no". boy, is everyone going to be in for a big surprise when I announce it. even our parents think we don''t want kids. DH says everyone is going to think it was an accident because I''ve been so adamant of pretending to be against the idea. but I could care less what people think.

so for now only you PSers know my secret.
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Date: 12/3/2009 11:32:41 AM
Author: noelwr
yes, I have to agree that it is REALLY irritating that everyone is asking me if we're going to have kids.

if I say yes, then if I happen to gain a little weight, I am sure everyone will speculate if I'm pregnant. and then they'll ask me if I am. what if we're trying really hard or had a miscarriage and things are just not working out for us? I don't want to talk to them about it.

so my response (even now that I am preggers) is 'Not now. We have so many places we still want to travel to together.' but then people say, 'Not Now means possibly some time in the future.' so now I just say 'no'. boy, is everyone going to be in for a big surprise when I announce it. even our parents think we don't want kids. DH says everyone is going to think it was an accident because I've been so adamant of pretending to be against the idea. but I could care less what people think.

so for now only you PSers know my secret.
2.gif
Everyone knows that ours was an un-expected because of this. I was adamant about waiting 2 or 3 years and it wasn't a secret.

The minute I posted about mine here, even PS'ers knew that it was un-expected. It was a bit of a shock to everyone that we told. Ohh well. As long as you are excited when you tell people, no one cares!
4.gif


ETA: If anyone said anything we just told people that the baby was "un-expected" not "un-planned". We knew we always wanted to have kids, so it didn't seem appropriate to say that our baby is un-planned. DH even corrected people if they said anything. He took it more personally than I did.
 
Date: 12/3/2009 11:32:41 AM
Author: noelwr
so for now only you PSers know my secret.
2.gif

my lips are sealed!
9.gif
and congrats btw
2.gif
 
How strange that people are saying those comments to you.

Nobody every said stuff like that to us. What bugged the crap out of me was when my kids were screaming and I was struggling, some elderly person would come up to me and say, "enjoy it while you can." lol Yeah, enjoy my 2 year old screaming and refusing to get into his car seat. What a blast.

Congrats Noelwr!!!
 
Date: 12/3/2009 11:24:21 AM
Author: Smurfyimproved

Date: 12/3/2009 10:59:45 AM
Author: janinegirly
one generic answer I like to give to probing personal questions like this is ''we''ll see.'' Kind of kills the line of questioning and insinuates the message ''none of your business!''.

great idea, i think i''ll have to take this route
although monarch, if i say the opposite i''ll get the response i really want lol hmmm
My point exactly. Reverse psychologize them.
 
You seem to be around a lot of invasive people.

DH is extremely private, and I am too, in real life but not here on PS! I think that over time people learn whether comments like this will be acknowledged by certain individuals or not, and they act accordingly. I like the advice to give a short, unrevealing response such as "We'll see." I think we teach people how to behave around us, and the more tight-lipped you are, the less people will pry.

At least, that's been my own experience. I still run into the occassional nosey Nellie, but it's rare because people who know me know that they won't get much response to invasive questions or provocative statements.
 
I NEVER discussed whether we want children or not to anyone that I couldn''t trust. This boiled down to my parents, my brother, and two of my friends.

For other people who asked whether we wanted kids I''d respond that we did. If they got nosy with the "when, why" questions I just told them that I don''t exactly discuss my bedroom activities with others. It usually shut people up cold. I''m all for innocent questions like "Do you want kids?" but when it turns into more, it''s just prying and I pull the 1950''s June Cleaver look of horror that they''d even ask such a personal questions. I always pulled the old-fashioned southern dame route and it made people so uncomfortable.

So my advice? Don''t mention children unless they are bought up.

Get used to people''s unsolicited advice though. It starts when you have a serious boyfriend (when are you getting married?) and goes all the way through the rest of your life. Gotta love it.
20.gif
 
Date: 12/3/2009 2:12:22 PM
Author: cellososweet
Get used to people''s unsolicited advice though. It starts when you have a serious boyfriend (when are you getting married?) and goes all the way through the rest of your life. Gotta love it.
20.gif

Great I can see it now when I''m like 93 years old...

"So smurfy have you decided what type of casket you''re going to get? Or are you getting cremated? What are your funeral colors, what flowers are you getting? Can I be a Pallbearer? Well it''s just you were going to be one at my funeral if I went first, I just assumed that I would be in your funeral if you died first..."

20.gif
This is why my father has specifically put in writing that he wants to be cremated and put into a bunch of fireworks to be shot off the next 4th of july after he passes on lol
 
Wanting to have children (for those that WANT to expand their family) is the next natural step. So huge congrats on your marriage, and your decision to expand - WHENEVER that may be!!!

I think those that voice their concerns, are only voicing their own little regrets. It is annoying, yes. But I always find deflection works best, if I have the time, that want to give unsolicited advice.

Oh gosh, there is so much time for that-- you should wait! "Why do you wish you would have waited?" or "were you happy that you waited?"

I just find if I try to understand where they may be coming from, I become a lot more tolerent of their behavior... even if it is annoying. I too, REALLY REALLY REALLY, CANNOT EVEN DESCRIBE HOW FREAKING BADLY, want to expand our family. I cannot really voice a lot of my concerns, but my husband and I have had many discussions about this, and we want to move closer to family- but that would involve a job change - and I don''t want to be pregant w/o or only with cobra coverage... so many factors... but we''re on prenatals... so i''m all up to speed when we decide to start to "try"... which won''t be until after the marathon in january... which I must admit to being curious how much I will get affected by morning sickness, and how that will affect my morning runs etc... because I don''t know if I''m alone, but prenatal vitamins suck. I mean - I constantly have the URGE on my runs, and I''m so much more than what I''d consider a normal regular... sorry to be gross.. but that was a wakeup call, and an UNPLEASANT side effect.

I haven''t told ANYONE I''m on prenatals. (well cept you ladies!) So no one really knows HOW ready we are. I talked to a coworker once about how I wanted to expand our family. This was a few months after we wed. She gave me the whole schpeil of you should wait - why do you want to do that now! OMG...blah blah blah. Well my husband and I have been together for 5 years. And I''m no spring chicken.. but we''re both ready. We didn''t rush to the alter, and we both want kids. Why feel the need to justify? Well turns out, she WANTs kids, her HUSBAND doesn''t, and her telling me to wait- actually was most likely out of jealousy, that he and I are BOTH ready, when her husband of 8 years still isn''t.

Turns out everyone''s got their motives... so I personally just don''t talk about it with people... even though I''m excited.. I feel like talking about it - makes it somehow seem "okay" for others to offer their unsolicited advice.

Anywho - sorry that people were fun-suckers.
 
Date: 12/3/2009 1:39:23 PM
Author: Haven

DH is extremely private, and I am too, in real life but not here on PS! I think that over time people learn whether comments like this will be acknowledged by certain individuals or not, and they act accordingly. I like the advice to give a short, unrevealing response such as ''We''ll see.'' I think we teach people how to behave around us, and the more tight-lipped you are, the less people will pry.

At least, that''s been my own experience. I still run into the occassional nosey Nellie, but it''s rare because people who know me know that they won''t get much response to invasive questions or provocative statements.
My experience has been the same. When people asked we deflected with "We''ll see" or "Maybe" and that was the end of the discussion. Only one person, my sister, knew our plans for having kids. Lots of people (friends, family, coworkers) were suprised when news of my pregnancy began to spread, which was fine with me, our choice to have a child was all about us, not what others thought or felt.

I think people offer advice thinking they''re being helpful (and honestly it doesn''t sound like bad advice), but if you don''t want to hear it don''t give an opening for discussion.
 
It''s so ridiculous, isn''t it? Yet, once you''re married more than a year, then those same people are usually badgering you about when are you going to start having kids ...
emsad.gif
 
Smurfy I feel your pain, it happens to me all the time

"You''re so young" "Travel more" "Don''t you want to spend more time alone" or "you just got married"

OR

"When is it YOUR turn?" "Are you going to have kids soon?"

It gets aggravating! I do want kids soon but I want to get tenured in my job so I can take leave and still come back to it, but no one needs to know that! So I try to be vague and agree with the person or say, "well we want kids but I have to get my Master''s first" That usually shuts them up. Thankfully, I can moan about it to my one friend at work who knows all my secrets and that makes me feel better
 
I too, like tlh am on prenatals and aside from a trip to the dentist and one vaccination that my "pre-conception" visit told me I needed, we''re all good to go. Well..... that and I am adament about loosing some of my extra weight first, so who really knows when we''ll start trying! But other than DH, no one knows how ready we are, and even the people we''ve confided in that we plan to add onto our family soon, well some of them think we will still put it off for several more years!

Like others have mentioned before, I''ve found that people are never happy with what you tell them. You simply can''t win when it comes to those kind of questions, whether it''s about marriage, babies or whatever other personal things people decide to ask you about.

The only person that I actually got to stop asking me about when we''re having kids is my SIL, because the last time she asked I responded rather unkindly somewhere along the lines of... don''t make me slap you.... yeah... not nice, I know, but she was the worst offender and I was NOT in the mood for it - the response just slipped out, and I felt a little bad, cause she seemed kinda hurt at first, but hey, it worked!! Now anytime kids are brought up, I can tell shes itching to say something but somehow manages to keep it in, because I think she realized just how much it was bothering me after my slipped comment.
 
Date: 12/3/2009 3:47:02 PM
Author: Smurfyimproved

Great I can see it now when I'm like 93 years old...

'So smurfy have you decided what type of casket you're going to get? Or are you getting cremated? What are your funeral colors, what flowers are you getting? Can I be a Pallbearer? Well it's just you were going to be one at my funeral if I went first, I just assumed that I would be in your funeral if you died first...'
you're so funny, Mrs. Smurfy! when you have kids (which is no one else's business but your husband and your own), I hope they inherit your sense of humor.


tlh - have you considered changing to another brand of prenatal vitamin?
what I did was take my regular vitamins and a separate folic acid pill. once I became preggers, I then moved onto a full prenatal. luckily I can't complain that they make me feel any different, but maybe that's because I'm used to taking those huge Centrum pills, and these are actually smaller.
 
Date: 12/4/2009 9:52:54 AM
Author: noelwr
Date: 12/3/2009 3:47:02 PM

Author: Smurfyimproved


Great I can see it now when I''m like 93 years old...


''So smurfy have you decided what type of casket you''re going to get? Or are you getting cremated? What are your funeral colors, what flowers are you getting? Can I be a Pallbearer? Well it''s just you were going to be one at my funeral if I went first, I just assumed that I would be in your funeral if you died first...''

you''re so funny, Mrs. Smurfy! when you have kids (which is no one else''s business but your husband and your own), I hope they inherit your sense of humor.

Lol tell that to Mr. Smurfy, I think that is his worst fear!!! hhahaha I keep leaving him ridiculous little notes in his lunches I pack for him with little drawings on them, but I think he has started looking forward to reading them now haha
 
Date: 12/4/2009 10:20:29 AM
Author: Smurfyimproved


Lol tell that to Mr. Smurfy, I think that is his worst fear!!! hhahaha I keep leaving him ridiculous little notes in his lunches I pack for him with little drawings on them, but I think he has started looking forward to reading them now haha
OMG, that''s doubly sweet! first in that you make him a packed lunch and second that you leave him notes WITH drawings.
 
lol well it takes him forever to get out the door, if he had to pack his lunch we''d never make it to work, so really i''m just doing myself a favor :) i usually make the coffee too lol
 
I can understand your frustration...breaking the news about wanting a baby should be met with joy and happiness...it can be really hard to hear the exact opposite.

But, if this advice is coming friends and family...then there may actually be some weight to what they are saying. Without KNOWING you, I know that you posted on here about having a struggle with finding a job...struggle with affording various expenses...I know that you live with a roommate...I guess, from the outside looking in there are some reasons why not having a baby RIGHT NOW may benefit you both in the long run. Having a baby is everything they warn you about and more. I am not a Mom, and but as a friend to those who are parents, I know that it isn''t easy--no matter how many pluses you have in your column.

In the end, you should do what is right for you both as a couple...but having a baby is a really big deal...and if you''re getting realistic advice, solicited or otherwise, from people who have been there and raised families and know the ins and outs of parenthood, maybe you should consider what they are saying. Not in a negative way, but as something to mull over before plowing ahead.
 
Date: 12/4/2009 2:04:36 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I can understand your frustration...breaking the news about wanting a baby should be met with joy and happiness...it can be really hard to hear the exact opposite.


But, if this advice is coming friends and family...then there may actually be some weight to what they are saying. Without KNOWING you, I know that you posted on here about having a struggle with finding a job...struggle with affording various expenses...I know that you live with a roommate...I guess, from the outside looking in there are some reasons why not having a baby RIGHT NOW may benefit you both in the long run. Having a baby is everything they warn you about and more. I am not a Mom, and but as a friend to those who are parents, I know that it isn''t easy--no matter how many pluses you have in your column.


In the end, you should do what is right for you both as a couple...but having a baby is a really big deal...and if you''re getting realistic advice, solicited or otherwise, from people who have been there and raised families and know the ins and outs of parenthood, maybe you should consider what they are saying. Not in a negative way, but as something to mull over before plowing ahead.

Very well said Italia. I ditto your post.
 
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