Slightly annoyed...

[Italiahaircolor]

Okay, this might sound completely trivial, and stupid...but the more I think it over, the more and more bothered I become...

My father in law called my husband the other day to generally discuss our holiday plans, and fill us in on some of the details we need to know about. During the conversation, my FIL mentioned the gift they''d be giving "Grandma" this year...a new TV.

Basically, the idea was that all of Grandma''s children (7 in total including husbands and wives) would each pitch in a set amount and together they would all give her the new television.

It''s no secret that my brother in law married a signifgantly older woman, and ergo, they as couple have been treated more like a "equal" by my in laws, as opposed to how my husband and I are treated. So during the conversation with my husband, my FIL mentioned that my BIL/SIL have requested "in" on the television gift and would like to contribute $$ towards it, and have their name put on the card as well.

My FIL went on to explain that he wasn''t sure about the idea, not because he didn''t want my BIL/SIL to contribute, but feared that other grandchildren would want their names on the card without contributing money towards the gift. He was wondering what my husbands take was on it....and if they could let my BIL/SIL in on the gift, but not mention that to anyone else....My FIL main concern is that Aunt J and Uncle P do not let their children put their names on the card without pitching in equal money...and he doesn''t want them to think they put BIL/SIL name of the card "just because"....Basically, it boils down to the dollars and cents of the matter

My husband was very put off by this--or, at least that is what he shared with me. We bought his Grandma a very nice Notre Dame throw blanket, but would have happily chipped in for the TV had the offer been extended to us. However, I feel like if you''re not going to offer it out to everyone (and accept the consequences of doing so...some people contributing $5.00 and others $150.00...and everyone getting equal mention) then no one other than Grandma''s direct children should be able to contribute their flat rate, even if my SIL is almost the same age as her children.

I''m just so darn sick of this. It goes so far beyond this stupid Christmas gift...its the 4th of July trip we were excluded from...and the girls/guys weekends we''re not invited too...and the meddling in our business, and making judgments on our "means"....

So, basically, what do you think my advice to my husband should be? Should he tell his father he thinks its unfair, and favoritism? Or, do we just "eat it"?

 

[Courtneylub]

Wow...it''s funny that you have this dilemma because it''s exactly what we did.

It was my DH''s idea to purchase a new TV for my grandparents. Their kids (ie: my father and his siblings) loved that we had already come up with the idea and were happy to just throw money in towards it. All we did was shop for and buy the TV and split it up 5 ways. I joked around and said the TV was from all the children...plus me. My other cousins didn''t seemed bothered by this at all and actually I''m sure would prefer not to spend that amount of money. My husband is older, but I don''t think that is why we could afford to chip in. He is just the one who pointed out their old TV and came up with getting them a new one. If someone else came up with it and asked me to chip in, I would''ve regardless. If I wasn''t asked, yet one of my cousins offered to chip in, I don''t think my feelings would be hurt. Especially if I''d already purchased a separate gift.

I guess the difference between my situation and yours is that it was your FIL and siblings idea, your FIL/SIL heard about it and wanted in. I wouldn''t think that everyone else would need to invited to chip in as well.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Date: 12/11/2008 12:06:21 PM
Author:Italiahaircolor

So, basically, what do you think my advice to my husband should be? Should he tell his father he thinks its unfair, and favoritism? Or, do we just ''eat it''?

Eh, from your other posts it sounds like there''s already enough drama in this family and that you don''t have to inject yourself into this drama too. There might be a certain wisdom in just giving the blanket which you thought was a good idea before, sidestep this drama, and spend the time you would have spent debating and talking about this ''Grandmother''s TV'' issue giving each other shoulder massages by the fire while listening to Nat King Cole Christmas songs instead.

f-d-l

 

[Sabine]

It sounds to me like they treat your BIL and SIL differently than the rest of the grandkids, and probably will continue to do so. Maybe you should just accept that BIL and SIL get treated more like siblings, and the rest of you more like children and let it go. It''s not fair, but sometimes it''s easier (and more fun) to accept things that aren''t fair instead of worrying about them.

 

[neatfreak]

Weird...I just don''t understand these kind of games families play with each other sometimes! I probably would just brush it off...it sounds like it isn''t the first time and it isn''t the last time, so not worth your time to worry about it! I am sure Grandma will love her blanket!!

 

[somethingshiny]

Wow, I must be living on another planet! In my family, gifts that are "good ones" get everyone''s name put on it, generally without their knowledge. For example, this year one of my sisters and I got my dad a coffee table (long story, but he''ll love it). We automatically put all the other siblings names on the card. But, we''re not really concerned with dollars and cents and credit where credit is due. We''re just glad the recipient gets a great gift and we want everyone to be part of it.

Enough about me....I think this is one of those things that will kill your Holiday spirit if you let it. The blanket was the heartfelt gift and I''d go with that. Just think, when granny is watching her TV, she''s going to fall asleep under your blanket.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Hmmm...I feel like this probably seems like a bigger deal in the context that you are experiencing it. As an isolated incident, I don''t think it would be that big of a deal, but it sounds like there is an ongoing problem. Given that that is the case, I don''t think you should choose this issue to make a big deal about, because it carries too much of a risk of you guys coming away looking like the "bad" guys (i.e. because you don''t want to be seen as interfering with this nice gift for grandma).

It sounds like you do have a legitimate larger grievance, however, as with all family issues, only you and your DH know if its worth saying something. If you decide it is, then I''d do it separately from this incident - I''d use all the examples you used here, but make it a rational, separate discussion so its about a pattern of behavior that represents a larger issue, and its clear that you guys are approaching it as adults, rather than getting upset about an isolated incident.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thank you everyone for your advice...I am going to let sleeping dogs lie and not mention it again...I genuinely do appreciate you all taking your time to help!

 

[missjaxon]

Date: 12/11/2008 9:46:41 PM
Author: somethingshiny
Wow, I must be living on another planet! In my family, gifts that are ''good ones'' get everyone''s name put on it, generally without their knowledge. For example, this year one of my sisters and I got my dad a coffee table (long story, but he''ll love it). We automatically put all the other siblings names on the card. But, we''re not really concerned with dollars and cents and credit where credit is due. We''re just glad the recipient gets a great gift and we want everyone to be part of it.


Enough about me....I think this is one of those things that will kill your Holiday spirit if you let it. The blanket was the heartfelt gift and I''d go with that. Just think, when granny is watching her TV, she''s going to fall asleep under your blanket.

I agree, it will only effect you in the end if you let it bother you.It doesn''t sound like things will change anytime soon and with situations like these sometimes it is just better to accept it and still have a great relationship with the family as grandchildren (which can be REALLY important too ). I think you should enjoy the holiday with your family and I am sure Grandma will love curling up under her new blanket, I know I would!