Slight Vent: FMIL''s lack of participation

[janinegirly]

My wedding is 7 mos away, so it''s not around the corner, but not alot of time to delay either.
I''m trying to make sure I''ve at least put some thought into everything that needs to get done..and therefore started thinking about rehearsal dinner since the wedding is in a small town, and there will be a lot of OOT''ers, including the bridal party.
My FMIL however has not reached out. AT ALL. I know she''s happy, supportive, but is extremely hands off. She''s indicated she doesn''t want to invite any extended family, so my FI''s guestlist is kind of small. But I''m ok with that..I figure whoever they want/don''t want.. is fine. Its not about numbers.
But now I''m wondering if this is apathy on FMIL''s part of her just giving me space. I appreciate the space but not one call, or reaching out..even through my FI. He''s in his late 30''s, maybe she thinks he''s too old..no idea..

anyway, just wanted to vent .. a little..

 

[sumbride]

hmmm... I understand, but be careful what you wish for. See my thread on our rehearsal dinner for examples.

Do you think maybe she wants you to take the lead on it? Maybe throw some ideas at her to get started on? It could be she doesn''t want to step on your toes and is waiting for you to contact her about it. There''s nothing like a wedding to bring out all the different expectations we have for each other.

 

[tanyak]

Just curious. Is she paying for the RD? In my case, we paid for about 90% of the wedding expenses, so we picked our own RD venue - I wasn't expecting any help. But we were beyond suprised when his family picked up the tab at the end of the night.

Since we didn't go the traditional route, I'm not sure what your FMIL is supposed to do here. Is she supposed to find the place and make all the arrangements? I clearly have no clue.

 

[cara]

My FMIL was unaware of the traditional rehearsal dinner responsibility until she picked up the ridiculous wedding etiquette book on my coffee table. And I thought the book was useless! And she is a woman I would have expected to know these things. My own mother is completely clueless about how one goes about planning these things, so... It could be that your FMIL doesn''t know what is expected of her or how to go about planning it of that one should arrange it NOW and not the week before the wedding.

So either you or your FI should contact her and ask her if she is interested in planning it or contributing funds if she doesn''t want to plan. But if she''s not thrilled, or has already contributed to the wedding and didn''t realize about the RD issue, I would NOT PRESS her to take it over. Its just not worth it, especially if she would have to plan it OOT. But you probably do want to reach out and bring this issue up or else you risk sumbride''s situation in which she planned the RD on her own (after no obvious moves made by FMIL) and then her FMIL got all offended after the fact...

 

[aljdewey]

It could be that she doesn''t want to overstep her bounds and is waiting for you to initiate the discussion. After all, it''s *your* wedding.

Hard to know if she''s trying to be respectful or if it''s something else. In your position, I''d reach out to her and open the door to talking about it and tell her that you''d like her to be involved (if you do), or that you want to hear about any elements that may be important to her (again, only if you do.)

 

[Anastasia]

My mil, who acts as if she knows all about etiquette, was beyond clueless when it came to weddings. I honestly think she probably only went to two or three weddings after she got married.

She too was very hands off when it came to the wedding. Honestly, that was the way I preferred it. I would guess that your FMIL a) doesn''t have a clue, or b) is trying not to step in and is allowing you to plan your day.

If I were you, I would find out her intentions regarding the rehearsal dinner, and then work around it. If she is not willing to host it, then just make your own arrangements. Some people just really don''t know what is expected of them.

 

[bee*]

Maybe she doesnt want to feel like she is sticking her nose in. Why not give her a call and see would she like to go see a venue with you or something like that. She might be dying to give her ideas but she might feel that they arent welcome

 

[FireGoddess]

Maybe she doesn''t want to step on your toes? If you want her to participate, inviting her to do some things with you or trying to get her involved may make her feel more included. It''s hard to guess how she''s feeling, with us not knowing her!

 

[sarie_j]

I know EXACTLY what you''re going through -- My FMIL has given no suggestions, made no requests, and generally done nothing except provide addresses, I even asked her if there was anything she would like to have in the ceremony or reception, colors, etc, and got absolutely no response except ''How sweet of you to ask - You are very thoughtful'' and then nothing... No offers for the RD either so DF and I are going ahead on our own and just adding it into wedding expenses -- Maybe she''ll offer something, but mine is May 5 so I''m just not expecting anything at this point. We get along well so I don''t know why the apathy on her part.

As much as I think I''d be in hell if she was the nosy busybody type, it kind of hurts my feelings that she doesn''t care at all --

 

[tangoecho]

Sometimes FMILs stay out of the way because they don''t think it''s their place to interfere. They figure the bride will let them know what is expected and they will then step up. Or they don''t want to feel like they are competing with the brides mother. I liken it to relationships between hubands and wives. You can''t stay quiet and expect the other person to know or read your mind. So I would ask. The least she could do is express disinterest and if so, you can go ahead and do what you want.

Other possible reasons - maybe there is an underlying hostility. If so, then it''s good to do your own thing. Maybe she is having financial difficulities or worries how she could maybe afford a dinner for a group of people and she doesn''t want to be in the very difficult place of having to tell you no or steer you a different direction. Maybe she understands that expectations at weddings are heightened and she is afraid her offer would in the end be too little in excitement or disapointing to you and your son and she doesn''t want to be in the position to assume that responsibility if something goes wrong. Lastly, maybe she never had a RD herself and doesn''t understand what they are and what she needs to do. A little nudge could be all it takes.

I would try very hard not to take it too personally if you FMIL doesn''t become involved much or at all. If she was outright hostile that is one thing. But if she is pleasant and disinterested acting, just move ahead and do what you want. Who knows, maybe your wedding gift will be spectacular! Look upon it as hopefully an indicator of how your married life will go. Better to have a MIL who isn''t in your business nonstop. There is a lot of quiet comfort in knowing you & your husbands business is your own and there won''t be unneccessary meddling or input from your MIL.

Good luck!