Sister Drama - self -appointed MOH - other ideas?

[Mrs.SE]

My sister and I have a love/hate relationship. In fact we weren''t on speaking terms since she "de-friended" me on Facebook and told me she''d see me at family holidays & birthdays...until I sent her a courtesy email that Terry had proposed. All of a sudden she starts sending me emails/texts where she''s so excited she gets to be the MOH and can''t wait to start wedding talk...

Here''s a little background information - this is my 2nd marriage. My sister was my MOH for my 1st - it caused so much stress and strife through the entire ordeal from the bridal shower planning to 2 weeks before the wedding she threatened to not even be in the wedding. I DO NOT want to have to go through any of this again. She has self apointed herself my MOH without being asked and I simply replied with a "I''m not talking wedding stuff yet."

We''ve been engaged 2 weeks. We have set the date & locked the venue.

My FI and I will be paying for this completely. When I thought about how I''d like to plan this, I think about who are my 2 closest friends who have always been there for me no matter what. That would be my best friend who is a guy and is also gay. This alone has caused problems over the years in my family coming from a religious background. The 2nd person would be my best gal pal who hasn''t been married - lives w/ her boyfriend and has 4 kids out of wedlock. Double shocker for my Baptist upbringing that I would want to choose these 2 to stand next to me.

My mom agrees with me about not having my sister as MOH as she remembers being in the middle of all the arguing...however when I asked my mom for advice on the best way to handle telling my sister she isn''t the MOH, my mom asked who I''m going to have, I told her my gay guy & gal pal - my mom completely shut down...as if thinking my sister will be a better choice.

I''m upset that I''m allowing my mom & sister''s views affect MY wedding. I don''t want drama w/ this one! I want it to be happy & joyful and not remember all the fighting & arguing leading up to it w/ my overbearing older sister. I would love to have my neice as my flower girl, but after my sister learns she won''t be the MOH and I''m choosing a "gay guy" and a "loser girlfriend" to stand with me instead of her, I''m sure she will deny my neice to be a part of it, or maybe not. I''d like to soften the blow by seeing if there is another duty I can give my sister in the ceremony and have my niece as the flower girl. I thought about the poem reading, but really it would come off as fake and careless from my sister. I also am not sure we will have candles - and my sister would probably take offense to being a "candlelighter" if we do have them.

Any thoughts, ideas as to how to approach this? I''m thinking email would be best since she hasn''t made any effort besides email/text to contact me even when she kept telling me to come over to her house, I offered that she is more than welcome to stop by mine as well anytime, she declined. She was the one who de-friended me and said she was "done with me" about 3 months ago. There has been no apology from her nor will there ever be, I know, this is a cycle we go through or rather she does w/ her friends & family regularly.

Please help...

 

[missy]

Hi MrsSE,
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. This should be a happy time for you so to have this to go through is just not right. Your sister sounds very passive aggressive and after reading all you went through with her I certainly agree and would not have her be MOH. You should have the people who mean the most to you for those duties and that sounds like your guy and gal friend for sure.

I also agree that perhaps having her perform some other duty in the wedding would appease her (though from the sounds of it she likes drama so not sure anything would please her) and I would definitely have ask your niece to be flower girl. That would be lovely and you would think make your sister happy as well. I guess a reading would be something you could ask your sister to do...maybe not a poem since you don't think it would sound sincere from her but how about a funny and sweet anecdote that would be appropriate to your ceremony? Or does she play the piano and she could play the song you are marching down the aisle to?

I most definitely would not email her as that is passive aggressive and person to person is best for these things IMO. As much as I hate to say it perhaps a visit to her home to discuss things would be best.

Sorry, not much help but I am sending tons of good luck vibes your way!!

Congrats on your engagement and best wishes for a lovely and drama free wedding!!

 

[beltane]

I think I would simply say that you want a "fresh start" for your wedding... that it wouldn''t feel right to have the same MOH from a first marriage that didn''t work out... I don''t know, can you play the "bad luck" card? I had this exact thing happen with my best friend who was the MOH at my first wedding. She''s still my best friend, but I want a fresh start this time, so she isn''t this time. My only repeat this time is that my father is escorting me down the aisle, but there will be no "who gives this woman?"

Are you open to possibly having her as a bridesmaid? That might help ease the not-the-MOH situation a bit.

As for your family not being thrilled about your choice for MOH (maid of honour, or man-of-honour) IT''S YOUR WEDDING. They need to be happy that you are happy. Personally, I would tell them "You don''t like that my MOH is gay? Then I guess for YOUR next wedding YOU shouldn''t choose anyone who is gay."

You need to not feel the need to apologize to anyone for your wedding... the only opinions that matter are yours and your fiance''s. It''s your day.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

This is tough. I agree giving her a job would be a good start. If I were you, I would lock in the other 2. Then tell your sister you already asked them before you spoke to her and cannot take it back. That puts it out of the realm of arguing. This is going to be painful and lead to an argument, there is nothing you can do except remember that no matter what, there will be fights and it is better to do it now and get the wedding you want

As for a gay best friend, that is what I did. I never regreted it for a second, even though ILs were uncomfortable with it. My Man of honor made everything better. My MIL was an insane woman who hated me, Sam fixed it. Love and I had a tiff the night before the wedding, Sam took me to a gay strip joint with my male cousin, brother, other BMs and then out dancing.

I am sorry, fighting with family during the wedding process is afwul and I wish you the best.

 

[wyndham]

Hi Mrs.SE,

Are you sure that you even want a traditional wedding party?

I''ve been to a couple of ''second weddings'' before, and in most instances the couple chose to forgo a wedding party. I''m not saying you shouldn''t have one if you really want one...but not having a wedding party would be an easy way to avoid this drama with your sister!

If you do decide to have a wedding party, I definitely wouldn''t have your sister act as your MOH. I would have your two other friends act as witnesses / attendants, and I would give your sister a job where she can''t cause drama by not doing it well -- a greeter, a reader, guest book attendant, etc. But I definitely wouldn''t make the same mistake with your sister twice!

Good luck to you!

 

[Mrs.SE]

Date: 4/4/2010 4:49:58 PM
Author: wyndham
Hi Mrs.SE,

Are you sure that you even want a traditional wedding party?

I''ve been to a couple of ''second weddings'' before, and in most instances the couple chose to forgo a wedding party. I''m not saying you shouldn''t have one if you really want one...but not having a wedding party would be an easy way to avoid this drama with your sister!

If you do decide to have a wedding party, I definitely wouldn''t have your sister act as your MOH. I would have your two other friends act as witnesses / attendants, and I would give your sister a job where she can''t cause drama by not doing it well -- a greeter, a reader, guest book attendant, etc. But I definitely wouldn''t make the same mistake with your sister twice!

Good luck to you!

Interesting Wyndham, I didn''t really think of this. The reason I wanted a wedding party was because I only had my sister as my MOH at my 1st wedding which was really an elopement w/ friends & family present, but you know this would make it pretty easy...just the two of us.

We wouldn''t have to worry about BM dresses & Tux Rentals, getting WP pics, etc etc. Something to think about! And I could still have my Man of Honor do special things like go light all the candles and such before the ceremony and be in charge of throwing me a party. And then have my gal pal do a special reading or something. Thanks!

 

[Haven]

I would totally forgo the traditional bridal party and make my life easier if I were you.

I love my sisters and my closest girlfriends, but it would have been much easier to just *not* have a wedding party. I think you could easily get away with it a) because it''s your wedding and you can do whatever you please, anyway, and b) it''s a second wedding, so it''s probably more typical to not have a bridal party.

 

[Winks_Elf]

There really is a simple solution. If she brings it up again, you simply tell her "Sorry sis, but we''ve already chosen our witnesses. So, how''s so-and-so doing?" If she pushes the issue, you tell her "I was trying to let you save face, but honestly, you caused such drama the first time I got married, that I thought it would be best if I just had my best friend."

 

[PumpkinPie]

I agree with Wyndham and the others that having a bridal party may not be necessary - but if you want one, have your sister be a part of the wedding in another (less drama potential) way

 

[monarch64]

Mrs.SE:

You''ve been through a lot to find such happiness with Terry; I''ve followed your story since you began posting. So, I would consider Haven''s and Wink''sElf''s advice and consider just doing what you and Terry want to do without including your sister or other members of your family or friends who are not 100% cool or supportive. Life is just too short to deal with any b.s. Do what YOU want to do and don''t worry about anyone else''s opinion at this point.

 

[wyndham]

I ditto what everyone else is saying about finding a solution that works for you...whatever that looks like, I''d be sure to get *exactly* what you want for YOUR wedding!

I also have to ditto Haven -- I had six attendants at my wedding, and I truly think it would have been easier to just forgo the wedding party altogether! You can still have your best friends help you get ready and do other important things (sign the marriage license, light candles, throw parties, do readings, etc.) -- you just don''t have to give them the formal title of ''wedding party''. Honestly, everyone will probably thank you for not making them wear matching dresses / suits!

Good luck with whatever you decide to do -- I hope you find a solution that feels authentic for you and your fiance!

 

[jmtomaui]

I have to agree with the others in thinking / planning outside of the box. I was an older (45) first time bride w/ 3 sisters. We had all done the traditional weddings for them w/ each of us as attendants. When I got married they were from 43 - 35 in age and probably past that time in their lives as they all had kids of various ages. And I wanted my best friend as she had set us up on our blind date and DH wanted his father. But family is so very important to me...

I opted for the best friend / father combo as attendants. I then asked the nephew and niece I am Godmother for to do our readings. Other nieces were the hostesses, nephews were ushers, the babies were in all of the pics as "honorary" and sisters could just enjoy seeing their kids in a different setting. Not at all the usual but we had a small, intimate wedding and the friends invited were just as strong on being individuals as we are and it was great!

I wish you every happiness...

 

[Amanda.Rx]

I, too, think it would be easier if you didn''t have a wedding party at all. That''s the best way to not step on anyone''s toes or create drama.

 

[zoebartlett]

Mrs. SE,

I''d just tell your sister either that:

a) you''ve already chosen your wedding party. You could find something else for her to do, but maybe not, if you weren''t even on speaking terms until you got engaged.

OR

b) you''re not going to have a bridal party at all. Have you already asked your 2 best friends though?

I''m not one for asking people to do things simply because it''s the thing to do and everyone (your family) will expect it. If you and your sister aren''t close, I wouldn''t let her continue to assume that she''ll be your maid of honor.

Sorry you''re going through this!

 

[Mrs.SE]

Thanks everyone for the input!

I''m still on the fence about this, so I''ve decided not to do anything at the moment. On one hand it would be great not to have to worry about tux fittings/rentals, bouquets, extra flowers etc.

But then on the other hand, this is what Terry and I are considering OUR real wedding so we want it just the way we want it - which is drama free and FUN! I''ll keep you updated now that this has turned into a To Have a Wedding Party or NOT now I know Terry would be perfectly fine with not as well as if we did, he''s easy going.

 

[missy]

I am very sorry that you are dealing with this. You should be able to have who you want in your wedding party and not have to humour others. That is just not OK in my book. I totally understand the need for no drama (I hate drama

) but your wedding (whether it is a first, second, third, whatever) should be as you envision it (within reason I mean LOL) and nobody outside of the bride and groom should be able to manipulate it to what they want. IMO

I know it will all work out well for you.
Just follow your heart!

Remember, the people who love and respect you will stand by you no matter what!

 

[FutureMrsMRS]

Sounds like me.

My sister and I are 5 years apart and have never been particularly close. Her only claim is ALWAYS "I''m your only sister". SO WHAT!?

I was going to ask my closest friend to be my MOH, but then I decided to ditch the whole bridal party. This is FI''s 2nd marriage and he was really opting for a destination wedding. I don''t want full on traditional but want some traditional aspects (like my Dad walking me down the aisle).

When I shared that we''d have no bridal party yesterday, my (married, 36 year old) sister started crying. Full on tears. SUPER DRAMA that I''m glad I''m going to skip.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[tyty333]

Date: 4/4/2010 4:49:58 PM
Author: wyndham
Hi Mrs.SE,

Are you sure that you even want a traditional wedding party?

I''ve been to a couple of ''second weddings'' before, and in most instances the couple chose to forgo a wedding party. I''m not saying you shouldn''t have one if you really want one...but not having a wedding party would be an easy way to avoid this drama with your sister!

If you do decide to have a wedding party, I definitely wouldn''t have your sister act as your MOH. I would have your two other friends act as witnesses / attendants, and I would give your sister a job where she can''t cause drama by not doing it well -- a greeter, a reader, guest book attendant, etc. But I definitely wouldn''t make the same mistake with your sister twice!

Good luck to you!

I would go this route (skip the wedding party). It would just make it so much easier. Tell everyone you are a big girl now and you can
standup buy yourself.

 

[RaiKai]

We did not have a wedding party, and I tell you it was awesome (and it was not a second wedding either). I highly recommend it.

DH and really felt it was important for us to stand up there "just us" as we said our vows. It did not fit to have others up there with us. We are also not the type for doing things in a certain way due to traditions (and bridal party traditions have some rather questionable origins anyway!) if it does not fit for us.

As well, for us, we had a very small guest list and they were all equally important to us which is why we invited them. We wanted each guest to enjoy the wedding as a "guest" without designating certain guests as bridal party members. I always personally prefer being a guest rather than part of the bridal party myself.....eek!

I still had my sister, brother, etc and such hang out with me while I was getting my hair done and such, and it was still fun! We did each ask one of our sisters to be our witness to sign the marriage certificate (as we needed 2 witnesses) which they were excited to do, but I can say, they were equally happy with not being part of the bridal party. We also invited each guest to contribute in their own way to the wedding if they wanted (i.e. do a reading, sing a song, dance) and most everyone took us up on it so everyone was involved without "special designations".

And if you DO want a bridal party, and your friend to be your man-of-honour....well it is no one''s business but yours and your fiances (and the MOH as well!). As someone else said, you do NOT need to apologize for your wedding.

 

[beltane]

Date: 4/6/2010 10:09:29 AM
Author: RaiKai
DH and really felt it was important for us to stand up there ''just us'' as we said our vows.

This is the exact reason why my sweetums and I will be standing together on our day without a bridal party.

That said, I would feel badly for you if, in order to avoid bad feelings with your sister, you decide to have no bridal party at all. That''s not fair to you and your fiance and the spirit of your special day.

If you want a bridal party you should HAVE a bridal party... and it should be the people YOU want at your side on your special day. Don''t make this an "all or nothing" thing purely to avoid drama from your sister.

 

[Mrs.SE]

Thank you everyone for being so supportive! I tell you one thing I am sick of is "well it is both your 2nd wedding"!!! UGGGHHHH! AND?? Neither of us had the weddings we wanted the first time around, nor the relationships that are made for lasting marriages. He married at 18 to the first girl who paid him any attention and they lost their virginity to each other, he married her out of Baptist Christian guilt when she pushed it on him, he had low self-esteem, never dated and thought she would be the only one to want him. I became withchild unplanned into a bad 3 year relationship at the age of 24, and out of "shaming the family" from my Baptist Christian upbringing - wed out of guilt as well in an elopement with only family and a few friends. Not the wedding I ever dreamed of. Now I''m 29, he''s 33 - a lot of growing up we''ve done.

We''re going to do this our way, but I''m starting to call everyone out on it who says "well it is your 2nd wedding". Shit happens! Shit that neither of us every wanted, but it did anyway, and now we''re paying for this cash as we go, saving, scrimping, and it''s going to be everything we ever wanted as we should''ve been together 12 years ago when we first met, but there was a reason we didn''t get together back then, maybe we wouldn''t have known how to truely appreciate each other now without having our ex''s taking hits at our dignity and pocketbooks through those years. Sorry for the rant and I''m not meaning it towards anyone on here, I''m talking about people face to face who have the audacity to say "Well, it is your 2nd wedding sooo...." when they ask how the planning is going. I am liking the idea of NO wedding party and so does Terry. Just us, the way it should''ve been all along. And our children will walk down the aisle before I do. Just us and our blended family. And I''ll have my friends in the bridal suite with me beforehand and maybe have one do a reading. My sister can sit and be a guest or not show up at all, it will not be of importance on MY day.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 4/11/2010 4:00:58 PM
Author: Mrs.SE
Thank you everyone for being so supportive! I tell you one thing I am sick of is ''well it is both your 2nd wedding''!!! UGGGHHHH! AND?? Neither of us had the weddings we wanted the first time around, nor the relationships that are made for lasting marriages. He married at 18 to the first girl who paid him any attention and they lost their virginity to each other, he married her out of Baptist Christian guilt when she pushed it on him, he had low self-esteem, never dated and thought she would be the only one to want him. I became withchild unplanned into a bad 3 year relationship at the age of 24, and out of ''shaming the family'' from my Baptist Christian upbringing - wed out of guilt as well in an elopement with only family and a few friends. Not the wedding I ever dreamed of. Now I''m 29, he''s 33 - a lot of growing up we''ve done.


We''re going to do this our way, but I''m starting to call everyone out on it who says ''well it is your 2nd wedding''. Shit happens! Shit that neither of us every wanted, but it did anyway, and now we''re paying for this cash as we go, saving, scrimping, and it''s going to be everything we ever wanted as we should''ve been together 12 years ago when we first met, but there was a reason we didn''t get together back then, maybe we wouldn''t have known how to truely appreciate each other now without having our ex''s taking hits at our dignity and pocketbooks through those years. Sorry for the rant and I''m not meaning it towards anyone on here, I''m talking about people face to face who have the audacity to say ''Well, it is your 2nd wedding sooo....'' when they ask how the planning is going. I am liking the idea of NO wedding party and so does Terry. Just us, the way it should''ve been all along. And our children will walk down the aisle before I do. Just us and our blended family. And I''ll have my friends in the bridal suite with me beforehand and maybe have one do a reading. My sister can sit and be a guest or not show up at all, it will not be of importance on MY day.

Sweetie -- I''m going to start with...

well, it is both of yours'' second wedding. And I''m presuming -- as you said -- that you''ve both matured a lot since rounds 1 and 1.

So there''s no need for you to have to defend your choices, wedding party or otherwise. I assume you''re both mature enough not to make wedding decisions out of spite and not to knowingly trounce someone''s feelings unless there''s no alternative. So go and put together the wedding that''s right for you, and just ignore the guilt trips that your families will probably try to send your way.

 

[sparklyheart]

Date: 4/11/2010 4:00:58 PM
Author: Mrs.SE
Thank you everyone for being so supportive! I tell you one thing I am sick of is ''well it is both your 2nd wedding''!!! UGGGHHHH! AND?? Neither of us had the weddings we wanted the first time around, nor the relationships that are made for lasting marriages. He married at 18 to the first girl who paid him any attention and they lost their virginity to each other, he married her out of Baptist Christian guilt when she pushed it on him, he had low self-esteem, never dated and thought she would be the only one to want him. I became withchild unplanned into a bad 3 year relationship at the age of 24, and out of ''shaming the family'' from my Baptist Christian upbringing - wed out of guilt as well in an elopement with only family and a few friends. Not the wedding I ever dreamed of. Now I''m 29, he''s 33 - a lot of growing up we''ve done.

We''re going to do this our way, but I''m starting to call everyone out on it who says ''well it is your 2nd wedding''. Shit happens! Shit that neither of us every wanted, but it did anyway, and now we''re paying for this cash as we go, saving, scrimping, and it''s going to be everything we ever wanted as we should''ve been together 12 years ago when we first met, but there was a reason we didn''t get together back then, maybe we wouldn''t have known how to truely appreciate each other now without having our ex''s taking hits at our dignity and pocketbooks through those years. Sorry for the rant and I''m not meaning it towards anyone on here, I''m talking about people face to face who have the audacity to say ''Well, it is your 2nd wedding sooo....'' when they ask how the planning is going. I am liking the idea of NO wedding party and so does Terry. Just us, the way it should''ve been all along. And our children will walk down the aisle before I do. Just us and our blended family. And I''ll have my friends in the bridal suite with me beforehand and maybe have one do a reading. My sister can sit and be a guest or not show up at all, it will not be of importance on MY day.

Can you de-bridesmaid her and tell her you will see her at the reception or the next family event? Oh, that might be a tacky way of saying it......

I think you have every right to have your dream wedding the 2nd time around! Sometimes things don''t go as planned, especially when marrying young. It happens.. and you guys deserve to do what you want with the wedding and be happy!! I like the idea of combining your kids for the wedding instead of the bridal party.. I was going to say do the wedding party the way you want.. but since y''all both have kids, I think it''s neat when they are involved in the ceremony..it''s like you are joining more than just each other..so cute!