silly vent

[janinegirly]

so i''ve been a BIW for just over a week and already seeing the good and annoying (there is no bad . In a previous thread, I''d asked about selecting bridesmaids, and mentioned that my FI brother has a gf of 2 years who I am not crazy about. She''s a little catty and likes attention,etc (she is quite a bit younger than the brother and all of us).

Anyway, I''ve since decided that no way am I making her a bridesmaid (with the help of everyone''s feedback) but she just saw my ring yesterday and apparently immediately called the brother to say it was really nice and that''s the kind of ring she would like. The brother then called my FI and told him what she said and asked how he researched the ring. He never once asked how our planning was going or when the date might be (seeing how he''ll be the best man!!). If they get engaged soon, I will be very unhappy. What do you guys think of this..Am I being silly?

 

[CrownJewel]

I think it''s nice that she likes your ring so much!!! It''s the greatest compliment! However, seeing as you don''t particularly LIKE her, I can understand why you wouldn''t want her to plan her wedding at the same time that you are planning. As for the brother/best man...does he know that he is the best man? You got engaged fairly recently, and in my experience, men are not very good at asking "So how''s the wedding planning going?" It''s not a topic they are interested in, so that''s probably why your future Brother-in-Law didn''t ask.

Unfortunately, their engagement is not something you can control. Just focus on your own wedding planning and being happy that you got engaged and you have a ring that the catty girlfriend COVETS!!!

Congrats again!

 

[Molly1024]

By the way, if they do happen to get engaged, you are still not obligated to include her in your bridal party. Even if it happens tomorrow. If you don''t like her, them being engaged doesn''t change that.

 

[kcoursolle]

For now, I think I would just be flattered that she loves your ring. If she ends up getting engaged soon, it will still be okay. Your wedding will still be important to your friends and family.

 

[janinegirly]

yes i know you are all right. i just get the sense that she is trying to make this about her (which is in line with her personality). They have never discussed marriage, but yet when she sees my ring, she immediately makes it clear to the brother that that''s "what she wants." I also am disappointed in the brother for calling my FI right after to tell us his gf had said this and then proceed to ask how to go about finding a ring rather than letting us enjoy our "time" for a little or asking him how things were going,etc.
Ok, vent done

I need to try to block out the negativity!! Thanks girls!

 

[firebirdgold]

don''t kow what to say about the catty girl, but don''t worry about your fbil! It''s just a guy thing, they may get into planning their own weddings, but other peoples? My fi was a groomsman at his sister''s wedding and trying to get wedding planning info out of him was like pulling teeth from an eagle! I think the most interest your fbil will show is in the bachelor party which is his responsibility.

It doesn''t mean he meant any disrespect or anything. it''s just how guys are.

 

[codex57]

Date: 12/12/2006 3:03:50 PM
Author:janinegirly
He never once asked how our planning was going or when the date might be (seeing how he''ll be the best man!!). If they get engaged soon, I will be very unhappy. What do you guys think of this..Am I being silly?

We don''t ask that stuff. If asked for help, we may give it. To gripe about what a pain it is might be ok. Very borderline tho. To voluntarily gush and ask how things are going is a violation of the man rules and would require a revocation of one''s man card.

Now, you being scared that g/f may ask to become your BM and you be hers once they do get engaged is another issue altogether. I can recognize it''s a problem, but I''ll let the ladies answer that as they''re much more qualified to deal with these kinds of issues.

 

[janinegirly]

thanks all. I see everyone''s point now on how guys don''t really ask about wedding planning, so am not taking it personally.
However, i''d be curious to hear how others deal with new family members (and in my case the gf of the brother) with whom there is a difficult relationship with. I really am having a hard time with the gf (we live very close to them so see them frequently) and I frankly don''t enjoy being around her and subjected to having to feed her need for attention, especially since I thought this was meant to be a special time for me. There are numerous family events coming up in which I''ll have to deal with her (and she''s already taking the reins, dictating what/where the family is going) so I''m trying to prepare. She is 15 years younger than the brother, and has quite a bit of maturing to do, and unfortunately I''m not someone who is good at pretending I relate, or want to relate to her! Think a lot of name dropping, designer bag/sunglasses and condescending tone, and that''s sums her up.

Sooo, how do others deal with this? Do you just suck it up and play fake nice since now it''s "family"? Do you avoid the person? Do you seek outside help in dealing with what''s at the core of the strain? I wish she would just disappear, but it looks like she is looking for an engagement soon ever since seeing my ring, which means I could potentially have to deal with her for a lifetime (ugh).
Anyway, I''m open to advice and ways to manage this.

 

[TCBug]

Just be gracious AND aloof at the same time. The best advice my mother ever gave me is that "you marry the family." And it''s true. Make sure you can deal -- even if she''s the "newest" in-law.

When I got married (in 1986), I doubted mom''s advice. After all, DH and I lived 12 hours away from his INSANE family. But, you knolw what? Life is funny. We ended up living within 2 hours of his druggie sister for almost 12 years (now we''re far, far away again).

BUT more importantly, the druggie SIL had a child. We''re her aunt and uncle. We are responsible adults with post-graduate degrees and good careers. SIL is a hard core loser (can you say "I got arrested for manufacturing meth in my house?") The niece is a great kid. Very smart. Not always good choices (imagine that with her loser mom). She''s 14 now.

THINK about what you can do and what you''re willing to do here. If the new girl is simply insipid, DEAL WITH IT. If she''s toxic, think hard about YOU!