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SIL acting passive agressively, again!

zhuzhu

zhuzhu

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 15, 2006
Messages
2,503
So my SIL, who never emails, calls, or shows any interest in me or "us" (DH and I as a team), sent us an email out of blue saying "I am planning to come visit you guys over labor's day weekend, if you are too busy to not be able to take days off work that is fine, i will just stay home and hang out with the cats".

I was like "WTF"?

First of all, DH works from home, so our home IS also a work place. Second of all, she just assumes that we are prepared to host her in our house without even asking how prepared we are. In fact we don't even have a functional guest room because of the floor that we are putting in ourselves. Lastly, she did not even bother to specify what dates, or for how many nights, and as the subsequent email showed, she wants to stay 5 nights and 6 days at our house.

I emailed back politely explained that I have proposal deadlines the same week she wants to come and I don't think that will work. I provided an alternative weekend in September and asked her to come in September instead. She emailed back say "it will be harder to take days off work for me in September" and left at that. I emailed her again and said "I am sorry but that November week really isn't good for me", I even patiently explained that both DH and I work from home so we are not the "usual families" that can accommodate guests easily, and I thank her for her understanding and for working with us on the schedule.

Now she is mad and she never sent a reply email. That was 3 days ago.

I knew the passive agressivity runs in DH's family, but I really hate it, especially when I am getting it from someone who has never been nice to me, and is taking me and my time for granted. I think she prob gets it from MIL.

Thank you for listening to my vent, and I welcome any suggestions from you wise ones!
 
You did the right thing - stick by it and make sure your DH sticks by it also.

You let her go with this one and she will get worse.
It is very rude for her to assume she can visit whenever etc.

I recommend your DH says something to her. e.g. what she did is not appropriate and that he won't tolerate that from her or anyone.
If he doesn't say anything, she is going to blame you. You and DH has to work as a team and tackle this one. :)
 
Personally, I would let it go.
You did nothing wrong in the situation, IMHO.

Maybe your husband can have a serious conversation with her a couple weeks from now. Maybe you guys will get some sort of insight on her thinking and hopefully she will able to understand it from your perspective and respect it.
 
I think you handled it really well! I don't know why people think they can visit for 5 days and just inform you. Ridiculous!
 
Sorry Zhu,
mmmm, could she be coming to town for medical treatment or something, clandestine affair perhaps :naughty:? Did she say why she wanted to come? Doesn't sound like hanging with you was the point.
 
Hi zhuzhu! :wavey:

I have a similar self-absorbed, if not narcissistic, SIL. Bottom line - she is never going to change, so I have to set my boundaries and stick to them. You can't pick your family, but you can certainly limit your exposure.

Is you husband close to her? Does he back you up? It's important that it doesn't start affecting your relationship with him.
 
Ugh what an uncomfortable situation! I can't believe someone would just invite themselves over to stay at your home. I will never have a guest bedroom for this very reason! Good luck!
 
WHY would she want to spend a week with people she doesn't care for?
How far away does she live and when is the last time you have seen her?
I would let the ball lie in her court.
If your hear from her use a little of your own passive aggression
and let her know exactly when you would be able to accommodate her.
 
Thank you for your support! Yes I really hate it when people emotionally blockmail me with passive aggression. I offered a concrete alternative dates for her to consider and she is not even considerate enough to reply how those date look, but raher complaint that she will have harder time taking days off work. I guess DH and my work are not as important as her work as an administrative assistant?

DH is not particularly closed to his family members, this sister of his is prob the only sibling he talks to and can have a conversation with. I know DH cares for her so I really want to be friends with her too. Unfortunately after almost 3 years of marriage she is just like the rest of the family, only showed interest to me ONLY when she wants something from us. I have given her holidy gifts for 3 year in a row and she never prepared one for me, and she barely remembered to say thanks until I asked "how do you like the XYZ I got you"?

I dislike house guests and do not wish to have any, and I have done the best I can to accomodate her, and she still is giving attitude. :roll: The reason for visiting us? not given, but to just that she wants to come see sunny CA. DH's family never visited him out of pleasure in east coast and when we moved to CA, all the sudden we are the ones everyone want to visit, I wonder why?

Guess what? my MIL just called out of blue and asked about SIL. My suspision is that SIL complaints to MIL and she is going to "investigate" the "mistreatment" of her daughtor :o . I am simply lost for words. Poor DH (MIL will only call him at his work phone because then I can not "listen in on the other line") :rolleyes: . Too bad for her that I am home sick today.

DH is too nice to say no and he always sounds just a bit fearful when his mother is on the phone (that's how I know it is she who called). Unfortunately it is not in him to be firm with his family because he does not like to hurt their feelings, and they are VERY good to playing the guilt-trip. Instead of saying "like Zhuzhu said, november is really bad timing for US" he said instead "Zhuzhu has deadlines and it will not work too well" I guess I have a long road ahead of me on this complicated situation... :blackeye:
 
I think you handled it well. I hate this kind of thing, had it in the past too.. Stick to your guns. Hold firm. OY!!!!! Seems like you have had a lot to deal with.. Set those boundaries woman!!! HUGS!!!
 
And hello? Who emails and says I will be there such and such week?? That's so wrong. :rolleyes:
 
argh! Looks like dh needs to practice. Tell him you don't want to offend them so let's practice what to say and how to say it so they can come but on our timeframe. They are catching him off guard and if they've pushed him when he was younger it's hard to break the pattern.
 
You and DH need to put up a united front. Posing it as if you're the one with issues when both of you are not comfortable with this won't help. They'll just go through DH every time they don't get their way with you. And then you seem like the big, bad, evil daughter in law.

I have a passive aggressive MIL. Thankfully, DH is the one to tell her, we're too busy, it's a not a good weekend, etc. These types of people aren't going to back down until they hear it from their own family members.
 
I talked with DH and he agreed that he is not very good at talking on "team terms". He said he would work on it. I am very glad that he recognizes the potential harm if he is not on board with this. I hope the future situations with his family get easier for me, with his help.
 
That's not passive aggressive.
That's rude.
(Another example of PA definition-creep)

Tell her, "No".
Be sure to not give an excuse or a reason, and don't offer another date.
Why do people let people, especially family, treat them like a doormat?

People develop their expectations based on movies, TV, parental-instruction, books, various religions etc.
It will come as a surprise to many that there isn't ONE correct set of expectations that is out there that everyone agrees to and lives by.
There are currently 6,861,956,670 (and growing) sets of expectations on earth right now.
All different.

We all need to tell people our expectations of how we want to be treated.
If they can't respect that [and are so arrogant to think that everyone else shares their set of expectations] then they are not people I want in my life.
 
zhuzhu said:
I talked with DH and he agreed that he is not very good at talking on "team terms". He said he would work on it. I am very glad that he recognizes the potential harm if he is not on board with this. I hope the future situations with his family get easier for me, with his help.
Click to expand...

Glad to hear this postscript! Both him for recognizing what skill he has to develop, and you for communicating with him about something that could potentially build resentment in your union. Good job, zhuzhu! Well done!
 
Your SIL and MIL sound like my FIL and FMIL... hmmm... :shock:
 
I don't think that's being passive agressive, but it isn't very thoughtful. It seems you've issues with your inlaws that involve a lot more then announcing rather than asking to visit. Families are complicated, and it's even more difficult when you've married into a family and aren't accustomed to their norms and mores. Hopefully you and your husband will work together to find an acceptable middle ground regarding his family and their role in your life.
 
Yes, announcing to someone she is going to come stay at their house from X to Y is rude.

When I mentioned she is being passive-aggressive, I was referring to her being mad at my explaining to her that those dates are not good for us and suggested a specific weekend for her. She simply did not reply, like she did with emails before. She sent a request, I replied with a alternative offer, and she refused to reply and complained to MIL in stead.

Then MIL called, which blew my mind. I thought we all graduated from grade schools a long time ago.

I am pretty sure that is a form of passive aggressivity, no?
 
I wouldn't classify it as such, but that's neither here nor there, I shouldn't have made the point in the first place. The important thing is that you and your husband need to find a way to deal with his family as a team, which likely means you'll both have to give, if not a little than a lot.
 
It looks like there's a lot of sideways communication in your husband's family. Your response sounds perfectly appropriate to me, but I'm suspecting it's also not as straight-forward the communications you said you'd like to get from his family. You've told us you really don't like house guests and that don't have room for anybody to stay for any length of time -- have you told her that? I don't mean to be snarky, but I do think the need for clear, honest communication cuts both ways.

zhuzhu said:
I guess DH and my work are not as important as her work as an administrative assistant?
Click to expand...

I have to say that statement rubbed me the wrong way. I'm sure her job is important to her and demanding in its own way, and I'm sure that the work she does is important to the people she works with.
 
VRBeauty said:
It looks like there's a lot of sideways communication in your husband's family. Your response sounds perfectly appropriate to me, but I'm suspecting it's also not as straight-forward the communications you said you'd like to get from his family. You've told us you really don't like house guests and that don't have room for anybody to stay for any length of time -- have you told her that? I don't mean to be snarky, but I do think the need for clear, honest communication cuts both ways.

zhuzhu said:
I guess DH and my work are not as important as her work as an administrative assistant?
Click to expand...

I have to say that statement rubbed me the wrong way. I'm sure her job is important to her and demanding in its own way, and I'm sure that the work she does is important to the people she works with.
Click to expand...


I agree with you that writing out what her job is really is not neccesary and could imply something I didn't mean at all. I am sorry if I offended anyone who took it the wrong way. Admins are indeed very important jobs and should be valued as such.
 
What if you booked her into a nice hotel?
 
MissMina said:
What if you booked her into a nice hotel?
Click to expand...

Eeeks, no! Why must Zhu pay for someone else's vacation?! And a not-so-nice person who doesn't care for her, to boot!

Zhu, you've handled it fantastically. I've dealt with similar people all my life and I am at a point where I don't care much if they are angry or upset. Definitely agree that you and hubby need to act as a joint force, but this is something you'll have to work on together. Coming from such a controlling family is difficult. It can take a while to find yourown voice. Just be patient and work with that wonderful hubby of yours. If SIL can't make it at the time you proposed, then too bad - her loss.

For what it's worth, I do detect a passive-aggressive tone in her. Telling you that it's ok if you're too busy to take time off and she'll just stay home by her poor self and play with the cats is most definitely passive aggressive!!
 
Thanks all!

When she comes, she is expected to stay in our house (by family) because she can't drive. This is why I wish she would be more considerate about the dates and duration of her stay. I work a lot from home. My writing never ends and I need a lot of physical personal space as well as mental personal space to write papers and proposals.

I also found out that instead of replying to me, she replied to DH ALONE instead and asked "what's going on with the communication"? As if my decline of her proposed dates are my communication problems? ??

I am surprised how natural it is for DH's family members to go behind the back to get what they want, and by doing so put DH in the middle of it and feeling trapped. I really do not appreciate these behavior. I wonder if they learned it as a survival skill from a divorced family?
 
zhu- two things. A) would it be ok for you to post why she can't drive? I just feel like she is further imposing herself on people if she can't drive, and should be glad to come when it is convenient for those who will have to take her around.

B) your husband needs to put a stop to the going behind your back to get what she wants. She has now done it with MIL and with DH. That is not ok.
 
dragonfly411 said:
zhu- two things. A) would it be ok for you to post why she can't drive? I just feel like she is further imposing herself on people if she can't drive, and should be glad to come when it is convenient for those who will have to take her around.

B) your husband needs to put a stop to the going behind your back to get what she wants. She has now done it with MIL and with DH. That is not ok.
Click to expand...


Hmm, I am not sure why she does not drive. She lives in a city so she just always used public transportation. When she visits families living in the subburb she had them pick her up from the bus or train stop, but at late night family member has to drive her back to her place in the city, which I often hear about as complaints.

I asked him to copy me on the email when he replied to her. This way it sends a message that the communication should be kept open, as we are husband and wife.
 
zhuzhu said:
I asked him to copy me on the email when he replied to her. This way it sends a message that the communication should be kept open, as we are husband and wife.
Click to expand...
You GO GIRL!! I don't care what you call SIL's behavior, it stinks. Just because she is "family" does not mean you have to put up with her crap and be nice. Bottom line, she does not respect you. You must demand respect.

Forget nice Christmas presents and such - it's not like she appreciates them anyway. Send her something inexpensive, if you must send anything at all. Err on the side of self-protection and restraint. Don't worry what she may "think" - really, who cares? Let HER tiptoe around YOU. I'm sorry to say this but sometimes, it's better to be the bigger a**hole - it's the only way you get respect.

I've dropped down to a convenient, inexpensive box of chocolates for my SIL at Christmas and a CARD for her birthday. I always get something nice for her son (she'd die if I said my nephew) because he's innocent. I ignore her to her face every chance I get. I walk away when she starts talking about herself. I let HER kiss or hug ME when we are forced to greet each other, and don't return the gesture. And you know what? It's hard for me, but I feel WAY better and she is beginning to act more respectfully of me.

Do the bare minimum in order to stay tight with your hubby - make sure he knows any efforts you make (cards, gifts, etc.) - but otherwise, ignore her.
 
I would have no patience for SIL or MIL, I think you handled it well. I also think with DH knowing he needs to work on "team": when he is getting ambushed by his family is good. It's hard when family is involved, but they need to realize YOU are family too and don't deserve to be treated that way! Good luck!
 
Update:

DH replied to SIL, repeated those specific dates I suggested as alternate weekend to her, and told her that we will take her to "xx museum" that weekend". As a result of accommodating her and get her off our back, both DH and I will have to take the Friday and maybe the Monday off to show her around.

She finally replied back with just a few words: "SOLD! I especially like the museum idea". :roll:

1) I am so glad that DH has the ability to convince her to STOP negotiating about the week that is bad for us.
2) I don't think she gets the idea that her behavior had inconvenienced us and was rude.
3) I can't believe she made it sound as if we were bribing her to come visit.
 
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