Wedding Shower gift - how much to spend?

[AceP]

So, my sister-in-law (my husband''s sister) is having a bridal shower and I''m unsure how much I''m "supposed" to spend on a gift. Here''s the context: She''s very very VERY into how much people spend on her, what they buy for her, etc. In fact, she has said unabashedly that she''s going to be angry if anyone gets her a registry gift for the wedding - the registry is "supposed to be" exclusively for the shower, apparently, and she only wants cash for the wedding. My husband and I got married a few months back, and she gave us a $500 check. Very generous, no doubt. We did not have an engagement party, and I did not have a shower. She did have an engagement party, and we spent about $125 on a gift. And we''re planning to match her $500 wedding gift, because we know she''ll be extremely upset if we don''t. So what''s appropriate for the shower? I''m at a total loss here - but it''s all adding up very fast! Thanks for any help!

 

[Haven]

I spend anywhere from $35 to $75 on shower gifts, depending on my affection for the bride. In this case, I think I would be tempted to spend nothing because she doesn''t sound very gracious. Or grateful. I''m sorry you have to deal with her atrocious behavior.

I do think that $30 to $50 is average for shower gifts, in my circle at least.

 

[LegalGal]

I usually spend between $25 and $35 for a shower. The most I have ever spent is $85, but that was for a VERY close friend.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

I agree about $30-75 sounds appropriate.

 

[Rhea]

I''d aim for around $30-$40, but she seems to be a big spender, which I''m not used to. The average present I received for my wedding was probably around $30 and we had no shower or engagement party. I hope that she''s happy and that she''s pleased with whatever you get her, but it sounds as though she''ll be so hard to please that I wouldn''t stress over it too much.

 

[zoebartlett]

I usually spend about $50 on a shower gift. I agree with the others -- I think there''s a range that a lot of people try to stay within. I don''t see why you''d have to match the amount of money she spent on you. That was her choice, but I don''t think you should feel obligated to do the same. Just my opinion though.

 

[lliang_chi]

My sister and I bought a hair & makeup trial for our friends shower. That was about $75 each, so totaled $150.

Not related question, but, Is that an okay gift? I did double check with the salon if they could transfer the credit to other stuff like hair or highlights or facials or something. They said yes. But would anyone be like "Gee... ''thanks''" or think it''s a good gift?

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 6/30/2008 8:57:43 AM
Author: lliang_chi
My sister and I bought a hair & makeup trial for our friends shower. That was about $75 each, so totaled $150.

Not related question, but, Is that an okay gift? I did double check with the salon if they could transfer the credit to other stuff like hair or highlights or facials or something. They said yes. But would anyone be like 'Gee... 'thanks' or think it's a good gift?

I would be thrilled with a gift like that!


For the OP. I hate all the they spent x so I must spend y. So what if she's into the whole how much does everyone spend thing. You don't have to play. Gifts should match your capabilities, not theirs. Your FSIL needs some lessons in how to be gracious - she sounds like a right cow!

What about a nice book on etiquette and social graces?

 

[lliang_chi]

Thanks Pandora! I guess just needed a 3rd party opinion. My friend said she liked it, but I dunno, she''s the really polite types that could''ve just said it to not hurt my feelings.

Anyway, Ace, I agree with everyone else that 1) kinda crappy that FSIL is keepinga tally like that. and 2) you should spend what you''re comfortable with. Maybe you can give her a nice sentimental gift that''s nicely done. Like ask your brother and all their friends if they can share pictures of the couple with you. Maybe you can compile a gorgeous album or guest book album that they can use on their wedding day. Honestly to me that''d mean a lot especially if you took the time to make it.

 

[AceP]

Date: 6/30/2008 10:23:28 AM
Author: lliang_chi
Thanks Pandora! I guess just needed a 3rd party opinion. My friend said she liked it, but I dunno, she''s the really polite types that could''ve just said it to not hurt my feelings.

Anyway, Ace, I agree with everyone else that 1) kinda crappy that FSIL is keepinga tally like that. and 2) you should spend what you''re comfortable with. Maybe you can give her a nice sentimental gift that''s nicely done. Like ask your brother and all their friends if they can share pictures of the couple with you. Maybe you can compile a gorgeous album or guest book album that they can use on their wedding day. Honestly to me that''d mean a lot especially if you took the time to make it.

thanks everyone. yes, the whole situation makes me a little bit ill. the worst part about it is that she''s so convinced that her rules are "right." i felt odd getting a cash gift from her for our wedding, and i certainly didn''t want to turn around and write a return check six months later. i mean, what''s the point of that? we could both just do nothing and call it a wash! given that, my DH and I had already bought the nicest thing on their registry and were saving it to give to them at the wedding. But... then she and my DH got in this huge argument (i wasn''t there) about how it''s "wrong" to give anything other than cash, and if you''re not going to at least cover the cost of your plate, don''t bother coming. (really.) So now we''re stuck. We don''t want to give her a material gift because she''ll be unhappy and we know that, but writing a check feels like it''s just capitulating to some artificial set of rules that frankly, i have no interest in playing by, as pandora said. but this is my husband''s sister, and we don''t want her to be upset, either. so what to do?? we returned the registry gift to the store this weekend, and i was muttering profanities under my breath the whole time.

i have to be careful of overstepping here - this is just not how my family operates. my sister hasn''t gotten us a wedding gift yet - she wants to get us a certain kind of hand-crafted candlesticks and she''s waiting until she''s in a certain country this fall where she can get them. i think that''s lovely - it''s not about the cost, it''s that she''s putting lots of thought into it, and every time we use them they''ll remind us of her. so this trading checks thing hurts me. anyway, stepping down from the high horse now. sorry!

 

[Rhea]

You aren''t stuck. You don''t have to play the game. I know it''s hard not to, but your money your decision. Yes, she might be peeved but what can she realistically do about it? It doesn''t sound as though you''re friends with her so it''s no big loss to you if she acts like a baby about it, right? As far as family, she can''t really ignore her brother for too long because of a slight like this. I imagine worse case she ignores you for a couple of months and if family finds out why she is then she looks like a witch.

If you play the game you''ll always be playing. Baby shower gifts, graduation gifts, Christmas, house warmings, children''s birthdays.

If you want to play the game I think $500 total, between all three occasions - engagement party, shower, and wedding - covers it. It''s not your fault that she had three parties and you only had one.

 

[tberube]

your friend sounds like she doesn''t deserve anything from you. What a horrible thing to say to a guest. Yipes.

 

[Pandora II]

If it was me, I just would just put her cheque in an envelope and give it back to her as her gift...

I mean, what is the point of her giving you a gift just so you can give the same one back.

I stick to what I want with my gifts. If the person is insulted/p''d off - then they''re obviously not my friend. This is assuming that I haven''t give them a ''can of tuna'' as a gift (if people remember THAT thread).

It makes me really angry when people get all worked up about the gifts. If I get given things then that is lovely, and if they''re from our registry then great as we''re moving house and I actually NEED the stuff on it. But frankly I don''t care if we get no gifts at all!