should I stay or should I go? money vs. family

[basil]

With apologies to the Clash...

I should start out saying I realize this isn't the biggest problem in the world, that we are lucky to have jobs at all, since so many are struggling. But here goes.

I live in a midwestern city. It's nice. I have friends here. We have a nice little condo and a cute puppy. But I always intended to move back home (New England) in the summer of 2011, when I'm done with my training here. I've been here going on 5 years, and my husband moved here 1.5 years ago. We want to have a family, and when I have a kid I want to be around my extended family (parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.)

But - My husband is doing very well with his job. To say he loves it would be an overstatement, since there are things he doesn't like, like a large amount of driving, long hours, etc. But he likes it. And he does well. The business is very interested in him staying, even though when he joined he was honest and told them it would likely be short-term. But they are understaffed which is unusual in his industry. So understaffed that they are making very good offers for him to stay. It's probably 3x what he could make if we moved back to New England. Plus, his boss is set on retiring in 8 years, which, if he stayed, would put him in line to take over the business. Which would be a great opportunity that doesn't come along that often. And that's even if he could find a job in New England. He's already exhausted his contacts there and is getting pretty discouraging responses that no one is even looking.

On his salary here, we could purchase a very nice house in a nice neighborhood with nice schools, since housing is cheaper here than New England. I could work part time once we have kids without worrying about income. And I have friends here, who have young children or who are planning on it. And I have no friends in New England. And it makes me sound like a loser, but friends aren't something that I've always had, so there's definitely a value there. I don't have a job here after June 2011, but my industry is such I'm 90% sure I could find something somewhere in the general area, especially if I'm not too picky and seeing as that I already have connections here.

But I'm really sad about it. I love New England. I love the water. Money isn't everything. A nicer house won't make you happy, and we could buy a house in New England, too. It just wouldn't be quite as big or nice. We're fortunate that either way we wouldn't be living paycheck to paycheck. And we'd be able to spend more time with family, and you can't put a price on that. And people and experiences are what affect your happiness. My parents have a cottage on the beach that we could go to in the summer. There's nothing that approaches that here.

But it's a huge amount of money to turn down. And I have no friends there - I'm not going to go out and grab a beer after work with my mom, and in my industry I'm not at all confident that I'd meet people to fill that role. And once my parents retire in 2012 they'll have more time to travel and spend more time in our city. And we could afford to fly them here whenever they wanted. But when I think about staying here, I feel like I'm choosing money over family, and that thought is disgusting.

So what would you do? Should I stay or should I go?

 

[Gempassion]

I think that if you follow your heart, and your heart seems to be telling you to go back to New England, the job situation will fall into place eventually. If your partner has trouble finding work in the beginning, there are other ways to make money (like starting an online business, for example).

 

[fieryred33143]

I also agree with following your heart. However, if it were me I would stay.

I know the importance of being around family and how much you can miss them if they are far. But the most important family unit is you and your husband (and your future children) and what is best for them. It doesn't sound to me like moving to New England would improve situations for you or your husband-just that you really like it there and want to be near family. Like you said, they can always visit. It sounds like your current situation and path has the most benefit for you and your family so that's what I would chose. I understand that it feels like choosing money over family but don't underestimate the importance of having a good enough career that allows you to stay home with the children, have a better home which means safer community, great schools which means more opportunities, and with more money comes better health insurance, better savings for the future,etc.

It would be a no-brainer for me, unless I was completely miserable and it sounds like you're not.

 

[Steel]

If I were you I would stay.

 

[Pandora II]

I would also stay!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

i would stay too...

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I would stay as well. Having the security of money beats the secruity of family in my book, and my life would be a lot easier if DH and I didn't have to worry about money. If your parents will be retiring soon and you'll have enough money to fly them to you then I think that sounds like a plan. In addition, it's great to have mom friends once you have children. I don't have many friends IRL, especially those with kids and it's hard to get out and meet other moms when you work by necessity.

 

[packrat]

I would stay too, Basil. I don't see it as choosing money over family. If we were in the same position, I would see it as choosing what's best for your family-meaning you, your husband and future kids. With the income being so much greater, there's more opportunity to put money aside so that in say 5 years if you guys are still missing New England, you'd be that much farther ahead, and maybe by then the job market in Mr. Basil's area of expertise would open up a bit more there.

 

[hlmr]

I would say you and your DH should stay for now, but seriously reconsider going if you start a family.

Best wishes for whatever you decide!!!

 

[megumic]

In my book, personal life comes before financial or professional. While I understand your finances and job security are factors in your decision, you won't be happy with any of that if you're not satisfied with your personal life. For us, living where we want means commuting +1 hour per day each way and a higher cost of living, but for us it is worth it.

To not make the move, you have to be willing to sacrifice not seeing your family as often. Are the money and the friends worth it?

 

[charbie]

There are definite pros and cons to either option. Personally, I would move back to be closer to family. That was your plan all along, and no amount of money can fill time lost with with family. Are your cousins/extended family the type your are close with and consider friends? I know DHs are, we hang out with them frequently. I recently loved with my husband to be close with family, and nothing beats it.

 

[Cehrabehra]

We have been wanting to move "home" for years, more than a decade, but our lifestyle is too good - who wants to backtrack that much? Of course the farther we go on, the more we are able to close that gap and afford to live there. One thing on the side of moving is that it is VERY easy to make friends when you have babies/small children. There are so many community activities and play groups to get involved in, even in pregnancy fitness etc, and those friendships last a long time. So don't fret on the friendships... it is possible maybe to stay where you are a few more years and then move back. Avoid buying the nice house in the nice neighborhood and live modestly while your children are small and save your money for your move back east in a few years.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Sometimes I have distorted thinking and think when I make a decision it is forever. The great thing is if you decide to stay and them your DH and you decide it isn't worth the sacrifices of not living by your family, you can move later! It sounds like you are lonely which is understandable but try to make a smart decision, not an emotional one.

 

[decodelighted]

Stay.

2012 is not that far away (re: your parents being more free to travel). With the extra income you'll be getting *there* you can afford to, say, take a week or two in the summer & do the family beach cottage thing. Big dose of family then.

The prime income-earning years ONLY COME AROUND ONCE. (I'm screaming that at myself really, because I'm slacking).


ETA: I'd start redefining how you're talking to yourself about this too. "Disgusting"? Really? Picking $$ over family might indeed be disgusting to you -- but whose family are you talking about. YOUR family is your husband & your future kids. STAYING might be what's best for them -- where going "home" might be a selfish, outdated dream. Is picking your family's comfort/security over "being near water" disgusting? Basically I'm saying ratchet back the rhetoric. It doesn't have to be so black & white. Life gets much more complicated than we thing when we start creating these maxims for ourselves as young adults. Our perception of what is important *shifts*. If, once you have kids, you feel its important to be by your parents or your DH's parents -- that's something else. You just dont know that yet for sure. And, who knows -- some of them might move your way once they retire. New England is a SUCKY place to retire!!! (IMHO).

 

[zoebartlett]

I'm so glad that you and your husband are finally together, Basil. I've read previous posts where you talked about your LDR, and it's nice to see that you're now together. Yay!

I can sort of relate to your situation. My husband and I are from northern New England, but we spent a year living in NC recently. While there were things we really liked about our area, we really missed home. We considered staying in NC for another year and giving it a longer try, but our hearts were up here. Even though the cost of living is so much cheaper down there, we knew we'd be fine if we moved home. We both grew up in New England, and my parents and my most of my husband's family still lives here. We decided to move back home and we're thrilled. So that's what my advice would be. If you've always had your set on living in New England again and being near family, I'd do that. There's no other place quite like New England, and if it means that much to you too (and it sounds like it does), move back! We occasionally have PS get-togethers, and you could possbly make great friends with the connections you have here.

You didn't mention it, so I don't know if it's a possibility, but is there a chance that your husband would be able to stay with his company even if you moved home? If they see him as a great asset to the company, they might be willing to keep him on and allow him to work remotely. Just an idea.

 

[Octavia]

Sometimes I have distorted thinking and think when I make a decision it is forever. The great thing is if you decide to stay and them your DH and you decide it isn't worth the sacrifices of not living by your family, you can move later! It sounds like you are lonely which is understandable but try to make a smart decision, not an emotional one.

This. If I were in your situation, I would stay for the time being but would keep a lookout for opportunities back in NE. I'd also make the current condo work for as long as possible and not worry about finding another house until you really need to (for example, if it's a small 1-br and you find out you're pregnant, or if you make up your minds that you definitely want to stay). You can almost certainly find a job there and your DH has a great career; you said that he might not even be able to find a job in NE in the near future, which should be a serious consideration. If he can't find work in NE, are you sure that you'd be able to buy a house or not live paycheck-to-paycheck there? Especially if you move before jobs and such are lined up, make sure you're not planning on the best-case scenario because it may not come true.

Also, is it possible that you're idealizing what it would be like to live there again? Are you really that close to your aunts, uncles, and cousins, and do you think that they want the same extended-family lifestyle you do? It would be disappointing to move back only to find that the image you had in your mind isn't actually the way it works.

Last point, how does your husband feel about this -- is he as keen on the idea of moving as you are? You didn't say whether he's also from New England or if he has family in that area. Would he resent being uprooted from a job he really likes and has a good future at just to live near your family (assuming his is elsewhere)?

Anyway, just my $0.02.

 

[icekid]

Sometimes I have distorted thinking and think when I make a decision it is forever. The great thing is if you decide to stay and them your DH and you decide it isn't worth the sacrifices of not living by your family, you can move later! It sounds like you are lonely which is understandable but try to make a smart decision, not an emotional one.

This is what I am thinking, as well. Stay for now, and then give your hubby more time to network and such back where you really want to be. Of course, the problem here is changing jobs for you when perhaps you're trying to gain partnership, but it might be the best option.

My hubby and I have a baby on the way currently, so this is definitely on my mind too! Fortunately, home for us is in a relatively inexpensive location. But for some reason, compensation is also less there. Still, we would probably end up ahead there vs living in/near the big city we love. It's a tough decision for sure, but as circumstances change and priories become more clear you can be free to change your mind!

 

[tyty333]

My short answer...I would stay. Since you can afford it make time to travel several times a year to see the family and hit the
beach house. If things change you can always move in the future.

 

[Anastasia]

Sometimes I have distorted thinking and think when I make a decision it is forever. The great thing is if you decide to stay and them your DH and you decide it isn't worth the sacrifices of not living by your family, you can move later! It sounds like you are lonely which is understandable but try to make a smart decision, not an emotional one.

I agree with Tacori. This doesn't have to be black and white. I dont' think that moving to be near family, when there are not good job opportunities there, is a good idea. If he gets a great job offer in New England, great, by all means go. But if you would be moving back without a job, and to an area that doesn't offer great prospects,I don't think that is a smart move.

I echo Decodelighted's comments about prime earning years. Work hard and save. Live below your means. Keep pursuing jobs in New England, and if the right opportunity presents itself, jump on it.

My husband is in an industry which has been hit really hard in the current economic crisis. We have gone from a VERY comfortable lifestyle, and saving lots of money, to things being really tight. We will be fine, but with three children, the oldest of whom will be starting college in three short years, it is really disheartening to not be as secure as we were. Your husband has a great job that he likes. His company loves him and is offering him incentives to stay. I would stay. I would go home as often as possible, and bring my family to see me as much as possible, but until the prospects in New England are better, I wouldn't be chancing things.

 

[havernell]

Last point, how does your husband feel about this -- is he as keen on the idea of moving as you are? You didn't say whether he's also from New England or if he has family in that area. Would he resent being uprooted from a job he really likes and has a good future at just to live near your family (assuming his is elsewhere)?

This is what I kept wondering too. Does your husband even *want* to live near your family? I wouldn't want to live near my inlaws, not only because they're a bit crazy, but because it would make me kind of sad to live near/see my husband's family all the time but be far from my own family. In a way, maybe it's better that you're both in "neutral" territory in the place you are now.

I'm sorry you are feeling so torn over this. It's hard to know if living in NE would really make you happier or if the reality of living there wouldn't live up to your fond memories of it. However, it sounds like this isn't a decision that needs to be (or even should be) made now. Like others said, if your husband also does want to move to NE, keep your ears open for job opportunities in NE but in the meantime, keep developing your life in your current city. If at a point in the future moving seems to make sense (i.e. a good job opportunity has arisen there for one/both of you) then you can make a decision on moving. But until then, don't stress yourself out about it!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Looking back, there are so many times I was sad we didn't live near family when our kids were young. When they had grandparents day at school, our kids didn't have any to come...just one example. I had friends who had parents who took the kids when they wanted a date night or weekend away, and finding totally trustworthy babysitters is just not all that easy. And there were a thousand other times it would have been super to have family nearby. There's a saying that "home is where your heart is", and if your heart is where your family is, there is no amount of money that can replace that. Seeing extended family a couple of times a year is simply not the same as living nearby. There'll come a day that your parents may not be able to handle the trips out to see you, also. Our oldest daughter is close by and plans on staying in this area if she marries her current bf, because she wants her children to have a close relationship with us because she didn't have that as a child. That is something I really look forward to!

I obviously wouldn't move until your husband finds a new job there. But you'll make friends there especially when you have children.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I grew up in the midwest and now live in new england, so I do understand why you are torn. In fact, I moved back to the midwest nearly 4 years ago and turned down a really great job offer (more than I make now) because I wanted to move back to new england.

That being said, I feel like the pros of staying in your situation outweigh the cons. As others have pointed out, I would save as much as you possibly can and still keep your eyes peeled for positions in new england. While I understand the appeal of moving back to the coas--especially since your family is here--I feel like giving up the financial security/your husband's position is just too big of a sacrifice right now.

I mostly just want to offer support because I completely understand why you are torn.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I would stay where you are. Money isn't everything, but you DO know what life is in your current living situation and also what it'll be like for the coming years. You won't be able to predict, no matter how much you try, what life will be like if you move back. In an ideal world, family can be a strong bond, but often things don't work out as planned and friends, especially when you have young children, are essential.

 

[GliderPoss]

I would stay and enjoy the financial security it will create for your family. You can always go and visit your parents and vice versa. If you go, you are sorta choosing to put yourself and you parents BEFORE your own family (you and hubby). Does hubby feel the exact same way? It doesn't have to be forever - keep an eye out for opportunities in the NE area and jump on the right one later on.

 

[iheartscience]

I'd move back, personally. Living near my family is the most important thing there is to me. My husband and I have purposely limited our job searches to the area and my husband has turned down a couple of promotions that would require us to move elsewhere. That said, my husband and I both have good jobs in the area. If we didn't, it might be a different story.

I agree with the others who said you don't have to make a forever decision right now. You could always stay where you are for a couple more years and then move back to New England later.

 

[meresal]

I'm sorry you are going thru this... I know how hard it can be to be living away from what you always imagined.

However this is what I got from your story... I don't really "see" an option. I would definitely stay where you are, especially since there is no guaratny that your husband would find a job.
Do you absolutely hate where you are, or do you just miss what you have always loved?

I am living in a city I never thought I would live in, because of my husband's job. I don't like the weather, I don't like living away from my family, and I miss snow in the winter. It is hard, but it is what is best for our family. Now that we have our son, I don't have to go back to work, which like yourself, also wouldn't be an option if we lived back home. We also make enough, that I can fly home to visit anytime I want... and now that I am a SAHM, I can stay as long as I want too!

Heck, you could just look at it this way... At the salary your husband will be pulling in, you can retire early and THEN move back to NE... or just by a small vacation home and go back as much as possible


No, money doesn't buy happiness, but it does make life quite a bit easier.

ETA: Your last line says you think you are choosing money over family... however, what about YOUR family. You and your husband. I'm not sure if you plan on having children, but what about college expenses, family vacations. Would that extra cash allow you and your husband to enjoy things that make you happy, that you wouldn't be able to have back home.
Like you said, your parents will be retired and you can afford to fly them out.

You make alot of points for each place, but only you can know which one you belong in. No matter what you pick, just rememeber there are things you like about each place, and as long as that is the case, you can't make a "bad" decision.