should I pay for the E-ring?

[LaraOnline]

Date: 8/13/2008 9:17:03 PM
Author: LostSapphire
(and it''s WAY more money now!)

LS

yeah, there is that.

 

[LostSapphire]

Date: 8/13/2008 9:42:32 PM
Author: LaraOnline

Date: 8/13/2008 9:17:03 PM
Author: LostSapphire
(and it''s WAY more money now!)

LS

yeah, there is that.

*whispers* yeah but I keep telling him it''s 22 years of inflation.....he doesn''t realize it''s quite an upgrade..tee hee hee

LS

 

[dec2410]

i would love to split the cost of my future e-ring. like many of the wise women on this board have said, i believe that engagement and marriage is a very commitment a couple makes together, thus putting together the funds for the ring, only makes sense.

however, the likelihood of my bf allowing me to contibute to the cost of the ring...slim to none. we haven''t had this discussion quite yet, but when we are closer to being engaged (probably late next year) i will express my wanting to at least purchase the setting, while he still get to chose the diamond that will be placed in that setting.

will he agree? probably not. but we''ll see.

just my $.02

 

[somehowcollide]

Date: 8/13/2008 6:05:47 AM
Author: EmptyLeftHand
Good morning all.


Thank you for all your contributions and thoughts thus far.

It seems – like most things- that it is largely a personal decision. I just wasn’t sure whether contributing was a major no-no. It seems that quite a few of you think it’s ok, so that’s interesting.


Finances within a relationship can certainly be difficult.

To give a bit of background, the balance financially between us is not equal at the moment. I am a doctor (don’t know the American/ worldwide grade equivalent, but I’ve been at it a few years!) my SO is a mature student. This may go some way to explaining the house situation Holly. Incidentally, I wasn’t meaning to bite your head off on that one, but the financing of that is a totally separate issue which I am comfortable with, as is he.


My SO is extremely generous and gets me the best of what he can afford, which is lovely. I would be happy to contribute towards the ring. I think the idea of “setting from me, stone from him” is a nice one. That way I could know exactly which part was from him. But as you say, if that was not acceptable to him then I wouldn’t do it.


I think that my motivation is genuine. I am not trying to bribe him, or pay him to propose or manipulate him in that way at all. If I just wanted a ring, I could log on to GOG, pick a stunner and have the thing on my finger by the weekend!


Bottom line (and thank you all for helping me come up with this)- if he proposes, and we decide to buy a ring we will discuss the budget and whether or not he is prepared to let me contribute towards that. If he says no, I will wear what I get happily. If he says yes, we’ll take it from there.

That sound OK?? I will keep you posted!

ELH-This sounds like a very fair and rational plan. Sometimes these controversial topics get all types of responses (and often there is some friction). But it seems like you were able to cut out the fat, so to speak, and really capture the essence of the advice that was offered.

Good luck!

 

[Pandora II]

I''m in the UK as well.

I don''t think there is anything wrong about paying for some of it yourself. DH gave me a budget and I said I''d pay anything over that to get the ring I really wanted - upgrades are not something I would ever want.

Turned out he''d only given me part of the actual budget to play with and we came in under his real budget which was nice.

However, I am superpicky, so it took nearly 6 months to design my ring, find the centre stone and then have the ring made. In the meantime, he gave me an antique sapphire/diamond eternity band that we found on ebay and I wore that till mine was ready.

If we are travelling or going to places I wouldn''t be happy wearing my real e-ring I wear that one, so it''s nice to have a spare ring with some real sentimental value.

 

[supergirl10]

I think that it is great that you are considering paying/helping pay for your e-ring! I think that it is a personal choice. But seeing that you are earning WAAY more than he is I''d say its fair of you to contribute something (assuming he doesn''t have a problem with that)

My younger sister recently got engaged after only 5 months. Her FI proposed to her with a yellow gold ring (she actually wanted a white gold one and for some reason he chose to ignore her). I got engaged 3 weeks ago. FI proposed with the sapphire and diamond (chip) commitment ring he brought me two years go and told me that he wanted to get it made together.

My mother was terribly confused. She had to clarify "so you are offically engaged,you just don''t have a ring???" I told her i have a ring, just not my official engagement ring. Her opinion was that because my sister FI actually proposed with a ring that was meant as her permanent "engagement ring" it was somehow more serious or real.

In this instance i actually think that my FI is the more caring one. He is taking the time to consider what i want in a ring, and is choosing to include me in the process. I personally would hate to be in my sister''s shoes and have a ring that is not entirely ideal just because he went ahead and did what he wanted. I personally think that that is showing little regard for her wants. Granted it is a very minor issue and she loves her ring.

My point it that given the opportunity i think most women would prefer to have some level of input into their ring be it financially, setting wise, shape of stone, carat size. I think you are in an ideal situation. If it is possible i would suggest you discuss the propect of him proposing without a ring and you both planning (and paying) for it together)

 

[glitterbug]

I would absolutely offer to pitch in for my ring, if my fiance was ok with it! A marriage is a partnership, and an e-ring can definitely be a collaborative process without losing ANY of the romance associated with it.

 

[feepy5]

I was in the exact same place as you! My boyfriend was finishing up a Masters degree as a full time student and pretty strapped for cash. I wanted a beautiful diamond that sparkled in a beautiful setting that I wouldn''t ever feel the need to upgrade. As a result I was picking out $7000 diamonds with a setting that came out to be an additonal $1500. I knew this was way out of his price range so to help ease the pain I contributed $2000 toward the ring. In the end, I was able to get my dream ring and it was nice because it was something we both picked out and designed together. The reality of the situation is that we want to buy a house asap, will be paying for our own wedding and will have joint accounts once we are married. That said, once we are married our money is shared and the line between him paying or me paying will be blurred. This isn''t 1953 where the man is the provider of money. We are both working together towards mutual goals and if my goal is a big fat sparkly ring I don''t think it''s right to ask him to be put in a financially uncomfortable spot to achieve it. If I can help us attain goals without settling for less than what I want, I have no problem in doing so.

 

[pjean]

Date: 8/12/2008 3:40:28 PM
Author: blondebunny
maybe you could find a stone u liked and give it to him to set..

That''s a really clever idea. I don''t know if it would work for the OP, but it should definitely be added to the file of possible compromises.

 

[Gwyn]

I am going to reply without reading anyone else''s response since there are a couple pages of them.

If your guy has no issue with it, then I would be all for it. In theory, once you are married all money is shared anyway right.

Lets say he does put it on his visa, eventually some of your money is going to be going towards paying it off anyway so why pay interest?

Also, if you let him buy what he can afford now and then upgrade or whatever later, it kind of seems like a waste of money to me. Why even spend the money on a CZ if it isnt what you really want? PLUS you wont have your actual engagement ring for life if you do it that way.

If neither of you could afford the ring, I would say that getting something small or artificial now is a great way to go, but if you can put in or purchase it yourself then I am all for it and I dont think anyone should make you feel bad about it.

If you are worried about others reactions, you don''t have to tell them, it is none of their business anyway.

By the time FI actually proposed, we were already living together with a combined bank account. So, technically I probably did pay for some part of my ring (granted he made about 3x what I did) but still I am better some of that was mine! In fact, FI purchased the diamond on his credit card (it was an over the phone purchase and that was the easiest way) and I then applied for a new credit card (one with no interest on purchases and balance transfers {no fee on transfers either} for 1 year) and moved the diamond and setting purchase on that. Though the funds used to pay off that card came from both of us, the card itself was soley in my name.

Some people may have thought this was odd but it worked out great for us. We didnt have to pay the 10K or so up front but we easily paid if off within the year and in the meantime were able to save not only on interest we would have had to pay through his card but we gained interest by keeping the cash in our savings account longer. And all it meant was that I had to take part in the ring purchasing. To me, its a no brainer.

 

[sammyj]

I skipped a bunch of posts so I don''t know if this question has already been answered, but have you actually discussed contributing money to your ring with your FF? If so, how did he react? What did he say?

I have also offered to contribue $3000 to make sure that I get a ring that I love but my BF shot that idea down pretty fast! I don''t think that''s emasculating in any way but I think some guys just think it''s their duty to pay for the ring, plan the proposal and to pop the question, which is the case with my BF.

I personally wouldn''t want to wear a CZ or a temporary ring for a few years or however long it would take to finance your real engagement ring. To me, it just takes away from the process of being engaged which partly involves spreading the news and flashing your bling. It is personal preference though, and really, what do I know? It''s not as if I have a ring on my finger!

I also really liked the idea of having a joint account/credit card where you both pay off the cost of the ring (I forget who mentioned it, sorry!). Your FF may feel more comfortable with you making small contributions on a regular basis rather than a giant lump sum.

 

[mtjoya]

I think that it is okay. No one needs to know your personal business and you shouldnt feel bad. I understand what you are going through. I think that its sweet that you would want to pitch in and get what YOU want. Congrats on your future plans! I am still a LIW and want my ring!!!

 

[chelsea3]

I think that this question needs to be raised within your relationship and the answer lies therein. If he is fine with it, do it. If not, he should verbally let you know or you should be able to tell by his reaction. You will be wearing this ring for a long time so you ought to get what you want, provided that the method is mutally agreed on by both of you!

Good luck, Chelsea