Should I invite my officiant?

[alli_esq]

Hi, ladies! Today I am officially 6 months out! Crazy--I have a lot of the big stuff done, but none of the details worked out...

I am still figuring out my final guest list, and I am already over my self-imposed head-count (read: budget). I was wondering what the proper etiquette is for inviting an officiant. It is a secular ceremony, so the celebrant will not be a religious figure, and I will be paying this person to marry us and send in all the necessary license and paperwork, etc. I have heard of inviting the priest/rabbi-type to the reception, but the jury is still out on the celebrant.

Any advice? Thanks, everyone!!

 

[doodle]

I say yes. Secular ceremony or not, this is still someone who is making the effort of being there for your day, so I think the "proper" thing to do would be to invite your celebrant and his/her spouse. As far as being over your budget goes, keep in mind that everyone you invite may not be able to attend, so the numbers may work themselves out anyway. Just my $0.02, whatever that''s worth!

6 months to go, woohoo!

 

[alli_esq]

Haha, not the answer I wanted! Naw, just kidding--thank you for your input, doodle!! I read in Martha Stewart''s wedding magazine (teehee) yesterday about how if you''re paying them already you don''t necessarily have to and I sorta liked that concept

As far as people not coming--ugh. If anything, I have already found out that people I was sure wouldn''t come are...and so far, I only have about 6 people out of 160 invitations that I think won''t be coming. I thought this was going to be a 125 person affair! What happened?!?! AND I''m still not inviting any of my friends from college!!

 

[White Orchid]

I invited my officiant and his wife. I sat them at the family table (we have very small families) and they had a really good time. They didn''t stay the whole night, but it was so nice to include them.

 

[mayachel]

I always thought it was common to invite them, but them, religious or otherwise only to have them demure and get on with their day? Unless of course they knew you or your family.

Perhaps if you are prepared for them to say "yes", you could ask the celebrant directly what is commonly done? Then it gives you the opportunity to have them say, "oh what ever you''d like, but really it isn''t necessary" and then you can take that info and let them know... I don''t know. Sounds like a tight spot to be in, ''cause who doesn''t want to be the gracious host?

 

[cocolaw]

how well do you know the officiant? if this is a person who advertises as a person licensed to marry people and you only know him in that capacity, then i don''t think you need to invite him at all. if he is a judge who is a friend of your family, then you should invite him.

 

[rhbgirl24]

Date: 5/20/2009 8:38:49 AM
Author: cocolaw
how well do you know the officiant? if this is a person who advertises as a person licensed to marry people and you only know him in that capacity, then i don''t think you need to invite him at all. if he is a judge who is a friend of your family, then you should invite him.

I agree. I hired someone I researched and dont personally know, and I do not believe I am going to invite them. But good question!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

We invited our officiant...and his wife. They sat the family table...and he also offered to give the blessing at dinner, which was lovely. People really enjoyed him and his wife (they were sort of oddballs, if you ask me--but very, very nice). I say extend the invite.

 

[Viola]

I think I would invite him/her.

 

[NovemberBride]

I would absolutely invite him/her. I think there is a good chance that they will decline, particularly if they do not know you or your FI well, but it is the polite thing to do. Also, I don''t think the fact that you are paying them has anything to do with whether you should invite them, even though you don''t pay a priest or rabbi directly, you usually make a sizeable donation to the church in return for their services.

 

[oobiecoo]

I would invite them.

We invited the deacon who married us and his wife and they politely declined so maybe you''ll get lucky!

 

[HollyS]

Unless the reception is on another day, elsewhere, the officiant is treated as a guest at the reception. IF you had an actual wedding, of course. Not just a quick trip to an officiant's office.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

We didn't. We are having a non-denominational wedding and we don't know this person well at all. We hired him off a website and have met him very informally to go through how the ceremony was going to proceed, but he literally knows nothing about us (e.g. how we met). We may ask him to stay for cocktails and drinks post ceremony but for our small wedding, it made no sense to invite him. He also does not know any guests. I think it would be super awkward to have him there...

 

[alli_esq]

thanks for your input, everyone!

I guess I''ll have to invite them...
I don''t know this person--I haven''t decided who I''m hiring yet, but either way, it will be someone who advertises as an officiant online...

I don''t know, I don''t want to not be gracious of course (which is why I asked)--but I''m already going to be paying $500-600 for them to even be there...the thought of having to spend an extra $250 in addition that sorta annoys me when I can''t even afford to invite people I know and actually want there.

I guess in my mind the difference between a secular person you''ve hired to marry you and a rabbi/priest-type is that when you pay for a synagogue/church ceremony, you are usually contributing to the congregation or the organization. The fee I''ll be paying to the officiant will be for the officiant him/herself. I guess it''s, in my mind, like tipping the owner of a salon when you go to them.

Does this all make me sound ridiculously cheap? I''m not, I swear--just broke.

 

[tlh]

http://books.google.com/books?id=bgCxjID8l9AC&pg=PA67&lpg=PA67&dq=etiquette+on+inviting+officiant&source=bl&ots=mJaZK2RZGP&sig=8uDLh4R6u5P86Cyox3zHTbxbDU4&hl=en&ei=ylUUSqyPCIjItge2xoCOBA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=6

We invited ours, they did not attend the RD, they did attend the Reception... and we also sat them at the family/parents table.

 

[rhbgirl24]

Date: 5/20/2009 2:43:34 PM
Author: alli_esq
thanks for your input, everyone!


I guess I''ll have to invite them...

I don''t know this person--I haven''t decided who I''m hiring yet, but either way, it will be someone who advertises as an officiant online...


I don''t know, I don''t want to not be gracious of course (which is why I asked)--but I''m already going to be paying $500-600 for them to even be there...the thought of having to spend an extra $250 in addition that sorta annoys me when I can''t even afford to invite people I know and actually want there.


I guess in my mind the difference between a secular person you''ve hired to marry you and a rabbi/priest-type is that when you pay for a synagogue/church ceremony, you are usually contributing to the congregation or the organization. The fee I''ll be paying to the officiant will be for the officiant him/herself. I guess it''s, in my mind, like tipping the owner of a salon when you go to them.


Does this all make me sound ridiculously cheap? I''m not, I swear--just broke.

I happen to agree with that completely. I do not know this person. Nor do I need to pay an extra $160 on top of the $700 I''m paying them to be there for them to stay and each. Then to pay another 160 for their spouse... hmmm..... maybe that seems rude to some, but I''m not inviting my florist, even though she is dropping off the flowers before hand, and I''m not inviting the pastry chef even though they will be there to display the cake. So where is the line drawn? Like I said great question.

 

[tlh]

Date: 5/20/2009 3:16:10 PM
Author: rhbgirl24



I happen to agree with that completely. I do not know this person. Nor do I need to pay an extra $160 on top of the $700 I''m paying them to be there for them to stay and each. Then to pay another 160 for their spouse... hmmm..... maybe that seems rude to some, but I''m not inviting my florist, even though she is dropping off the flowers before hand, and I''m not inviting the pastry chef even though they will be there to display the cake. So where is the line drawn? Like I said great question.

true, but your florist, and pastry chef weren''t the focal point, in that the officiant PERFORMED the ceremony. Also, it is typically customary that you provide a DJ - band, photog anyone that stays through the reception, a VENDOR MEAL... which is a less expensive fare than the main entre - but you are feeding them.... just food for thought.

 

[rhbgirl24]

I do know this. Thanks. My DJ and Photog will be given seated meals,this is because they will be WORKING the reception, hence already being there. The officiant has nothing to do with the reception. Guess its matter of opinion here.

 

[bee*]

I think that it is nice to invite him. I have both priests that are marrying us coming to our reception. They''re the people that are marrying you and to me I feel that it''s right to invite them.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I really do think it's a matter of personal preference and opinion as well. I see my officiant as being a stranger who is marrying us and hired to do paper work. We are paying his 600$ fee to do so. I think it's completely different than a priest in a Catholic church who counsels the couple, and provides service for a minimal fee. I also think it's different than an officiant who gets to know the couple well. I think if my experience with our officiant was more personal or intimate (for e.g. if he tried to get to know us) then I would feel more inclined to invite him to the dinner. I am pretty comfortable with him not being invited, however. I have asked several of my friends who are getting married and the majority of them have not thought about inviting the officiant either- although they are all in similar positions where they do not know the person well at all. I dunno - I am not much of a stickler for rules and etiquette though - apparenly - since I also didn't invite some of my school friends' husbands. So perhaps my opionion is biased and skewed

 

[Bia]

I would, yes.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Personally, yes I believe so.

 

[honey22]

Date: 5/20/2009 8:38:49 AM
Author: cocolaw
how well do you know the officiant? if this is a person who advertises as a person licensed to marry people and you only know him in that capacity, then i don''t think you need to invite him at all. if he is a judge who is a friend of your family, then you should invite him.

Ditto. Basically you are paying them for a service. You wouldn''t invite your dressmaker, hair and makeup artist, etc etc, so I don''t see the need to invite the officiant.

 

[mayachel]

In thinking about this some more, I have to say I do agree with you that you are NOT being cheap here. The whole hiring an officiant is much more mercenary in nature. If you decide to invite the person, I would draw the line before inviting the spouse. VERY different from knowing the celebrant or being a member of the congregation. You don''t invite the DJ''s spouse...