Wedding Should I drop her?

[Coreysgirl]

Good Morning All...

I''m in a dilemma. I have a cousin who lives in Lafayette, IN. She''s one of my bridesmaids and has been giving me the hardest time out of all of them. She''s been constantly telling me she''ll be down here to try on her dress. It''s been over two months since the other girls tried on their dress and she still hasn''t. So she calls me Saturday morning and says I''m calling you to let you know I made it down here to try on my dress. Can we go a little later because my friend is about to do my hair? So I told her that''s fine because I hadn''t left my house yet and wasn''t dressed. So I made plans to go at 4pm. Now it was about 2pm when she called me. So I get in my car and get to my mother''s house at 3:15pm. We are sitting around waiting until a little before 4pm so that we can go. So 4pm goes by, 5, 6, 7, 8 and no Lacey. So by this time I''m pi__ed off and literally have tears in my eyes. She never showed up and didn''t even have the respect to call me and say sorry.

So I told my mother that I don''t want her in the wedding anymore because she''s been giving me a hard time. I felt kinda bad because she''s my cousin and my other cousins are in it. But I just know that when it gets close to the wedding it''ll be something else and she won''t be able to make it.

What do you think I should do? My fiance'' has already asked 7 of his guys and if I drop her it''ll be 6 girls and 7 guys.

 

[FrekeChild]

I''d drop her. She''s not worth the heartache and the tears. As for having more guys than girls...Now you can just have two guys escort one girl. Don''t cry any more over it though, she''s not worth it.

I''m sorry you''re going through that, I think thats really messed up of her.

 

[Independent Gal]

Standing someone up is very rude, regardless of the circumstances. Is that in character for her? Is she generally kind of absent minded? Did you try to call her? Maybe there''s an explanation (an emergency?)

I can''t advise you about whether or not to ''drop her'' as that depends on the local politics of your family.

 

[Coreysgirl]

Let''s just put it like this, she''s the kind of person that would rather go and gamble instead of spend time with her kids. She''s an immature person and to be honest she''s not a good mother to me. My mother said she saw Saturday evening and she was playing cards. All she said was I know Alicia''s mad at me. She didn''t give any explanation or nothing. She doesn''t have a phone so I couldn''t call her see where she was.

There''s no explanation for her not making it Saturday. She could have asked her friend to take her Saturday before she got her hair done. It would have only taken about 30 minutes at the most.

 

[Haven]

Her behavior was extremely rude. Rather than drop her I''d try to talk to her about what happened and then have an adult conversation about how you''d love to have her stand up in the wedding but her behavior concerns you that perhaps she doesn''t want to. This way she has the opportunity to explain herself.

I''m very much against "dropping" bridesmaids from wedding parties. I believe it is a very rude thing to do, and can''t imagine a situation when two adults can''t have a frank discussion about whatever is causing conflict between them.

 

[lliang_chi]

I agree with Haven. Maybe have a conversation with her to see if she''s up to being a bridesmaid. Let her know that there are definitely other ways she can get involved without having all the BM duties. And you''d still love to have her involved in your wedding in some capacity. E.g. readings, speeches, or even just being there while you''re getting ready and making sure you get some food, water, or whatever else you might need.

 

[Livinthedream]

If someone did that to me, I would have to have a serious talk with her. I would tell her how much her lack of interest had bothered you up to that point, but after flaking out on Sat, and not even caring enough to call, you have decided that it is your best interest if she was not a part of your bridal party. This is YOUR BIG DAY we are talking about here, and it''s not right that someone who accepted to be a part of it should not hold up her end. If you can talk it out, great, but if not then I wouldn''t feel obligated to keep her in it since she can''teven give you the courtesy of a call. GOOD LUCK! There are enough things to get you stressed out... your girls should be the people you turn to, not the people causing it!

 

[krisvrn]

I think dropping her would be best. What if she does something crazy like this on your wedding day, show up late, not show up, etc. Save yourself the heartache.

 

[bee*]

I agree with Haven. I''d talk to her and see what the situation is. That''s extremely rude to stand you up and not even phone to apologise or explain what happened, but as others have said, I''m not sure whether you should drop her or not.

 

[oobiecoo]

Definitely talk to her and let her know that what she''s been doing is NOT okay. I had the same situation with a bridesmaid and even though I let her know how I felt, I ended up dropping her. Now I have 2 bridesmaids and FI has 3 groomsmen. Its ok if your numbers don''t match.

 

[Coreysgirl]

That''s another thing that concerns me. Would she make an excuse for not being here for rehearsals? Can I count on her to be on time for the wedding. Those are some of the questions I have to ask myself because I really do have alot of stuff to still take care of and I only have 67 days left. It''s so hard because she''s my cousin. I didn''t mention this in the first post but she lost custody of her son because she was abusive to him and would send him to school with bruises. She didn''t tell us about it and we''ve basically had to find this out through my cousin''s girlfriend who lives in Lafayette, IN close to her. I''ve been asking her about him, where can I call him at and go and visit and she blows me off. I''ve been on her back because I''ve told her before about hitting on him. So the same girl that lives close to her told me that she said she didn''t want to be in the wedding because she''s tired of me because I''ve asked too many questions about her son. So I''m wondering if this is why she''s doing this. When I first found out they took him I tried to get in contact with DCFS so that I could take him in, but I got no call back. And when I saw how she continued to live her life and make comments about him that made me not want her in it. All I kept saying in the back of my head is she doesn''t even care about losing her son so why would she care about being in my wedding. So in the beginning I definitely had doubts about her being in it and that''s why.

I know this probably doesn''t have anything to do with my original post but I wanted to give you all some background on her.

 

[Independent Gal]

Coreysgirl, I am 100% sure your cousin cares about losing her son. She probably has a lot of issues she is dealing with, and she may feel angry, ashamed, etc., feelings she may not feel comfortable owning up to or discussing.

It is very good of you to offer to take her son in!

But I wonder if she feels like you are intruding in her business then? Or maybe the fact that you''re happy and getting married while her life is in pieces is hard for her to deal with?

All the more reason to have a frank conversation with your cousin. Maybe ask how you can support her and whether there''s anything you can do for her.

It sounds like she is having a very hard time being alive, and that there is a lot of pain there. She may need to know you love her, and that you are there to encourage her if she wants to make changes in her life.

 

[VRBeauty]

I'm all about second chances, but it sounds to me like your cousin had her second chance on Saturday... and she blew it off. I think you should drop her... simply, directly, and factually. I'm guessing she's a skilled manupulater, and will continue to do so if you give her any opportunity at all. So just tell her that you're sorry and that you'd love to have her attend your wedding as a guest.

ETA OK, I just read IG's response and felt myself starting to soften....

But not all the way. Standing you up on Saturday and not having called -- even two days later -- without an explanation of some sort sounds like a very deliberate dig to me, not like an act of desperation. This girl needs a wake-up call. Molly-coddling her will just allow her to continue her self-centered ways.

 

[Coreysgirl]

I love my cousin and she knows I love her. When she had issue with her son she would call me and have me talk to him because she felt I would get through to him. So that''s why out of everybody in the family (including her own mother) I am the one who wanted to know about him being taken. And please don''t get to soft on her. My cousin has done nothing but talk about how he used to act when she had him. She even said "I miss him a little and I do mean a little". "All he would do is walk around the house and act like a little b__ch". So I don''t know if someone who cares about their child would say something like that.

When I was made aware of that comment she made about him I really started to think about how she''s been standing me. If she feels like that about her son then why would she care about being in my wedding. If I saw some bit of sadness in her eyes or felt it in her heart then I would say maybe she''s a little upset that I''m getting married and things are falling apart from her. But she''s been constantly partying, gambling, etc. like it doesn''t bother her. She doesn''t even mention his name to me anymore.

 

[Independent Gal]

That''s so sad. That poor little boy.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I just wanted to say I believe you that your cousin didn''t care about her son. I knew two kids growing up in the same position and to this day their parents couldn''t care less what happend to them.

I would talk to her in person with the expectation of dropping her. She has been told repeatedly what she needed to do and if she can''t bother, then that isn''t your fault. I think dropping a BM who cares and has spent money and whom you are truely close to is rude. Removing someone who is irresponsible, only tied to you by blood and dopesn''t care seems like a fair solution and not rude to me. I know if I was behaving that way I would expect to be removed.

 

[surfgirl]

Like the song says, "drop it like it''s hot..."

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 5/5/2008 9:59:04 PM
Author: surfgirl
Like the song says, ''drop it like it''s hot...''

Hahahaha! So not a funny situation, but that was hilarious, surf!

And don''t hate me for it, but I immediately thought of that careless idiot at the jewelry store who dropped your precious!

 

[diamondfan]

I would not be so worried about matching numbers as I would being treated so poorly. Her glaring and flagrant disregard for you is what matters here. She has you where she wants you, she can string you along and not show up and not call...and figures she can get away with it.

I would nicely say to her, Look, it appears that this is not something you are really into. That is fine, but I cannot have you in my wedding under these circumstances. You can just come and be a guest. I think that would be easier for both of us.