Should I be back in waiting?

[Independent Gal]

SO, here''s an update on the by now unbearably romantic M situation (with a little refresher about my situation):

After months of teeth gritting and fretting, I decided not to get engaged to my long time boyfriend, whom I was ''happy'' with, but whom I didn''t really love and wasn''t close to. (Yeah, no brainer, I know. But it just felt so comfortable at the time!)

I started dating casually, making clear that I wasn''t interested in getting into anything serious too quickly, despite the very active efforts of M whom I work with to make me commit to him. (See this thread, e.g.: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/calling-dmbfan-guys-your-turn-for-a-dating-q.54650/).

Anyway, just after New Year''s, and a little over two months into him courting me, I finally agreed see him exclusively, and frankly, now that we''ve been ''dating'' for three months (and we''ve known each other for a year and half or so), I have to say that pretty much all my concerns have melted away. All the practical stuff he''s already come up with solutions for: the mess? It''s disappeared! His place isn''t spotless, but it''s now fairly tidy. The money issues? He says I could do the budget and just give him an ''allowance'' (haha! he thinks this is cute, and it''s how his parents work their money). We''re different religions, and he says he''ll happily convert if I want him too, although I''d never ASK. Blah blah blah, but the practical issues did worry me.
But the more important part is that as I''ve been getting to know him, I think he is among the most beautiful human beings I know. He''s got plenty of faults, like anyone, but the overall person is just wonderful: warm and kind, passionate and excited about all kinds of things, full of energy and adventure, with a moral compass pointed in the right direction, devoted and full of love for his friends and family, engaging and entertaining. And he really sees who I am, faults and all, and calls me on it when I''m off base. So I''m convinced he''s not just infatuated. But he is definitely in love and devoted to me. He says he was sure within a couple of weeks that he wanted to marry me, and that everything he''s learned about me since confirms that.

I''m not in love with him yet, and I''m really glad that i''ve got to know him more deeply before letting myself really get emotionally involved, so I know I''m being pretty clearheaded.

But what a difference from the ex FF. I tried so hard to convince myself it was a good idea to marry him, and now I think how close I came to missing a chance to be with a man like this.

I know it''s only been three months. But many of you said you knew pretty soon. Well, I''m not 100% sure yet, but I''m about 85% sure that spending my life with M would be extraordinary and wonderful.

How cool is that?

So, now I''m actually excited about becoming an LIW, instead of my sense of strange foreboding with the ex. After a few more months. Now I''m in waiting to be in waiting. A LIWTBIW, I guess.

 

[NYCsparkle]

I think you should give yourself more time before you put yourself back on the list. I''m happy you found a great guy, but definately take your time.

Have fun and take time for yourself. 3 months isn''t a long time to talk marriage---especially since you aren''t 100% that you even love him.

 

[zoebartlett]

I agree. Take your time to figure out what you really want and go slowly. No need to rush.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Hi there. You probably don''t recognize me since I have not been here in ages. But something provoked me to check in on the forums tonight. As a girl who has tried to rush into things twice now, I would say give it some more time. Especially if you are not even sure if you love him yet. Now if I could only learn to take my own advice!

 

[Independent Gal]

Thanks Gals! I think this was exactly what I needed to hear. It''s very good advice. When I read what I wrote I think ''Oh, no!'' So, I''ll chill out and see what happens.

 

[bee*]

I agree with the others. Wait until you definitely love him before being a LIW again.

Ilovesparkles, how are you getting on?

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Date: 1/21/2007 2:20:19 AM
Author: ilovesparkles
Hi there. You probably don''t recognize me since I have not been here in ages. But something provoked me to check in on the forums tonight. As a girl who has tried to rush into things twice now, I would say give it some more time. Especially if you are not even sure if you love him yet. Now if I could only learn to take my own advice!

Sparkles!!!!! It''s good to see you! How have you been?

IG~I''m glad things are better with you and M. However, when you first met you were a little put off because it seemed as though he was trying too hard and didn''t want to give you space. To me, it still sounds like he''s trying too hard. It''s wonderful that he''s made compromises with regards to keeping his place cleaner, but as for you handling the money and giving him an allowance or converting religions at the drop of a hat...it makes me wonder.

You said you''re not 100% sure yet, so there''s your answer. We all know M''s been ready for a long time, but if you aren''t you''re not doing yourself any favors by rushing into it. Good luck!!

 

[Cehrabehra]

you''ve found a man you think would be good marriage material and that''s GREAT! But you say you are not in love... are you hoping you will fall in love? or is the chemistry just not there? IME chemistry doesn''t grow, its either there or not... not that you sometimes mistake it at first but once you let go it usually shows up rather quickly. Only you can know if the zazazu is there... sneaking in and growing and filling you.... or if you just really like the guy and love everything he is and are just hoping that the ''in love'' will come....

 

[Mara]

the most important part of your post is 'i'm not in love with him yet' .... don't even consider getting married to him yet if you don't even LOVE the guy. three months is not enough time to know anything honestly. of course the idea of spending your life with him sounds wonderful, it's the honeymoon phase. you guys are still getting to know each other. and i know from experience that finding a wonderful guy who treats you well does not equal love or marriage or anything. there are a ton of wonderful men out there, but you have to find the RIGHT person for YOU.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 1/21/2007 2:34:11 PM
Author: Mara
the most important part of your post is ''i''m not in love with him yet'' .... don''t even consider getting married to him yet if you don''t even LOVE the guy. three months is not enough time to know anything honestly. of course the idea of spending your life with him sounds wonderful, it''s the honeymoon phase. you guys are still getting to know each other. and i know from experience that finding a wonderful guy who treats you well does not equal love or marriage or anything. there are a ton of wonderful men out there, but you have to find the RIGHT person for YOU.

Emphatically agree with this. That''s the thing that most struck me about your post, too, is "I''m not in love with him".

Sometimes we WANT to be in love with that person, because they have all the qualities we think are important in a relationship. But spark and chemistry and being "in love" are just as important as fiscally responsible, good family values, etc.

 

[Independent Gal]

Yes, you''re all quite right! It''s so great to get all that good advice.

We had a chat and I said I didn''t want to have any more serious talks about ''the future'' until we have been seeing each other exclusively for 6 months, and that I''d want us to be together for a year or so before really making a decision. He said he understood perfectly. We both know lots of couples who just ''knew'' within a few months, but we also both know that you have to make sure that that feeling is real before you do anything rash, and that there are sometimes surprises.

The thing about the ''honeymoon period'' is that I''ve never actually had one of those. Usually, for the first several months I''m dating someone, I''m wracked with doubt. Even my first long term, really serious relationship, it took me about 4 months to fall really in love with the guy. So one thing that seems promising at least is that I really don''t find I''m still having those sort of doubts with M. So, I''ll just wait and see whether love grows! There''s a lot of physical chemistry... he is INCREDIBLY good looking and sexy. Plus, I''ve never felt so comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with ANYONE. So, as I say. Potential.

But I have to give it time! Yes, not be in a rush. You can''t make it happen, right? So I''ll just wait and see.

And he has said very clearly that he wants to be loved very deeply by the woman he will marry (and who could blame him?) so I
will bave to be honest with myself and with him at the 6 month mark.

 

[galeteia]

Since you''ve already gotten some great advice, my only addition is to tell you that it took me a good six months to know that I was in love with FF. I''ve been in my share of relationships, where it was clear that while I cared about them and did not want to break up, I was NOT in love with them. I knew that I''d never been ''in love'', so I had a lot of concern about that. How would I know when I was actually in love? How long would it take to determine one way or another? I think I could love him, it seems to be building that way ... ? He was much further along in his feelings than I was, and that made me nervous.

But every day, my feelings for him broadened and deepened, just as Cehrabehra described ''sneaking in and growing and filling you'', and about 6 months in, I realized that I was in love, and that it is a singular and unmistakable feeling even if you''ve never felt it before.

My point is that it can take some time before you''re fully in love. Someone once told me that ''you know if you are in love or not within 3 months'', which I totally disagree with. How can you know someone that deeply in only three months? Just because you''re not in love with him ''yet'' after only a few months doesn''t necessarily mean you aren''t ever going to fall for him. Just something to think about.

Luckily, by not rushing into anything it gives you lots of time to explore your feelings and what you want.

ETA: I just read that you plan on laying everything on the table at 6 months. It''s good that you are giving yourself more time, just be sure to give yourself some wiggle room if you feel you need it.

 

[fire&ice]

I can only speak from my experience. We met. We casually dated. We were exclusive and talking marriage within 3 months. Engaged before 6 months. We''ve been married for more than two decades. To me, I thought I had known him all my life. I think timing has more to do with it than actual time.

 

[Mara]

I agree with Gala...in terms of the whole ''you should know'' about love thing...I tend to think a year+ is more realistic...sure I think that some couples just know earlier, but I figure at least 6 months before you really feel like you know them for the most part...it took us about 6 months probably to say with surety that we loved each other. But yeah I wouldn''t pidgeonhole yourself entirely, aka if at 6 months you don''t feel sure sure sure, it''s okay!! Now if you feel that way after a year then I''d really re-examine it because you don''t want to waste time hoping you feel something you may never feel.

 

[Finding_Neverland]

Date: 1/22/2007 9:39:01 AM
Author: fire&ice
I can only speak from my experience. We met. We casually dated. We were exclusive and talking marriage within 3 months. Engaged before 6 months. We''ve been married for more than two decades. To me, I thought I had known him all my life. I think timing has more to do with it than actual time.

Same here. Met and married in a short period of time. Similar backgrounds. Similar experiences and values. Comfortable with one another almost from the minute we met. Nearly 30 years ago.

Timing, and the right person are definitely strong factors.

 

[dmbfan]

Indy,

Glad you came back around and also glad M has been working out. My perspective is this, so what if only after 3 months you are only 85% sure you can spend the rest of your life with this guy. You also say that you are not in love with him yet, so!!!. Not everyone is 100% sure and deeply in love with someone in three months and thats good for you. I agree with you and all that you guys need some more time. I also think that based on what you are telling us that you have found someone that you enjoy being with, you have found someone that wants to love you and you are with someone that you would consider being with for the rest of your life. Sit back, relax and enjoy yourself with M. and Hope that you can come back in the near future and add yourself to LIW because you are in love with him and are 100% sure you want to be with him.

 

[Hopes]

The words "I'm not in love with him" I've used myself many times previously. It does suggest something, doesn't it?

I always loved being in love, but trying to seek being in love never worked for me. There's an expression that goes, "In her first passion a woman loves her lover. In all the others, all she loves is love." There may be something to that, because I never did get over my first love. After I fell "out of love" with him, I would tell him, "I love you, I'm just not in love with you." He would ask me what that means, and I couldn't really explain. I think after a while, that burning fire just turns into embers, and that passionate love turns into companionate love. That is better for committment and long-term involvement, because you aren't quite so addicted that the person you love consumes your every thought and you need to talk to that person every moment of the day -- which is pretty much happened to me back when we first started. Now, I know after all these years I can trust him, depend on him, and am sure that we want to be with each other for the rest of our lives, which is much more important than that lustful "so incredibly and indescribably in love" passion I always sought when I was younger.

Anyway, none of this is very helpful. The point I'm trying to make is that you can't force yourself to love someone. You just do. It sounds like he genuinely loves you, but you don't feel quite as strongly for him. For both your sakes, don't rush into this. When the affection is too unequal, both parties suffer. He might always grieve that you don't love him like he loves you, and there might always be a bit of bitterness on your part that you couldn't be with someone that you gave your 100% to loving (at least, that is what happened to my failed relationships that were one-sided). That initial passion is pretty important. However, it's not everything. At some point, love does turn into a kind of drug-like addiction and dependency such that you simply cannot see yourself being without the person you love. You sound like you aren't at that point yet, so the question you must ask yourself is whether you want to be at that point with this guy or not?

 

[Independent Gal]

Hi Gals,

I actually really dislike that feeling of being addicted to someone! But I guess that''s kinda what it''s at least partly about. One really beautiful thing that M said to me once (when I pointed out that my looks would fade, etc., and that passion fades) was that while he knows passionate love fades over time in a marriage, that what he always wanted was a marriage in whcih he would love his wife constantly, but where he would also fall IN love with his wife in different ways over the course of years. I know what he means because my mom and step-dad are like that. But I''m not sure I can put it into words in any clearer way. Maybe some of the long married ladies can?

DMBfan: what''s new with you? any new gals on the horizon?

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 1/22/2007 3:55:23 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Hi Gals,

I actually really dislike that feeling of being addicted to someone! But I guess that''s kinda what it''s at least partly about. One really beautiful thing that M said to me once (when I pointed out that my looks would fade, etc., and that passion fades) was that while he knows passionate love fades over time in a marriage, that what he always wanted was a marriage in whcih he would love his wife constantly, but where he would also fall IN love with his wife in different ways over the course of years. I know what he means because my mom and step-dad are like that. But I''m not sure I can put it into words in any clearer way. Maybe some of the long married ladies can?

DMBfan: what''s new with you? any new gals on the horizon?

oh yes.... I think you said it well.... one of the keys to a long marriage is to realize that times will come when you dont'' particularly like one another and the committment of marriage has all new meaning when you have to work through those times... the rush from early on, the idealism - all of that fades and you have to find new things to have central in your relationship Then the moment comes when the rush of early love rushes over you just as strongly as it ever did years ago except that now, while less frequent, it is built upon years of challenges and triumphs that have brought you to this moment where you still say, "God I love you!"