She''s Making Me Wait.

[pauloyd]

So its a long drawn out story but the basic part is this: My 26 year old girlfriend says she wants to get married, I had an earlier attempt foiled because after asking her Mom''s blessing (no Dad in the picture) - the Mom called her and warned her. The Mom has some issues with us getting married. Now my girlfriend just wants to talk to her Mom and tell her how she feels and that she doesn''t think she should have to explain herself and that she hopes her Mom will support her decision. But every time she calls her Mom the past 2 weeks something is going on and they can''t really talk. We''ve tried going out there, and we had a nice visit, but there was ''no good time to talk about it''. Somedays the phone is busy, the Mom''s not home, or there are people over and the Mom can''t talk. This has been going on for a month.

Do you think she just isn''t sure she wants to marry me? Should I put my foot down somehow? I fear this will turn out to be a pattern throughout our life together. She seems to be scared to upset her Mom since her Mom has been throught a lot in her life, but she is upsetting herself in the process... What should I do?

 

[Hest88]

Okay, I''m a huge proponent of filial piety, but this is getting ridiculous. I *do* think you need to sit your GF down and be gentle but blunt. Tell her exactly what you told us, that the delays are making you wonder if she really wants to marry you. Then tell her you don''t want to hear her answer right away, but that if she wants to marry you she needs to straighten out the thing with her mom. Tell her that if within ___ weeks (2? 3? 4? 6? You can''t bluff here, so make sure it''s a timeframe you can live with) she hasn''t spoken to her mom then you will assume that pleasing her mom is more important than marrying you. And then you wait and not talk about it until the deadline.

Now, this is a hard line approach, so again you have to be *very* sure you''re willing to lose her if she doesn''t meet the deadline. I do share your fears, though, that if she doesn''t deal with her mother now you''re going to be repeating his scenario over and over again for the rest of your future MIL''s life. And I''m worried it will take a toll on your marriage.

 

[moremoremore]

I can understand her having an emotional need for her mother''s approval...but come on already...I also think it''s actually absurd that the proposal was put on hold b/c of someone''s mommy objecting. Sorry if I sound harsh...but I basically gave up my parents to marry outside my faith. Do it all again in a second. Mother is stalling.

 

[aljdewey]

Paul, I''ve said this before and I''ll say it again: If she''s not willling to act like an adult and stand up to her mother, then she''s either not mature enough yet for marriage......or as you say, she''s using it as an excuse not to marry you.

I''m sorry if this sounds harsh, but this girl needs to get her priorities in order. 26 is well old enough to stop being a people pleaser. I think you''ve been patient and considerate, but I agree with Hest that your fears for the future of being perpetually manipulated by her mother are likely to become a reality if this keeps on this way.

I''m sure there''s "no good time" because her mother senses this is impending. It''s time for your GF to lay it on the line. If she won''t, that should tell you what you need to know.

 

[sxn675]

I''m with the others, you and your girlfriend need to have a serious talk. I know it''s hard, but if you don''t do it now, you will regret it later. My husband and I delayed planning our wedding because his mother was against our marriage. Well, she never did change her mind about us, so we''d probably still be waiting if we were hoping for her blessing (well, not really because I wouldn''t have stuck around). There comes a time when children need to separate from their parents. If she doesn''t put her foot down with her mother now, then prepare for a lifetime of your MIL trying to control your life. Good luck, I hope that it works out for you

 

[JimDiamond]

I remember your story from when you posted it in detail some time ago. I know it is not an easy situation. How did your talk with your girlfriend go after you talked about what had happened? Obviously she must have said she'd talk to her mom and not allow her to control her decision, but did she agree to do that readily or did it take a lot of convincing? Couldn't it be that her mother really has been kind of busy or could it be that her mom senses "she wants to talk" and thinks she knows what it must be about and so is putting your g/f off? I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she has doubts about marrying you without considering how your conversations about the situation went. In any event this is a difficult thing for your g/f to do, to confront her mother. She may be hesitant because she is trying to pick the right moment to talk to her mom. I wouldn't write her off just yet and more importantly ultimatums are never a good idea. What does she say when you talk to her about it?

Stay calm. Express your feelings. Get her to talk about hers. As long as you're both comfortable with what is going on you'll be fine. If there's a problem you need to talk about it so you can both go back to being comfortable. (By comfortable I don't mean that you have to like her mother's disagreement, just that you trust that your g/f really is going to talk to her and be able to assert herself).

 

[baltneu]

JimDiamond has some good points, you do not want to jump to conclusion too fast, but there are good points by others, a month seems like plenty of time. It does seem that the mother is stonewalling the daughter and the daughter should have the back bone to sit the mother down, actually, way before this. I wonder where the problem really is. Is it with your GF or the mother? Is you GF putting you off? I do not know the answer to this but does she not want to marry you and using the mother being busy as an excuse? Only you can step back and answer this question. If your GF is putting you off, then maybe the dealy is a blessing in disguise for you. good luck.

Edit: I wanted to add one thing. Many of the people on this forum are being married for the first time, please excuse me if I am wrong on this. I am divorced and have a fiance. I was married for 21 years, and 3 wonderful children later...........
Here is my point, my MIL was a meddling SXB, my former wife never cut the cord and her mother was her "best friend" as it turned out, not me. So if the MIL is going to meddle and the cord has not been cut, heed the warning!!!!!!!!!
The rest is up to you. Good luck.

 

[pauloyd]

All good points indeed, thank you. We had a very long heart to heart talk this past weekend about it and I am continually confident in her desire to marry me. She felt terrible when I mentioned that I Was worried she didn''t want to get married. She is always talking about it too, so she seems clearly excited for it -but just doesn''t find the right time to talk to her Mom. She admits she could be trying harder, but says its real hard for her. I told her I understand but we need to set a good precedent. I guess we shall see.

 

[fire&ice]

I hate to sound harsh - but, you are living in La La Land. She needs to do something and stop dragging her feet. I think you have been more than patient.

I can speak from experience. I had one of "those" future MIL. The sooner you lay out your cards as "fact": The easier it will be in the long run. My hubby told his Mother that - basically she''s is either with us or against us. But, what''s going to happen in inevitable regardless of her choice. Her thought of losing him all together outweighed her thought of losing him to me. BTW, she came around. And, we have never let her meddle in our business. The sooner you nip this in the bud the better. Right now, since nothing has happened your MIL thinks *she* has won. It''s going to be quite a shock (and even bigger one as time goes by) when your plans are still moving forward.

Honestly, Good Luck!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/3/2004 8:55:47 AM
Author: pauloyd
We had a very long heart to heart talk this past weekend about it and I am continually confident in her desire to marry me. ......

She is always talking about it too, so she seems clearly excited for it -but just doesn''t find the right time to talk to her Mom.

She admits she could be trying harder, but says its real hard for her.

It''s nice to know she''s express her desire to marry you. BUT......unless she can move from thought to action, it''s meaningless. She can profess her love and sincerity in her desire to marry you until the cows come home, but if she can''t (or *won''t*) convert that desire into DOING something about it, it''s an empty sentiment.

It sounds as though she knows her mom is going to resist, so therefore she''s dreading/putting off the inevitable. I believe THAT is why it''s hard to "find the right time". Forgive me for being harsh, but it''s hard to imagine she couldn''t find the right time over a several week period. There isn''t going to be a "right time".....she just has to DO IT.

Compound that with her admission that she could be trying harder......then why isn''t she?

I sincerely wish the best for you, Paul....you sound like a really nice person. But I agree with F&I......I think you''re hearing what you want to hear, and I think you''re in for a huge disappointment. This girl is firmly under her mommy''s thumb, and it''s not gonna change. Now the only remaining question is: do you want to live like this? If you do, then continue to sit around waiting. If you want more out of life, I''d do some long hard thinking.

I agree that an ultimatum isn''t the way to go. But it''s fair to say: "I''m ready to marry you, and you''ve said you''re ready to marry me. I believe that means it''s time to act and TELL your mother. If we can''t agree on this common goal and a timeline to do it, then I have serious reservations about our ability to set/achieve goals as a team when we are married. I need a partner who is going to work with me, and if we can''t do this, then maybe that''s not you."

Believe me......ten years or so down the line, you will come to resent this stalling and hesitation on other issues. Think very hard about that now.

 

[moremoremore]

I agree....if we waited for my parents' blessing...I'd still be single and WITHOUT a diamond!!GASP!!!
She's not ready for marriage if she's not ready to put her feelings for you before her mother's. Sorry.

And I also agree...don't ask to have a talk. You don't ask, you TELL.

It should take all of 20 seconds.
"Hi, mom? You have a second to talk? No. Ok, just wanted to tell you I'm getting married and I hope you can be happy for me...call me back when you want to talk"

 

[Bagpuss]

I have to say, how long does it take to say to someone ''we''re getting married''. What more exactly does your g/f need to say to her mother? If the MIL''s going to be difficult, that''s not going to change however long your g/f puts off the evil day when she breaks the news.

I''d tell your g/f to just go for it and see what happens and not bother to try and ''pick the best time'' - it doesn''t look like there''s ever goning to be a ''best time''.

 

[Hest88]

I know most people don''t believe in ultimatums, but I do. At least, I believe in setting a timeframe and sticking to it. What is that, if not an ultimatum, even if it''s phrased gently?

Paul, I wish you the best of luck and hope she gets the courage to confront her mom soon.

 

[sxn675]

I''m with Hest, I really think that you and your girlfriend need to figure out a timetable that''s agreeable to you both. I mean, you don''t want to be waiting around 20 years from now do you???? I wish you the best.

 

[valeria101]

Been there... sort of. It is not easy to get parents to "do the talk" and you may never find out why there is never a good time. Can you write a joint message to 'mom together with your girldfriend? Or just set up a purposeful meeting known to be just for this ? I did the first, but this just because my parents would have needed a translator for a direct chat and could never imagine who could do this in a neutral way...

I am not surprised that your fiancee asks her mother's nod, especially if these is some dissaproval in the air and they must have been close (you say, "no father in the picture").

 

[baltneu]

well?

 

[pauloyd]

Hello.

Guess what? My princess finally talked to her momma and was surprised at how well it went. So I have the green light and she is apparently relieved beyond belief. I guess she just had to get at it on her own terms or something, but she stood up for herself and actually found her mom understanding and ultimately approving. (At least presenting herself that way).

So thanks for all your help. I was glad to get so many perspectives so that I wasn''t just taking one and running with it. Basically I made sure she wanted to marry me, encouraged her to step up and talk to her momma, assured her everything would turn out alright, and stepped out of the way. Sure enough, as soon as I stepped out of the way she did it. heh.

So...now I have to find a way to make the engagement still very special and somewhat surprising. Our plan is to go visit her family for Thanksgiving because we will be getting married there and want to start doing research. So that gives me very little time.

I already kinda set up a situation where she has had bunch of clues leading her to places of importance in our relationship that draw a path which is supposed to lead to where we''ll be engaged. She thinks there are 3 locations left, so I might take her to the next one this weekend and do the deed - making sure some close friends are around to celebrate with. Still thinking about it though. I''m just glad to have the opporutinty!

 

[aljdewey]

Congratulations. I''m glad it turned out favorably for you.

 

[JimDiamond]

That''s great! I just knew from your description of events over time that it would work out. That doesn''t mean that your future mother-in-law will be totally on board and certainly you''ll run afoul of her at one time or another, but now you two have the tools to deal with it. Congratulations.

 

[Hest88]

Paul, I''m so happy for you! Congratulations!!!

 

[sxn675]

That''s great - congratulations!