Wedding Separated??

[Gypsy]

Close family friends of ours just got separated. I really like them both. But we are distantly related to the husband (distant cousins). I don't think it's an amicable divorce. They just don't seem like that type of people (although for their children's sake I hope they are).

I THINK I'm going to have my mom ask the husband what we should do about the invites-- but I have a feeling the result is going to be to only invite the husband to the wedding. Which is really too bad as I love the wife too. I'm sad about all of it, honestly. But the husband's mother, father, and sister will all be invited to the wedding-- as well as our mutual other cousins. So I would think it would be really uncomfortable for her if we DID invite her. Plus, the husband is my step-father's best friend.

Anyone else dealing with something like this?

 

[oobiecoo]

Urgg... computer ate my post.


FI''s cousin is going through a terrible divorce. FI and I were both good friends with the wife so its unfortunate. We''ve decided to only invite the cousin... for everyone''s pleasure and safety. She has really gone off the deep end so we have decided to cut ties with her.

 

[doodle]

ouch, that''s complicated, and i come from a family where EVERYONE is divorced and remarried one hundred fifty seven times (i typed that out for emphasis...i should stop drinking!). if you like her that much, too, i would invite her anyway, and as to whether or not she attends, that''s entirely her decision. you said they''re separated, right? as in, they could possibly resolve things and get back together? it could be worse in the long run if they made up but you didn''t invite her, whereas if you invite her but she decides not to attend, that''s her call. if you love the wife, i wouldn''t exclude her. if both of them decided to attend, you can always seat them on opposite sides of the planet from each other. it''s YOUR day, so if you love the wife, invite her. they''re adults, so they should be able to behave themselves, and if either of them feels uncomfortable, it''s likely that one (probably the wife) wouldn''t show up anyway. ultimately, though, it''s up to you, so invite whomever you prefer to be there. wish ya all the best, and thanks soooooo much for the legal advice with my venue--you helped me out tons!

 

[zoebartlett]

Huh, that''s a tricky one. I can see it both ways -- inviting just your cousin since he''s family and I''m not sure how much contact you''ll have with his wife if their divorce goes through. I can also see inviting his wife anyway, since you and your FI are close to her. Let her make the decision as to whether to attend or not. If I were in her shoes, I might be pleasantly surprised to still be invited but I don''t think I''d attend -- it might just feel too awkward. Inviting her would show that you still care about her (and that you may want to stay in touch). How''s THAT for a definitive opinion?

 

[Courtneylub]

Distant family member or not, you should probably only invite him. Or since they''re separated and not yet divorced, maybe address it to them both and mail it to him? Is there a possibility of them working it out?

I know that my dad became best friends with his sister''s husband. When they divorced, he had to break it off. I know this isn''t that similar a sitation, but family comes first...even if you''re close to the spouse.

 

[noelwr]

invite them both but let them know that you''ve invited the other. then it''s up to them to decide which one of them will come or if they both can attend and be civil. they''d come to the wedding for YOU not for each other. but I know that in real life it''s much more complicated.

 

[Rhea]

DH''s aunt on his father''s side started an affair with someone at the family owned business and it blew up on Valentine''s Day, 5 weeks before we got married. The husband, who was related by marriage not blood, was the wronged one. We invited them both and let them work it out between themselves. It was not (and over 2 years later, still isn''t, they aren''t actually legally divorced yet) a pretty way to end a 20+ year relationship. Not to mention that everyone was drug into the thing. The business is owned by my FIL & MIL. DH works there full-time. Aunt and her lover both worked there full-time.

We had a small wedding of 21-22 people (including this couple and their two children) and it worked out just fine. Both of them came to the wedding and I''m sure the hurt was raw. To find out that your spouse of 20+ years cheated on you with a much younger man who already had a wife and brand new baby himself. Everyone behaved.

You know your family best. However, if it were me I''d prefer to be invited and either chose to show up and deal with the broken relationship and public appearance or decline the invitation. I wouldn''t want someone else to make a decision on what I could or could not handle for me.

 

[Shannon72781]

Well...yes. My parents. My mom left my dad for another man after 30 yrs of marriage (long story short, both were wrong in the maariage). My mom was the "wrong doer" so she got cut out of everything mutual they shared. It''s very awkward. Even my mom''s own family treats her differently and make it very clear they want to continue a relationship with my father. Which is fine. But her sisters are sometimes downright mean to her 3 years later.

At my wedding, 4 years will have elapsed since my mom left, and my dad is still very very bitter. My wedding will be the first time both sides of the family will be united since this happened. I''m pretty nervous about it....as I''m inviting my mom''s boyfriend. I know, some people think it may be weird, but I have gotten to know him and I have not seen my mom happy like this in a very long time. They both want to get married, but there''s a lot of legal issues before a divorece can be finalized between my parents and him and his wife.

To save uncomfotable situations, I would just invite the husband. it is sad, but the potential to have an extremely awkward encounter is enough for me to invite only the one.

 

[surfgirl]

I think if you genuinely love the wife, then you should allow her to decide if she''s comfortable or not coming, given that the husband''s entire family will be there.

 

[somethingshiny]

Apparently I''m a harda$$. I say it''s YOUR wedding, if you want to invite them both, do so.

My uncle''s first wife was very close to me most of my life. He cheated on her with my "new" aunt. I invited all of them and their families to the wedding. It''s not like they sat at the same table, but all of them wanted to be there so they sucked it up for one evening.

Bottom line: it''s you who they love, it''s you who they''ll come for.

 

[Gypsy]

Okay. So, basically there''s no concensus just sympathy and commiseration (which I am grateful for). Okay. Will take to my parents about it, and maybe to husband and wife then decide.


I do genuinely love the wife. I do want her there. Hmmm.

 

[laine]

I would invite them both (separately) and let her decide if she''s comfortable going. Maybe even mention to her that you''re sorry about the separation, you''d love her to come, you hope she will, but understand if she doesn''t.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 4/24/2008 7:12:14 PM
Author: laine
I would invite them both (separately) and let her decide if she''s comfortable going. Maybe even mention to her that you''re sorry about the separation, you''d love her to come, you hope she will, but understand if she doesn''t.

Ditto, to every word.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 4/24/2008 7:12:14 PM
Author: laine
I would invite them both (separately) and let her decide if she''s comfortable going. Maybe even mention to her that you''re sorry about the separation, you''d love her to come, you hope she will, but understand if she doesn''t.

I like that. Very much. Will have to seriously consider this route. Thank you laine.

 

[Courtneylub]

Date: 4/24/2008 6:46:42 PM
Author: Gypsy
Okay. So, basically there''s no concensus just sympathy and commiseration (which I am grateful for). Okay. Will take to my parents about it, and maybe to husband and wife then decide.


I do genuinely love the wife. I do want her there. Hmmm.

I stated my opinion along with a question. I didn''t just just express sympathy. I know it''s not the easiest route to take, it''s just my personal experience with family and breakups.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 4/24/2008 11:25:49 PM
Author: Courtneylub

Date: 4/24/2008 6:46:42 PM
Author: Gypsy
Okay. So, basically there''s no concensus just sympathy and commiseration (which I am grateful for). Okay. Will take to my parents about it, and maybe to husband and wife then decide.


I do genuinely love the wife. I do want her there. Hmmm.

I stated my opinion along with a question. I didn''t just just express sympathy. I know it''s not the easiest route to take, it''s just my personal experience with family and breakups.

I didn''t state the right Courtney. You all gave your opinions, and I REALLY appreciate them. I guess I just wanted a clear cut: Here''s what Emily Post says answer. But like everything about a divorce... it''s not that easy. I guess with the family come first thing... I just feel that she IS family. She''s the mother of his children... I''ve ALWAYS considered her family. Not of blood, but blood ties don''t always tell the tale. I don''t think a divorce changes that unless there is a betrayal of the familial relationship (cheating, abuse)... and that''s not the case here. They just... grew apart, have different priorities, don''t want to walk the same path anymore.

Unfortunately, I have a feeling he and his family feel that the separation, especially if it leads to divorce, means you stick to blood ties. So we''ll see.

 

[Courtneylub]

Date: 4/24/2008 11:44:45 PM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 4/24/2008 11:25:49 PM
Author: Courtneylub

Date: 4/24/2008 6:46:42 PM
Author: Gypsy
Okay. So, basically there''s no concensus just sympathy and commiseration (which I am grateful for). Okay. Will take to my parents about it, and maybe to husband and wife then decide.


I do genuinely love the wife. I do want her there. Hmmm.

I stated my opinion along with a question. I didn''t just just express sympathy. I know it''s not the easiest route to take, it''s just my personal experience with family and breakups.

I didn''t state the right Courtney. You all gave your opinions, and I REALLY appreciate them. I guess I just wanted a clear cut: Here''s what Emily Post says answer. But like everything about a divorce... it''s not that easy. I guess with the family come first thing... I just feel that she IS family. She''s the mother of his children... I''ve ALWAYS considered her family. Not of blood, but blood ties don''t always tell the tale. I don''t think a divorce changes that unless there is a betrayal of the familial relationship (cheating, abuse)... and that''s not the case here. They just... grew apart, have different priorities, don''t want to walk the same path anymore.

Unfortunately, I have a feeling he and his family feel that the separation, especially if it leads to divorce, means you stick to blood ties. So we''ll see.

In a perfect world, both parties would understand why you want both of them to be there and would put aside their personal issues for your wedding. My friend''s own mother wouldn''t attend her wedding because she invited her ex step father who practically raised her!

Hopefully there isn''t bitterness between the 2 of them and you won''t have a problem inviting them both.

Good luck!

 

[Gypsy]

YIKES!

Thank you Courtney.