Sensitive Situation RE: Studs - Be Gentle!

[sonnyjane]

My wonderful, wonderful husband surprised me for my birthday yesterday with a pair of .75 ctw princess-cut studs in 14 K wg. I'm ecstatic with my husband's generosity, but I had nothing to do with the purchase, and I'm not sure what to do.

I looked at the specs and they are G/H I2

They came with an IGI appraisal (I'm not even sure if that is a reputable agency?) for $1,100. Obviously if I were involved in the process, I would have got much more bang for my buck! They don't look awful, as in they are not milky or anything, and no black inclusions, and do have *some* sparkle in the right light. I just can't help but feel, especially after being on PS for more than a year, that I2 is pretty bad.

I'm thinking that gift-receiving etiquette says I keep my mouth shut on this one, yes? I'm fine with doing so, I just want to make sure that the $780 he paid for them (so he paid less than the appraisal) isn't $779 too much? If he was greatly, greatly ripped off, I'd let him know, but if it was just a poor choice, I'll let it go.

Thanks guys.

 

[kenny]

Can you find out whether they are returnable without him finding out that you are finding out?

Call the store.
Pretend to be a shopper (not a gift recipient) and ask what their return policy is.

If they are not returnable, enjoy your gift.
If they are then the hard part starts.

 

[sonnyjane]

Date: 9/25/2009 1:55:05 PM
Author: kenny
Can you find out if they are returnable without him finding out that you are finding out?


Call the store.

Pretend to be a shopper (not a gift recipient) and ask what their return policy is.

I called and they are giving me a hard time about a return. Since he got them discounted I don''t think they are returnable...said I can call back in an hour when the manager is there to ask again. If that''s the case, then I''ll let it go. I honestly don''t know how I''d bring it up with DH anyway

 

[kenny]

Don't call back.
Go in in person.
It is more likely to turn out in your favor if you are there.
It is harder for him/her to say no to you in person than on the phone.

Before this I'd have a friend wander into their store pretending to be a shopper for earrings and ask about the return policy.
Information is power.

Not returning because of a discount sounds like hogwash.
Every rule made up by a person can be bent by a person.

 

[sonnyjane]

Well, then comes the hard part - what gets said to the hubby? They were paid on his CC, which I don''t have, so I couldn''t do it without his knowledge... Sigh!

 

[kenny]

Oh a credit card!
That's even better.

You can call the CC company and complain to them and challenge the bill if you have a legit reason.

Let's come up with one.

How bout grades from that lab are not accurate.
Somehow slip in the word Fraud. (Which is exactly what I think those "soft" labs are committing.)

There you go.
Now you have an argument, which may be all you need for your CC company to go to bat for you.
This should get the seller to accept the earrings back.
I doubt this will go to court since jewelers know IGI is not an accurate grader.

Invite DH here to learn about diamonds.

 

[sonnyjane]

Alright Kenny, thanks lol. Definitely a bummer, I hate to ruin what was a thoughtful gift with this stuff, but he could do so much better for $800. Hopefully he takes it well

 

[Bliss]

That is SUCH a nice gift! Wow, the gesture is awesome.

Kenny gives great advice - go in person. At the very least, you can get better stones that are in the store. Maybe trade them in for some certed stones that you feel are better cut?

Been in your shoes, sister! DH in the past surprised me with some interesting pieces, having been encouraged by my love of jewelry. But I did have the talk with him over a few of them and he realized he'd much rather spend his money on something I'm ecstatic about than something I'm kind of "meh" about. So I, with his help, exchanged or returned them for something else. He was a little bummed at first but glowed when I was really happy with the item that was more to my taste. It's the thought that counts, so shower him with praise about the thought.

Kenny, I love that quote! Every rule made up by a person can be bent by a person. It is so true in life. It's all about human to human relationships.

Good luck to you!

I think he will take it well... Just make sure you say it with lots of smiles and kisses. And emphasize how you want to be thrilled forever with the gift and think of him always when you wear it. He may be a little bummed at first, but it'll mostly be because he felt he didn't get it right. But when he sees how happy you are with the one that is more "you," hopefully he will be thrilled and eventually pat himself on the back/take credit for it when a friend compliments you on them! DH sure does!

It really is a waste to put money into something that sits in a dark jewelry box. He'll get it over time - and hopefully ask for your input on future purchases so that each piece he buys you *thrills* you. Could be a great learning experience for you both!

 

[tap02150]

I thought maybe you''d like to hear from a guy''s perspective?

Well, if i was to buy something for my girlfriend (hopefully fiance real soon, but thats on the down-low)... I would want her to absolutely love the gift and wear it often! To me, that is the ultimate sign that she really likes the gift.

If i picked out something that she disliked, I would rather have her tell me that she loves the thought and the present, but it needs some tweaking. I would want her to explain to me what needs to be done so that I can buy her what she really wants and would really wear often!

So, in the end, i might be hurt at first cuz i didn''t pick out exactly what she wanted. But i''d be glad to know i could get more for my buck, and in return have my girlfriend be super excited about her new present. And then i''d be even more happy to see her admiring and wearing them!

Good luck with your decision, i think you know what track im leaning on.

-Ted

 

[Lurchie]

I was in this exact situation this winter! See thread of me tearing my hair out: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/ever-wish-you-could-erase-all-the-diamond-knowledge-from-your-brain.105681/

In my case, and with the very sage advice of my mother and the folks at PS, I opted not to say anything to DH. For one, there was no possible way I could have returned them without him knowing. (They were from some god-awful website, pompeii 3 or something?) I don''t even think they were returnable. I think he paid $500, but they were the exact same stats as yours! .75ctw, crappy princess cut, I color and god knows what clarity.

He would have been terribly hurt had I told him I was unhappy with them. He thought he was doing a great thing, afterall. Feeding my diamond obsession and even buying online! A great example of how a little information can be a terrible thing.

From now on, leading up to holidays and my birthday, I will give him a list of pre-approved vendors. I will also make it clear to him, as I started to when he gave me these earrings, that I love the thrill of the hunt as much as the finished product and that he shouldn''t deprive me of that pleasure by surprising me! Am I a little sad that I will never have rockin'' diamond studs? Yes. But it''s worth it to have a happy husband who smiles whenever I make a big deal out of putting them on.

 

[kenny]

Tap I agree.
I was thinking that in the short term I may be a little bit hurt, but when better diamonds for the same or less money arrive I''d be very happy that you spoke up.

Plus, you are being more honest, authentic and real with him, so he''s getting to know you better.

But if he is the insecure and sensitive type I''d think long and hard bout speaking up.
Is there someone you can ask, like maybe his mom, who may anticipate his reaction?

 

[Lurchie]

Kenny hit on an interesting point that was part of my decision not to tell DH. DH really did get what he paid for. Had I gone for better quality they for sure would have been way more expensive than the $500 he paid, even if a little smaller.

 

[sonnyjane]

Oh Lurchie! Your post just complicated things lol. He won''t be angry by any means, but when he gave them to me last night, I really was very happy, aside from the fact that they are princess and not round, but the princess is starting to grow on me a little. He bought them to replace a pair of smaller earrings that I lost a year ago on our honeymoon, so the thought is definitely there, and I know when I was jumping around last night he really thought he hit a home run. It wasn''t until today that he gave me the paperwork that I realized just how included they are.

I''ve been looking at prices of comparable things online and honestly, while we could get smaller sized ones but far better quality, I think he was just so darn proud of getting me "bigger" ones that he''d be really sad (not to mentioned confused) if I explained to him about color/cut/clarity.

I''m leaning toward your approach and just giving him a caveat about future purchases, but letting him think he hit this one out of the park.

 

[tap02150]

tough decision =/

 

[Lurchie]

I really feel for you, SJ. I was literally sick to my stomach for an hour or two before I made the decision to suck it up. My husband is very very sensitive - which most of the time is a great thing! Yours may have a different temperment. I would go with your gut.

One more thing - did you have misgivings before you saw the paperwork? From your description, it sounds like you were pretty jazzed at first. Can you just forget you ever saw the cert?

When I opened the box I immediately felt a lump in my throat - and not the good kind. Mine didn''t even have a cert! I looked up the "specs" on the website to find out how much he''d paid.

 

[sonnyjane]

Date: 9/25/2009 2:58:36 PM
Author: Lurchie
I really feel for you, SJ. I was literally sick to my stomach for an hour or two before I made the decision to suck it up. My husband is very very sensitive - which most of the time is a great thing! Yours may have a different temperment. I would go with your gut.


One more thing - did you have misgivings before you saw the paperwork? From your description, it sounds like you were pretty jazzed at first. Can you just forget you ever saw the cert?

When I opened the box I immediately felt a lump in my throat - and not the good kind. Mine didn''t even have a cert! I looked up the ''specs'' on the website to find out how much he''d paid.

I was excited because I could tell they were larger than the set I had before, so I KNEW he probably spent a bit on them. Like I said they are a bit *dull* but that''s also b/c they are princess and not rounds. There are not black inclusions and they are okay. The situation is almost identical to yours and the "got what he paid for" statement... a similar price wouldn''t even buy the same size in I1''s (please other readers don''t take that as a challenge to pull up a bunch of examples lol). He''s not "overly" sensitive, but I completely designed my wedding set, all he had to do was pay for it, so this was his first big independent jewelry purchase and though he needs major schooling, I don''t think I want to take that away from him

Thank you so much for your help. Since you were in the same situation you know that it is more than just a simple "return them" situation

 

[shimmer]

Ok, I was in a similar situation. My DH bought me mall studs for my bday a few years back before we were married. They were pretty, but I knew he could have gotten a better deal and way better cut. This was pre Pricescope, so I approached him and said I loved them and it was so sweet and thoughtful, but I think we can get a better deal, are you interested in looking around? He was uncertain so I said 'lets just order some from blue nile and compare, then we will return whichever we don't like as much' (they both had a 30 day return policy). Well, the BN studs blew away the mall studs (they are GIA ex but not anywhere near 'ideal') and he returned the others without any hesitation.

ETA-I had to leave when I was writing my response, you have a lot of good advice here! I say talk to him, tell him your afraid he got ripped off and see how he responds then go from there.

ETA2-Whiteflash has 18 k H/I SI princess studs 0.75 ctw for $895 link

 

[FB.]

Even if you don''t much like the earrings, you don''t need to wear them all the time. I''m guessing that you''ll have several sets of earrings and you swap them around periodically.
Since you won''t have to wear them all the time, I''d suggest keeping them and wearing them equally with your other earrings. Perhaps wear them when the two of you go out together.
If you think that they slightly lack sparkle, maybe he''ll gradually notice too and you can "investigate" with him (

) on pricescope as to why they may lack sparkle. Maybe he''ll then willingly upgrade at a later time.

 

[partgypsy]

Wow, that is tough. I had some similar conversations with my husband, but with nothing as expensive as close to $800 earrings! There are hurt feelings but they get better once they understand it is not about the gesture, but about values.

First I want to say that his heart is definitely in the right place, he spent ALOT of money picking out something on his own to try to get you something he thought would blow you away.

I have heard others on the forum say that it might be helpful to bring up an analogy, such as if he likes expensive electronics, that getting the no-name type 32" tv is not equal to getting the same size Sony. I would definitely wait until you guys are in a good mood, put the accent on how much you really appreciate and love the gesture, but that really if spending that much money want it invested in something you would wear alot. I have even told my husband, if I was buying that for myself I wouldn''t get that cut/clarity level.

There is no wrong answer either. The other option is to say nothing, and save your pennies and get exactly what you want later too.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Quality is nice and here we tend to prize it above all else, but sometimes it is the thought that counts... I have a pair of 1/2 ctw studs with the crappiest cut ever and I''ve worn them for at least 8 years... my husband bought them for me as a total surprise and it was shocking to me that he would do that! Now, when he gave me them he gave me 1/3 ctw and said that I could upgrade them for my birthday or mother''s day (this was christmas) and I went ahead and upgraded them right away (lol) but they''re fine. They don''t have a lot of fire but they are brilliant and even if he came to me now I''d not change them... I''d ask for a pendant instead lol Anyway - IF you end up keeping them it''s not the end of the world by any stretch - and if he''s the type who would understand and you feel comfortable with being totally open with him and it not offending him then I might consider it. I tend to be a bit sappy though so take that with a grain of salt when you read this

 

[Fly Girl]

I got a pair of lousy stud earrings from DH 23 years ago when DS was born. They never had any sparkle.

I didn't understand quite why that was, and I did notice that nice sparkly diamonds were waaaaay too pricey. I wore them until I lost them, and never shed a tear that they were gone. They weren't replaced until I found PS a couple of years ago and figured out how to get a wonderful pair on a budget.

ETA-I agree with Sara's comment that those original studs had a lot more sentiment than my new ones. Still, they were soooooo bad.

Since you are on PS you know more than I did way back when, so I would talk to your DH. I think you guys will want to get the best value you can for your hard earned money.

 

[sonnyjane]

I cleaned them and decided to wear them all day to run errands to see how I feel until hubby came home from work, and I think I will keep them. They''re not what I would pick if you handed me the money and said "go to town", but that''s okay. I don''t hate them, I actually won''t even say I dislike them, I just dislike finding out how much he paid for them. They look huge on my ear, more like .5 ct each instead .35, and do have *some* sparkle lol. I''ll just tally this up to experience. I had a talk with DH and just told him that in the future, I don''t want him spending that much on jewelry without consulting me first, but made it seem more like I was worried about money in general, not about getting a raw deal. He agreed and I''ll wear them out on our movie date tonight

I think jewelry is definitely one place where heart and head can get confused. My head was screaming to return them but my heart wanted DH to be blissfully ignorant and think he''d done a great job. I think in this case, since money isn''t too tight, heart will win, I''ll spare his ego, and hopefully he''ll come to me in the future as promised

Thank you guys for the replies and personal stories!

 

[junebug17]

Sonnyjane, I am too late to chime in, but I wanted to let you know that I really feel that you did the right thing! In this case, I think your hubby would have been hurt, just going by your descriptions of him and his excitement in giving the earrings to you. But you very cleverly avoided a repeat situation by telling him from now on you would like to be involved in big jewelry purchases, very smooth!! And actually, they sound like lovely earrings! I went through a similar situation, hubby surprised me several years ago (for no reason) with a pair of diamond studs from a maul store (just like cehrabehra!) , not very good quality, but decent looking. I'll be honest, I was tempted to say something, but I am SO glad I never did. I wear them often and I really like them! I decided to just consider it a lovely gift from my husband, and leave it at that. And he still enjoys seeing me wear them...so I just wanted to let you know I really think you made the right call on this! Enjoy your new earrings!

 

[kenny]

A happy ending.
Congratulations.

 

[jstarfireb]

I think you made the best of the situation - you let the earrings grow on you and avoided hurting your man''s feelings. The nice thing about earrings is that people don''t really look at them up close like they do rings. Pendants are also like that. I was in a similar spot a while ago - my mom bought me a bezel-set round and baguette diamond pendant a while ago from a department store. It''s a pretty design and nice gold, but the diamonds are poorly cut, tiny, and heavily included. Still, I kept it and wear it occasionally because I love the thought my mom put into it (she knew I wanted a bezel set pendant), and I''d hate to hurt her feelings by asking her to return it.

 

[Lurchie]

Date: 9/25/2009 8:35:21 PM
Author: sonnyjane
I cleaned them and decided to wear them all day to run errands to see how I feel until hubby came home from work, and I think I will keep them. They''re not what I would pick if you handed me the money and said ''go to town'', but that''s okay. I don''t hate them, I actually won''t even say I dislike them, I just dislike finding out how much he paid for them. They look huge on my ear, more like .5 ct each instead .35, and do have *some* sparkle lol. I''ll just tally this up to experience. I had a talk with DH and just told him that in the future, I don''t want him spending that much on jewelry without consulting me first, but made it seem more like I was worried about money in general, not about getting a raw deal. He agreed and I''ll wear them out on our movie date tonight

I think jewelry is definitely one place where heart and head can get confused. My head was screaming to return them but my heart wanted DH to be blissfully ignorant and think he''d done a great job. I think in this case, since money isn''t too tight, heart will win, I''ll spare his ego, and hopefully he''ll come to me in the future as promised

Thank you guys for the replies and personal stories!

I''m sure they look lovely! Glad you found a resolution you can live with.

 

[336336]

I think it''s important to communicate about one''s expensive habits. After all, a lot of money is involved and both husband and wife have to know how the money is spent.

Perhaps, cook your husband a nice dinner or give him a thoughtful gift to show your appreciation. Then gently let him know about diamond values... not too much of a lecture, but tell him you''d love to share a bit of your knowledge about diamonds, so he and you can make informed financial decisions about these purchases. It''s best that both of you are aware of what''s necessary to know about each other''s respective habits. If he''s really into cars or plasma tvs or whatever, then make a bit of an effort to know what is good value and what he would like. Just as he would learn more about your tastes in diamonds. It''s more fun if both spouses can share these habits... you may even convert him, who knows. Even if he isn''t into diamonds at the end of the day, he might still be informed enough to help you make decisions in the future regarding purchases, as he''ll have a more detached perspective. Anyway, I guess it''s time to share your concerns *gently* with your husband.